Need hand holding as I sit with my dad who is dying

[kansasmum]

My Dad is end stages of liver cancer. I'm sat with him tonight as the normal
Nurse cover was in an availabl

Can't sleep now. Dad very peaceful and settled. I have slept on and off but my minds racing now!
Mum has slept so that's good.

Maryz- I do try and let mum just let her feelings out but she really has a go at me and it really hurts:(. She seems to think she has the monopoly on grief:(
Going to go home in a bit and have a shower and take my ds to school. I want to do something normal - I need to.

I know how hard that is. You've had a hell of a night :(
Hugs.

Maryz- I do try and let mum just let her feelings out but she really has a go at me and it really hurts:(. She seems to think she has the monopoly on grief:(
Going to go home in a bit and have a shower and take my ds to school. I want to do something normal - I need to.

The hurt that those in our own family can inflict is usually so well aimed. They know just how to get to us. It doesn't mean that you have to take responsibility for anything you didn't do though. Some of the hardest decisions we take are those which we know to be right but with which others disagree. With the love in your heart I'm sure you are making the right ones.

I'm pleased you managed to spend the night so close to your dad and I'm sure he must have known. His loss will be so enormous for you when it comes. I shouldn't think your mum will want to recognise that though.

Hoping you get a few moment of normality on the school run and it gives you some emotional strength for today, whatever it brings.

I'm going to bring back my ds's Wind in the Willows book later and read a bit to Dad. I always remembering him reading it to me when I had chickenpox!!
Mum has decided she would rather Hoover than sit with Dad despite saying all she wants to do is sit with him. Just letting her get on with it.

That sounds like a lovely idea Kansasmum. The sound of your voice will be soothing and it's a lovely story.

That's a great idea. Wind in the Willows is so comforting. Thinking of you today.

Been here on and off during the day. Dad much the same tonight- very peaceful and sleeping. Had a couple of hours at a friends so Ds could have a swim in their pool and a play. Was nice to have a break. Read WiTW to Dad early- the chapters on Toad cos he always loved Toad!!
My poor sister has been sobbing on the phone - she just can't handle seeing Dad like this. I've told her she doesn't have to come sit with him. It scares her:(
I feel much calmer tonight and we have the same nurse back again tonight which is nice.
Just wonder when things will change with Dad - it's all just a waiting game.

Glad you have the same nurse tonight Kansas. Praying for a peaceful night for you and all your family.

There's just no knowing about the horrible waiting game is there? Now that your dad is more peaceful it must be Less distressing to be with him. Perhaps you could suggest to your sister she comes to say her goodbyes whilst he's resting if it upsets her so much and then if she chooses not to sit with him she won't feel she's missed out when the time comes for him to go. Glad you're getting some solace from TWITW. Thoughts still with you

Another peaceful night and I actually slept quite well.
Dad looks paler this morning and his urine output is decreasing so I know we are getting nearer the end. That's the downside of me being a nurse - I know the signs:(
Dad is comfy and the hospice will send someone overnight again tonight thank goodness.
Brief moment of humour this morning- Dad's dentures had fallen out and were sitting his mouth so I thought I'd just take them out- do you think I could get hold of them?!! Of course I said to Dad 'can you open a bit wider?'- he just shut his mouth! I did eventually get them out and he raised an eyebrow briefly when I did! My darling Dad is still there.

Little moments like that raise a smile that you can share with others and keep for ever. Of course he's still there. He's waiting for the next chapter of WITW! Enjoy your little moments. They're gold.

Have been thinking about you and your precious Dad since I first saw this thread. Sounds like your Dad is indeed still here - love the dentures story. xx

Me and my parents scream laughing at the least little thing - kind of a mixture of fear and not knowing what else to do. My Mum announced, very loudly, in A & E on Bank holiday Monday......'This is my daughter you know....my little girl (Im 56) she says we have to laugh at my Alzheimers in fact WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT IT AND KICK IT IN ITS BALLS!!! - Didn't you say that love?'

yes Mum....'YEP THATS WHAT WE ARE DOING KICKING IT IN ITS BALLS!!!' 'OK Mum perhaps not quite so loud!!'

Im going seeing them today - Dad needs some Whisky - Oh my dear God - has been told because he has oral cancer he shouldn't drink alcohol......we all 'sneak' him bottles of Whisky in - he is permenantly p*ed!! He said it makes his time 'waiting for God' more bearable. xxx

Just to say I am thinking of you kansas - you are doing an incredibly hard but special thing in being there for him. I am so sorry you have to deal with this but you are doing your absolute best for him, making sure he has the best death possible.

Shabba- that's hilarious about your mum!!!
My dad decided that because he was dying he need to have the 'sex talk' with my 19 yr old dd!!!!! She nearly died of embarrassment!!!! He used to get so confused bless him and would try and repeat it the next day!!!!
We laugh now about it!
Don't blame you sneaking whiskey to your dad!

My mum is still driving me nuts- she has a real thing about the hospice nurses- doesn't like them at all whereas I think they are marvellous. Really brilliant. I think it's because of the syringe driver- mum had a right go at me when it was set up because I was the one who said I thought he needed it Cos he was in pain. She told me I was trying to hurry his death along. So she thinks that the hospice nurses are doing.
I found that very hurtful but am trying to let it go.

So sorry your mum is hurling accusations around. I hope the hospice nurses can persuade her that your dad's discomfort is being managed and the driver is not to hasten his death. I'd hate to think she will still feel it's ok to try to land this on you after he is gone. It's not true. You just want the best for him and he knows it. He would still be teasing you with his teeth otherwise

Kansas it was nothing to going to A & E with the ambulance lights flashing with my Mum and me in the back of it. They thought she had had a stroke but I knew what was wrong. We got her into a bed in resus and when my eldest son (31) came in she asked why she had a 'funny dress' (hospital gown) on? She then lifted it up continually trying to take it off over her head.

Cue my DS1 staring in disbelief at the sight of his Grans bazookas!!! He looked at me and then my Mum....'Gran put your gown back down before I have to bleach my bloody eyes!!'

She then said 'Bloody hell Shabba - where's your Dad? He's not very well you know.....cue the gown trying to be taken off again and her hiccuping and stinking of whisky.

xxx

Have ahug (())

kansas, you are a special person to be doing all this for your father.

I sympathise with your difficulties with your mother - my mother had similar from her mother (my grandmother) when my grandfather died and, shortly afterwards, my uncle. My mum used to call me up and tell me all the things my gran had said and have a good ol' rant to me. Then she'd take a deep breath and go back and smile at my grandmother and try to remember how difficult it was for this cranky old lady to deal with it all. Hopefully, you can do something similar with your DH or DD? My dad just wanted my mum to ignore it, and not tell me, but I was more than happy (if that's the right word) for my mum to let off steam to me if it helped her day-to-day (I lived too far away to help with more practical things).

Wishing you a peaceful day and wishing your dad a good death.

Kansas, my heart goes out to you. Just read through the thread... You sound as if you're doing really, really well in an awful situation.

Yes, your Mum will probably blame you, and keep it in the library. But you KNOW- heart and head and bone-deep knowledge that you have given your Dad what he needs- relief for pain, someone holding his hand, someone showing him she cares and wants to be with him, dignity in his dying.
As you say, you know the signs. It sounds as if he needs you all the more, because your Mum wouldn't have done that for him while she's in denial. Hold on to that when she makes it hard for you to be there.

My Dad died at home in October and this is bringing back those memories- huge hugs (((bear-like ones))).

Shabba- that made me lol!!!! Cam only imagine what it must have been like in A&E!!!
Nurse has been and increased the diamorphine. Dad squeezed my hand earlier which was lovely.
My Dsis, bil, nephew, dd and my dh have all been here.
Mum is seriously doing my head in But I'm trying really hard not to mind:)

Just read your thread from start to here.

What a special daughter you are. Your Dad must be very proud of you. x

Kansas, another poster who thinks you are a very special daughter. He sounds like a very special dad. Thinking of you both xxx