Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

okay . that's grim I had friends who did the same one in my house crying one in the car outside the same and me running between the two like a jackass! u just want to help but sometimes its hard to be both sides x

hi girls, its such a relief to come on here and know you aren't going mad! Once a friend of mine just said "I dread my mum dying, it must be absolutely awful". I just said "yes, it is". That's just what I needed to hear, someone being honest and not all the "you need to get over this, you have a lovely family, your mum had a good life, its time for you to move on".I know people just want to help but that kind of talk makes me close in on myself and feel lonelier. So to come on here and read about it all honestly is such a relief. Thanks!! xx

I think to lose your mum is the worst possible thing ( except your child ) that can happen. They are always there for everything, to have fun, laugh comfort, advice, everything, then they are gone and we are lost and our lives have changed forever. It's bloody shit basically, I think you will all agree on that xx

wise words, mummylin xxx

you couldnt have put that into words better mummylin.

People ask me how i am and i just say im happy with all aspects of my life but i hate my mum not here, i miss her loads and its shit! The void and empty space in my life where my mum was will take a long time..
i wish she was back, ive read a lot about spiritual stuff before my mum went and after, and yes last year i believe I got a lot of messages but thsi year it really has calmed down and im missing her like crazy at times.

the firsts last year were very hard but for me, having to get through my dads, bros and my dd's without her here is just shit, and actually harder than last year, although not as horrendously tear full as last year.

Ssd - I think CRUSE will help you in the fact of they dont pull you apart to delve into every emotion, i just let out all the talking, for me it was the shock and one minute her there and then gone i felt sick ..still cant believe it i was also scared for her and if she was ok..in my belief i believe she is.

They will help you to move on albeit slowly with your mum and dad tucked in your heart but i also was helped with the fact of sometimes in grief people act in very strange ways and you can actually lose complete contact, we all know this has happened at some stage with us.
if you go and you think this isn't for me then you have the choice whether to go back but personally it really helped me, and my lady phones me from time to time just to see how im going. She helped me to become more selfish and learn that you guys know who wasn't going to change and it wasn't worth me thinking he was going too and i had to cut the string!
but i also know this isn't easy myself

Hi to everyone else, you are all in my thoughts!! Things are calmer here now so hope to be able to be a bit more active.

xx

Do you know , my used to be always saying " one day when I'm not here " and I would stop her and tell her not to say it, I coulnt bear to even think about it, that in itself was bad enough, the reality is far worse than I could ever have imagined and yes , the shock for us too was horrendous, unlike some of the mums, mine wasnt even ill till 24 hrs beforehand, and they had said she would e able to come home on Thursday. So when she actually died. It was just terrible, I worry that she was scared or in any pain or upset, this haunts me,and always will I think, Mum I miss and love you xxx

i fully believe they are ok mummylin i really do, i believe also they are with their past relatives and go with them but this is my belief.
My mum wasnt ill barring a cough! Although everything ive learnt now coughing too much can muck up the rhythm of your heart beat so it might have contributed, but i literally spoke to her 10 o clock that night then she went to bed and between 3-5 am she had a massive stroke.

my god i miss her but we trudge on eh xx

t875 very similar situations for both of us, I had phoned at 9 am Sunday morning to find out how she was. They said she was fine, I rang round the family to tell them, an hour later she had died because the sac round her heart had ruptured. Oh god it was so awful. I think the shock has made it so hard to move on. It's weird cause my legs refused to move and dh had to drag me virtually off the footi pitch where we watching our grandson playing footi xx

Yeah soo hard for us but pain free for them, but i still find that hard to swallow when people say that to me.."oh she went peacefully then"..yes but i didn't get a chance to say good bye, im definitely going down the psychic route ill let you all know what is said, i need that connection to my mum just hope she comes through!

I wish to god that id left where I was working as they were so mean and nasty!! Sooo crap and just want her back!! x

I think my mum went peacefully too, she had her carer in at lunchtime then she died peacefully on the couch in the afternoon, when I seen her on her couch dead she had her hands still clasped on her knees, it was like she just keeled over whilst sitting.
I believe she is at peace and is with my dad and other people she loved. I'm sure she's fine and happy and content...but then she always was, she had a great nature, I wish I had it, I'm a worrier!

All of our usual personalities have been hidden for a while, when we move on a little bit, more of us will being to Re-emerge , I'm sure of it. And ssd I am sure you have a lovely nature but for now other things have taken over. None of us can run until we learn to walk !

Hi can I join you?
I lost my dad 20 months ago. I cope now better than in the beginning but it's still so bloody painful at times.
Last night I could hardly catch my breath thinking that I am never going to see him again.
Just want to pop round and have a cuppa with him

Hello madasa sorry that yet another person has joined us. I have just worked it out and realise it is 20 months also since I lost my mum, for some reason I kept saying its 18 months but its not. That means it even longer since I have seen her, my mum died on 31 st oct 2011. I guess like the rest of us you still find it so hard to take it in that your dad has gone. Have you had lots of RL support or did that seem to go after a couple of weeks as it did for some of us.
We have all said on here , how until someone has gone through this very sad time , they don't realise how devastating it is.
We have had all the various emotions on here, sadness, disbelief, anger at those who should of been more supportive etc. trying to work out why it happened.
Please feel free to post with us and yes it's ok if you want a rant too.

A month ago to the day my mum lost her battle with cancer. She took her last breath less than four weeks after being diagnosed. On Monday I said my final goodbye to her and she was played out to titanic, the song that had always reminded her of me. I placed a letter upon the coffin and a picture. I never dreamt the day would come so fast. At 24, I am alone in the world, no parents and the questions I have will remain forever unanswered. I miss her more than words can ever say. I can barely believe I will never see you again and you will never get to see my life get on track. I am sorry mum I never told you often enough how much I loved you or how grateful I am for all you did for me. I am everything i am because of you

Hi mummylin
I remember posting with you when you had just lost your mum and I had lost my dad. My dad died on 28th Oct 2011.

My DP is very supportive so I know am lucky that way.
As for other people...well one night I called my sister as I felt so low. I said I missed dad, and she just said 'well we all miss him' in an exasperated tone so I don't bother her at all if I feel low.

I just miss him and am shocked at how it still hurts sometimes so badly physically.

I want to show him our garden that I have made beautiful as he always laughed at my lack of green fingers (he was a gardener)

I want him to see his granddaughter graduate next year.

I want to take him for a ride in the old moggie minor I have just bought.

I want so many things .......

stupidmistakes I'm so sorry you have lost your mum.
I bet your mum knew how much you loved her.
Take care x

stupid mistake I am so sorry for your loss. It's a real physical pain isn't it. D you have a special place where she has been laid to rest. You could go there and talk to her and tell what you didn't get the chance to say when she was alive.i am sure your mum knew now much you loved her , by the things you did get to do when she was here. You don't always have to say the words. We are not a family for being lovey dovey, but my mum knew we all loved her, she didn't need telling. Do you have no siblings or anyone else close ? Please don't feel alone. There is normally one of us around, and trust me we do know what you Are going through.
Oh madasa we are both at the same stage and feeling the same. I do have good days, but then I have bad days too and it suddenly hits me all over again. I hate the fact that each day that passes takes me further away from her and its longer since I last saw her. I can still remember how soft her skin felt, and the last look as I left her hospital ward the evening before. It's so bloody painful still. My siblings seemed to of coped better than I have and don get these sad spells now. My sister does but she has twin babies and this has helped her because she dosent have time to think about it. They were born after mum died. But the. Isn't before she died my sis put mums hand on her belly and mum felt a kick . So that is something. Th e sadness sometimes is overwhelming and I want to cry, but then I would get dh asking " what's the matter " and I know I would snap at him because of course I think he should know when I'm feeling so sad. Irrational maybe, but that's how I feel. When will learn to cope with it, that answer I don't know I wish I did for my own peace of mind.

The night before mum died not isn't !!! iPad makes up words !!

madasa - It really is very hard isn't it, the void of my mum not here absolutely blows my mind and i hate it, i hate im going to have my 40th August and she isn't going to be here, what i would give to hear her voice, to hug her i hate it, some days are definitely harder than others.
I bet your dad can see your garden and your car im a great believer they never leave us, i feel my mum around when she visits. xx

stupidmistake - My god i feel for you so much, i couldn't imagine going through what i am at the age of 24. please come here anytime, we are here for you. Also please call CRUSE they will be able to help you, i had 4 sessions and it really helped me a lot!!
also CRUSE has a generic line you can call and just talk to someone.
but we are here for you for you to rant at or have a cry or just want to talk.

Hello to everyone else, biscuits hope your ok xx
mummylin, ssd, snowflake, galaxy, and anyone else ive missed! xx

Thinking of you all today on fathers day lots of love to you all and ((((hugs)))) It is very tough i remember from mothers day. xxx

Oh mummylin I know exactly what you mean about it hitting you all over again. I sometimes wonder if I will ever come to terms with it. I wish I could send you some 'peace of mind'.

I do cry and my DP does ask what the matter is...I just say 'I miss my dad' and then it's kind of ok to let it all out. Would your dh understand if you just said that you miss your mum? I have had to teach mine that he doesn't have to fix anything, indeed he can't. I just need a cuddle....to have to pretend I am ok when I am not would be such a burden.

I do cry a fair bit when I'm on my own too.

t875 thank you for your kind words. I hope he can see me. At the moment I just feel there can't be anything afterwards because if there was he would let me feel him around. He wouldn't leave me like this.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dear mum...you are right...it is mind blowing.

I second what you said about Cruse. I had 6 sessions and it really did help.

Love to everyone on father's day and hope we all get through it the best we can xx

Hi all.
Sorry I've not been around for a while. Hope everyone is doing ok.

Yesterday was my first fathers day without my lovely dad. I put on a brave face while dd's gave dh their presents and cards but then I struggled to get out of bed. I would have happily stayed there. We took some flowers to the crem and then went to a country park for a walk and a play and then found a lovely tea shop, it ended up being a nice day but I had a heavy heart all day

I'm so fed up of putting on this brave face all the time, I don't know why I don't just let myself think about things and have a good cry, but it's like something stops me. We have now sorted out all of mum and dads clothes ready for the charity shop to collect, even then I was so detached from what I was doing. I choose several things of theirs to keep.

ssd did you phone cruse yet? Your appointment is still weeks away, maybe talking to someone in between might be good for you. I really feel for you xx

My race for life is 3 weeks away now and I feel quite proud of myself. I can run! I've been going out running with dh, it's nice to have something to focus on. My ever helpful mil said to me "you do know that you don't have to run it?" I was like yes I do know but I want to! I want to feel like I've achieved something, going from not being able to run for a bus to running 6 miles!

Hugs to all who need them xx

biscuits, your running sounds like its really focused you, well done on that. I think we all know about the brave face, it feels like it's permanently glued on, doesn't it. I haven't phoned cruse, I'll wait for my appointment, I think. I've been having another period of mental adjustment this week. I was keeping some of mums things for my siblings, but I realised they don't want them, don't ask about them and have no interest in anything mum left, so I threw them out, some of it was over 50 years old, my mum has kept it that long, but they have no interest in it. Don't want to go into specifics but some heart rending stuff in there. It went into my kitchen bin. I couldn't keep it, knowing it means nothing to them is too much and I cant keep it for my/mums sake, I just cant keep it, it hurts too much. I've been realising mum didn't mean much to them, she did when she was younger and able to be involved in their lives but when she became old and needy they moved on from her. I seen a programme in the news this morning about elderly people in care homes being mistreated and one woman said she had to become her mums voice, that's what I became, my mums voice and thank god as my sibling wasn't interested. Makes you shudder doesn't it. I have a fear of my kids forgetting me when I become old and difficult, as its so much easier to turn a blind eye rather than get involved. But I'm not bringing them up to be selfish and self centred, so hopefully that wont happen to me.

stupidmistakes, you are so young to be dealing with all this, I'm so sorry . Keep posting here when you need to.

elf, wow, that's hard to take, your dad behaving like this, must be very very hurtful for you

and madasa and mummylin, t875 and everyone else, hugs from me xx

sorry..hi to you snowflakes too xx

pissed off today, fathers day was so hard for our grandad without mumand mum always made an effort to make a fuss of him. not one of his other adult children even bothered to get him a card. was so sad for him.