Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

[mummylin2495]

ssd do you mention your mum every day ? I do , I find myself bringing her to so many of my conversations. But for some , it's as though she has never been. Well I talk about Her a lot and I always will.its not like its sad stuff, it's usually something mum did / said / laughed at with us and I will not let her memory die.

[ssd]

am so very sorry joanna

awful story.

please post here if it helps xxx

[hatsybatsy]

Joanna - what a story. completely understand why that would still be affecting you. my heart goes out to you.

so.... it's Mum's funeral tomorrow - exactly 2 weeks after she died. Feels like months years even since we saw her alive. Cannot really imagine how I am going to get through tomorrow. Have nice new dress and shoes ('Look fabulous' were some of her last instructions to me and my sister!)

have no real words - I just feel so empty. Most of the time I don't even cry. My family's world is much poorer for her loss.

[mummylin2495]

Hatsy I hope everything goes ok tomorrow. You will surprise yourself I expect and cope better than you think. It's the following weeks that you will find it affects you.please let us help you through it. I am glad you are following your mums wishes to " look fabulous " lets hope it stays dry as well , rain somehow makes things even worse. Chin up , you will be ok , sad but ok.x

[joanna1990marie]

I actually felt less sad on the day of my dad's funeral because you become so detatched from the situation because it is so surreal, I was more sad the day after because there was nothing left to do but grieve, try and get through the day as best you can, lean on all the shoulders that will be there for you and enjoy a sherry beforehand. X

[t875]

Hatsy - Will be thinking of you tomorrow it is a very hard day but i also know what we done poems her favorite flowers and who was there she would have loved that if she was looking down which im sure she was. It was kind of a celebration of her life although absolutely horrendous though on the other side. We will be there holding your hand xx

Ssd - Good luck for your apt let me know how you get on, will be thinking of you. I think this will def be good for you hun. xx

mummylin - I really know how you feel and I've been asking myself the same thing and have been surprised at how much im stepping back, its so painful and im actually to the point after a bad 2 weeks I seriously couldn't think about her as it killed me inside! And now i have the birthdays and my 40th coming up in August, last year i was ok well ok ishhh maybe its because may/june last year i was still numb i don't know..but my word i have felt like ive stepped back so i do know what you mean, i miss her loads and feel like im 15 and have been deserted i need my mum!! xx

joanna - so very sorry to hear of your loss, omg how absolutely tragic for you and shocking!! Please come here and rant/vent and talk to us, we are all here to help eachother and my word i have had that support from here. My thoughts are with you, surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with and take each minute, hour, day by day at a time. xx

Hi snowflake, biscuits, beach vlad, hope you are all going along ok the best you all can.
(((hugs)))) to you all and

[ssd]

hatsy, hope it went as well as it could? I found I got through that day, its the weeks and months afterwards that I found/find really hard, if you need support remember we'll always listen x

[mummylin2495]

I would second exactly whatssd has posted. It's arrange how we get through the actual day, but the it seems to hit us.hopeit all went ok.

[mummylin2495]

Hello everyone, hope you are all having the same weather we have. Well pleased to be Able to tell you that my brother has found a new little robin for mums grave, so one that went missing has been replaced. I have not been up the crem this weekend because I went last week, but my brother said he only had to throwa few flowers away and he took new ones anyway. When he and my sis inlaw went to a market in another town , they found these lovely vases. They are the ones that actually stick into the ground. So it's black , has a rosé up the side of it and says " mum" . When they go again they are going to get the sister one to match. They also put another little ornament to replace the one that I found broken , so all is well there again. Hope you are all continuing to make a bit of progress and coping ok.hatsy hope you are ok

[ssd]

glad your db found another robin mummylin, that sounds lovely what they did

the weather is lovely here too, very unusual for Scotland!!

am not doing too bad, a bit thoughtful, but thats just me

this thread seems to be getting quieter, hopefully some of us are starting to heal a bit? I hope so, the hurt is too much to bear for ages, it has to start getting less some day

t875, how are you doing? Is the job still ok? hope your doing as well as you can xx

and hi to everyone else xxx

[mummylin2495]

Is is getting better ssd or are we just pretending it is.? I still get that awful sinking in my stomach when I think of my mum and must go through everything in my mind relating to that awful day at least two or three times a week. I am still in some state of denial and still expect her to walk in through my door.
On the plus side, I have lots of her plants now in my garden and I'm happy to see that they are all growing really well, particularly her shrub which she always called her " snowball bush "
Mum loved it and I'm very pleased it has thrived as when we bought it from mums garden it really was the wrong time of year to move it. It now has lots of these little " snowballs " on it. I have no idea what it's called but I will always refer to it as " mums snowball tree "
So if she can see her plants I know she will be happy. Her archway covered by her birthday rose (name of rosé, ) is also thriving and has now covered nearly all of the archway which I
also took from her garden, there should be lots of roses from it this year. ( can you tell I didn't leave much behind ) and various pots of hers are also doing well. That gives me some amount of pleasure.
Have a nice day outin the sunshine and hello to everyone else.

[ssd]

you know mummylin, I just don't know. I've been consciously trying to keep busy and keep from thinking about mum and the past, as it just feels too painful. I wondered if I was starting to get over it. But I think I'm just starting to adjust to life without her here...sometimes!! I still think I should go out to mums and I think about phoning her or her phoning me, when the phone rings. I think I'm getting better, but whats still left is an awful sense of my siblings so not being there for me, not even thinking I'd be upset. I woke early this morning and that's when I always think of them and I was crying. For some reason that song "DNA" by I think little mix was playing in my head, I took it to mean I cant change them its just the way they are. But God they have let me down big time and they don't even know, they never will, unless some day in the future when I'm more detached I'll tell them straight.

[mummylin2495]

I think that some of us will always find it hard ssd all we can do is get by day by day. I am lucky that my siblings know how much I miss her, they all seem to be coping far better than I am , maybe because I saw her nearly every day.
On a brighter note I mentioned I had found some runner bean pods in one of my mums garden container. She always used to provide. Beans for me, anyway I have some soaking in water and I'm going to grow some from my mums bean pods ! Hopefully they will flourish !

[tungthai]

Hi, I lost my Dad a month ago to cancer. The funeral has happened and I'm almost there with the paperwork.

I haven't quite accepted that he is gone and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm completely convinced that I will see him again one day. If I live to an average life expectancy of 80 then I'll see him in 40 years and that doesn't sound so long. I also feel his presence all the time and I probably talk to him more now he is dead than when he was alive!

I'm worried that it will suddenly dawn on me that I have lost him and I will come crashing down like a ton of bricks. At the moment my faith which I haven't always had is really helping me cope and making me view life and the world in a positive light.

Is it normal to feel like this?

[mummylin2495]

Hello tungthai sorry you have joined this thread. I think for everyone here it can be very different but I do think the more weeks that pass it does hit you quite hard. Grieving s a very individual thing and it really does affect everyone differently. But in saying that all of us get quite overwhelmed at times by our losses. And we all have in common the awful sadness. It is very early days for you and it's quite hard to accept its happened. We're you close to your dad ? If so you will probably hit a wall and be in utter denial that this awful thing could of happened.
Everyone says it does get better and in a way it does and we have to carry on without them, but it's so hard sometimes to cope with. That's why it's good to talk to like minded people. I don't know what I would of done without this thread and the people on it.
They have been invaluable to me.a lot of us found that people in rl think we should be ok in a few weeks, but. It dosent work like that. We have also found that people who we thought would be supportive aren't, in some cases even family members or our dh,s.
Hope this dosent sound too much gloom and doom, but it's how I see it. Please continue to post here if you want to have a rant or you are feeling down. We will do our best to help x

[ssd]

agree there with mummylin

following on front my last post, and thinking about it more, I dont know if I'm much further forward, but I just seem to be internalising everything, because I dont have anyone to share this with. No one at all was half as upset as I was when mum died, and thats not me wallowing. I still think of it all and replay it in a loop in my mind, on and on. I'm going to see cruse on july 18, I dont know how I feel about that. I dont know if I need to talk about it or if I should just keep it in and hope it goes away of its own accord. It'll feel really weird talking about my mum, no one has hardly mentioned her since she died and no one has asked how I feel, not since the few weeks after she died, and its been 9 months now. I'm just used to keeping it all in, I dont know if cruse will help, I dont know what they'll say. I still cant believe my own siblings havent thought I might be upset these last 9 months, not once have they asked how I am, or how I got on clearing out mums flat alone, never asked what I did with her stuff, never asked a thing. Is that not weird? Do they really think I threw it all in a skip and walked away? I mean they are older than me, in their 50's, they arent 16 year olds, I find it so hard to think I've went through the most devastating thing to happen to me and they havent noticed or said a thing, not at all. I need to get over this, when I start thinking of this it gets under my skin again and upsets me, I'm best forgetting them and having no contact at all. Maybe cruse will be able to help me here, but how can they understand that siblings can be so detached from each other, so unfeeling? I dont know, I dont think theres any answer. Most people would say "just have it out with them" but we're not close enough for that, I have a long history of being patronised and treated like some sort of daughter by them, its really a weird set up my family, my siblings are a lot older than me and dont see me like a sister, I actually dont know what they see me as. mummylin, do you think I should just forget them? Thats my gut instinct, but i have no other extended family, thats it....(sorry for all this).

I'm sorry tungtie, I hope you've got good support round you. Do you still have your mum alive? I'm sorry for your loss, and everyone here of course

xx

[Portofino]

Dd in the car tonight asked me what the worst thing that happened to me as a child was. I said "well to be honest, my mum dying" she moved quickly on to her broken arm. I felt mean for giving her the truthful answer..

[ssd]

but its the truth porto, and its the first thing you think of at times like these

[mummylin2495]

Mums are so special Aren't they. But I can understand your dd bring concerned about her arm, that prob is the most important to her, and quite rightly too but you were only giving her an honest answer !
ssd I don't know what e answer is for you, if you cant talk to them could you write it all in a letter or an email and send it to each of your siblings, then see by their response what you want to do next. It may be that they are competely
Oblivious to how bad you felt / feel. I can't think of anything else you can do.

[GinGuzzler]

Just had to come on as I am feeling a bit down and just wanted to get it off my chest to someone.

I know it's been 8 1/2 years now but somedays I really just want a hug off my lovely mam. She died very unexpectedly aged 53 and was found by us after lying on her kitchen floor for 36 hrs with her dog sat by her side.

She rang me while I was getting ready for a nightshift saying she had a bad head, I told her to ring the out of hours GP and that I would phone her later that night before she went to bed. As I said goodbye and sorry to rush her off the phone, as I hung up she dropped down dead with brain heamorage. The guilt I feel about this cripples me some days.

I have months when I feel fine and can talk about her with very fond memories. Then everynow and then I just want to cry and tell her I love her. These down spells never last long and usually when I am alone but it seriously cuts me to the core. More so now as my little boy asks where my mammy is as he is aware of his friends having nana and grandas (my OH and me have no parents between us)

I just felt I needed to off load as I am having a bit of a crap time at the mo with work and my sheer hatered for the place.

Feel a but better for having a few tears and get how I felt out there and not swim round my head.

[mummylin2495]

gin by what you have said you have nothing to feel guilty about. What do you think you could of done ? You said she died as the phone call ended. Please don't carry any guilt, it sounds like there would of been nothing you could do. I am sure you miss her immensely, especially as it was a sudden death, my mums death was sudden too and that in itself is a terrible shock, and I too will never get over that awful
feeling when it happened. You advised your mum what to do and said you would ring her later, which was lovely. You weren't to know what had happened and she was there with her dog.
She was very young to lose her life and I'm sure that some of what you feel is grief for the years you and your ds should be having with your mum now. I am sorry you are feeling sad. X

[GinGuzzler]

Thanks Mummylin, normally cope well but seem to be down in the dumps lately. Other factors involved.

Just thought I would try telling someone instead of letting it fester. Do feel a bit better, just glad someone listened IYKWIM.

[mummylin2495]

It's difficult isn't it. Sometimes it's just nice to be able to talk about how we feel and even to talk about our mums. I'm sure my family get fed up with me because I'm always bringing my mum into conversations, I can't seem to help it. Prob your job isn't helping you at ths time seeing as you hate it, any chance you could change it ? And if you are going through other things as well you must be going through a rotten time , which in turn isn't going to help you. Your mum will never be gone entirely. You are here and also your ds !

[mummylin2495]

I am so upset over a silly little thing but I could cry. Dh decided to mend the garden lights but had to take up some paving slabs. He has used my mums trowel and broken it. I am angry, upset and annoyed that he dosent think, he just uses anything he comes across, regardless of wether its a suitable tool. If I cry I'm not gonna stop. Feel very agitated today now .

[Portofino]

My mum died June 18th 1973. So nearly 40 years ago. Weeks ahead of her 22nd birthday. I struggle to get my head round this at all. I don't even remember her. I remember going to the hospital. She was at the royal Marsden for quite a while. My dad struggled to afford the train fare to visit.