Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

It is different for your dh , he isn't the one grieving like you, sometimes you just want to be left alone with your thoughts.
Sorry you are finding your aunt tiresome, but I think you are probably more aware of things at the moment and it makes every little thing seem so much worse if that's possible
Glad you have outfit sorted, that's one less thing to sort out. Is everything in place now ? How is your mum and sister bearing up. What an ordeal for your poor mum

Yes, I can't imagine what she is going through. They were married for 42 years. She was so dependant on him.
My aunt and I have history (or rather I have never told her how much she has hurt me in the past - just seethed quietly) but she loved dad. No doubt about that.
I am also pre menstrual ATM too - such great timing!
I keep biting my lip or going upstairs as I know I am very sensitive ATM.
Aunt wants to take us all out for a meal tomorrow night. Don't want to do but will feel guilty if I don't go.
Gah.

Well at least it means you won't have to cook so that's something ! Must be difficult situ with your aunt, but she will soon be gone ! Just try and see ahead to Wednesday. Yes for u mum it's ,like losing half of herself. She will be ok , she has support from you and siblings, thank god , I don't know how people cope if they have no-one at all in the world . It ,use be terrible

Hello and thank you for the welcome.

We are lucky to have a lot of support around. I have an older brother who I'm very close to and he has a lovely partner, as do I. In terms of support and care for mum, we are doing what we can between us, and mum has millions of friends and 7 sisters-in-law, all of whom are falling over themselves to help. She also has paid carers coming in every day, she outsources most of her laundry and has cleaners, and a gardener to take care of the domestic stuff so that the rest of us can focus on giving emotional support. Her own illness is 'stable' at present- they have stopped her chemo as it has achieved its aim: not to get rid of the cancer but to give mum a bit more time and a better quality of life. The sad irony being, of course, that she is not in any position to enjoy 'quality of life' now that she is suddenly a widow. She is very thin and frail but she is ok, and doing so well with it all. Similar to your parent badvoc, my folks had been married for 43 years and I can't get my head round how mum must be feeling.

Lucy I'm so sorry to hear you have split up with your partner. That must be so sad and stressful on top of your bereavement.

Badvoc Like you, I'm incredibly irritable with almost everyone. I went to a wedding at the weekend (obviously deliberated over going but mum said she knew dad would have wanted me to, and she was right). I enjoyed the ceremony and afternoon but was so exhausted by 6pm and the small-talk and drunkness of other guests just started to get on my wick so I took refuge in the car for a couple of hours of peace, to have a cry and a snooze :)

Lego...I am vile to be around ATM.
I even resent my dc. I don't want to play, or read to them, or wash and iron their clothes. I want to be left alone to grieve. And I can't. Too much to do.
I am really starting to resent it and that's not a nice way to feel.
I am not going to the meal. I just can't see me being able to sit eating loads of food the night before dads funeral...I guess it would be good if I could but I can't.
It's getting real now...relatives arrive tomorrow. Just written the card for dads flowers. Done the photo album. Am now thinking I might wear trousers instead....sigh. Clothes have never been my strong point..l

Awwww Badvoc I'm hopeless with clothes too :(

It's occurred to me that I might find it hard to start any sort of 'normal' grieving process while I'm out of routine and away from home. Am going to be staying with mum loads over the coming weeks and months, cause she's still ill herself and I can't quite get my head round exactly when I'll be able to go back to my own house permanently! Feel so unsettled and don't know where to put myself. Not sure that makes any sense but I know what I mean :S

Sounds like you have been very organised with the arrangements Badvoc Well done, none of this is easy. It's all hard, it's all exhausting. x

I have tried to do as much as I can. No choice really..when it first happened my brother was pretty much catatonic with shock, mum was in hospital and my sister was in lanzarote.
Dh had to go back to work on the Monday (he was a the end of a 2 week holiday and his boss then went away for his 2 week holiday) and that's been hard.
My bil is self employed and has taken the month off and my brother has been told to take as long as he needs off.
But I have had to just get on with it.
And I have found that very very hard.
I am not what you would call a fashionable person but I just want to look nice for dad.
I am exhausted. No other word for it. Mentally, emotionally, physically...
It must be so hard being split between your home and your mums. I have no idea what we will do after weds when my aunts go home!...my brother won't stay overnight. How do my sister and I stay over when we need to be at home for our dc?
What a mess...

when my dad died I bought a travel cot so I could stay at my mums a few nights a week. ds1 was just a baby then. like your mum, badvoc and waterlego, my parents were married nearly 50 years when my dad died, I don't know how mum managed without him. but she got used to it and carried on, we were always close but with mum alone and no other family in this country I started sort of looking after mum as she was in her early 70's and it carried on more and more until I was her only visitor and carer when she died last year. she had home helps but everything else was left to me. I miss her so much, I feel like she must have felt when my dad died. I just wish I had someone like me to help me get over it!!

I'm sorry for the girls who have joined, its an awful awful time.

t875, how are you doing? have you started a new job or are you busy with the kids being on holiday? am thinking of you xx

Hi ssd hope you are getting on ok. Well as ok as possible , have you got your next apt with cruse yet ?
badvoc wear trousers if that makes you feel more comfortable, it doesn't really matter, I, sure you will look nice whatever you wear. I wore trousers at my mums. But it was November and too cold for skirts for me.
waterlego what a difficult situation you are in at the moment you won't know if your coming or going with the house situation . Has your dads funeral been arranged ? 43 years is such a long time to be with someone. Almost the same as badvoc,s mum it's so sad for the ones left behind
Thinking of everyone who is in this awful situation.

Oh that's hard ssd. I'm so sorry.
I have my brother and sister which helps, but as executrix there is stuff that only I can do (estate etc)
Dh is going to sit down with mum and work out a budget with her...dad did everything so she needs a lot of help.
It just seems so unreal still. I was with dad when he died. I saw him at the hospital in resus and I have seen him at the chapel of rest.
And I still can't believe he is gone.

badvoc I am 21 months on and still can't believe it's all happened. Horrible story on front pages of our local paper this week about an old lady who called her son from her hospital bed and asked him to help her. Then she died. There is an enquiry now going to be held. But it's the hospital where my mum died and of course now my mind has gone right back to when mum died and hers was an unexpected death and I keep thinking maybe they didnt go to my mum quick enough etc .

Mummylin....how awful for you. The Stafford enquiry has been harrowing to read/hear on the news.
My family and I are struggling too. Dad went to the gp the Friday evening before he died on the Saturday complaining of pain in his left arm. The gp told him it was tennis elbow.
We are very angry.
But don't know what to do...if anything. Nothing will bring dad back. But what if? What if she had sent him to a and e? What if he had had an ECG? Would it have made any difference?
He had no chest pain. But a man of his age - a smoker, pre diabetic, high cholesterol....surely that warrants investigation?
Mum feels guilty she didn't make him go to a and e.
I feel guilty they didn't tell me he went to the doctors and why.
We all just feel guilty.
And it's corrosive.

I understand how you feel., no evidence to say they didnt look after my mum. But I can't help thinking like you of the what ifs. And mum died at the weekend . Would she of lived if a consultant had been there ? I don't know but I can't help thinking about it.
I am sure you are very angry about this and yes I would of thought pain In Arm is a classic symptom and he should of been checked over in hospital. But whatever we think it won't now bring them back, but it dosent stop you worrying about the what ifs

It's a horrible litany isn't it?
What if...what if...dad died on a weekend too. The doctors who tried to resusitate him looked about 12!

I expect you will be getting very edgy today but that is normal. Are you going to see your dad again today or is that it for you ? I am sure you are dreading tomorrow and it is a harrowing thing to have to go through. But once it's over and you are at the wake. You will feel a sense of relief. It's very weird.makes you feel .like you are watching everything from afar.do you have any last minute things to do today or is everything now sorted

Yes, I feel very edgy and nervous.
Relatives are at the b&b.
I am going to see dad with dh at 1pm.
I just want it to be over. Is that bad?

No You are feeling quite normal. It is a very sad day coming up for you. You will feel better after the funeral whilst you are among all the people. It's when everyone has gone it will really hit you. Be prepared for this. That is when most people go back to their normal lives, but for the immediate family ie you and siblings and mum. It's not so easy.

Mum is with her sisters.
I am going to bed.
I am so tired.
My aunt has organised a meal tonight but I am not going. No one wants to go tbh but she is insisting.
She told us yesterday that we have to "get over it and get back to normal" Ffs.
I must not direct all my rage at her. Even if she is amazingly tactless.

There is no way you can " just get over it" a broken heart takes time to mend. A long time . Yes try and get some rest and have some quiet time for yourself . Oh and life will never be " normal " again for the family who loved your dear dad.

I know.
I tried to tell my sister how upset it made me and how she trying to be centre stage with everything and sis just said "I don't really care"
So I am keeping my distance.
If I don't see her she can't upset me.
I just dont understand why mum just sets there when she comes out with all this rubbish.
Maybe I am in the wrong. Maybe I should just sit and put up with it?

Well it's a difficult situation and probably things that you would let pass in the past are now getting on your nerves more than ever. It's the circumstances. I would just try to turn a deaf ear to all the rubbish she comes put with. And after she has gone home keep contact to as little as possible . People are very thoughtless at times and don't think/ care what others think when they say inappropriate things,

Yes.
I think you are right

It may be me being unreasonable.
To me, a big meal at a restaurant is something to be done the night before a wedding, not a funeral.
I can't really stomach food at all ATM but I guess others can.
It just really bugs me the way no one will stand up to her...they dont want to go (they have been up since 3am) but no one will refuse to go.
Is madness!

Are you still not going ? Get yourself a little snack or something if you are staying at home. Yes normally everyone meeting up for dinner is to celebrate a birthday or something, it's nt unreasonable that you don't want to go. Is your sister going ? You do what is right for you, not anybody else

I think they are all going....not sure...mum was very unsure but her sister usually gets her own way.
I'm not going. I told her yesterday I wasn't.
Just had a banana!
Is odd isn't it?
I am hyper sensitive ATM and I guess that's why I feel insecure guessing myself over every little decision.