As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

Hi everyone, been thinking about you expat and your family a lot lately but esp today xxxx

Well I can really.relate to you st v, I feel just the same, I'm ok on my own or with a very small selection of people.
I tend to avoid people ALOT
I feel more lonely around people
And I can't handle the clumsy shit they say
I try to be more assertive,but its an on going battle

We have a big family wedding on in Aug, I simply can't face going.
I can't face aunts and uncles that I've not even seen since ds died
I just can't do it
It's like having a sudden serious mental health disorder I think
I've told my mum I'm not going and she doesn't seem v impressed
And I feel guilty as I know how much work is involved organising a wedding
But I feel too sensitive and vunerable to go
It.makes.me so sad.to be like this, but I don't know how to get through any other way

The sun keeps reminding me of the song,with the lyrics
Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go

Sunnydays seemtohurtthe most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face, I hear you laughin' in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the storythat hadjustbegun, But death tore the pages allaway. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one couldtake yourplace. An' sometimes I wonder, Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chaseyourdreams?Settle down with a family, I wonderwhat would you name your babies?Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you, An' I knowitmight soundcrazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the storythat hadjustbegun, But death tore the pages allaway. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one couldtake yourplace. An' sometimes I wonder, Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today. Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunnydays seemtohurtthe most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, Is I knowI'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

That's the song that plays over in my mind in hot weather

Thank you so much White - I had never heard this song before.

Hope you dont mind - I 'pinched' it and put it on my Facebook! xx

Hi Shabs of course I don't mind at all. I'm glad you like it too.

have you heard this one before? I might have posted it before, I can't really even remember what I post tbh its the same guy.

I love music - loads of different kinds. The only thing I am not keen on is Jazz and really heavy metal!! BUT I love country music - its real lyrics and straight from the heart. xx

Expat, my thoughts are with you and your family today and your beautiful Allidh. Much love. I am so sorry your heart has been broken xxxxx

Please forgive me, I misspelt your beautiful girl's name..Aillidh xx

Aillidh, Aillidh, Aillidh. We shout your name with love. Xx

My candle is lit for you and your family tonight Expat xxx

Morning girls xx

Had a hospital appointment today, the Dr wants me to see my gp to get refered for cbt

To help me to stop worrying about everything
And to.start thinking more positively

Not really sure what to.make of the advice tbh

What do you think?

She's told me to read a book called he secret.

Morning girls xx

I know this might be a stupid question White BUT what is cbt?

nhs cbt

thread

morning shabs, ive put a link on to the nhs cbt info

and I started a thread in chat to ask people what they thought to it

this is the book ive been advised to read
here

Ahhhh thank you for the links - now I know what you mean. I am a firm believer that 'whatever works' is a good idea. I personally went to see a physciatrist but quite a few years after Matt was killed. When I got there she specialised in 'art thereapy' - she encouraged me to draw something and I am useless at art. Then I drew what I knew she wanted me to draw and then listened to her explanation. To be honest, probably cause of my behaviour, it was useless for me.

I would love to be regressed under hypnosis!! Then I cant say (when asked how I am feeling) 'Im fine thanks.' That is always my reply and has been even after my sons died.

My thereapy is with my best friend who didn't know me at the time the boys died but will listen for hours gabbing on and on about all kinds of stuff.

'Whatever works' sums up how I feel about counsellors, thereapy etc. xx

hi there white. I have that book. A friend gave it to me a few years ago... now I am wondering what she was trying to tell me. It is an easy read, and it talks about the power of positive thinking, and how you can make your life better by thinking in a different way. It's not for everyone, but as shabba said, different things work for different people. It wasn't really me. You can have my copy if you like - just pm me your address and I'll pop it in the post.

A very good friend of mine has had CBT, and she found it enormously helpful. She'd had a tough few years - her IVF baby died at birth, then she had IVF twins, then 6 weeks after they were born, her husband's cancer re-appeared - and then he died 8 months later, exactly a year before Mia. As you might imagine, life was pretty horrible and overwhelming for a long time, but CBT was a very positive thing for her. (I can't give you more detail as to how exactly, I am just going on what she said about it.)

Oh, The Secret! I thought that was supposed to be a bit woo, as in asking the Universe for things?

Well, I asked the universe to give me ?100, 000 the other day. I won ?3 on the Lotto. I suppose it's a start....

It is, chip.

yeah i'm all for whatever works for you, guess its figuring out what that actually is that's the tricky part

thanks for the offer mias mummy but ive just gone and bought it from whsmiths today

I get what ypu mean about being given it, as when ds died only about two months later a friend gave me a book, the dali lama art of happiness
I thought wtf

but now I can see she was just trying to help
I didnt even read the whole book as a few things didn't feel comfortable to me
such as at the start it talks about how you should be grateful for what you do have, fine I get that, I agree
then it started to say you should think about others in a worse situation and use that as a way to feel better yourself

now i'm well aware, people see me in that way, ive even had someone say something along the lines of, well I said to dh the other night even thought our kids do our heads in etc etc, at least we are not whiteandyellowiris
I got the sentiment
but it came across as my life is so shit it makes others feel better about theres
which I don't think is very nice or kind really

so that really turned me off the book, and I haven't finished
it

White, I can't believe someone actually said that to you!
I know people must obviously think it, but to actually say it!

I follow a couple of Buddhist leaders on facebook and my brother has explained a lot of it to me as well but I don't know, I just don't find the ideas terribly comforting. There's a lot of letting go of the past and I don't like it, Sylvie-Rose is in my past and I can't let her go, nor do I want to. And I do believer in re-incarnation but I don't like the idea that she moves on to somewhere else without me. And I can feel her with me in any case.

chip it was actually my sil that said it
I know, I agree, I know people think it, but to actually say it to me
I thought what am I supposed to reply, well gee im so happy my life is so shit it make you feel better about yours...
wtf
you can see why I don't really talk to sil about things!

yeah I know what you mean about letting go, the vicar told me I need to let ds go.
but how on earth can I when he is a part of us, always in our hearts always on my mind, just as much as dd.
how on earth can you let your child go, and really do we even want to, and how would that help
you can't let go of someone you can still feel around you

ive been thinking a lot about the afterlife, and been thinking when a person dies, what happens to there energy
I mean a person is living and breathing and must have their own energy, well surely energy cannot just end?[or can it?]
surely energy can only convert from one type of energy to another
you cant end it or stop it, surely?

that's the only way I can see it, although admittedly I am certainly not the most intelligent person on here!

how are you doing atm chip?

I haven't 'let go' of my boys - 31 and 21 years later. I refuse to try to forget them or let go of them. Letting go to me means pretending they didn't exist. They are all around me, everyday and everywhere I go. Just that now my memories are softer and filled with smiles and laughter.

Like today......have been asking the lads to be with their grandparents because they need them. I was there today when there carer came. She has been going to see them for over a month but our visits have never collided!! Also we live in different areas so I dont know why this carer has been dragged quite a few miles to my parents house. She walked in and looked at me then looked at my parents many pictures and said....'Oh my word, just oh my word NOW I know those boys. Thats Matt isint it? I was only 4 when he was killed but I remember coming with my Mum to your house and my Mum kept hugging you.' Turns out we lived very close and knew the entire family. When she had gone my Mum said 'she is the kindest carer we have and she is lovely.' So thanks boys - for helping to care for your grandparents by sending the best people.

Letting go does not mean anything - neither does 'getting over it' 'learning to live with it' and any other crap words. Putting one foot in front of the other and remembering our children always is all that matters.

white, you are very clever indeed, don't run yourself down!

I think that too, that a person is not just a bunch of cells, that this is a suit we wear while we're here ( I only wish I had picked a prettier, more svelte suit but that can't be helped now!)

My Dad used not be very religious and I although he went to Mass, I think he really only did it to fit in with others, in Ireland in the 60's and 70's it was not socially acceptable to be an atheist. But I do remember when one of our neighbours died, he said to me "You know, John's body is dead, but that part of John that used to lean over the fence and make jokes, that part couldn't be gone, it had to go somewhere".
After my Dad died, I remembered that, and was comforted by the fact that although he had a science PhD, that he still believed in something and was likely having a lovely time with friends who had passed.

And I don't think even vicars understand, unless they themselves have lost a child. Most people have lost a parent or a grandparent. Far easier to move on and get over things when they are in the correct order.

shabs, the boys definitely sent that lovely carer! It's nice that your folks have someone you can trust, it's so important.

Morning girls xx