I have just come to bed and read the astonishing number of posts to me, thank every one of you who has so kindly taken the time to write to me. I am really touched and very grateful. I am also very grateful to northern for outlining some practical things I will need to start tomorrow.
My family and friends are being amazing. I asked them for 24 hour help for the next few days, and they have made a rota between themselves. I couldn't ask for more or better support.
But I haven't got any meaningful words for today because words seem to have lost all meaning. I keep saying things which have no meaning. Like, my husband died this morning. I was there. In fact, I told him how wonderful he is, in every way, then told him it was time to sleep, he was tired so just sleep now, and that was it, he stopped breathing. It was utterly peaceful, just him and me and his daughter.
But I simply cannot connect that person in that hospital bed with the man who lives in our home. Where is my husband? The words, my husband died, are without meaning to me. I can't believe it even though I was there, its surreal.
Words just lose all their meaning.
Words cannot even start to express the feelings. Such a vast disconnect between what is coming out of my mouth and what is inside me, its so odd so terrible.
And yes, grief is like a vast silent inert stone inside your being. You can't think at all. Then its falling down through a bottomless space forever. Then lost in a tsunami of terror and panic and disbelief.
My husband is woven into a fabric with me. If he is gone, I am unravelled. I don't feel I exist now. He is part of me. He can't go, I ned him; he loves life, he was desperate to just get out of hospital and get home. So where is he? Why isn't he here?
Now I'm in bed, sooooo tired, but terrified to sleep and wake up and he's still not here and I have to start to understand that the bridge between my total disbelief that he's not alive, and the reality that he has died, might be breached. And I will be utterly alone, unravelled, bereft, terrified, desperate, grief itself, overwhelmed.