Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

Matilda - I think that sometimes your DD (like all other children) act 'like that.' You are not screwing her up - please believe me x

I told her we were going away for Xmas so she and DS can have a good Christmas and she said, 'You can't this year because you're sad because Aillidh died.'

cafecito, did you get the application in?

Expat - I would say to her 'Yes I am very, very sad - I think we are all sad. BUT your sister would want us to try and enjoy ourselves. We have to do the best we can to honour her and if we all stay close together we can show her that we miss her but are doing our best.' xxx

Thanks, shabba. That sounds perfect. I'm going to copy that.

shabba as always, spot on :) yes I did get it in, expat. I actually had two but one didn't have a date I did the undated one at 4am- then fell asleep on my table in front of my computer. Awoke far too late, very stiff, and did the other one today before rushing to the hosptial and making myself late en route by posting stickers to DS (he's with my mother) and buying soup that I had no time to eat as I had to run to the tube. daft

typos everywhere!

I saw my counsellor today, I hadn't seen her for a month. She made me feel really bad about DS. She had such a go at me when I said he didn't need me there at Christmas. Also she said he will forget me if I don't have him back full time now. I said I am finding it difficult with childcare, my placements (I work nights in A&E ffs) and financially irksome with nursery fees of over £1000 a month while student finance hasn't come through yet and I get no support from ex P. More to the point, I confessed I find it hard to be a parent to him. I was waaaay too honest. Also I must have sounded a bit bonkers, because I said I was scared t have him living in my apartment full time because I keep looking around and seeing hazards- I have a big bookcase and I'm terrified he will pull it on top of him and die, I'm worried about his window opening up, the stairs, etc etc. I am just convinced he could die she told me to man up and that I need to stop pushing him away, she's right, but she doesn't understand how it feels to have never really been able to bond in case he dies... so if anyone's buggered up their DCs it's certainly me!

At least it's in! :)

I really do feel like I'm fucking up my kids, especially because I was gone for pretty much the entire 8 months Aillidh was in hospital because AML protocol is so intense, she was never out but for a total of 3 weeks of that.

So they lost their mother and sister in one blow, the mother they got back is pretty much an animated corpse.

I hate going to doctors, which is odd because several of my close friends are medics, but when we get back from the US and my circadian rhythm and pineal gland are truly shot to hell, I need to see one to get a grip on this insomnia.

I've had it since I was 13, but since Aillidh fell ill (and I slept with her all but 10 of the nights she was in), it's off the hook (the minimum you got away with in there were 4-hourly obs, but plenty of times, it was all night, every night). She was a shite sleeper in there, too.

I used to be happy - loved to bake and cook and do crafts and play with the kids.

Now I want to sleep and write a bunch of tripe and smoke rollies.

I'd sack her, cafe. She was about as helpful as a knuckle sandwich.

Let me guess, she's never lost a child?

Because everything you've just written makes perfect sense to me!

Let's see: person loses child (sorry, I don't know your full background story but I gather it was a deterioting disease, like cancer). This is hugely traumatic. Person gives birth to another child still well in the grieving process and is pursuing a difficult degree course. Person is finding it hard.

Do you a) help person because that's your job or b) be lazy and tell her to man up? Option b = sack.

I'm going to basically turn my two over to my sister and mother in about a week. For three weeks.

If things go further downhill, we may have them stay with them for a while.

Did she suggest any strategies for manning up? A magic wand?

My mom's like that. I have to endure three days with her before finally going to my sister's, who will be off work (she's a teacher) and has an 18-year-old daughter home from university and a nearly 16-year-old daughter. My sister told me flat out that she's taking over the kids. Good. I need that. Haven't had a single break since Aillidh died. Not one. I told my mother to please stop preaching and regaling me with stories about people who lost their children and 'turned it around', made it 'positive'. Newsflash: there is FA positive about watching your kid die in ICU from cancer treatment.

And she hasn't even been dead 6 months. I'm still at the stage where I cry every fucking day. I'm doing better, a couple of months ago, I truly wanted to die.

I'm up all night reading irrelevant studies and plotting audits while eating my bodyweight in little packets of nuts oink. I need to get a grip on my notsleeping too, not sure how to start. saying go to bed is just pointless, hey? no way I could sleep no matter how tired I really am. I was a good mum once, I did all the mummy things for a year with DD before she got ill. But DS, wow, I went back to work after 3 months maternity leave which I found a depressing torturous hell. Then I worked full time until the day before I started my course. I never saw him. I couldn't handle doing it all again with a different child. I know that's really bad but yeah, I also avoid other parents like the plague, even now. I know the one thing they all say is ''ooh is he your first?'' etc. AARGH I still can't answer that properly. So I just don't do mummy things at all now

I'm going to ask for low dose amitryp or low dose ad mirtzipine and if they say no then I'll just see another doc.

I avoid families with three young children. It's my trigger, because everyone sees one girl, one boy and that's it. The eldest one is a ghost no one can see but me.

Now I'm going to read Moby Dick and see if that induces sleep. With my luck, I'll probably find it engrossing this time round.

I was on 10 or 15 mg amitryptyline abot 10 years ago as I couldn't sleep at all, it didn't really do a lot for me but some people say it helps them just get off to sleep

amitriptyline, rather. yes any tricyclic could help with the overthinking cycle, think mirtaz would work similarly. I should have done this in pharmacology but I've done no work all semester maybe that would be something for me to read to send me to sleep!

Morning ladies.

shabba, I will try to shake today by the balls! Or at least I will attempt to get a few things done and not crawl back to bed.

cafe I am in awe of your energy. I feel such a slug. I had to complete my nurse training many years ago, as a single parent after my DD's dad died suddenly. I barely managed and I left nursing as soon as I finished the course (to return a few years later). Your DS's normal might not be 'typical', but if he's got attachments to people as well as you, I suspect he might actually be doing fine.

shabba you are so right. I do think acknowledging the sadness to our remaining children is ok. Trying to fiind someone else - family, friends etc., - to be jolly around them at Christmas is being a good parent, rather than struggling to pretend to be cheerful ourselves all the time.

Morning, all!

My insomnia finally caved at 3 and I got a whole 5 hours!

Mine is characterised by not being able to fall asleep. Once I'm asleep, I do fine!

Gonna grab it today, shabba, have a lot to sort out.

Morning girls xx

I am shaking as we speak LOL.

xx

cafe, your counsellor is talking a load of crap.

I know a girl who was raised by her aunts as her Dad was disabled and her Mum worked long hours. She's fine, a lovely person. I think so long as there's a loving person there, the child will be fine.

Is anyone else finding the thread is not showing up on Threads I'm On or in the main Bereavement topic? Or have I hidden it by mistake?

Oh dear my insomnia is not good, I went to bed at 7am. This is very bad because I overslept dreadfully and missed what I was meant to do this morning!

I am a bit sick of people being judgemental, a friend on my course is always like 'so what are you getting DS for christmas?? a mum??' it's day in day out, I try to laugh it off but it's unrelenting and sometimes it just gets to me, he has no clue.

SaintVera that is no easy task! you are no slug!!

Thanks for making the point if he has attachments he's probably ok, he's certainly got his little peer group in a nursery there who he's far more attached to than his London friends, and in terms of family he has 3 people there rather than just absent me. It's possibly harder for me than him. But my counsellor was so judgey it made me feel worse. I didn;t choose to have him there, I was moving house and had to over exams and had nobody to help with him and had to put him out of harm's way when crazy ex was threatening us

It doesn't help that you often work nights, either, cafecito. I agree with chip. I have a mate whose daughter has had to live in another country with my mate's sister and family as she undergoes cancer treatment. The girl is fine, seriously, she is!

Get rid of the counsellor. You don't need judgey people in life. Person on course, I'd be truthful, 'Look, I know I have problems bonding with DS because of DD's death, but I love him and I'm trying to do what's best for all of us and I'm seeking help with it. When you stay stuff like that, it's really hurtful to me, even if you think it's a joke. I'd appreciate it if you didn't say stuff like that. Believe me, I'm well aware of my issues.'

Can you see someone and get some zops/zopiclone? Works for me in a real pinch but I'm out just now.

Bet if I tried to stay up all night, I couldn't do it. LOL.

I've been announcing to people that DS is six months dead. Today, a friend pointed out that it is five months since DS died. How did I manage to confuse that?!! It seems insane. I am struggling with concentration and memory, even more than I usually struggle.

I did try to grab Friday by the balls and started well. I am now a slug, trying to kick myself off this computer. I find Facebook a bugger for time-sapping. All these things add to my sense of purposeless now DS has died.

Remembering Thomas, born 23/11/12 by emcs and fought for 2 hours before slipping away. We miss you baby boy x

cafe echoing all the others here - your counsellor is total rubbish. Ignore her.

rosduk remembering Thomas with you. xx

saintvera it feels like eternity, so one month here or there really doesn't matter. And you definitely are no slug!!

chip sorry darling, think it is you ... all totally visible here

shabba love Matty's words of wisdom. Still believe that you could write a a best-seller on Matty-isms!

expat I have realised that Mia will be invisible to most people too. I hate that, it makes me furious.

Received a lovely little Rainbow quilt from the magical Knotty today for Finn, and a little something from our gorgeous robin-loving friend... both made me cry. Finn is sleeping in his rocker at the moment, making the cutest little squeaky hum as he breathes - aaah.

Also went to the hospital with MrMia today, to discuss their response to the Rule 43 requirement from the coroner, which is due next week. They have been very open about the work which has been done, and what is yet to do, and see the contact with us and other bereaved families as integral to future improvements. Encouraging.

expat for some reason I didn't see your posts last night after rollies ine. No she has never lost a child. No she didn't give me any strategies, she never does. I only go because she's at the hospital, and I was advised to see someone by occ health more than a year ago because I was quite underweight- had a lot of stress leaving my job- so I started going to see her. I like it because it's the first time I've had any space to talk about stuff. But she obviously has no experience in dealing with child death.

Thanks for making me feel less awful. Everyone tells me I'm such a bad parent and all I've done is try and do what's best for DS which was to give him a stable environment for a while. She really had a go at me about when I would have him back and all the damage I will have done to him by now