Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

Hi everyone, been lurking and reading recently.

Our child benefit and tax credits got paid for 8 weeks after Dexter died. Got a nice ish letter from the child benefit saying how sorry they were to be writing to us in these circumstances, but to let us know the child benefit would be paid for 8 weeks. The tax credits weren't so nice and just said pretty much Dexter didn't exist after such and such a date and we'd no longer get money for him. I knew we wouldn't get money but it was like a kick in the stomach that after a date he no longer existed

Today has been a very strange day went to the doctors feeling rubbish, turns it I have pleurisy, and I'm pregnant. Not had a period for a while, thought it was stress, mentioned it in the passing, turns out I could be a far gone as 9 weeks. I feel so guilty and scared

Also finally heard back from the procurator fiscal, was SIDS no ther cause. I want a cause, I don't want it to be that. I want a reason he died, I've cried all afternoon. I just want to know why and now I never will

Myfive, that's what we got too, just SIDS. It is a let-down isn't it?
We were told we were "unlucky" which made me want to do a big Miley Cyrus "Ya think???!!!"

And wow, congratulations on the pregnancy! I know you must be nervous as hell but fx that all will be fine and you will have a new little brother or sister for Dexter to watch over xxx

Thank you chip.

It does indeed feel a let down. I want an answer, I want to know why my baby. I was so scared he had suffocated and was fully expecting it to comeback saying that. She said there was 1 or 2 little things but she never said what. Will need to wait for the letter. It means we can get his belongings back too.

I'd restrict her on FB and hide her.

Kate, feel free to post however often you want or need to xx

You poor thing, that must have been so scary! I'm glad Raegan is on the mend, now.

Don't feel you have to see that friend if you don't want to. What on earth was she thinking, posting a photo like that with her in-your-face caption? If you are godmother to her kids, then just send them a gift from time to time on birthdays etc. I would do it gradually, just see them a little less often, then a little less again..... If it wasn't for her kids, I'd have said, drop her like a hot potato!

That's exactly it...if it weren't for the children I would do. Its going to be a struggle not seeing them x I'm going to get Xmas out the way and lay my cards on the table, might delete fb too whilst I'm at it x thank you ladies x

Also on Facebook, you can click on a friend's name and tick "Unsubscribe".
It means you are still officially friends but you don't see every dreary update they make. I had to do this with one of dh's cousins. She really is a lovely girl and I am fond of her but God, she lives on FB and only on FB and updates every 10 seconds! I wasn't actually getting a chance to see anyone else on there!

Kate you really don't need a friend like that. I truly found out who my real friends were after DD died. SO many disappeared, some were just crass and hideously insensitive and clueless and hurtful. But there remained a few, firm steady few. And it's those I now class as my true friends.

My5 congratulations, I'm sure you have a whole mix of emotions right now. I had DS after DD died, (a one off!) and it was tinged with sadness and nerves. But I'm so glad I had him.

shabba my name used to begin with a c, but I had a lot of personal troubles with my relationship with ex P that was pretty abusive and violent and I just decided to disappear entirely from MN, I was then very busy with work. But a. I finally got away from exP!! hurraaah and b. I'm still me still here plodding on :) you were an absolute rock then and still are :) hope your grandson is doing well

I've unsubscribed quite a few.

And if I get one more person passing on that article on the 'breakthrough' treatment at CHOP, which was used to treat a girl with ALL, a completely different form of leukaemia from Aillidh's, I'm going to scream.

Why on Earth does anyone think I want to read that, anyhow?

Oh, here's a lovely new treatment for a cancer your daughter didn't have. Too bad she died before it, though. Um, thanks for that.

Feeling very low today. Very, very low. I'm glad I have DD2 and DS, but they are very young, and I think about having to fake it for years and years for them.

I hate this.

Expat, I saw that and I thought, I bet some idiots are going to share that on expat's wall!

Saw a child today who had been born 16 weeks early. But he's fine. I KNOW it's great that he's fine but I just wish my girl had been fine too. She looked like she was going to be fine!

I have found that as I keep pretending for the boys, eventually some of the pretending becomes real. Just some of it!

Hello all. Also reading and lurking, my words aren't flowing very easily at the moment. Very conflicted by my love for Finn, as it is also intensifying my love for Mia. Her death seems even more incomprehensible each day.

I wrote to a lovely friend about this, and she understands, as she lost her own son. Amongst the words she sent back were these, and I wanted to share them with you all, as I am thinking that they do provide some hope as we all struggle..."And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " Anais Nin

Not sure I am at that place yet, but have to hope it is in my future. And all yours too. xx

Oh, they did, chip. Look, here's a breakthrough she didn't get. Well, you know, it wouldn't have been a breakthrough for her, anyhow because she didn't have that form of leukaemia. Her form was vastly different.

YY, why not my girl? Why did she have to be the one who died? I think of the future, of faking it for my kids and going through the motions, and it depresses the living hell out of me.

expat you are kidding! what f*ing stupidity! I'm astounded by that. Then again, most people are ridiculously stupid in the wake of a child's death I'm sure we all have 'worst things people said' as a list in our heads. But seriously that's just so thoughtless- :(

I feel like I have to go through the motions of faking happiness for DS, it's depressing. He is a joy to be around, he really is. But wow it's such relief when he's not with me because I don't have to have that happy face on. I'm just going to parent hm honestly, when he's older. I'll just be honest with him. I bought a photo frame (a big heart shape with loads of picture spaces) for DD's pictures but I'e put DS's in there as well. I want him to grow up knowing her as his sister. I don't want to screw him up though, but I want to be honest that he had a big sister and I love her and miss her very much. Children are so perceptive anyway.

Then again I know it's not easy doing that, my father died and I remember being a toddler and seeing my mother's reactions, her raw grief and her ensuing madness (no, actual real madness) and it was disturbing for me as a small child. I had to grow up so fast and take care of her. (didn't get any thanks, natch, and our relationship is crap) so I can see why it's hard to know how to be with children

do you ever get a break expat?

thank you for sharing that MiaAlexandrasmummy :) I think when something that awful happens to us, in essence we become stronger. Nothing will ever be as bad as what has happened, so for me anyway it has made me fearless. I think it can break you into pieces and then what is left of you is a much much stronger person.

No, I never get a break. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere, too. I get all paranoid whenever they're not with me, though.

I have to keep faking away.

I hate that she died.

expat we hate she died too. I get that life is unfair, we really don't need that particular lesson shoved so brutally in our faces. The cost should not be our children.

I can't sleep, feel so ill and my heads all over the place. I just want to be with my boy

I'm awake too fiveboys, sending you hugs. It's all so impossible, when the thing you want most, you can't have...

Wow, a new record for me! Didn't fall asleep till 4.20AM. Have a busy day now, though. What tends to happen is one night I'm up till the wee hours and the next I fall asleep around 11.

Anyone else go to sleep, wake up and the first thing they think is, 'X (your child's name) is still dead'?

Yes expat, me too. I tend to fall asleep ok then wake up around 4 or 5am and then I lie awake till it gets light just having wave after wave of panic, grief and disbelief. I always find those early hours the hardest. I think it's the one part of the day when nothing's being asked of me so it's when I process it. Love to all who are struggling with sleep. I'm a lifelong insomniac and it's bloody grim. Everything seems so much harder when you're not getting enough sleep. xx

Glad it's not just me!

My insomnia is characterised by not being able to get to sleep. Once I'm there, I generally stay asleep, but lately it's grown worse.

Before I had DD I would have long spells where I would lie awake all night and then drop off as the birds started singing. I would regularly go into a very demanding job on one or two hours' sleep. As soon as I had DD it was like an instant cure. I'd fall asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow (only to be woken at regular intervals by DD but that was INFINITELY preferable to being kept awake by my own demons). It was such a blessing. But now I feel insomnia creeping back into my life and it's just another one in the many hundreds of different ways that my life sucks now!! Stay strong girls. We are being tested to breaking point but we will survive and we will look back and wonder how we ever got through this but get through it we will xxx