'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

[cupofteaplease]

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

So am I.

So glad that the GP called you back and you have a week to breathe at least. My little boy died 8 months ago, and I don't work so didn't have that added problem, but if I did, there was no way that I could have gone back so early. I was barely able to function. I read somewhere that its all a bereaved person can do to get through the day in the beginning, its exhausting, and putting any extra pressure on ourselves just means that we cant cope with it. In my situation I think thats right, it took me 6 months to even be able to function to a level that I could pick my little boy up from school.

Things are getting easier, I can cope much better on a day to day basis, but back at the beginning I just needed to do whatever I could to get through a day, sometimes it was sleep, play suduko, internet, tv - anything to pass the time.

I have also spent a lot of time going over the what ifs. My little boy wasn't poorly. We put him to bed as normal and when we went to check on him he had died. I was the only one at home with him and I tortured myself that I was just downstairs, didnt hear him, what if he called for me, what if he was scared, was it quick, did he know, did I miss something, was he poorly. After months and months of this I tried to just think that he knew I loved him, I would do anything for him, he knew that, and if I could have stopped it I would. You would have to, of course you would, but sometimes its just out of our hands, and the guilt of that is the hardest to come to terms with I think.

I dont think like that so much now, its just a really slow process, and I think part of the grieving is going over and over it, the brain just doesnt seem to be able to turn it off.

I really am thinking of you and hope that you can get some rest this week and then have another chat with the gp.

Lots of love xxxx

Cup, look after yourself. Self reproach though completely wrongly based is inevitable, but try to cherish yourself a bit even while you go through all the different types and stages of grief. You were the perfect mother for Bea, just as she was the perfect babe for you. Honestly.

Twinkle I'm so sorry. As with cup, nothing one can say is adequate. But thoughts are with you too.

Hugs Cup, Twinkle and all left behind Mummy's.

Cup you need time, grief is very individual, get your rest and strength back and then you can start to move forward.

I am so sad for you . Please look after yourself . No one could have done more for your darling girl . The memories you built with her and your family will come to be of comfort to you .

I have been thinking of you all day , how I hope that you are sleeping now .

I saw a butterly ornament in M & S this morning and immediately thought of you, cup and your family. Hope you are able to take care of yourselves.

I am thinking of you and sending a prayer for peace in your heart and love to all the Teaset . I have been knitting today and every stitch is a stitch of love for Beatrice x

I was in the supermarket today and they were playing Van Morrison's "BrownEyed Girl." Made me instantly think of Beatrice. I don't know if it helps to know that people you have never met are mourning your daughter.
Thinking of all the Teaset xx

Thinking of you on this beautiful Sunday morning

It's blowing a hooley out there tonight. Our first winter storm. I hope your night is more peaceful. Sending you love and letting you that I am thinking of you .

Thank you for thinking of Beatrice, and of my family and I. I shall update later. Right now I have to drag myself out of bed. Each morning is so hard without the motivation of my snuffly, content little girl. She was doing so well, I feel like she's been stolen from me. It's all so wrong.

Thinking of you cup x

So sorry for your loss too, twinkle x

Thinking of you all Cup. You are doing so well. Sending you hugs xxx

It is wrong, cup. It is wrong for anyone to lose someone they love and it always hurts.

You and your family are often in my thoughts although I don't post often.

It is wrong that Beatrice was taken from you so young and I hope in time you find comfort with your memories of the joy and inspiration that she brought not only to you and your family but to a whole group of people that she never met.

Look after yourself xx

((((cup))))

Oh cup, I think of you, Bea and the family every day. You might not feel it now but you are a strong person, Bea enjoyed as full a life as she could in her short time because of you.
It is so wrong that she was taken so early. Remember Lourdes, remember your happy memories, hug your girls, hug your husband, get them to hug you. And please, be kind to yourself. One day at a time xxx

(((((cup)))))

Love is a double-edged sword.

Oh Cup my heart breaks for you and all the mums who have lost their precious children.

I want to ask you to take a bit of time for yourself, Cup. I haven't lost a child, but my sister lost her baby daughter and my best friend lost her teenage daughter in an accident. They both needed time, just to be themselves for a while, time to cry and sleep and just get through each day. So please don't put added pressure on yourself to return to work.

It may take many months to return and that is fine, your school will understand. Tell your lovely Gp that you don't feel ready yet and you need a month or so.xx

When Beatrice and I went out in the car together I would always put the radio on and sing along, as she always liked music and appeared to enjoy my singing Anyway, whenever I switched off the engine and the radio fell silent I would wait...to hear her take a big breath, then I'd say, 'We're here, Beatrice! Mummy will come and get you out now.'

Now whenever I turn off the engine, I wait. But there's nothing there. No big breath. No reason to say we've arrived.

I miss her so much. Every little thing about her and it just won't go away. Nearly midnight and I'm crying in the dark. Before I know it I'll have to get up and plaster the smile on for the world. Why did she go so soon?

Oh cup it is so unfair. You don't have to plaster on a smile. Just do the tasks you have to and give yourself time every day to curl into a ball and grieve.

Sending love and a hand to hold in the dark. You are so brave, but it is good to make space and time to take that mask off, they are exhausting to wear. xx