'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

[cupofteaplease]

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

Cup - please don't torment yourself about what happened in Beatrice's last night. If it might help you could ask the HDU sister or charge nurse to go over Bea's notes with you but fwiw I don't think the dose in the night made any difference. Bea was really struggling with her respiratory function and she died because of respiratory failure. Nothing on earth could have helped that. She died in the arms of the people who loved her best and fought for her every second of her life. You did everything you could. You didn't fail your girl.

And cup, having had a child who also died of respiratory failure and spent her last 12 days in ICU, do not underestimate how exhausted you were. You have to sleep! People have to sleep at one point.

Cup you had to sleep to function, please don't beat yourself up over that.

I hope that tonight brings you the peace and calm you so desperately need . No one could have done more for your precious girl.

All of the flowers we were given after Beatrice died had wilted. I threw them out this morning and that just feels like another 'end'.

I rang the surgery yesterday to get an appointment but they could only give me one with a locum next Monday. I asked for one sooner with the GP who drove Beatrice to A&E that time (remember that, when she stopped breathing and the ambulance never came, the GP was crying in panic and drove us to A&E herself?!), she was also the GP who rang after Beatrice died to pass on the condolences of the practice. She also said, 'If you ever need to talk, just ring...' Anyway, the receptionist said there was no way I could see her as she has a full clinic today. So I explained that my dd had died and GP said I could call anytime, and the receptionist did a very over-dramatic sigh and said there's nothing she can do. I wanted to drive down there and shake her. I know she was only doing her job, but it took a lot of guts to call the surgery and she was so obstructive Anyway, she said she'd put a note on the GP's desk, that's all she could do, and of course, I haven't heard anything.

I can ring from 10am and be offered a telephone consultation with a locum today, but I don't feel I can talk about this over the phone. So now of course I am panicking that I will just have to go into work tomorrow after all, and what if I can't do it... Why is it all so difficult?

Oh cup it is all so hard and raw. What an idiot receptionist. I think it might be worth talking with the locum; just tell him that it is only a couple of weeks since you lost your precious girl and you are not ready to go back to work. You have been so strong- not just since Bea's passing, but in all the days since she was born. You lovingly put Bea's needs and your family's needs first. Now your body is telling you to rest and look after yourself.

It will be fine. The GP will see that you have rung and she will call you.

If she doesn't ring the locum as you need signing off and it is a means to an end.

I'm sorry she was such a bitch :( Would you like one of us to ring the surgery for you? I am sure the GP would be very pissed off to hear you have been treat like this :(

I think you should ring the Head, explain that you need a more gradual return to work, shorter hours there and no 'big' things like whole year assemblies... it is too much my love.

GP called and I've been signed off for a week. She'll call again next Wednesday and we'll discuss a return to work on reduced duties. I feel I can relax now and just sleep.

Oh that's a good start, I'm sure she'll do what's right for you. Try to get some sleep x

Now go and sleep.

Glad that is sorted. Your GP sounds very nice indeed. Her receptionist... not so much.

Hope you get some rest and sleep xx

I'm glad that's something sorted anyway. You have a year's worth of stress and exhaustion to unravel, it's not surprising you are wrung out. There are so many "what if's and maybe's" and I don't think there's anything wrong at all with you going over things and wondering whether you could have done anything differently, just try not to beat yourself up about any of it. You and your family did the very best for your darling girl and some day you will be able to be proud of it all, but right now you need to put yourself first and do what your body says it wants to do. Sleep is good, eating, resting and looking after yourself is good and don't feel guilty about anything.

You are all in our thoughts every day, wishing you some proper sleep tonight.

Oh Cup, as others have said do not torment yourself with "ifs and buts", you did your absolute best (and what an exemplary best) for Beatrice every second of her life. It is, unfortunately, human nature to look to blame yourself but you did nothing wrong and have always amazed me with your totally dedication to her care. Bea thrived for so long because of you. I was away when you posted your video and couldn't see it but since coming back home I have watched it and was astounded by how much she had grown and that was down to you. It's heartbreaking that she had to leave but my god you made the most of every second and never has a child known such absolute love. Please don't think you shouldn't of slept, of course you should, you couldn't prevent what happened and that just sucks but it was no one faults, especially not yours

On a separate note, and I speak as a teacher, of course you shouldn't be in work, wading through planning or taking assembly. I sincerely doubt any of your colleagues are even expecting you to be there. Take all the time you need, sleep, rest, treat yourself. You have had 14 months of unrelenting stress and pressure, no one expects you to go straight back to work. Do a phased return but don't be pressured but your inner teacher voice, your class won't collapse without you and yes whilst it's true you do it one way and cover will do it differently, does it really matter?

As ever, you remain in my thoughts and prayers x

Go to sleep and rest. It is what your body and mind need.

Cups, my heart breaks for you truly it does, and I admit I have no clue how you feel right now, but please please do not beat yourself up over going to sleep, from everything I have read here you did everything possible for Beatrice, I understand there is a massive void no one can ever fill and that it is early days, I do know the pain will never go away, but I also know you have two other beautiful children who will help you heal, and as dark as it seems now there will be light again.
A star is a beautiful idea, it sounds as though you have good people around you.
God bless

I'd second sleep when you can, rest. And eat when you feel able to.

You will have to feel your own way through the nightmare that is bereavement . But you will do it; I know you will.

Much love x.

cup I have nothing wise or helpful to say but I'm still thinking of you and your precious Bea. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.

Thinking of you, my lovely. If there's anything I can do, you know where I am x

I've just realised, she never cut a tooth

Thank goodness for lovely GP. Hope she has a word to the snitty receptionist as well but at least you have some respite from the stress of work.

Cup - just remember that you did the best fort Bea at all times. Always. She did amazingly well under your care and always knew you were her strongest champion. You did everything you could to give her as long and happy a life as you could - you couldn't have done more than you did.

cup, you are not alone. That is all I can offer you, and so many others on here who have lost their children (thank you, Everlong, I say Oliver's name when I light Aillidh's candle, and Bea's, too, cup).

I wish I could give her back, I wish I could give them all back to us. I'll never understand it, why our children were taken from us.

But I can't. I'm so sorry you were bereaved of Bea.

Please, please, take time to grieve. Even if it's just in trickles, it's very hard to do, because it means letting them go again.

Here for you anytime.

It's early days for us both.

((())))

Somewhere in the dark please know that I am thinking of you and all of the children who have left heartbroken families to mourn them .