For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

^^Yes, I can identify with that pain. In real life, it's not something I feel I can share. Fortysomething woman orphaned - hold the front page - No. We're supposed to get on with it. My mum died very suddenly in her mid-50s some years ago, and I often still wonder what she's doing, being dead. That wasn't meant to happen to my mum. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness this spring, and died a few weeks later. We had time to prepare for that, and make the arrangements he wanted, but in some respects it seems that being strong for him and the rest of the family has made it harder for me to grieve properly.

Consequently, it's assumed I'm dealing with it better than I am, which is to say not at all. I have siblings, but I live away from our home town, and now I don't know where I'm supposed to go back to. I feel myself drifting away from friends as well as the rest of the family, and I don't know how to stop myself being marooned altogether.

i too was extremely anxious about mums funeral and didnt think i would get through it,yes i cried the whole time through it and stayed by mums coffin until the last person had left the church.This is what i had asked to be able to do.But once we got to mums wake the tension seemed to ease a bit and was much easier than i thought it would be.I am feeling it more and more now the months have passed.I cannot believe i havent seen my mum for nearly a year.It all seems like only last week to me.I often wonder " where is she ?" can she see me and things like that.All of us siblings [ apart from sister in another town ] are planning to go to a show on the day after mums anniversary.We thought it would give us something to look forward to after the horrible previous day which is looming.Why is my brain constantly going over and over the whole thing.This is what is driving me crazy.I just cannot bear the though that mum would be sad .alone and scared although the hospital did say she died very quickly.But it dosent help me at all im afraid.The sac around her heart ruptured,and it was because of the blood thinnner they gave her.The blood then filled up the sac quicker than her heart could pump it back out.

Yes I agree organising a funeral is a surreal experience. I think you can only do what feels right to you, what is the best way to commemorate your parent. Mum actually left us hints for hymns etc (in a notebook I had given her when her hospital stays were getting her down) so it was great to include all that she had wanted although the practicalities were difficult. She wanted her funeral to be conducted in her old church and by her old minister over an hour away from her new home! We managed nearly all of it which gives me some peace tbh.

It's the days/weeks/months after which seem interminable. I can't believe she has gone, every morning after drop off I go to ring her and of course I can't I too wonder if she can see us. Dd took part in her first sports event representing the school yesterday - Mum would have been so so proud as neither my sister or I are sporty at all!

Her birthday is in November which I'm dreading. We'll need to spend it with dad but what do we do other than cry???

Sorry - all me me me there - it all pours out on this thread, as I don't seem to have others to share it with...

I am reading and thinking deeply about all of you - it seems that our emotions and expereinces are very similar, so sharing is definitely helpful xxx

Just feel so sad today. Back to work for the first time and feel drained tonight. Everyone is so kind . I feel like the initial kicked in the guts shock has gone and now I just feel sad.

GalaxyMum,my Mum died in August too.

It's that thing of always knowing i came first with her and much as i love DP and he me,it was totally unconditional with Mum,and i can't ring her up when i want and she doesn't ring me anymore.

And i think about her saved number on my phone and it's crazy to think i'll never ring it again.

And i don't want Christmas because i can't buy Mum cards and Grandma cards and i never will again and i caught myself looking at toiletries in Boots for her and a calendar on the market,things i got for her every year.

I understand how you are all feeling and I'm sorry

xx

Echo - i so understand that looking at things for Christmas gifts - i was looking at toiletries in M&S and suddenly realised that I won't be buying them this year and the whole thing becomes overwhelming again. Mum died in July and I have hardly had time to draw breath - just feel i am delaying accepting the reality of the new world I now inhabit, where everything is so familiar and yet so changed.

I feel really alone just now, I wish I had some family near me I was close to, really feel like me and dh are true orphans now. The only members of our family who cared about our kids were the gp's, my mum especially. They are all now dead and all we have are our siblings, who are distant, uncaring and uninvolved with our kids. And our kids are great,, they are really nice but they have no one except me and dh who cares about them, its pitiful.

I hate it, theres no one there for us at all

EchoBitch you can give your mum a card,either by taking one to the cemetery or putting one by a special photo of her.I have mentioned somewhere on the thread that last xmas i got one from clintons which was especially for mums no longer with us.It was laminate so didnt get ruined in the rain as well.
ssd If i lived where you do i would invite you round for a cuppa! then we could sit and cheer each other up.Or just be miserable if we wanted to.I am sorry there seems to no-one in real life for you,but to be honest i dont talk to real people much about it because i can see that they dont like me going on about it,so i say nothing.
For everyone who will be spending their first xmas without their parent and are dreading it,i was in your situation last year,mum had died 7 weeks before.I really was terrified about it,but i have to say it was not as bad as i expected it to be.So i hope this will make you dread it just a little bit less.

thanks mummylin, I'd enjoy that cuppa! Thinking about it, I do have dh to talk to (though he just nods...) and I've been trying to see friends more to get me a bit out of myself IYKWIM. But you know how it is, people are busy/have their own real life problems and sometimes I spend a bit too much time alone with my thoughts. What I miss is the lack of family around us, dh's parents are dead and his siblings have never been interested in us, they are a bit wierd to be honest, and my siblings seem to be getting on with their busy lives and arent grieving over mum at all. This isnt my imagination, they have both told me how once they got home (straight after the funeral) they went back to being busy with their lives and families and dont really think about mum.....I'm going to bed reading how to cope with bereavement books and they have been on holiday and talking about all the parties they are going to at Xmas........further up this thread, I think it was this thread, I wrote about how I have accepted their atitude as normal for them, but to be honest it really floors me and makes me feel even more alone than I do already. I feel totally like a single child who's lost their parents and not as a younger sister who has older siblings and we have all lost our mum. I wish I could stop thinking about them as siblings, it just hurts that they have never been there for me, bit when mum was here and now she's gone. I need to move away from thinking they might give me some support, this is whats causing me to feel so lonely. If it was just me in the family now I'd feel alone but not look to anyone, but having older siblings there who arent there IYSWIM makes it a hundred times worse. I dont know if anyone here has experienced this at all? It adds to the grief I feel and makes me feel desperate.

That is so hard ssd, remind yourself that you had such a wonderful relationship with your Mum and they have really missed out. In the long term I hope this gives you comfort, you were always there which is why it hurts so much. I wish I could meet for a cuppa too - it definitely would help to talk to someone who is on my wavelength!

Here is a virtual for everyone on this thread!

thanks maybe x

Hi. I am grieving both of my parents still. Dad died many years ago but I was coping well. Pain eased over years and of course I still had my wonderful mum. However, mum passed away 18 months ago and this has been tough. Her loss and the pregnancy/ birth of my latest dd seems to have made loss of dad come back to bite me.
Mother's Day and Father's Day were both especially tough this year. I even found myself in tears on a bus when I heard a couple talk about getting money out to treat grandchildren. At the time I was pregnant and couldn't help feeling sad that the baby inside me would only have 1 nanny.
Now dd is here I also feel so lonely. I used to ring my mum everyday and I so miss these calls. Do have friends and other family but it just isn't the same.
Sending condolences to all. Bereavement is rubbish.

Hi everyone. Ssd I feel for you and know what you are going through. I lost my mum suddenly to a stroke 6mths ago and it's pretty raw still from time to time. It has got a little easier as times gone on. Virtual hug for you and everyone on this thread.

I also miss the chats and the little things that meant so much to me and her. Some days I feel empty still, and very hard to even think of Christmas let alone look at presents :-/ but I'm trying to think different as I know it will make her sad to see us sad for Christmas and not enjoy it, I want her to look down and smile at us. But it kills knowing she isn't here for it. :-(

I went to see the councillor yesterday at cruse bereavement I actually
thought I was ok but do u know what I don't think I am totally. I
relly released how I felt, there were bits
I e the hospital and the last moments, funeral etc. I have held a lot
in as being there for my dad and my brother and all the crap between
them they said I've got to concentrate on me more. And put a big
distance between me and my brother. My brothers selfishness is unbeliable and in his grief moments hes been very nasty and cold. He doesnt talk about my mum too which i find difficult so my dad off loads on me more.
She said my grief is still raw
with the whole missing her It really was a good idea to have the
session, I'm going to have another 2!

Thinking of you all x

It is one of the most painful things i have ever gone through,despite losing a 26yr old sister.I thought that was bad but losing my lovely mum seems to be even worse.Maybe the pain of my sister has gone now as its its 22yrs on.I am feeling more down as it gets nearer to the day of the 1st anniversary of my mums loss.I seem to have such an unsettled feeling inside me.I said this to my dh but he dosent understand how sad i still am about it all.The thought of so many years ahead without her are so painful to think about at the moment.I guess its the same for everyone on this thread,not just me.people say you are not dealt more than you can cope with.I wonder if this is true ?

Hi all, just found this thread, deepest condolences too you all x

I lost my Dad in August, I am still coming to terms with it.

It's not very straight forward, as he left us (me, my DM and younger DB) when I was young - for another Family. He kept in touch at first, but would disappear from our lives on and off. But for the last five years, we had a fantastic relationship, we became very close and a fantastic grandad to my DCs.

I feel, that because we were only reconciled for the last few years, my grief is a little invalid in everyone else's eyes.

I was left our of the funeral arrangements, and went there feeling I wasnt very welcome and his step children read letters and spoke at the service, but I wasn't invited too.

I miss him so much! Now my poor DCs are without a grandad and there so little this time last year, we spent so much time together, bonfire night and Christmas, I wish I'd spent even more time with him, five years just wasn't enough!

I didn't cry that much at first, but since the funeral, I can't stop. But can't talk about it with anyone.

I am so sorry for everyone's loss and the grief they are going through. I relate to most of what's been said - there are so many facets of grieving. I worry that I am suffering with a bit of depression since losing dad in april (mum died 6 years ago). Life just doesn't hold as much joy for me, I find it hard to look forward to things and just keep dwelling on my loss and my own mortality and worrying about being here for my kids (especially as there is hardly any other family left). I know I have so much to be thankful for and just want to snap out of this half life that I seem to be living at the moment.

I have seen a couple of references to cruse bereavement counselling and am wondering whether to give it a try.

Sounds a bit self pitying I know but just needed to get it off my chest.

Shallweshop - I really would recommend CRUSE they were brilliant, I didn't have to skirt round my dads feelings, my brothers, my children's anyone's, it was me on my own with these strangers who were really lovely understanding. It really helped me to release a lot, things which I obviously still bothered me and I didn't realise things I'd shut out.

Mummylin, it must be so hard for you with the anniversary coming up, thinking of you through these hard days/ months. Here if you need a chat, or even message me anytime. It is very hard, I went to my mum and dads today and my dad wanted to go through stuff of hers and we found receipts and things she wrote out, me and my dad had some tears together. I feel her close to me after which I take comfort from xx

I sympathise and agree with everyone here

I'm wondering if I should try cruse counselling too, like many of you here I'm finding dealing with the lack of empathy from my siblings hard to take, its clouding how I'm dealing with my grief, I'm just so angry at their lack of feelings towards mum. One of them invited us for xmas, but knowing they'll be happy and cheerful at xmas almost crucifies me, I know I'll be feeling totally down and they'll be drinking champagne and loving it. The lack of someone to share my loss of mum is a killer. I guess this might be something they'd address in counselling, I've seen here and felt the death of your mum or dad affects you in so many ways, I guess that must be relevant in counselling. I dont think its self pitying shallweshop, I think we're just being realistic.
Onadietcolabreak, that sounds very hard to deal with, you have my sympathy too.

bereavement is rubbish, its so true

My Dad passed away on Christmas Day 2010, I was ill myself at the time and so wasn't able to go to his funeral, in fact I didn't even know he had passed away until weeks after the funeral. I feel like he is here with me every day and I am still waiting for it to kick in that I will never see him again.

eachpeach, I feel like that too... when my dad died I was absolutely heartbroken, I couldnt talk about him or even say the word "dad" for ages, I was just in peices.
but since my mum has died, I totally feel like I'm living in a parrallel universe, like the world is now turning in the opposite direction. everything else inside the world is the same, the kids and dh, our jobs/schools etc etc, but the universe itself has shifted and it'll never go back to how it was, it'll never turn in the other direction again, it'll turn this opposite way for the rest of my life.

her loss feels so total its unbelievable

ladykookoo, how sad, Christmas day, I'm so so sorry

Onadietcolabreak - so sorry your going through this, my sympathies are with you.

Is there anything of his you can put out on a shelf or maybe plant a rose bush or shrub in e garden in memory of him, or a plant in doors, or a special song he loved. Or I also light a candle for my mum and it makes me feel closer to her.

Sending your a virtual hug, this is such a hard time for you but to go through what you went through was awful with the way people treated you. My brother is and has been awful to me, there Is a big distance between us now. X

Ladykookoo-so sorry to hear this, poor you. Must be so hard over christmas but Christmas day is awful. I lost my grandad over Christmas eve.

Take care and thoughts are with you with the time ahead x

Ssd I have the same here with my brother and his wife!! You be how you want to be, tey have to get used to me talking about my mum in a spiritual sense as to me that helps me to feel closer to her. I know this is each to their own though. But it's the whole not talking about her or cutting me down if I say something. It's easier for me not to be around him for me.