For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

t875, thanks, think I will contact cruse. It's nice to hear that going through your mums things made you feel close to her - that's something my sister and I need to tackle soon.

Ssd - I understand the whole shifted universe thing - things are the same but the world is totally changed.

Mummylin - thinking of you and will be here to support you through this hard time. X

Its so good we have this thread to come to, I feel like its like a refuge for us lonely souls who miss our mums or dads, or both, and can't keep explaining it in real life to people who look at us blankly or worse with sympathy but no understanding.

I feel we all understand each other and theres no need to explain what we mean or why we're saying what we're saying, which is so important, as people even in our own family can't understand our grief and how it's affected us. After never believing in anything spiritual or heaven or anything (complete atheist), I now find myself believing mum has gone onto another world very close to this one, the other side as spiritualists call it. I sometimes feel she's close to me, almost with me and I can talk to her and hear what she replies. Although when I'm feeling sceptical and don't feel she near me or she's just gone completely I feel very lonely and lost and I'm feeling that more and more. I've bought a couple of books about mediums and a lot of what I'm reading makes sense, but although I feel I've had signs from mum, I wish I had something concrete to hold onto, especially in the really dark times I feel I've totally lost her and I just want to be with her. I know, like shallweshop, that I should let go and be grateful for what I do have, but I find it so hard to move on, some days when I'm busy I feel I'm coming to terms with it, but then other days when I'm alone it smacks me in the face again and I feel back to square one. Thats when I turn on the pc and log onto this thread, I feel I'm amongst kindred spirits.
Thanks mummylin again for starting this thread, you don't know how much you've helped me just by doing that. One of my "grief" books says sometimes in the run up to the anniversary of the death your body kind of start reliving the events and gets very tired and run down and its just a reaction to how your mind is feeling, does that make sense to you? My sympathy to you and everyone on here
x

Ssd - I totally know what you are saying with what you put, when my grief hits me it hits me so bad, i feel suffocated some days with the whole her not around, and not being able to talk to her. I am the same also with the spiritualism, i have been like this though before my mum as my friend is a medium, but unfortunately she is too close to my mum and it was upsetting her to do a reading. But she has told me that she is ok and happy. But i do take great comfort from receiving the messages and signs and also may sound crazy and i swear i don't need to be carted off to the funny farm, but apparently i read a few places, if you have a tingling or a warmth on a certain part of your body, mine is my right foot, it is apparently someone you have lost close to you.

Not sure how believable that it is, but it is strange how i keep getting it happen and has only happened since my mum passing.

I was sorting out a drawer in my room today, needed doing..and found a lovely bookmark which she gave me with a lovely verse, cried a river, but it was nice to have.

Thinking of you all x

hi t875, wow having a friend who is a medium. TBH before my mum died I took no notice of this stuff before, but now it consumes me.I'd love to talk to a medium, but I have no clue how to meet one. Thats interesting about the tingling thing, I've never heard of that before, but if it helps you then thats great.

think of you too xx

Hi Ssd! I also found a lady from the paper and googled her she was very lovely too.

There is also the spiritualist church, if you want to message me more on the spiritual side ssd your more than welcome xx

t875, I'll message you tomorrow after work x

Hi. I haven't posted on this thread for a few days, but I check it every day and think of you all often.
ssd I am the same as you- complete atheist, and agree with what you said yesterday about not believing in heaven. This is something I struggle with, wondering where my mum is. I find it so hard to think that she isn't anywhere.
It's my birthday tomorrow, my first without my mum here and I don't want it. Then next week will be mums birthday
Hope everyones okay today xx

BiscuitandBaileys - The firsts especially birthdays are very hard, i remember mine was awful and when hers was around was hard. We let off a balloon with a message attached and had fish and chips as she loved that.

Thinking of you through this very hard time ahead. xx

I am struggling a lot more lately its been 6 months, going over the last days, the hospital, the funeral, it all seems to have hit me all over again.. the grief seems to be hard and missing her is harder right now! Cried a river to 'ill see you again' by west life, made me feel close to her and the words are fantastic but my god did i cry.

oh well, we move on and soldier on eh! xx

meant not move on..i find that hard to do, soldier on is more like it for me xx

I want to add biscuitandbaileys your birthday will be hard what drove me forward is knowing she would want me to be enjoying it being the type of person she was on earth. Maybe you could do something that you would have done together. x

Hello everyone.Hope you are all doing as well as can be.I am getting more anxious as the days are getting closer to "that" day.Its interestingwhat the book says about reliving everything ,that is exactly what i am doing day by day at the moment. I too cannot accept that my mum has gone and i will never see her again.Maybe with acceptance comes the healing.I dont know i havent reached that point yet.It all feels like its only in the last couple of weeks it has happened ,but of course it is now nearly a year.I am not feeling any better and i miss her terribly.In some ways i envy my siblings who all seemed to of got to a better place than me,but on the other hand it makes me feel angry that they have.I have felt at times that i wanted to be with her,but this is not something i would contemplate in the light of day.I just felt like it.which if you knew me in Rl i would be the last person you would think of to have these feelings.My family are all very loving people and i suppose i am glad they do not feel so bad now.But i do and wish they could all acknowledge that.This is all a bit garbled .today as im just typing things as they come into my head ! Compared to some of you i am very lucky in that i do have a close family.For some of you this must be even more trauma to add to your situation.I am so sorry for everyone on this thread.

Thanks t875 Soldier on is a good way of putting it. From what I have read on this thread it's something we all do to get through each day.
I know what you mean about reliving things. Most days I'm "okay" but on a bad day I go over and over things in my head and find it hard to think of anything else.
I think having a good old cry is sometimes a good thing, it's better to let it all out xx

I hope you manage to have a bearable day on your birthday BiscuitsandBaileys, I found it a difficult day but am glad to have one 'first' done and dusted. It's Mum's birthday next month and the dread is there...

I don't know what I believe re: if not Heaven than where? I was brought up a Christian and Mum's final days involved the minister coming, it was very very imprortant to her and a comfort to us TBH. But I have always struggled to believe there is anything there - I wish I did believe....

Hope everyone can find the strength to cope with their losses - I am thinking of you all xx

It's taken me nearly a month to get round to posting on this thread. It's part of the whole process of being able to even write that my mum has died. She died in August too.

"I went through the same as you in August - doing the Order of Service, choosing a coffin, flowers, getting clothes ready - all on my own. It was like this bad dream, I agree. I couldn't believe I was doing all these things and not even my DH could really help." Same here Galaxymum. I'd had months beforehand of my mum being critically ill, she survived intensive care once although we were told she wouldn't make it, but next time she dipped she wasn't strong enough to pull through. The worst thing is that I live in a different country and had to keep flying back at short notice - in the end I missed her dying by a matter of three hours, and will probably never forgive myself for that. Then there was an insane two week period of planning the funeral all by myself, and worst of all, clearing out the flat, throwing out rubbish, cancelling all the utilities, sorting out the banks, working out what I need to ship back to my house, what goes to charity, etc. At least it took my mind off things for a while. But now I'm back home, and every time the phone rings I have a second of thinking 'that will be my mum, haven't heard from her in a while' before it really hits home again. Even though we lived in different countries we phoned each other every day in the last year.

Christmas is going to be a real bugger. And her birthday is - was - shortly after Xmas, so there's a double whammy to get through.

biscuitsandbaileys, hope your birthday is okay, as much as it can be...my anniversary and birthday was just after mum dying, on my birthday the only post I got was her funeral bill..you couldn't make it up

hi Nullius, sorry you are here too

it can only get better folks x

Tonight i have been out for a pub dinner with my dh and one of my brothers.During the course of conversation i heard them talking about going to football next week.When i asked them when, it appears that my dh and two of my brothers are going to watch our town play on the evening of mums anniversary. I kept quiet but i am feeling so upset about it.I know that life goes on and that i cannot expect everything to stop for everyone else but i feel incredibly hurt,especially towards my dh because it means i will be sat here on my own on the very day i am dreading.

ssd that is awful, I'm sorry to hear that

nullius sorry for your loss. Nine months on I still think it will be my mum on the phone xx

mummylin you know we will all be here for you xx

Thank you t875
I don't understand people who seam to cope with grief by just being nasty, I have lost a lot of family in the last 3 years, and I always think its a time to cherish and give thanks for your love ones you have left, as you never know what life can bring.

Great ideas to remember him by, I will be planting a rose garden in his memory in spring, especially poignant, as the hose we have now, was given to us by him.

I'm also going to buy my DCs a potted Christmas tree for them to grow for there grandad. As he loved Xmas, we had a great time together last year - it was my DD 1st Xmas and my 1st as a single mum, but he came to the rescue, I think otherwise I would have been a total mess, and this year, I'm going to try to make it the Christmas he would have loved, I just hope I can hold it together in reality.

How awful mummylin I think some people really, just don't think. I'm sure everyone here will be here for a chat x

*house

mummylin-hugs to you, that must have been hard to hear was happening. Can you let them know how you feel? If it doesnt work out for it to be together then do something special with your family what your mum would have liked to do, little things. And maybe buy some flowers, thinking of you through this hard time and we are here for you xx

onadietcokebreak - That sounds a lovely idea with the rose plant and thats given me an idea on the potted christmas plant for the children, what a lovely idea. Let me know where you see one. x

ssd - poor you so sorry to hear this around your birthday time, x

biscuitandbaileys - Hope your birthday went as good as it could do, sending you thoughts and support. x

Nulliunin blurba - Sorry also to hear your news, thinking of you through this hard time, we are all here on this thread for eachother. I have been coming here for 6 mths and ive found it such a support and comfort. x

Maybeyoushoudldrive - It is very tough with the firsts and my mums birthday was very hard, but it went along nicely good as it could do, we played my mums favourite music and we all shared memories and fun things that made us laugh, felt she was around too which helped. x

Anyone who needs a hug im sending it, my thoughts are with you all xx

very sad song and you will cry a river, but the lyrics to west lifes 'ill see you again' is really lovely, i do cry a lot though when i listen to it.

Oh yes i will be taking flowers to the cemetery in the daytime for both mum and sister [ only 3 days apart] its just that i would of thought they could at least give up footi for one night.Yes i did remind them it is the anniversary but nothing more was said.As for those of you who want to get a rose bush ,i did post way down the thread that i have a rose bush bought for me by one of my brothers and it is called the same name as my mum.There is a lovely rose grower called David austen/ austin and you may find you can get a commerative rose with the same name as your parents too.The company is on the web.I also intend to put something in the memoriam column in our local paper [ you never know maybe she can read it ] !

roses here

I can't remember my dad but it will be 23years since he passed on Halloween. I still think about him and wonder what life would have been like with him. Though I was too little to remember him I still love him and have had the memories that should have been made snatched from me.

If it's any help to you biscuits (and anyone else approaching birthdays), last week was my Dad's 70th and 3 days later it was my birthday. In my head I'd built up Dad's birthday to be a huge deal so when it actually came round, it wasn't as bad as I'd convinced myself it would be. My birthday was then ok, mostly due to dh being a bloody star and letting me be a Princess for the day, then friends taking us out to a function and everyone there also making me feel like a Princess.

So my point is that we can build things up in our head so much that the reality is not nearly so bad as we have 'prepared' for.

But then I also found this about the weekend we went to say goodbye to my Dad, knowing that the next time we 'saw' him would be at the funeral. Now I feel lucky that we had that weekend as (WARNING - about to get very Jeremy Kyle) the following Sunday, dh's stepfather died unexpectedly.

Yes, my children lost 2/3 of their granddads (the 2 hands on ones at that) 4 days apart. May was a bit shit.

Oh arse, sorry, I've gone all waffle again.

Thanks for the rose link mummylin will be putting in an order

distressedmumHELP that's such a sad story, have your family talked about your Dad so you 'know' him in your thoughts? He wil always be your Dad whether you remember him or not - I never met my Grandfather but he was a hero in the War and I am so proud of him and hope I manage to make him proud of me

t875 you are amazing to have namechecked so many people - I am in awe! I do read everyone's posts, but I'm not always good at picking out the pertinent bits I must try harder!