For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

Two weeks ago everything was normal. Now everything just feel odd and wrong and complicated.

My mum died 4 years ago today - miss her and love her still so much.
My hideous drunken MIL just called to slur on that she "was sure she was dying" -as she is feeling under the weather - attention seeking = so insensitive

Strange day today. Dad's birthday is getting closer, we're into days now. I wore his coat today just so I could sniff the sleeves. Which isn't as barmy as it reads as it is a good waterproof coat that fits me and it was raining. But I don't wear it very often in case it gets dirty and I have to wash it. Which does sound barmy actually. I know in my calm moments that it just a day like any other, but he would have been 70 and it would have been a big deal. And we? I convinced myself he would make it because he could be a stubborn old git. But it is 5 months yesterday that he died. How can that be?

And again I'm sorry it's all me me me. I am reading through and my heart goes out to everyone who is posting on here, especially those who have lost both parents. I cannot imagine the sadness you must carry.

hobnobsaremyfave i think it is very hard to accept that none of our lives will ever be the same again now.Life can be changed in a second.We will all learn to have a different life but i have no idea when acceptance will set in.I am not at that point yet,i am still in total disbelief.Im sure our parents would not wish us to be so sad.but to be honest i cant see how we cant be.
mulranno what a very insensitive call to make to you ,especially on the anniversary of your mums death.But some people have to make everything about them.I hope you managed to get through the anniversary ok.
BadRoly the special days are amongst the worst arent they.You tend to think back and remember past birthdays etc.I have my mums raincoat,i can never wear it because its too big,but no way am i parting with it,i have even left a tissue in her pocket.When you have your dads coat on ,he is wrapping his arms around you, so carry on wearing it as it makes your dad feel close.

My heart goes out to everyone on here. It's one place I can quietly read and know there are people going through the same as me. I took in the donations to a local charity from my mum's funeral today. A centre for retired people which do courses for older people like IT and history and crafts. My mum love dit there. I felt really chuffed to hand it in and people talk about her. In "real" life, I feel as the only child I'm the only one going round in grief. It is taking me ages to clear her house - I couldn't face the kitchen as she loved baking and I just couldn't face the old baking stuff. My parents in law kindly did the cupboards for me.

I really feel for everyone on here - those like me who now have no parents, I feel kindred spirits around, those who cry those big sobbing tears - those of you struggling to face anniversaries and Christmas........I send you all big cyber hugs. I may not comment but I'm reading and feel your pain too.

It's silly things I miss. Mum was fairly 'old fashioned' but could be really silly and fun - so I find myself lapsing into saying/doing some of those things with my DD now. As she died longer ago, I find more things to laugh and joke about, and am glad that she's not suffering.

I miss sitting on the stairs in the family home, chatting to my Dad. Although he was old (81), he was so young at heart. He could swear like a trooper, loved a good old drink up, and was happy to gossip. It's his birthday soon. Hoping to catch up with my sis., go to the place his ashes (and mums) are, have a few silent words, and then go for a meal and a drink. They'd both have enjoyed that.

mummylin, I'm miles away, in Scotland

hugs to us all xx

hi, this is for all of you who have lost a parent

as I've wrote here, my mum died 5 weeks ago

my grief seems to be getting worse

I've given back the keys to her house to the council and cleared out her things to empty the flat

its just about all done and dusted

but I'm feeling worse by the day

one of my siblings asked me "are you feeling relieved the flat is cleared now" and I said no, it means I cant visit her anymore

but now I'm waking up really early and cant sleep properly, I'm exhausted and living in a fog of misery

everyone else has moved on and not talking about mum now and I am thinking of her constantly

I'm not surprised I feel like this as I know how close we were and how much a pat of my life mum was/is, but no one else feels like this and it makes me feel like theres something wrong with me

is it normal to feel your life has been blown apart and you can barely believe it when everyone else acts like nothing happened?

I feel I dont know whats normal anymore, I need something to cling to and theres nothing there, dh is moany as he's tired, the kids are whining cos they do, siblings well they are no use to anyone, mum isnt there now, friends all have their own thing going on, feel alone again

Oh I so know what you mean and you are at the worst time at the beginning ssd. At the beginning after I lost my mum I really could only get through minute by minute hour by hour. Now as times gone on 6 months - still not long though. But as times moved on I can go longer between the tough times but my word they still come. I've had birthdays my daughter starting senior school and she's not around and at times it kills.

I phoned CRUISE ( sp) a couple of times when I was really bad and thy helped a lot, I've actually got 1 session booked on Friday.
I Also took Bach flower remedy.

We are all different but I believe she is around spiritually and feel her close to me when I need her. I also have had signs of white feathers randomly showing up, and I have also had other signs.

cry when you need to cry, talk as much as you need to talk, wave you fist in the air too if it helps, it's helped me!

I have also tried to carry on things she loved with me and the girls and also my dad and I know she would be smiling at.

Thinking of all of you on this thread xx

Notgeoffvadar - I'm the same with my girls. I'm finding it really strange and I also do it on purpose that I say her sayings, and I might cover my roast with loads of ketup like she would have done, I'll put on qvc ( we loved watching that) I'd say " what do think of that mum" ah yeah I agree never in a month of Sundays eh! I find I say random things too which I think where did that come from! X

ssd you are not alone in how you feel .I too was the closest one to mum as i saw her most days as all the others were out at work.I too feel that everyone has moved on except me.At times i get really angry towards them and think "how can you be so normal and happy" I know we are all different,but why has no-one else taken flowers to the cemetery.yes they all want to know that its looking nice etc,but oh i dont know i just get upset by it,then i worry that mum would feel hurt that no-one goes there ,but no-one used to go to my sisters either ,only me and mum,and i had promised mum i would always look after my sisters when mum was no longer here,which i will do.I am upset right now as i have just broken a picture frame which has a lovely photo of mum in it,its the one we had on her coffin at the funeral.I have looked at every frame i have and dont have another that will be suitable.I cant believe ive done that.But i will replace it ASAP.

Hi mummy Lin! Hope your doing ok where you are along with everyone on this thread.

I had one of my friends say to me ( she is like a sister to me) said hope you and your dad are coping ok at the moment, which I thought was nice as my friends school mums or even friends I have known for ten years don't say anything to me about my mum. It's hard as t me she is still a massive person in my life and always will be. Some days I miss her like crazy today even I've had to think quickly of something else as it obliterates me big time :'-(

The worst at the moment is Christmas! I can't even think about it, let alone look at presents and stuff. I think I'll be doing all online, it rips me up whine walking round the shops and seeing stuff my mum would love or to be able to tell her abut. I still can't believe it some days :-(( I've decided I'll buy something for my mum what. We'd have brought her and give it to the girls, then she can see the enjoyment if them with it. X

oh mummylin, I'm sorry about your photo frame, I hope you find another one to replace it soon, and thanks for telling me how you feel, I feel just the same, its so hard to see everyone moving on when you feel stuck in you misery

t875, I know what you mean about feeling obliterated, I'm avoiding folk at the moment as everything makes me feel like that at the moment

thanks everyone for your kind messages, as much as I hate reading about other women as miserable as me it helps to know I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal, even if no one else feels it

I mean no one else close to me in rl...I know plenty of you here feel it

x

I feel the same as you ssd. This thread has helped me a lot from the moment I lost my mum.

I still avoid people now when I get a bad day!! sending you a cyber hug!

Chat with you anytime. We're all here for each other. X

Oh mummylin. Sorry to hear about the photo frame. I'm sure with her guidance when u look you will find a suitable one you like (hug) x

Morning! Sorry about your photoframe mummylin. Is tomorrow's plan to find a replacement?
I think the thing that annoyed me most was that everyone acknowledges dad's loss. Everyone asked me how he was coping and sent him cards... Even my bil and his family. They've not mentioned mum since she died and I wouldn't have known that they knew had I not seen the card they kindly sent dad. I just wanted to scream "hello! Just Incase anyone hadn't noticed, she wasn't just his wife but my mum too".

Because so few people acknowledged that i'd lost my mum I still feel that there's no rl space to deal with it. So I haven't. I've just carried on as normal. There didn't seem to be any option. But then I practiced my emotions for how to deal with her death since I was 15 when I realised she was very ill. Her life expectancy was 45 (i'd have been 19) but somehow she fought long enough to see me graduate, marry and meet both my children (although she and DS didn't over lap my much). but that was 22 years of figuring it out.

I was woefully unprepared for dealing with my dad's grief though.

I dreamt about mum last night. She was so real. It's lovely to know I haven't forgotten the sound of her voice, or her energy and the way she moved when she was younger.

hello everyone ,i have been out all day today doing various things.I went to crem this afternoon to take some fresh flowers and was very pleased to see that it now looks like a proper grave.The grass they only sowed about 3 to 4 weeks ago has grown and it looks so much nicer than just seeing the dirt there.I was talking to another couple there seeing to their parents grave and she told me that last august she went to get some water from the butt and whilst she was gone someone stole her handbag! how low can people get?
golemmings that is the very reason i refuse to speak to my neighbour.he has never even so much as mentioned mum dying ,even though when his wife went off and left him with two little children mum knitted for his daughter because he had no money to buy her a new cardigan.He has known my mum for about 26years and didnt even say,sorry to hear about your mum ,just nothing at all and i feel very angry about this.
You will all be pleased to know that today i have bought a lovely new frame !! i am happier about it now.I really felt awful that i had mums picture laid down yesterday instead of standing up !! I will put it in in a minute.But i just pooped on to see if you were all doing ok.First we have to emty a cupboard and dis-connect my washing machine which packed up on thursday as i have a new one coming in the morning .Anytime between 7am and noon !
Anyway now i have waffled on a bit,hope you all have an easier day tomorrow.x

I really struggle with people not mentioning my mum as it seems the world is rushing on and I still can't believe she isn't here - I knew that she was dying but don't want it to be true. I have been very hurt by my pil who have not mentioned her once even though they first met my parents 25 years ago. I guess at some point the acceptance will come but at the moment i feel so utterly sad that my mum and dad are both gone and that my beautiful boys don't have them here any more and that mum and dad are missing out on them.
Sorry - just feeling fed up and don't know how to say it to people on rl - they just see the me who is getting on and that's not the whole picture.

some people do not know what to say pearl girl. instead of trying they do not say anything at all incase they upset you, not realising that it feels like they are pretending she never existed.

people in real land forget, unless it has happened to them, that it is a big thing, and you have to get through a year of firsts... first christmas, birthday, anniversary etc.

can you make some memories for the boys? keep your parents alive in their memories. what did they like doing with her?

i find that i am getting on in real land, but liable to cry or get upset or not cope with trivial things. I was kept awake for 2 hours last night by a lost plimsol. it is just too much of a hassle to cope with at the moment.

sorry about the photo frame. these things are significant.

I posted earlier in another thread about my Mum and since then the tears have not been far from my eyes. As i said she has been dead 21 years but IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY SOMETIMES.MY LOVELY DAD TOO AND ONE OF MY MY BROTHERS ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO.sOMETIMES I FEEL OVERWHELMED WITH GRIEF EVEN YET. wHAT i WOULD DO FOR A CUDDLE FROM AnY OF THEM oh sorry about the capitals just looked up at keyboard

I lost my mum 3 days ago. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was with her when she collapsed and died, just me and my 4 month old daughter. Her grandchild and the light of her life since my dad passed away two years ago. It was so frightening when she died and i worry i could have done more to save her. I called for an ambulance and for help straight away but i still feel terribly guilty that i could have done more. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to believe she is gone and I am utterly heartbroken. Please someone tell me it will get better. I cannot bear this pain. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful mum.

At the moment we are waiting for the coroner to complete their work before we can get on and plan the funeral. I feel like life has been paused. It is so isolating and lonely. When my dad died he had been ill so as sad as the situation was we had time to prepare and when the time came we were busy with arrangements and looking after mum. Now though we are in a horrible limbo. This all feels like a sick dream.

Beachcombergirl - what a terrible shock for you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I had some time to prepare for my mum's death so I can't imagine what your experience must have been like. I can only think at least your mum was with two people so dear to her at that moment. Just make sure you get as much support as you can during these very painful early days - both practical and emotional support. This thread will be here. One day the shock and horror will fade and you will be able to think of your mum without this pain. I am thinking of you.

Beachcombergirl I am so sorry for your loss. Your mum died so quickly that you are shocked, and had no time to consider her passing, but remember that she had no warning, no dread, no fear and no pain, and inasmuch as that can ever be a 'good' death, she had one, close to two people she loved most in the world. Eventually you may come to take comfort from the manner of her passing.