For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

[Rolf]

Solo you're much nicer than I am! I hate seeing elderly couples holding hands. I really resent that my parents never got to that stage.



I spent the day at my Dad's house today. People from a charity shop came to pack up stuff. They'll do the rest next week. They were really nice about the bits and pieces that they are taking, and it helped to have the house full of people and purpose. And a very brave man came to clear out the 2 freezers and the fridge, which were full of ancient food and had been without power for months. It was horrendous. The poor man was sick in a bush. The smell is still there but hopefully it will go before Dad's neighbours throw up. I've never smelt anything like it.

[mummylin2495]

ssd you certainly are not alone,although i guess we all feel that we are at some point. rolf that was a horrible job for the man to do but its done now.This is all so very sad.Tonight in our local paper i have read that one of our old friends dad has died, they also are a very close family and i feel so sorry because i know what they will be going through.I must send a card .I really thought all the cards i had helped me a lot.Some had the most beautiful messages in that people had written.I have kept them all and put them in a photo album ,along with some pressed flowers from her funeral and newspaper cuttings etc.

[ssd]

thanks mummylin x

[mummylin2495]

I hope you are all having a better day than you did yesterday.Thats all we can strive for .We will all get through this tough time xx

[ssd]

thanks again

I am having a better day in that I've not yelled at dh and drove to mums empty flat to bawl my eyes out

I really need to try to move on but its so hard

hope you are all doing better xx

[TorianaTollywobbles]

Just found this thread. Dad died in July, very suddenly. Mum died 4 years ago so now without parents.

Had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that Dad wasn;t really dead, he had just been 'somewhere' and had come back again. It was strange because we had to tell him that we had got rid of all his stuff cos we thought he was dead.

It's probably because we have cleared as much as we can from his house and it is being sold.

It's just so odd having no parents. I feel so unlucky, friends all have healthy, parents who help them and look after their grandkids. I feel so cheated that this was taken away from me. DD was only 4 when mum died and I feel she has missed out so much on that relationship. My mum was the sort who doted on her grandchildren, looked after them was interested in them.

I do have lovely PILs but they live an hours drive away and have never been the sort of grandparents to offer to babysit or anything.

I tend to bottle up my feelings so is good to write some of this down to people who understand.

[TorianaTollywobbles]

Cried in a shop the other day after seeing the Christmas stuff and the mum and dad cards. Not looking forward to Christmas at all this year, first one without both. We are going out for Xmas lunch with PILs and thought this would be a good idea to do something different but now I'm not so sure. Feel like I will have to put a brave face on when I will probably just feel like crying.

[redwhiteandblueeyedsusan]

hello.

I lost my Dad suddenly , iin august.

I seem to be taking on caring role for my mum too. it feels like I have lost her and gained another person to look after as she is understandably not doing so well.

it was a bit hard in the playground today when other parents were talking about their dad.

toriana, oh dear. it will be a difficult christmas. it is not too late to change your plans.

[ssd]

its just horrible isnt it

[mummylin2495]

TorianaTollywobbles last xmas my mum had been gone about 7 weeks .I too dreaded it.But for the first time i did not cook dinner for the rest of the family,instead we were invited to my sons.My dd was there too.I have to say it was not as bad as i thought it would be,being surrounded by others who care about me helped so much.And as i did on my birthday i put up an old xmas card which said " to my daughter this helped me too.I could not bear not to see a card that said that.You will* get through it and yes you will have your sad moments.It is surprising where the extra strength comes from when we need it.
redwhiteandblueeyedsusan it is still very early days for you and your mum. I dare say your mum is very distressed and not her normal self at the moment.Sadly you are grieving too but now have the added worry of looking afer your mum.Do not neglect yourself.Make sure that you are listened to and comforted too.We are basically all in the same boat on this threa albeit so many different circumstances.We are all here here to support each other.
ssd how are you feeling today.I have recovered from my tears from yesterday.I made sure i was busy all day today.Dh did ask why i was so sad. He has to ask ????

[mummylin2495]

ssd you cannot force yourself to move on.It will just come with time that you will feel more settled. You have to allow yourself time to grieve properly.take care of yourself.

[TorianaTollywobbles]

Thank you mummylin. The problem is that I won't be with any of my family, only my PILs, BIL, SIL and her family. I think this is why I feel its going to be hard. We can't back out now either, as we have had to pay full amount now so will lose money. Anyway hopefully it won;t be too bad and spending Boxing Day with my sisters.

[mummylin2495]

I promise you it will be better than you can imagine.I also had my dil and her parents and sister and her dh there and it was fine.Im not saying i didnt feel sad,but they all helped me through it as im sure your pil will.I think it is better to be with people rather than just your own little family.It helps to distract things a bit.The worst time for me was new years eve and i refused to go out and sat at home on the phone to my sister crying my eyes out.It was awful.Dh went to a party at m ds's but i could not face it at all and really wanted to be by myself,which i was.i think i will probably be the same this year.Its because i always phoned my mum at midnight,then she would go to bed.She waited each year for her call.

[ssd]

I know you're right mummylin, but I feel I don't have any support in this, apart from dh, so if I can try to move on a bit in my mind it might help me. My mind is just continuously full of thinking about my mum anyway. I'm so jealous of everyone here who has extended family to help them out a bit, even just to give them company. I know theres feelings would be better shared with a close brother or sister who felt the same about losing mum and we could try to help each other through this a bit. Having a brother and sister so distant to how I feel makes me feel a 100 times worse. They both live far away and mum was never part of their daily lives like she was with me. Since the funeral I haven't spoken to them, in fact they have both been on holiday since...I drag myself out the door in the morning and cant do much else. My sister told me after the funeral I should now move on......I wish I didn't have them, they make me feel worse.

we have no PIL's either, they are dead too. We've just got no one apart from our little family. I'm so terrified of anything happening to one of them, I know I couldn't live through worse. than this

[BiscuitsandBaileys]

for you ssd It's such early days for you. It's 9 months today since I lost my mum and I still find it hard to believe, I can hardly remember the first few weeks. No-one should be telling you when it's time to move on, (not even sure that's possible) you do things in your own time x

[maybeyoushoulddrive]

Absolutely there is no magic switch when we all 'feel better', it's such a personal thing with so many factors. Take it easily ssd allow yourself to grieve without guilt.

I've read all your posts - I'm not good at going back and forward and working out who said what etc but you're all in my thoughts. It is such a comfort to know that I'm not alone in my feelings...

I too dread Christmas. Dad is hoping we'll all go to him but the thougt of spending Christmas in that house without Mum there is too much. I don't know what the answer is as we're spread far and wide around the country and my parents were pretty much in between us... So practically with Dad is easier but emotionally I think it will be a disaster!

New Year will also be hideous - I always ring at midnight too...

[BiscuitsandBaileys]

maybeyoushoulddrive Thats a tough one. It's hard going to dad's now knowing mums not there anymore, so I think it would be tough to spend Christmas there. Maybe in some ways it might be nice to all come together in their house.
I'm another one that always spoke to my parents at midnight new years eve. Last year was the first time in years that we were spending nye together, we all had tickets for an event. Instead dad spent the night in a chair next to mums hospital bed. Everyone persuaded me to go out and as Big Ben chimed at midnight I just sobbed, knowing my mum wouldn't be with us much longer

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

Spent yesterday making loads of phonecalls for my mum and still more to make. All of the bills were in my dads name. Feel drained today.

[mummylin2495]

Oh dear.This is such a sad thread really.We are all dealing with such terrible feelings of loss.I think on last new years eve it made me feel worse because then I would have to say mum died "last year" which made it seem so long ago.But as others have said,i think NYE has a special significance because several of us used to phone to wish a happy new year.Now we cant do that and its so painful.I have 19 days to go until the worst week of my life ,i say week because my mum died on Oct 30th and my sisters anniversary is Nov 2nd,so you see they are so close together. although not the same year.I dont think this miserable weather is helping much either ,everywhere is so dull and depressing.sending to you all.

[mummylin2495]

ssd We will help you as much as is possible.You are not so alone as you think.Its a shame things are so distant between you and your siblings ,but families can be quite strange at the best of time.
hobnobs yes doing all the things that have to be done are draining and in fact i cant even remember doing most of them.I dont know wether nature has helped to block them all out.But in a way i am glad i cant recall everything,it would be too awful.Its as though i have had a mental block on things all the bank stuff ,solicitors ,house etc and it just seems like i was not completely with it at the time.I just thank god for my younger brother who guided me through all the legal stuff, left to me it would all have gone wrong im sure.

[ssd]

thanks again. I'm handing in mums house keys to the council tonight, then thats really it all gone. Feel sick. Maybe its better she didnt own her house as it all had to be cleared in 4 weeks, gave me no time but had no choice. Last thing to do is sort her banking and pay her funeral. I got that bill on my birthday, a few days after her funeral, it was all I got in the post that day.......

really think I'm due a massive lottery win, my luck must be due for turning!! and if I do I'll throw all us sad daughters a big party somewhere hot!!

[mummylin2495]

ssd i do know how awful you must feel ,i fel terrible when we left mums house for the last time ,knowing i could no longer go in as it had new owners.We had the same problem as you when dh's dad died ,his keys also had to be handed in or the next months rent would of had to be paid.We were lucky with mum's in that we had our own time to do it in.Even so there were days when we would get there and decide we could not face it and go back home again.I really feel for you today as i have felt how you do.Keep your chin up.

[BiscuitsandBaileys]

It's a big rollover on tomorrows euromillions ssd

[ssd]

thanks so much for all the support I'm getting on here

I've handed in mums keys tonight with the council. I came out of there and cried, then cried in the car then went home and here I am.

I have to accept she's gone. I just don't know where. I'm driving around going "where did you go mum?", death is so so final isn't it.

I don't dread Christmas or new year, its the weekend I dread. That was when I always saw mum, every weekend for the last about 20 odd years, apart from the odd holiday. We were/are very close. I feel she's within me sometimes, at other times I feel totally alone. The thought of not being able to go to hers this weekend makes me feel very anxious. As I said, if I had a sister/brother/in law to visit it might not be such a big deal to me, but we've not got anyone and I hang out by myself enough. I've been trying to arrange something with a friend, but most of them are busy, its times like these you need a bit of family around you but its not there for me now. I need to just accept that. Dh and the kids are great, but they are all male and aren't blessed with a lot of sensitivity!!

Oh well.

I've got a feeling I'll be using this section a lot, especially this thread! I used to be on the elderly parents section all the time, now I'm not. I know this a natural progression, but it feels very unnatural just now

x

[mummylin2495]

Where do you live ssd.i dont mean your address which area.North ?south ? maybe one of us lives near.i am in Dorset. I am glad that tonight is out of the way for you at least.