For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

[mummylin2495]

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

I finished clearing out mums flat today and thats the last time I can go into her house, the keys need to go back to the council this week

she only died 4 weeks ago

its too soon, but the council gave me no choice

I too have lots of her things but handing in those keys this week is going to kill me

I have no one to share this with, siblings miles away, its just been me and mum for years

dh sounds a bit like yours mummylin, a nice guy but not overly sensitive at all, his mum died and he never cried

feel really low today, put some roses where we scattered her ashes, went alone, there's no one to go with, dh glued to tv watching football and wouldn't drag the kids anyway, way too much hassle for me

it does help so much being able to come on here and know you're understood, so thanks everyone for your support and company

xx

Dear All I last saw my father on 14th May 1967 when the ambulance men carried him out the house. He died of a chest infection on 21st May. I was 11 and I am now 56. In 2000, I returned from work one day in February and thought it odd that my mother had not put on the lights. I found her in her bedroom, cold to the touch . Yes your brain does go numb and you do exist in a dream like state, but what I would say to all of you who have posted and suffered a bereavement within the last few years, don't be scared of any of the emotions you feel, express them as not doing so could have an effect on you in later life and remember that although it IS seriously tough when you have lost a parent or parents, you will find your own way of coping . My three sisters and I , although none of us are perfect, are always there for each other. I hope this helps Clare

Thankyou ClareMarriott its good to hear from someone who is much further down the line from us.I too am luckier than most because i have my brothers around me aho all live local to me too.My sister lives quite a way from here and has her two little babies who have helped her such a lot.She has had no time to grieve really as only a few weeks after mum died they were born.
ssd i know exactly how you feel about the keys and i have a little confession to make.We were supposd to give all the keys to the estate agent who sold mums house,but i refused to let mums own key go.It is on a key ring along with a key to my house and i have kept it.I felt really funny about letting other people having mums personal key so i still have it and im keeping it !! there were three more that we did give back though. My dh has also lost his mum and dad,his dad he wasnt close to but like your dh,although he was sad the day his mum died and the day of the funeral ,he seemed to just accept it and get on with his life.But his is not a particulary close family and his siblings hardly see each other as they all now live in different towns.I dont know if this is anything to do with it.But my family is the exact opposite.But it does hurt when he is so offhand sometimes and he is also not the most tactful of people either and says something which i now consider out of place.I know that he thinks i should be fine now,but this is far from the case,but because i know how he thinks i dont often tell him how i am feeling as he dosent understand it one bit.But inside i am still heartbroken and still in total belief this has happened.I know that things do improve as we already lost my sister when she was 26,that too was an awful time ,but gradually it improved and i suppose this time will also get better , but at the moment its not and still feels like it was only yesterday.

Just a little self pity here...my Dad's sister died about 6 weeks ago and I posted about it when I found this out about a week ago (not a nice woman), but today, Dads surviving Brother has passed away and I do feel so very, very sad about it. He and Dad were such good friends and were very similar in many ways and different in others. It makes me cry to think that he has gone, but it makes me happy for my Dad to have his Brother in his company again; my Uncle missed my Dad so much and I will miss my favourite Uncle. :(

Thank you ClareMarriot. Does it get easier through time? I miss my Dad so much. He's been gone 3 years...it seems like yesterday, but is already 3 years.

hi solo, it does get easier over time, I seen that with my dad...but it took a long time

I know the hurt over losing my mum will get easier too, I cling to that

It is such a relief to know that there are others who feel the way I feel about losing my Mum. The outside world keeps on going, you are expected to just get on with it, but inside I'm empty and scared. Somehow losing a parent makes me feel so very young and needy again.

Clare thank you for sharing that it does get easier, when you're feeling such grief it's hard to believe that it can hurt any less.

Solo all the links with our parents feel very important, it must be hard to lose your Uncle too, but he will be with your Dad again as you say and one day we will see these loved ones again too.

Mummylin and ssd I wonder if men feel things and express them differently to women as my dh is very similar. He hasn't experienced losing a parent yet though, so maybe he just can't identify with how I'm feeling? It's very tough, he always looks baffled when something makes me cry again (I too have struggled to cope with the thought that Mum is missing her favourite programmes - we'd be straight on the phone after Strictly to disect it!)

Hope everyone is doing okay.

I'm feeling really teary today so I knew where to come.

Today is dd2's 9th birthday and it's days like this where my mum is missed the most. It's knowing she's not here to share the celebrations with us, but also I feel for her missing these days with us. She would have phoned dd before school to wish her a happy birthday, so it was a nice surprise that my dad kept up the tradition and rang her.
I looked at the photos from dd2's party yesterday and in so many of them there are orbs around both dd's and again in the photos taken this morning of her opening her presents. The rational part of me knows they are dust particles, but a tiny part of me wants to believe they are my mum, all around us still

ssd that sounds tough, especially so soon since losing your mum. Thinking of you.

Oh soloI am sorry to see the sad news about your uncle.Hopefully your dad and his brother have now been reunited.
maybeyoushoulddrive when one of my brothers and i arrived at the hospital shortly after mum had died ,my brother sobbed for his mummy.I think it does make you a bit insecure no matter that we are now adults with our own families.Your mum is always there through good and bad and somehow that makes you feel secure." mum will/ can sort it out " type of thing.I feel a bit abandoned ,which is ridiculous .mum didnt choose to leave us.
BiscuitsandBaileys If you think you saw orbs in your photos and it brings you comfort that your mum is around ,then take some comfort from that.Its nice that your dad phoned your DD to wish her a happy birthday.Must be very sad for him too.
Is everyone else the same as me and their first waking though every day is their lost parent ? I cannot get it out of my mind.

Thanks for your reply mummylin.
I forgot to say how your post about seeing your mum dancing in the street whilst you were on holiday made me smile. Happy memories for you.
Yes, usually my first thought of each day is my mum. But if it's not then I feel bad for not thinking about her soon enough. Then all through the day it's small things that get me thinking of her, a song, an advert, someone talking about going shopping with their mum, anything really.
You're right, it must be sad for my dad too. He's not well himself. It's so unfair how bad things happen to good people. My mum was 67 when she died and my dads not 70 yet. They didn't get to grow old together

I have tried to rationalise how young some people are when they die.I think my sister was young ,but she had 26 yrs ,then there in our cemetery are all the little babies and toddlers graves.some only hours old.So considering this it means my sister lived a long time .It dosent make it feel any better but i do often look at the little ones graves and think they had no life at all.Yes we all had a laugh when we caught our mum out.It did look very funny.We were just concerned because she was out on her own in a strange country,especially when she then went off wandering round the shops.This was about the 20th Oct.Mum died on the 30th

Thank you.

Biscuits I am a big believer in life after death, and orbs in my opinion are not just dust, but are spirits; so it is very possible that those orbs represent your lost loved ones, people that care about your Dd's. Take comfort in that :)

This thread has come just at the right time for me. I am finding it do hard at the moment. Its been two years (last week) hut feels like yesterday and I keep re-living the last few days over and over again.

Also I have had a massive argument with DH as I really don't think he Is very sympathetic. He tries but he is so busy he doesn't stop and think how I am feeling. I realise it's partly my fault so don't flame me. I know I expect too much and can't expect him to read my mind. I would do anything to have my dad back. I just want to hear his voice and have a hug.

huge sympathies to us all on this thread and well done to mummylin for starting it

its so good there is somewhere for us to come when no one else understands

I too start the day with "I've lost mum"

I can't believe it, it was a month yesterday, it feels like another lifetime away

ssd xx

Not sure if anyone else feels like this, but whenever I see families and the grandad is doting on his daughter/grandchildren I feel a pang in my heart that my dad isn't here. Also, just the other day I saw someone in the lift who reminded me so much of my dad. Same hairstyle etc. was a very strange feeling. I couldn't stop staring at the man.

crazy8 I feel that way, too. I read my DDs a story tonight that we hadn't read for ages, and it features grandparents, which I found very upsetting. My mum never got to meet my children, and Dad found things very difficult after she died. He did his best to be happy but he really struggled.

In the weeks after Dad died, I had terrible insomnia, and would stay up most o the night watching Life on Mars, which seemed to encapsulate all my deepest yearnings - to see my parents alive, healthy and happy, to be someone's child again. Not having them around feels as though my whole childhood has been erased.

I feel like that too, like half of my life has gone missing

I feel so lost and empty right now, its a horrible, desperate feeling

Am dreading this weekend, most people I know are gearing up to spend it with their families or going away somewhere nice

we've got no family near us now mum has gone and no money to go anywhere

it all just feels so sad and lonely

Very relieved to find so many of my emotions voiced here. I was talking to my sister - her in laws are pressuring her to pull herself together, she is having counselling but feels guilty she's feeling so terrible but thought she was a bit of a wimp... I'll let her know we're 'normal' to be feeling like this and hope she'll stop giving herself such a hard time

Thanks solo, just what I needed to hear

Feel like screaming today. Am sick of stupid questions. If one more person asks me " was it a shock?" I shall either tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck or the evil side of me might take over and reply "Not really given that I had a pillow over his face at the time"! I don't care how old/disabled etc he was he was my dad who would always be there.

Such a lot of unhappy people ! hobnobs i hate it when people trot out all the usual sayings too.The one i dislike is oh well she was a good age It makes no diference how old someone is.Grief isnt measured by someones age.
ssd you are still in the very early days and it is still so painful and new to you.Try and give yourself a little trea at home or something.Maybe get your other half to cook a meal for you or something.Seems like you could do with a bit of pampering.
crazy8 I am sorry that even now to you it all seems like last week.Its not looking good for me to feel any better next year then is it.Cause i feel like that and its nearly a year now.I dont think this weather is helping anyones mood much as its so depressing isnt it.
maybeyoushoulddrive thats terrible that your sister is being made to feel guilty.her in laws should leave her alone and give her a bit of understanding.As if she dosent feel bad enough without having pressure from others.Her Grief will fade when she is ready ,not when others think it should and in fact that goes for all of us.We cannot set a date a few weeks ahead and say thats when our grieving will stop.How insensative people can be.

I am pleased I found this thread. My dad died very suddenly last March. He was at a conference overseas from where we live. It wa hideous. Completely unexpected and its like my insides disappeared and all there was was a black hole inside of me. It took a while to get his body home as a post mortem had to be done and things like that, and by the time it was, we were advised not to look at him. So, even now, over a year on, I kind of don't believe it is true.

I got married in July. My DH lost his dad a long time ago, when he was only 17. Consequently, we had a very tiny wedding (just our mums and DCs and a couple of witnesses) as we didn't want a big celebration without our dads. DH still cries over his dad now, as, of course, do I. We can cry together though, which helps a lot. We know that had they ever met down here, they would have got on ever so well, and we draw comfort from the belief that they have met each other now and are really happy and proud that we met, and married.

The day after my wedding, we took my bouquet down to the harbour. I threw the flowers one by one into the sea and said a prayer, and a thank you, to my dad, with each one. I found it hard on his birthday, DH and I had a drink to my dad, and spent the day with our children.

I am dreading Christmas. Last year mum went away, but this year she wants Christmas at home. So we will all go round there, and I know it will be a really hard day. Christmas was all about my dad's AWFUL knitted jumpers, and terrible jokes, and him carving the turkey, and him being the BEST Grandpa to my lovely DCs and helping them work out how to use their new toys. And it was all about him falling asleep in the armchair after eating far too much food. Going to mum's with him not there, it will feel strange.

It takes so, so long to get over. My DH has said, despite losing his dad 15 years ago, it is not something you ever get over, it is something that you just get a little more used to.

Today, DH and I bought our first home together. I particularly miss my dad today. It is the kind of thing he would have been so proud of me for. I really wish that I could have called him up, and I wish he was coming round with my mum later to have a look. I am holding on to the fact that he does know, and that he is feeling very proud and very happy, with DHs dad as well.

I offer my deepest sympathies to everyone on this thread. Losing a parent is something that cannot be contemplated unless you have personally experienced it. I still feel cross when I see old people walking hand in hand. My dad didn't even get to retire! It is like, although I am less completely consumed, I still get overwhelmed from time to time.

I know I am further along the way than some of you - I am here though to say that it does become a little more bearable. I still need to have a really huge sob at least once a week though. I am fortunate that DH and I are able to talk so openly with each other, and that we have a very deep understanding of our situations. That makes things a little easier, as does actively doing things to remember my dad. Balloons on his birthday, my flowers into the sea. I have nearly saved up enough for a memorial plaqye to go on the wall of rest in the cemetery. I am hoping that this Christmas I will be able to go there and spend some quiet time.

Sorry for being so lengthy, it is reassuring to find that my own emotions are felt by others, and I hope that you are also able to take comfort in the fact that I have felt similar things to you.

Waves you say it all really...

My own Dad has been gone over 3 years now and it does get easier, but never goes away completely; not sure any of us would really want it to.

I have had a bit of a cry this afternoon, I think because my Uncles death is so recent. I've just posted a sympathy card off :( and I know how that card will affect his widow and children. It will be bitter sweet as I have acknowledged Du's passing, but that's because he's not here any longer iyswim? he was, like my Dad, such a gentleman.

A short while after I'd lost Dad, I saw a very elderly couple walking hand in hand and it moved me. I stopped and said how lovely it was and the man said to me that they were still in love 67 years after marrying :) I told them that my parents too, had always walked hand in hand. Again, bitter sweet.

Another thing too is that you do get used to your loved one passing and of course you never forget them, but on occasion you do find that it hits you when you least expect it. That's entirely normal too.

wavesandsmiles thanks for such a lovely post.Like you "solo" i have been in tears today.I had my longest time friend around today and she wanted to know if she could buy a plant for the cemetery on mums anniversary.This of course started me off and i just sobbed.probably did me good as i try not to let anyone see me in tears because they dont know how to react. I dont think its good to keep it all inside actually,i did this when my sister died but ten months on i paid the price and ended up off work and on anti depressants.I am fed up of everyone thinking i am the strong one,if they only knew the truth.

thanks wavesandsmiles

my phone was ringing when I got in today, I thought it was my mum

feel so so alone, thank god for this thread