"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

Morning girls xx

Mias - after our Matts accident our local paper ran the story for weeks....most nights his happy smiling school photo was on the front cover. Then there were tributes from his little friends at school and his teacher etc etc. My brother spent all his time going from shop to shop and taking those headline sheets out of the boxes - you know the ones that are outside the newsagents? He kept ripping them up or going into the shop and arguing with the owner!!

It was always a shock to see his cheeky face on the front of the papers....a shock, and a comfort, and a....oh I dont know - just bloody awful really.

Happy Birthday Tamsin - I hope you are blowing out your candle in a cake somewhere. Love you always; miss you forever.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice if a Snowdrop doesn 't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,

But every life that ever forms or even comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way for all eternity.

The little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone,

But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on,

And though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do,

Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.

(Author unknown)

Tamsin's Poem

It wasn?t supposed to be like this
Our first hello, being our final kiss
To never hear you cry or laugh
To wash your hair, or give you a bath

It was supposed to be all happiness and light
Instead we faced our darkest night
The demons that we had to slay
Inflicted wounds so deep they?ll always stay

Through you we have known intense sorrow and joy
Great Braveness & strength we?ve had to employ
So easy to have given in to despair and gloom
Tears of blood were wept from your mummy?s womb

We long to hear your cries at night
To see your face in bright sunlight
To hold your hand as you walk along
To beam with pride as you sing your first song

Instead our heavy hearts have been broken
our empty arms to you will always remain open
we long to never let you go
but goodnight now beautiful Tamsin Rainbow

(Sarah Scott)

Happy Birthday, Tamsin!

And also Happy Birthday to Flora, 3girlies' daughter.

Thread here

happy birthday Tamsinx

Happy birthday tamsin lovely poem

A quick hello again from me, I've been on a bit of a break but I've been thinking of you all (and spoken to some on FB), hope all are well. Sorry to see new faces but I'm glad you'll be here for support. I'll have a proper read through after the dcs are sleeping.

It'll be 2 years in December for us that Scarlett died, I can hardly believe it yet it still feels like yesterday.

Hope everyone is coping today xx

Happy birthday to Tamsin and Flora and love to you Tamisara and 3Girlies

Am not posting much at the moment as I just don't know what to say to others and for myself - am in a strange headspace at the moment. Am thinking of you all though xx

so i went to the nurse yesterday for blood tests, i told her about baby orchid dying, because she asked me if i had any children, she said he wasn't ment to be
ouch
i know shes trying to help but people never say that about adults do they, they where never ment to be.
yet somehow people think its ok to say that about babies, to the mothers

pretty shit to feel missunderstood all the time
its only 8 months on, and can already feel cecrtains peoples patience wearing
i wonder what it like years down the line

also dd who is kind and sensitive and very caring said today when shes a grown up shes going to have two babies, i asked her, don'y you fancy having one then[so i did prompt this really] and she replied no because its too quiet
i asked her if she finds it quiet at home with me and daddy and she said yes
especially when we are on the computers and at night when shes in bed

do feel guilty which is silly as its certainly not what i wanted to happen

white I've had that said to me too, it's not a good thing to say and after I'd thought about it really annoyed me. It's been almost 2 years since we lost Scarlett, she was stillborn at 37 weeks, and she was most definitely was meant to be. The only bit that wasn't meant to be was her death. I find most people don't mention her now but the support in the early days isn't there so more after a while. The main support I've had are from people that have also had a loss, mostly the wonderful people on here.

After F's accident, a parent at the school I was teaching in (& where F went) decided that the most supportive thing she could was to write an article for the local rag, highlighting our 'tragic' family (DS2 has a v complex, life-limiting heart condition). It was on the front page, complete with details of where our other boys went to school & lots of inaccurate, spurious detail. Nice, especially as I taught her children :( I complained vociferously to the Press Complaints Commission and managed to get some things changed before the next, county-wide edition, but they still put it on the front page. Bs. I didn't go out for a week & then made a fool of myself throwing papers on the floor in Tesco's. It wasn't news, it was pain, & prurience.

Happy Birthday Tamsin & Flora.

hi cheese and gherkins.
i don't think i've chatted to you on here before, i'm so sorry to here about scarlett, i love that name, i was going to use that if my ds was a girl.
i have a 5 year old dd who is lovely
i need to think of a good response incase anyone say sthat to me again
i definately think, alot of people think, babies that are still born or dies shortly after birth don't matter as much.

helyantha, oh that was mean of her, is she a journalist or something or did she just decide to do it?
i think people forget these are our actual lives

hi from cloudy Fuerteventura! Oh well, at least it's warmer than home! Wifi very unreliable so will keep it short. Just want to say Happy Birthday to Tamsin and Flora.

white a good friend said that to me in an attempt to be helpful. I said "If she wasn't meant to be, then why was she?" My friend didn't know what to say.

Helyantha, I want to deck your colleague on your behalf! How dare she!

I was just thinking about you on your holiday, chip. Hope you are all enjoying yourselves.

tami a beautiful poem, written with love for Tamsin. I always love your writing. Happy birthday, little rainbow.

3girlies thinking of Flora and your whole family on this special day. I hope it passed gently.

white what a truly horrible DHAC experience for you. I love chip's comeback. My immediate thought would be "Would you say that about your own child? If not, why would you say that about mine?"

helyantha how horrible for you. People really do not think, do they? She had absolutely no right!! I would have confronted her (in anger!!) so she knew the extent of her thoughtless, hurtful behaviour. I think your reaction in Tesco was totally understandable.

Helyantha that's awful! I'm not surprised you reacted like that in Tesco. I don't know what I'd have done.

white I've been off MN for a couple of months but have been posting here for years but using this thread since Scarlett died. I get that impression a lot too, that it doesn't matter as much. I'm lucky enough to have older dcs but also had a little girl who is now nearly 9 months old, the pregnancy was hard and problematic, resulting in her being induced at 34 weeks but she's here now and I feel blessed to have her.

chip hope you have a lovely holiday, good to see you

MiaAlexandrasmummy how have you been?

hi chip,that is bloody genius "If she wasn't meant to be, then why was she?"

i shall bank that one thanks

then if some dickhead carries on, i shall then use miasmummy response
"Would you say that about your own child? If not, why would you say that about mine?"

and if that does shut them up, perhaps i should deck them

chip how long are you there for?
i would love a holiday esp a sunny one

cheese im so glad you've gone onto have a rainbow baby.

i had hoped to have a rainbow baby too, but i had a mc in aug, part of the reason i'm having blood tests.
what older children do you have
how have they coped with the loss of scarlett?

She's definitely brought some sunshine back into our lives. I have a 10 year old dd, 9 year old ds and 5 year old ds too. My eldest found it really hard and cried a lot, she still gets upset now and she came to the funeral. The two younger ones didn't go to the funeral but have also been upset, in different ways. We spoke a lot and reassured them plus answered all the questions they had and still have. They talk about her still which is really nice and also "enjoy" (not the right word but hey) coming to visit her grave too and actually ask to.

They're all very protective of Ella now though and very affectionate.

I've had 6 miscarriages in total but they were between having my first DD and before Scarlett, so spread out a bit but did have 4 in a row which I had tests for.

oh its nice to hear about your family, they all sound lovely
my dd was quite effected by it all, i think she was worrying would she die, would i die, and she kept asking if ds would come back.
it has defiantley been tough on her
dd also enjoys as such! going to ds grave, she likes to help me do ds's flowers

did they find anything when they did the tests?
i'm being tested for diabtetes, lupus!, thyriod and clotting problems
i havent been tested yet for immune system problems

Cheese you were in a dream the other night, along with whatever & blue (sorry everyone else). Can't remember much, just woke up with memories of the three of you xx

Yesterday went unexpectedly well. My parents came with us to the cemetery, which made me happy, as it's the first time they've gone since her funeral. She had her new stones (painted rather crudely by me, I'm no artist, but wanted to do it for her), some more cuddly toys, and other ornaments.

My mum asked if I wanted a tissue, but I was fine. In fact I'm slightly worried that I'm not crying enough... I try to think about it emotionally. I can feel the tears in my throat, and keep swallowing them down - as if I'm sitting on a suitcase overflowing with clothes, and trying to shut down the lid. I don't want to confront how I feel (which is what made me so ill I think). I worry I don't care enough - I know I do, I'm just scared, scared of never stopping if I let go, never getting up again. It's easier to pretend I'm an actor in my own life. I guess that's a pretty weird reaction xx

tami I had dreams last night about our MN friends too. Somehow, not only were we all connected through our children, but we all seemed to have a common desire to purchase one particular brand of green and orange garden machinery!! Very bizarre. No idea what that was about...

I'm glad you felt yesterday passed gently for you and Tamsin. I don't think you should be worried about crying or not. It is exhausting, and draining, and you do need your energy reserves to look after DD1 and cope with everyday life. Tamsin is with you all the time, a part of you, so I do hope you can carve a little tami-Tamsin time to mourn and love her as you need to. You won't cave in if you do, you are too strong for that.

white you can still have that rainbow baby...

cheese I am now nearly 35 weeks pg, with my hospital bag packed (at last) through my mother's bribery insistence. A bit of a scare on Monday, which happily was nothing, but ELCS planned in early December. Feeling large and unwieldy but otherwise, quite energetic and normal Mia's inquest is still having some impact on us, as I have been asked to help with a new campaign group, Mothers' Instinct, which works for improved relations with parents and improved paediatric care by the NHS. We also met with the Woodlands Trust today about native woodland tree choices for Mia's Wood, and they were very receptive to our vision and ideas, and happy to give us advice. While MA and Mia's Wood will be part of my future, I have realised that these are the last few weeks pre-baby in which I can solely concentrate on Mia, and I am not sure how I feel about that.

chip are you going on the waterslides too?!

thanks mias mummy, but tbh, i've lost all hope and confidence now really
just don't think its going to happen for us

white when I had the tests after my miscarriages they didn't find anything but I suspect it was down to my pcos. With Scarlett my new hospital thought I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes as I had all the signs and was convinced something was wrong but they were useless. I changed hospitals to have dd3 and they were wonderful. I was tested for GD and started treatment at 13 weeks, I was on insulin from then on. Thankfully they picked it up

Tami I often have dreams about people here too, I often have very strange and bizarre dreams, very vivid ones usually. I don't think what you feel is wrong at all, it's good to let things out but everyone does that at their own pace. I spent the first 6 months crying, crying all the time, a lot at night and just not coping well at all, I think I hid it well though but alone I just broke down a lot. Things do feel better now than then, those early months I wouldn't want to have back again.

Miasmummy Thank you! How the time has flown by since her birth :) So glad your scare was nothing. I'll be thinking of you lots and I hope you're feeling as ok as you can be. December will come in no time at all. I've seen Mothers' instinct on FB.

Hello white - after losing F, I had a missed mmc, an ectopic & a mc, but still went on to have my beautiful DS4 (even though I'm an old gimmer :)) Shabs could tell you about late rainbow babies too ;) A new baby is not the answer (or possible) for all, but I didn't know what else to do, truth be told. It has been fantastic for the rest of the family, esp our older sons & I bless every day we have him x

Mias I think it gets harder as time goes on & as a new baby arrives to keep the focus on the one who is not here, but you will honour Mia & continue to include her in your everyday life - it's just different as time passes.

Halloween without her.

There'll be no more babies. DH had the snip a couple of years ago and I'm nearly 42.

well i'm back at the drs next week, sort of hopeing they find something wrong with me in a way, so i shall see what the results of these tests are