"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

I think I might ask if she'll see me on a private basis as I think it takes a while to build up the relationship and I can't be bothered to start again with someone else. I might try to pluck up the courage to go to a Sands meeting this month. I do feel very isolated at the moment and find myself not wanting to let on to friends just how down I am. It's pride I think. Such a silly emotion in the face of what we've been through but I can't seem to get past it.

Night all xx

i was thinking of trying the next sands meeting too, but scared it could make me feel worse.
suppose you dont know until you try

After we lost Allan (Xmas 2010), we found going to the SANDS group v.helpful. It sounds a bit weird maybe, but we found it helpful that everyone there had a lost a child, so we didn't have to put on a 'front' or have to worry about making someone else feel uncomfortable by talking about it - OTOH we never felt pressured to talk about it, if we didn't want to. The group also organised events we could go to, which we found helpful - planting snowdrops together, to remember our babies; getting together for coffee and lots of lovely cake; making a square for the quilt (no craft skills needed!) to remember DS. Somehow it helped.

We miss him.

Thinking about you Fi - thinking about you, your precious husband, Belle and X - forever and always in my thoughts xx

We haven't spoken to the ILs since then, believe me. It wasn't just that, either!

They just never allowed A's leukaemia to interfere with their routine and their lives. Never. Even teh weekend she was diagnosed - as I said, I could write you a book.

Went to see her today. There was a man crying over the grave of his son. I knew the name. Craig died age 20, leaving a young child behind, 11 years ago.

We feel so robbed.

matilda that sounds like a good arrangement if you can make it happen. But bereaved parent groups are very 'safe' places, or at least, that has been our experience. If you cry, it doesn't matter - everyone else knows what you are going through. The conversation you have can seem very bizarre to others not in our position though.

fioled I hope that X is having a wonderful birthday. You have put so much love and care into it all.

I am feeling physically sick. MrMia just mentioned in passing that there could be some horrible PM photos of Mia shown tomorrow. I will have to leave the room if that happens. I also know that I will hear things that will anger me, and it will be hard not to stand up and yell.

But bizarrely, I feel very close to Mia at the moment. As chip says about tidying up Sylvie-Rose's grave, this is indeed one thing we can do for Mia, this fight for the truth, while the rest of our life moves on.

I want to tell the world how wonderful she is. I want her back. I can't stand the thought she is not physically with us.

Oh Miasmummy big hugs for you. How unfair that you have to go through this on top of the pain of losing your lovely girl but I completely understand why it's so important that you do. You have been so strong and I know you will find the strength to get through tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and hoping and praying that you get best possible outcome for Mia. And I know Mia will be so proud of her mummy who fights so hard for her. xx

Hello,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I went to the Babyloss Forget-Me-Not service at Ipswich hospital today and i lit a candle for Jack and all our precious children.
The words below are a hymn that we sung...............
Fleetingly known

( to the tune of ? Morning has broken?.)

Fleetingly known, yet ever remembered

These are our children, now and always;

These whom we see not, we will forget not,

Morning and evening, all of our days.

Lives that touched our lives, tenderly, briefly

Now in the one light living always

Named in our hearts now, safe from all harm now

We will remember all of our days.

As we recall them, silently name them,

Open our hearts Lord, now and always

Grant to us grieving love for the living,

Strength for each other all of our days.

Safe in your peace Lord hold these our children;

Grace, light and laughter grant them each day

Cherish and hold them till we may name them

When to your glory we find a way.

I thought the words were beautiful..............
We were all given a rose and some f_m-n seeds. Mum took me to Jacks grave to leave the rose and she is going to plant the seeds in a pot for me............

'I want to tell the world how wonderful she is. I want her back. I can't stand the thought she is not physically with us. '

Me, too, Mia, me too! (((())))

lottie, we had that same sone at a church service in the summer, it was a sands memorial service.
i noticed that alot of the children attending got upset at that one
so lovely, i always think of that when i hear morning has broken
there was also a great poem

ask my mum how she is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
From now until the day she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say, ?I'm alright?.
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
?I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping?.
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
So If she lies to you don't listen,
hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
I'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, ?You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!?

miasmummy, best fo luck for tomorrow, i know you will be strong and see this through, i hope you will get the truth

lottie ive looked for that song on youtube and i cant find it anywhere

Miasmummy - when we had Matts inquest we were told that we were allowed to leave the room, at any time, if we wanted to. They showed some photo's but just to the coroner (or whatever the hell his title is) - it was nowhere near as bad as I anticipated. Was very difficult to listen to the man who had killed him though. The coroner asked him questions and he just said 'No comment' which he was legally allowed to. They should run through what will happen to you before the inquest starts - ask whatever questions you want to. xxx

me too................
I found this..........How very softly you tiptoed into my world Almost silently; Only a moment you stayed But what an imprint your footprints have left on my heart online the other day and it sums up Jack beautifully.............

No idea really what tomorrow is miasmummy, but will be thinking of you ((hugs)) xx

We had that hymn at our Sands memorial service, Lottie as well as some lovely readings;

Heaven's Baby Castle
^In a baby castle just beyond my eye
My baby plays with angel toys
that money cannot buy.

Who am I to wish her back
into a world of strife?

No, Play on my baby
You have eternal life.

At night when all is quiet
and sleep forsakes my eyes
I'll hear her tiny footsteps
come running to my side.

Her little hands caress me
so tenderly and sweet
I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes
and embrace her in my sleep.

Now I have a treasure
that rates above all others
I have known true glory
I am still her Mother.^

Calling Daddy From Heaven
^I'm calling you, Daddy, from Heaven
Because we are apart,
But the phone won't ring on earth today;
In heaven we call heart to heart.

I just want to say, "I love you,"
And I think of you each day.
I hear you say you love me
Each time you kneel to pray.

Sometimes I watch you working
At a job you do se well.
I tell all my friends in Heaven,
"That's my Daddy, and ain't he swell!"

I'm working on a project
To send you as a gift,
And when you finally see it,
Your spirits will really lift.

I'm painting lots of colors
All across the sky,
And after rain you'll see them
And know we never die.

I'll also paint some flowers
And send them down to you.
They'll look so fresh and pretty
In the early morning dew.

But best of all, I'll take some notes
Of all the things I love,
So you can read my journals
When you meet me here above.

Your name will cover pages
Of my moments to be shared;
You'll see how much you've meant to me
And how very much I cared.

Then, I'll have story time with Jesus
And he'll tell me stories of you.
I'll listen with a smile
Of all the things you do.

He'll tell me of your kindness
And the smile upon your face,
The way you make the world
A really nicer place.

Of all the things I ever do,
This will the best;
I'll ask the Lord to Bless you,
My very own request.

And tonight when you are resting
From the day you've spent so well,
I'll whisper in your ears
All I have to tell.

And as I hold you through the night,
This is what I'll say,
"I'm proud to call you Daddy
on this special Father's Day."^

If Tears Could Build A Stairway
^If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.^

Miasmummy (((hugs))) I don't blame you for one minute - of course you want the truth, but how absolutely harrowing it will be. You are an amazingly strong woman though, and no one could have done Mia prouder :)

I forgot to answer your question the other day - yes, I did get to the baby memorial service today. It wasn't at Stoke Mandeville, it was at Chesham, but when they read out the baby's names, there were lots of familiar ones from the cemetery.

We didn't have any poems as specific as the one White posted; the ones we had were more generic - 'They are gone' and 'I am standing on the seashore'.

Lots of Psalms, prayers & a couple of hymns.

I didn't cry until Amazing Grace - I love that song anyway, but somehow it touched me more today - it added more poignancy to the service.

I didn't take DD1. I wanted (as chip suggested) to have time just for Tamsin, and DD1 wouldn't have sat quietly. Others did take their children - quite a few babies - and it struck me that you just don't know who else has suffered a loss. There is no sign on your head. I used to look at others with babies, and imagine they had no idea what I was suffering; true a lot don't, but some will, and there is no way of telling just who they are. xxxxx

In fact having just read MrsY's post, it makes me realise just how non-specific the service was. Not focused on 'baby loss' (though it was a service specifically for that). Of course it was organised by our NHS trust, and not SANDS, so that may be why.

It was still a lovely service. Hearing your child's name called out, somehow validated was very special. After all, they will never have their name called out during registration at school, or even at a doctors appointment, so it was nice to hear. Also the lighting of the candles was nice. To see so many candles, flickering away... it was very moving.

Grr, it lost my second post.

Tami that's just how I felt at the Sands service - it was lovely to write, read and hear his name. One of the poems in the service booklet was 'The mention of his name' that talking about our children brings a tear to our eyes but a smile to our lips. I'm glad you went to the service and had some time for Tamsin.

matilda, I think that sounds like the best plan. It's important to have a safe place to talk and release your emotion. I hope that in time you are able to talk about D without being overtaken by your emotions. Do you have a friend you can open up to a bit? Someone who can be there at any time, rather than the alloted time you have with the counsellor?

mias, my heart is breaking for you, that after such a rollercoaster, you have to go through this. Make sure you don't push yourself further than you are comfortable. Will your or your dh be a witness? I will be thinking of you both, your parents and you gorgeous girl.

i may have already shared this with you, i can't remmeber, but we chose this poem for baby orchids funeral

When tomorrow starts without me and I am not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes are filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn?t cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn?t get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time you think of me and I?ll know you miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.
And said my place was ready in heaven above,
And that I?d have to leave all those I dearly love.
So when tomorrow starts with out me, don?t think we are far apart,
For every time you think of me, I?m right here I?m your heart.

That's so lovely too.

The bit in Calling You Daddy, really spoke to me, it reminded me of all you ladies, whose clever babies paint the sky -

I'm working on a project
To send you as a gift,
And when you finally see it,
Your spirits will really lift.

I'm painting lots of colors
All across the sky,
And after rain you'll see them
And know we never die.

SOMEBODY

Somebody said, ?It was all for the best.?
That somebody was probably wrong.
Somebody said, ?It was meant to be.?
Different verse, same miserable song.

Somebody said, ?You can have another,?
As if that would make it all right.
Somebody said, ?It wasn?t a real child.?
Somebody?s not very bright.

Somebody thinks it is helpful to say
When grieving should come to an end.
Somebody showed their true colors.
That ?somebody? isn?t a friend.

But somebody said, ?I?m sorry,?
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow,
And held my hand when I cried.

And somebody always listened,
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood, that I'll
Never be just the same.

You never said ?I?m leaving?,
You never said ?Goodbye?,
You were gone before I knew it,
And why, God only knew why.
A million times I?ve needed you,
A million times I?ve cried,
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still,
In my heart you hold a place,
That no child could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn?t go alone,
For part of me went with you,
The day God called you home.

i really like this one

The Cord
Author Unknown
We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised?. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

Mias It's my birthday tomorrow - my 7th without DS3 physically here :( He is still so present though in everything we do, so present in his brothers & in the whispers of the day. I shall be thinking of you tomorrow x

The poems are all lovely.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow, Helyantha. x