"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

Oh, chip! Aillidh's lair at St Conval's is one of so, so many. And last we went, there were 3 more nearby, readied for burial and several others fresh.

A Catholic cemetary, it's not so staid as others might be, IYKWIM, but kerb sets are small, they can't cover the entire lair.

That is what you buy, when you bury your loved one there. In Scotland it is known as a burial lair, and you get a deed for it.

'Not mad at all Expat - I dont go to my sons grave very often. They are 'next door' to my Grandma and Grandad. The minute I go in I can see the headstone and they are right on the back row. My parents have had the lettering redone and because it looks very, very white for the moment it is easy to spot. My Matt would have loved that - he loved being centre of attention As I get nearer my stomach turns over and I dread it. All feels so surreal but also very real IYKWIM? x Im glad you tidy up other graves - to me that is so important and so kind. xxx '

Some people can't, shabba. My friend 'B', their son, their eldest of three, died 15 years ago, age 18, and it's he who goes to the cemetary. His wife of 34 years she can't bear it. I can understand that, and that's why, if I see someone, oh I'm not going to call them a grave!, untidy I try to tidy them up. Her husband and two surviving children and grandchildren do it. But she cannot bear it. What if that person's someone couldn't get there? Well, dead flowers need chucking in the bin and blown over ornaments take an instant to right.

If a storm's been through, it's the West Coast of Scotland, it's bound to happen, well, can't leave Nana like that! I just say, 'Sorry, Nana, it's expat here, just going to give you a wee tidy, hope you're allright with that.'

Sometimes I'll say a word, total nutter who I am. 'Right, that's you all sorted, Chloe, I'll just leave you the now. God rest you,' and even pat the stone.

Glad I'm not completely insane. The kids just run about so long as they don't touch anyone's stone or things. Mostly they build mud castles and then we go a walk.

We feel the time is right to put up her stone. It doesn't look right, her not having one.

We want her to have a resin meerkat and a hedgehog and a hamster, she so wanted one!, and not have to keep having to rearrange her 'stuff' in advance of storms - she has two cuddlies, oh man, she LOVED cuddlies!, a heart-shaped stone Giraffe's found for her on the beach on her holiday, her cross with her Rosary round it, and her 'A Tear for My Daughter'. And her pumpkin. Will go remove it after Halloween but want to put up her Christmas wreath and then there will be other holidays.

Her sister wants her to have a stone, too, and her photo.

She's the only young one in her short row.

I miss her so, so much! I miss her so much it physically hurts.

Expat, there's a lovely meerkat on Amazon.co.uk He's standing up, with his little meerkat son at his side holding a solar lantern that lights up at dusk. I'll see if I can find the link to him..

here he is

Talking of meerkats, there is one in our cemetery, very lovely he (she) is too!

chip our cemetery closes long before it gets dark - it's now closing before tea-time. I would love to be able to see the lights in all their glory, sadly it won't happen :(

So sorry to see you here My5, I can only echo what the others have said, Dexter is a real treasure xx

Sorry I'm not up to speed. I've been actively avoiding this place, thinking I was fine; wanting to run away from it all. It hasn't helped that there have been other difficulties at home.

I've been plagued by nightmares for a long time now. Firstly, lightning strikes, that hit very close. And now tornadoes, which I look at in awe, till they change direction & head my way. I'm guessing that it's my psyche, not allowing me to run away. That the pain is still there, and try as I may, to swallow it down it catches me out.

I wanted to be like fioled. When Tamsin first died I wanted to keep talking about her, to have her photo everywhere. Like fioled I planned a blog, somewhere to document how I felt. I wrote so many poems for her. Now - I'm afraid I've failed her miserably. My stupid f*ing body failed her, now I'm continuing to fail her. I have her photos on my keyring (three of them). I used to shover them in peoples faces, even complete strangers, now I just don't want to even look at them... because it hurts. If I hold them the wrong way I can't avoid looking at her. What a s**t I am.

There is something else and I am terrified. I guess (if it's true) I need to do something, but I scared :(

expat, i dont think its bonkers tidying up the grave at all.
i often do that when i visit baby orchid grave.
and tend to say ah there, there you go

i know people think i go to baby orchids grave alot, but it somehow helps me to feel better, so i probably go about three times a week at least twice

myfive, i could teach you hwo to make those posies if you like,it really really is very easy,do you live far from where dexter is buried?
lovely photo btw, i think you can really tell from that photo that dexters taking it all in, he looks very aware of his surrounding.
a very bright and beautiful boy.

tami, i don't yet have photos of my boy up around the house yet, i know i might sound mad, but i feel when i am stronger, than i will put my sons photos up.
but i dont have the strength to see them everyday atm
ever though i can see him in my mind as clear as a bell.
and i have a lovely photo album ive made with all my sons photos
my sons heart didnt form, so i understand how you feel your body failed, i feel my body failed to make my son properly
but it is not our fault we had no control over it
but i get what your saying

chip, i like that meercat love the lantern.
now we have my sons headstone i'm thinking what other things shall we put down.
thinking of buying one of these....
hang on be back with links.....

large teddy which would have son on

small teddy with special brother on

or like this too
teddy but they cover it in silver, but i think these ones are fairly expensive.

I'd love to be able to do the flowers myself. I was saying to my mum I'd love to learn how to do it, so I can make them all myself.

Today I'm missing Dexter so much, I feel broken

it really is so easy, all you need to do is get a round bowl.
here green plastic ones work well.
i could try and help you find some cheaper ones if you like.

so you get a round bowl, then put in a piece of oasis form, you normally buy them in blocks for about a pound, you can get three posies from one block.

oasis

do yo have any bushes in your garden or on your drive or anything?
or any close by?

then i usually go to the bushes in my garden, we have some along our drive. snip some off.

for a first go it might be easy to use something easy like carnations or crythasums

1.so one you put the oasis in the bowl, you can wrap a piece of tape around it, [you can get green floristry tape, or sellotape works ok too.]

1. then you start by building the greenery for the base.

so if you put some greenery around the all the way round the edge of the bowl, which will cover the bowl, then all around you could aim to form a vage ball like shape, or triangle shape if it helps you

1. then you simply push the flowers into the foam

when youve got used to doing it you can then experiment with different greeenry, different flowers, other thigns to jazz the posies up like ribbons or diamante sprays butterflys on wires allsorts

if you want me to you could pm me your email adress and i'll show you photos of posies ive done for my son, and i could even take step by step photos for you if that woudl make it any easier for you.
but it really is easy and once you have the bowl, you can resuse it loads of times, the piece of oasis for one posy costs about 33p, greenery usually nothing as if theres nothing in your garden there will be stuff in your neighbour you could use.
then however much you chose to spend on the flowers, ive done some lovely ones by only spending say 2 pounds buying two differnt types of carnations, say white and purple.

im sure not not worried by how mch the flowers cost, but what im trying to say you could make something lovely for say 2.33, where as the florist will charge say 20
and its nice and personal. its one thing i do find relaxing.

anyway your welcome to pm me anytime
if i can do anythng to help anyone on here i will xx

Hello ladies. x

The flower wreath sounds lovely; I'm going to plant bulbs around B's plot I think. Or we might have wildflower seeds. I'd rather have planted growing plants than cut flowers.

Tami, love, don't be so hard on yourself. We all feel we let our babies down, but we know that logically, we aren't to blame, and Tamsin will never blame you for doing whatever you need to do to getthrough the day. Be kind to yourself. I hope that the 'something else' isn't what you think, or if it is, you are able to sort it easily and painlessly. If you need to talk - you know where I am. xxx

Hello all. Think nearly everything is ready for Monday. We are writing a press statement tonight - already have the local news channel contact us to say they will be talking about Mia on Monday morning, so we have ensured they have the correct facts.

The registration of the star Mia Alexandra came through yesterday, so it is shining brightly somewhere in the universe, even if we haven't quite been able to identify it. And just now, the Woodland Trust rang to say they are interested in doing a site visit to Mia's Wood, and it looks as though they are very open to helping us... I would love to take these as auspicious signs, but I can't think that way anymore, even if I am glad they happened.

white you sound incredibly artistic to do those flower arrangements!!

expat the images you bring to mind as you chat to Ailidh and the other people in her cemetery as you tidy up their lairs (I learnt a new word!) made me smile. What a lovely thing to do, and absolutely right.

tami if we can help you with all the tornadoes at the moment, please let us. Tamsin is always in your head and heart, and whether you look at her photo or not will never diminish your love for her. You are not failing her. You are simply trying to deal with everyday life issues - she is always there for you. As chip says, we are all just incredibly unlucky. Are you going to the baby service on Sunday? Hope you can, I know it is important to you.

MrsY thank you I probably didn't word it right, I have to wait, it's not something that needs to be dealt with in that way... I was just thinking (or rather typing) out loud xx

White thank you too :) xx

Miasmummy which news channel is your local one? On BBC we get a mix - we get South Today (which covers Oxford), and (bizzarely) London???!!! On ITV we absurdly get London??? Just wondered so I could try to tune in to a different transmitter. Wow - Mia's Star! How wonderful, twinkling so brightly, high above xx

This Jimmy Savile thing is bugging me a bit. Sounds stupid I know. He died the day before Tamsin was delivered, and the channel in my room seemed to have reports about him all day. The midwives were very upset by his death, as most knew him - by sight at least - being as this was Stoke Mandeville. I remember lying there thinking how bizarre it was, that others were mourning the loss of an old man, whilst my poor baby had had no life.

Even when in hospital before DD1 was born, I used to go and sit in 'Jimmy's Cafe', named after Mr Savile. Somehow all of this has added an extra poignancy to the hours before Tamsin's birth.

miasmummy, oh thanks, alot of people i know in rl tell me im artistic too
good job im ok at something i guess with my spelling and grammer!lol

tami, i don't think its stupid at all, i remember feeling a bit of rage towards dhs gran! when couple of weeks after my son died and she was talking about her poorly arm, she said she woke up one morning and it was hurting so much she thougth what did i do to deserve this.
me and dh where just silent.
and i thought ffs youve had your life, your lucky to still be here
and as for deserving it......
but i love her to bits and shes been very very supportive
i think she just spoke before she thought
so i can see why you feel that way, esp as he was such an evil man
at times i find the public outpouring of grief over slebs etc rather odd

well today at the gym a lady was saying about her purse got stolen in a shop, she said the person who stole it will get there comuppence.
i really felt like saying, well wish it worked like that but it doesn't
so its just a silly comment thats been going round in my head today
guess people say that sort of stuff to make themsleves feel like they have some sort of control over what happens in their life when actually they don't
it still hurts somehow though as it feels like they are saying bad things happen to bad people, but i know we are not bad people and noone of us derserve whats happend to our children,, and our children certainly did not derseve what has happened to them.
don't knwo why i'm going off on one, just wanted to get it off my chest i guess

I've been exactly there, orchid, these little things people say. Someone at work was talking about her neice who's in scbu, born v. early. Said 'I know she'll get through it, she's such a fighter'. I know she would never connect the two situations, but it felt like she was saying Benedict wasn't a fighter, which is why he's not here.

Life is just so unfair.

We're off out for a late dinner to try and salvage a crappy day.

Hi MrsY, doing ok thanks for asking. I'm loitering here more I think because it's my boy's 6 month anniversary on Monday. How can 6 months have gone by? It's the blink of an eye.

Tami what a reminder of Tamsin. These things do stick with us don't they? I have a thing for each of mine: omega 3 fish oil (!!!), snow and bluebells. Just they're not in the news. Sorry you're having trouble. xxx

Mias I will look out for Mia next week.

mrsy, oh yes i can totally see why that would hurt so much.
it would hurt me too.
i bet theperson probably didnt even realise what an insensitive thing they had just said

i often think that about cancer, they way people are told to fight it, to battle it, and if someone dies from cancer some people call it losing the fight, oh i don't know it just must make life for those people even harder if they are not able to express there true feelings, as they are expected to nothing less than 100% positve as if, if there not positive the cancer will beat them
yet with any other illness you allowed to have shit days, and days where you feel totally down, and your not berated for it.
i just think its not right or fair

MrsY, that "fighter" word makes me cringe now, too. I find it upsetting because Sylvie-Rose was actually quite a tough little cookie but she still died. It makes no sense to me now that people think that whether you live or die depends on how much you want to live.

Tami, you sound very down. Don't for a minute think you are failing Tamsin. I know that although I am compelled to go to the cemetery a lot. I really don't ever feel very good when I am walking away from her grave. And it makes total sense to me that if I didn't go that I might actually be able to put those feelings aside a bit better.

A friend of mine who lost a baby to stillbirth attends a clairvoyant, a chap who has a good reputation for being accurate. He advised her to have a "time and place" to talk about and remember her dd. What had been happening was that her other children would from time to time ask to see pictures of their sister, ask questions about her, then they would run off while she was left alone, in bits. So he told her to have particular times and places dedicated to remembering her baby and that her other children must observe the rules for their Mum''s sake. And that works for her.

And you won't and can't banish Tamsin by doing that. She is always there, always with her. Only you can decide how much of your attention you can give her at any given time. There's no "right" or "wrong" in any of it.

myfive I do my own flower arrangements for Sylvie-Rose's grave, too.
white has given you excellent instructions which I can't improve on but I will say that if you look up flower arranging on youtube, there are lots of helpful videos. And it's actually possible to do a lot with a bunch of flowers from the local garage. The only think I'd also say is that it's better to have a fairly heavy bowl or dish for your arrangements. I find the light ones blow over easily.

Yes, first, I remembered your anniversary was only a week or so after mine. Hope the day is easy to you. x

Off to work in a bit. I hate working weekends, especially because I spoke to my mum who had M last night, and she was really upset at bedtime. :( Can't wait to move so she won't have to sleep away from us when I'm working.

'MrsY, that "fighter" word makes me cringe now, too. I find it upsetting because Sylvie-Rose was actually quite a tough little cookie but she still died. It makes no sense to me now that people think that whether you live or die depends on how much you want to live.'

You always hit the nail on the head, chip. Too right. I see it alot, written by others on the FB pages of mates of mine whose children have cancer, but are still alive.

'I know she'll pull through this.' And I think, 'Actually, you don't, and the odds are she won't.'

Off to Glasgow to see a MNer and get the ball rolling on A's stone.

YY, whiteandyellow, I don't have much patience for old people moaning, sorry. The ILs treated us appallingly while A was ill, I could write you a book, they're only in their 60s and 70. Guess who's still alive? Well, they can moan to someone else from now till the world ends, we haven't spoken to them since a) FIL didn't come to the funeral, he'd had a knee replacement about 6 weeks before and was too 'ill' b) MIL was pissed off that we went to a pub with MNers and friends who'd come from all over the UK, who supported us in ways that are amazing and were even there when A died instead of to a sulky meal at some crap restaurant 'just family' so she stormed off home about 30 minutes after A's interment rather than stay and visit with her other two grandchildren and my parents.

Yes, it's sad when old people die, but fuck, at least they got to live a full life!

expat, i didn't know your fil did not go to A's funeral, and his excuse, being too ill, ffs that is pathetic.
and he had his knee op six weeks before hand.wow what a weak and selfish man

and your mil storming off, it astounds me how people of this age can be so immature
and how they think they should be able to control what you do, such as doing what she wants by going to a family only meal, why do they think they have a right to try and call the shots
it flabbergasts me

i have issues with my inlaws, as they are very much brush it under the carpet types, they try to pretend everything is ok all the tiime, they never ever bring up our son, and if we do they hardly ever respond, they just go all quiet and weird, it actually makes me talk about him all the time on purpose
they also went on holiday, after our son had died, went away for about 2 and a half weeks, so we had to postpone the funeral as dh wanted them there.
never once did they offer to rearrange the holiday, they well fil simply said they won't be here for the funeral as they will be on holiday....
as mil sheepisly looked at the ground
so we waited for 4 weeks for the funeral.
i only waited as i knew dh wanted them there, and i wanted tohelp dh as much as possible
but they where only going to spain, where they have a holiday apartment, so the only real cost would have been two cheap flights, plus they both don't work so it was not a one in a lifetime trip nor was it a case off the only time they could get off work as they dont work, i'm still pissed off really about that
then when they were on there holiday, they send cheery messages to us, like hi hope your all wellwtf? whats dd been upto? what did you do at the weekend
as if they expected a cheery message back
and i'd reply i've bee sorting the flowers for the funeral today and nothing else

What is it with these IL's? Dreadful behaviour from both of yours, expat and white!
MIL had a fight with dh about these flowers she wanted to put on Sylvie-Rose's coffin, dh didn't want them as they weren't an arrangement as such, just stuck into a bowl of water so the coffin would have gotten wet. But she ended up getting into a shouting match with dh as if the flowers were going to make any difference!

Completely shocked at some of these stories. Selfish gits!! My family have been pretty supportive but there are a few friends who won't be on the Christmas card list this year (actually I'm not going to be sending any bloody cards this year).

I think my family are taking their lead from me and I think I probably give the impression I don't want to talk about D, which much of the time is true. I feel awful saying that, like I'm betraying him, but I genuinely can't face it. It hurts too much and I'm just burying it. If I'm honest, I don't even allow myself to think about him very much because I think I'd just go to pieces. I keep trying to run away from it, mainly by keeping very busy, feel like I'm running, running, not looking back, but I know it's going to catch up with me and when it does, well, it's not going to be pretty.

I just genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without him. I feel exhausted just thinking about the years ahead. And I feel so effing angry that this has to be my shitty shitty lot. And then I hate myself because at least I have a life, which is more than he got. And so it goes on.

Gosh, these in-law stories make me feel lucky in comparison (never thought I'd say that about the MIL!). We've been pretty lucky in that both my mum and the in-laws totally were with us all the way. The only issues I have is MIL keep's putting bits of tat at the grave which bugs me, and seems to share stuff all the time on fb which I'd rather she didn't. She also set up a website in memory of him, I sort of feel that's my job to do not hers, but I don't like to rock the boat.

matilda, you're not betraying him by finding a coping stratergy, lovie, please don't be hard on yourself. It's still so soon to be in a place where you even really know how you feel. Do you go to a support group or counselling session?

We do all have a shitty shitty lot, just because we're better off than others doesn't change that.

Thanks MrsY. I do go to counselling every few weeks and it's quite cathartic. It's pretty much the only time I ever talk about D now and allow myself to cry. In fact I usually just walk through the door and start sobbing before the poor woman has even said hello, so I know I'm bottling it up and it's not healthy. I have a feeling I'm coming to the end of my allocated sessions - you only get seven or eight through the hospital. Can't face the thought of starting over with someone new and going through it all again but at the same time, I'm nervous about closing down my one outlet, as it were. I've not plucked up the courage to go to a Sands meeting yet. I think I remember you saying you went. Did you find it helpful?

Yes, I do. MrY doesn't, he feels a bit weighed down by other people's emotions. Whereas I'm comforted by the fact that others know exactly how I feel. It's very much like this thread. Very much a safe place. We've both just started counselling too (seperately) and he seems to much prefer that. are you able to extend the sessions you have with your current counsellor as a direct agreement between the two of you?