"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

Look, matilda, I can't speak for anyone else here but IMO I can tell you, this is a place where you never have to apologise for FA!

You know, we're all here because we've lost at least one child who could have lived in ideal circumstances. We have lived the worst nightmare there is, of holding our dead child or children in our arms and we are here, here to support one another.

No matter what.

We are here to read your post and support and empathise and give advice if you want it.

I'm really sorry for your miscarriage. xxx((()))

Thank you expat chip and mrsk. Sometimes you just have to get it off your chest don't you? And actually I never do in real life. I find it too painful still to talk about what happened to D. So thank god for this place.

Right, the sun is coming out, it's a new day. Onwards and upwards! Wishing everyone else a lovely day xx

Remembering my little Benjy- you were killed in a crash when you were five- and we'll always remember you as the beautiful blonde boy you were. It's your birthday today, we're thinking of you.

Morning ladies.......... i dont post on here very often now but i was introduced to this beautiful song by a very special friend who knows all about Jack. It made me cry...............

Morning girls. Thanks Lottie xx

Afternoon. I'm on my way home from meeting the rather lovely Knotty and Pistey after picking up the little blanket that has been beautifully made for DD2. It is just beautiful and really overwhelming that so many people have been involved in creating it. I can't wait to get it home and have a really good look at it - it is so, so special

Happy Birthday, Benjy!

Thinking of you and Benjy Mummy

So glad you got your lovely blanket mrsk. Thinking of Benjy's mum xx

I've been drinking, I don't often do this but tonight I've nearly finished a bottle of wine. I've had a really difficult week, mainly work stuff, but its really impacting on me, home life, and then the usual melt down starts. I'm not a coper anymore. 2 years, 3 months, 1 week, 1 day. Wtf? This shouldn't be my life.

You know what, fioled? We all know we shouldn't drink a bottle of wine, or have a cigarette or eat the contents of the biscuit tin but once in a while you are entitled to let your hair down. Dh and I used to have an occasional cigarette when we were young, mostly when you were still allowed to smoke in pubs. We gave up when we found we were expecting ds1.
But this year, we have occasionally gone into a shop, bought a pack of cigs and stood out the back in our coats smoking, and hiding it from the kids, as if we were the kids and they were the adults!
And then I go into work the next day and tell my patients that smoking puts vision at risk!
We won't get addicted, you can't when you have other kids. But I'm damned if I'm going to be sensible when nothing in my life makes sense!
Have the wine and enjoy it!

Fi - this year I am 30 and 20 years respectively down the line from loosing my boys. Tonight I have drunk a 3 litre bottle of strong white cider (classy Bird) and have smoked 20 cigarettes. Sometimes, just sometimes, LIFE gets to me - I hate nailing down the rug under my feet (so no bugger can swipe it from under me) I hate being so sad but pinning on my fake smile.

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes - we can not cope. Our child/children has died. Its an overwhelming sadness but then I know I dont have to describe it to you.....you walk the same path I do xxxx

xxxxxx

xxx

Exactly, chip and shabba!

Our new 'normal' is shit, so every now and again, you gotta let it all hang out!

12 weeks yesterday, Aillidh left this life for the next.

Love to you expat, 13 weeks tomorrow for us here, 13 weeks ago about this time was the last time Flora spoke to us. X.

Love to Expat and 3girlies. I am just over 6 months now, don't know what I have been doing with myself for that long really.

Had a hard day today. Took my son to a birthday party. When I got there, 4 of my friends were there, who also have children the same age as my little one who died. The little ones were not invited to the party, so they went to the ball pit together in the leisure centre with the 3 year olds. I couldn't go as I don't have a 3 year old anymore, so I walked round Tesco and then sat in my car. I know its a pathetic thing to be upset about in the grand scheme of the shit that is my life, but its really upset me. I miss my life and my friends, and feel really lonely. Its hard to meet up with everyone when the person that holds me to them isn't here anymore.

It has made me think seriously about moving, literally moving away where I don't know anyone and I don't have to watch life going on without me.

Ugh

xxxxx

twinkle, I hate those times, the times when you are reminded of the things you should be doing, the things you should be buying, the things you should be using.
The unused buggy, the unused breast pump, the nappy and babyfood section of the supermarket.
Later it will be the soft play she should be bouncing around in, then the afterschool activities I can't enrol her in. And there will always be dh's niece who should be her playmate, to show me what she ought to be doing. .

Thanks twinkle, was thinking of how far along you are also this week. It has been hard for me too, seeing pics of friends girls having their birthdays appear on Facebook - Flora should have been at those parties, but never will. We have her birthday late October, will be so sad to see her birthday come. X.

Went to see her grave today. The weather cleared beautifully, it always does when we go to see her, and tons of rainbows. No Aillidh.

Expat - even after all these years I have times when it seems to have happened to someone else. I cant believe that I have lived through all the sadness. xx

I know what you mean, shabba.

Was speaking to the mother of the other child with AML who died, the 16-month-old baby. It's 4 weeks since she died, and her mother said the numbness is starting to wear off.

What could I say but yes, and I understand.

Of the 4 children with AML she came to know in the short 5 months her child was there, only 1 is still alive.

My twin baby boy, Gareth, was in a ward full of similar aged babies with the same (or more serious) heart conditions. None of those precious little ones are still alive.

Its a bloody horrible, weird world.

xxx

What I find hard, and I hope this doesn't sound awful, was that all the babies who were with us in NICU/SCBU are still alive, at least all the ones I know of. I am happy that they are all alive but it does make me wonder, why our baby? Why couldn't she have lived too?

No, I completely understand, chip. I find it really hard to follow the posts of some we knew from the unit, tbh. I know that's selfish, I don't want anyone to die, but I still keep thinking, 'We only got 7 months! Why couldn't she have lived longer?'

The mother of the other AML is going back to the unit to present a cheque. I told her I can't go back in there just now, but she did say it's only because it's been a few weeks. I do see that. We went to a memorial for children who died in her unit about a month after she died, but I couldn't go just now, IYKWIM.

NO WAY I could go back in that unit at present. My mate tried, when she wanted to see Aillidh for her birthday, but her son had just died in March and she made it to the kitchen and just broke down. I hadn't known she was coming. A nurse came and got me and said her husband had her out in teh corridor. Poor lovely lady! We got her out of there.

I can't even go around that hopsital. They showed it on telly when that little girl died in that canoeing accident and said she was in ICU there and I had to leave the room!

Ironically, expat, the A+E department where we brought Sylvie-Rose when she stopped breathing had been on TV, in a mini-series documentary.
So there we were, sitting in this room, I had on only a dressing gown and bare feet, and the doctor off the telly was talking to us about Sylvie-Rose telling us she had a 6% chance of living. Which meant no chance, really. It was like a very bad dream. I was under-dressed talking to someone from TV. It couldn't have been any more dream-like.