"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

I don't know what we will do iliketo.., just thinking about having a good walk, put a card from us to stand by her ashes, will think of something to mark it by. She would have been 7 years old. The future gets stolen doesn't it? All the things we will never do together, just so cruel. X.

They're frozen in time. The rest of the world moves on, your other children move on, they stay the age they were.

Got my first white feather today! At last!

I'm still in contact with some other parents whose children are still battling. I love to support them, and hope their children do well (they're all survived longer than Aillidh), but sometimes it's hard because all that isn't a part of our lives anymore, if anyone knows what I mean. Somewhat easier with those I'm in touch with whose children have died. I know that sounds mean-spirited, but that's why I'm putting it here because this is the only place I can put it.

Yes, I often think of that, I will get old, her sisters will grow up but Flora will always be six years old. All these things you never imagine you will ever have to think about, my head is so full of it all.

oh expat tell me about the feather.
where and when did it appear.
so pleased you got one at last, perhaps aillidh heard you saying or thinking about one

i often wonder what happens when you die, it totally believe that something happens, i do feel my son around me and i hope we will be reunited again.
i even asked my vicar what happens to babys when they go to heaven, do they remain babies for ever or do they grow up
she did not actually answer my question
what she did say was, that shes is absoultey convinced me and my son will be reunited one day,and that we will recognise each other, and that heaven is all around us not far up in the sky and spirits stay close to the people they love and they people that love them
and that i have to have faith it is going to get easier
she lost a grandchild to stillbirth too so she really really understood how deeply us losing our son to neonatal death affects us so deeply
sadly shes retired now, think she found our sons funeral one of the toughest shes conducted, she told a friend of mine that was there she found it really hard to stay composed.
bless her heart, shes lovely

she also gave me a book called pip on the egde of heaven for my dd, its a childrens book about grief, but it made alot of sense to me.

3girlies my younger daughter is getting perilously close to the last book Aillidh read in school now. 'Twiga and the Moon'. 18 November 2011. The last day she ever went to school. Her sister is in the grade Aillidh was in when she fell ill and died. Aillidh lived only 7 months and 29 days following her diagnosis.

Her sister is my only other daughter, my other child is a son, and it pains me to know that, as he is only 3, the only memories he will have of her are those we give him.

There will be no other children. I am going on 42 and my husband had the snip.

whiteandyellow, we live in a rural area, white, and I don't go out much besides the school run and the kids' activities and seeing a few friends. But haven't been out walking much because the weather's really gone pear-shaped.

I went out onto our balcony (we are in a maisonette that begins on the first floor) to prune back my mint plant and there it was, a white feather. Definitely a seagull, I think, we are yards from a marina that opens onto a sea loch and the gulls come in, of course, in inclement weather. But it was there.

I think when they pass to spirit they are what you need them to be, tbh.

My gran lost her first when the child was 2, but she always saw her as a woman. And when my grandmother died over 70 years later that's how she appeared but my grandmother recognised her as her own.

oh i'm so so pleased you got that feather.

do you think if you were younger and your dh hadn't had the snip you would have any more children?

i was telling a friend, someone ive know about 2 years and in a group of friends with thatwe now have our sons headstone
she said something about oh she doesnt like the ones with a photo on.
[ours doesnt have a photo on]
and i said something like perhaps you dont like them because it makes it seem more real
and she said no, its not that, but that she thinks the headstone is about moving on
the conversation just fizzed out then at a rather awkward silence

yet again, you end up feeling judged somehow, what other people think is the right or wrong thing to do
i felt like saying i bet if one of your children died you would want photos up of them, not necacerily on the headstone but around the house
but i didn't as i'm sure it would all come out wrong
or make me sound really nasty
i do think she ment well
it just makes me feel likewe are all isolated and so so judged
when we've been through enough already

'do you think if you were younger and your dh hadn't had the snip you would have any more children?'

I don't know because I'm not young anymore. I'll be 42 in February. And it happened when it did and so now it's a moot point.

Oh, another cracker from someone who hasn't lost a child! Headstones are about moving on.

Please! Yes, we move on, in the sense that no one can freeze time. We can only move forward in it and honour that.

But her stone is about her and about her siblings and remembering her. The wish to have a photo is actually her sister's. She wants it and has expressed that every time we visit her and even at home.

Morning girls xx

When Dan & Matt were about 6 & 4 we went to take flowers to my Grandads grave. Matt was fascinated by the cemetry. He wanted to know about my Grandad and we sat talking about him. Then Matt saw lots of headstones with pictures on - he said 'When I die I want the cutest picture of me on my headstone' - sadly, very sadly, 3 years later we found the 'cutest' pictures of Gareth and Matt and they are on their headstone. Everybody who visits says how amazing they are. Its all very personal choices.....and, in my opinion, a headstone is not a sign that we are 'moving on' its to show our child/children were here, did exist and were much loved xxx

white how weird that your friend felt her opinion on headstones would be a useful gem of knowledge for you... ignore!

expat so glad your white feather appeared.

3girlies you might find that Flora continues to grow in your mind along with your other girls.

Now this sounds a little silly, but I think I dreamed about our children last night - or maybe I glimpsed that parallel universe / heaven where they all are. I was at my grandmother's house, but not one I was familiar with, but I knew it was hers. My grandmother died four days before Mia. There was some sort of party or event there, with lots of children of different running around. (Didn't see Matty being mischievious though, shabba, he was obviously off planning something!) Mia was much bigger, and we were very impressed how she could jump off a wall down a slope and keep running without falling over. I wanted to help her, but realised there was no need - and I somehow knew I wasn't allowed to. Then all the children had a nap, and I saw all these lovely cherubic faces fast asleep together in a big room, Mia with her little bottom sticking up in the air just like she used to do when she was exhausted. Not sure what brought this all on, but it was oddly comforting.

expat, I'm so glad you got your feather!

white shortly after Sylvie-Rose died, I mentioned to my dsis that I had been up to the cemetery and had seen a birthday candle in the shape of a "2" on the grave of one of the babies buried nearby.

My sister made a sort of face as if she thought that was distasteful or too much, as if you told her about a live baby girl with no hair whose parents had clipped a big bow to her head ( Apologies to anyone who thinks this is cute but my sister definitely wouldn't!) I said I thought it was actually a lovely thing to do and she backtracked very fast! I do think there are things you don't "get" if you haven't lost a child.

As for a headstone = moving on. Really, how can we ever truly move on?

Mias, what a lovely, lovely dream! I'm sure you were being reassured that Mia is being taken care of and loved.

Odd thought last night. Sylvie-Rose was our last child. The weeks she was in hospital, I remember thinking that when she got out, then we would be able to carry on living. Now that she's died, it feels like now I get to carry on dying.

Yes, I do find myself thinking what she would have been like especially if she had not been ill, had kept her lovely hair etc. what we would all be doing now and stuff like that, only it will never be as we are in a different life now.
I think I might have decided to have another if I had been about 10 years younger, I am almost 44 now and husband had the snip too after Flora, feel too old anyway now anyway, I am past all that. It would never be Flora and that is the only child I want. Anyone else feel like this?

I feel the same way, 3girlies.

it just makes me feel so sad and cross really, who are others to judge how anyone deals with grief and loss

its really nasty to pass judgement on these sort of things imo

as for a headstone being a thing to help you move on, personally to me i thnk its something to always remember someone, a perminate memorial in honour of that loved persons memory.

just makes you feel like you are being judged all the time.
its just so very isolating

and it also makes me think, if people are like this only 7 months after my son died, how will they be in a year in two years, in three years etc etc

less and less understanding i suspect

'less and less understanding i suspect '

Seems to be the experience of a lot of people I've met who've lost children.

Even Kevin Wells wrote that people have said things to him like, 'It's been 10 years, isn't it time to move on?' Nice. His daughter was murdered age only 10 and someone has the cheek to say something like that him.

i often wonder if really people say things about moving on
they actually mean shut up talking about your loss
they dont want to hear it

You lovely ladies dropped of my Threads I'm on list!

Just popping in to give everyone a big hug!

I'm doing ok, 32 weeks pregnant and counting down... trying to stay positive. But it is hard cause with every little, or hard kick thus little one does, I realise Sterre was never able to do that. But without her I wouldn't be pregnant now, and enjoying this little one kick about (even though it bloody hurts sometimes )

hello blue, lovely to hear from you. Sterre is watching over you and your little one, perhaps adding some extra strength to her little sibling's kicks.

white have you heard of the expresssion DHACs? It means people who Don't Have A Clue. Sadly, there are many of them around, and you just have to learn to ignore them. Now when people say something silly, clueless or plain stupid, I simply don't care. I don't care what they think of me, if I cry in a public place or if I speak about Mia, or whatever I need to do to show my love for my beautiful daughter. They aren't me, and they have absolutely no idea of the pain and grief we carry around, today, yesterday, and ten years from now. You do not 'get over' losing a child. Ever.

Hello everyone. Yes, moving on is something that people seem to want you to do so that they can pretend that life is all sunshine and no showers. I haven't had this but some family members have.

I feel bad this week. I know a lovely lady at work who lost a child a few years before I got to know her. She's popped by my desk a few times to say hello, and I think I've been a bit brusque with her, acknowledging her but getting on with my work. I want to keep my professional head on at work and feel that if I start to talk to her I may crack. I feel almost angry when I see her, and I just can't understand why. She has done nothing for me to be angry about.

My daughter's birthday is looming and I'm dreading it. I don't want to spend time with anyone apart from MrK and DD2. I feel that other family and friends may feel a bit pushed away though. I'm finding it hard to acknowledge their grief as well, I'm having such a hard time dealing with my own that I just can't give them an ear or a shoulder. I feel like I need to be like this, but also feel a total bitch. Sometimes I wish that everyone else would just fuck off and leave me alone.

MrsK, I sometimes think I should keep my professional head on a bit better. But a lot of my patients really feel they know me and so many of them were just waiting to see if I had a boy or a girl and so they're asking "What did you have?" if they haven't seen me since before she was born. And then they don't know where to put themselves when I tell them about Sylvie-Rose. And I do find it hard to stay composed.

Hey Blue!

Chip I'm lucky in that I work in an office, no real time with the public or outside clients - I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you going back and knowing that you would be asked about Sylvie-Rose all the time. I do think that Ireland has a healthier attitude to talking about death than the UK though from my experience.

Sorry Blue, while I was wailing on in my earlier post I meant to say hello and so glad to hear that all is well

Hello everyone, not posted for a bit, been busy and when I'm not busy I'm in the pit (of despair, I'm not a miner).

whiteandyellow I'm so sorry for the loss of baby orchid.

Mrsk I know exactly what you mean. I am pushing everyone away apart from DP partly because I just don't want to deal with their feelings but also because I don't want any more sympathy. I HATE feeling like an object of pity. It's just not how I perceive myself or how I want to be seen though I know people mean well.

I have had a spectacularly bad week, even by recent standards. I went back into the office for the first time since D died in May (mostly I work from home) and on my first day back I started having a miscarriage. It was a very early one - I only found out I was pregnant a week ago so I was able to carry on - and there was NO WAY I was going to tell anyone because it was hard enough to walk into the office with all the sympathetic stares and not bursting into tears as it was. I just felt like such a pathetic creature. The moral of that story is never assume you've reached rock bottom...you can always sink a bit lower.

Sorry, I realise this post is full of self-pity and bitterness but that is exactly how I feel. I am 43 so it's ludicrous that I am even hoping for another baby and I knew I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage but even so, for that short week I allowed myself to think that maybe I was getting a second chance. Fat chance.

Sorry again to post such a negative post. I do read and take a lot of comfort from this thread and I relate to so many of the comments here.

Love to everyone xx

Oh, Matilda! Of course you were right to hope. I'm so sorry you miscarried. Life is far too unfair!

It sure is chip. For a few days last week I even felt lucky, but then I remembered lucky people's children don't die . What's worse is that DP really wasn't sure we should even try again and this has just cemented his feelings. He doesn't want to see me go through any more grief (understandably) and I feel selfish for dragging him and DD through it when the odds are so crap. Six months ago I felt so lucky and happy to be carrying my second child. I just feel like I've taken a wrong turn and got stuck in this awful life by mistake and now I can't get out of it and I just want to go back. Like we all do I guess.

Matlida sending you ((())) and so sorry that you've miscarried