"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

I did and do, white, and I did not have children at all when Rich died. It just seemed the thing to do. Believe it or not, she says the only cards she gets now are from me and Suzi. I never saw him, except those two times, and I don't think I will again, until I pass into spirit myself.

My cousin dreamed that my Nana was looking after Sylvie-Rose. She said that in the dream my Nana was very young and beautiful.

Talking of dreams, I had a nightmare the other night. I was living in Amsterdam, the water was rising in all the rivers and canals. I woke up just as a huge boat was capsizing and about to crash down on top of me.

Ds4 came running into my bed a while later. He always does that in the mornings. But this time he snuggled in and said "Mammy, I don't want you to die"
I said "I'm not going to die, silly!" And he said "But I don't want you to die in that river!" It was like he could see my dream.

Ds1 and ds2 used to share dreams as children. Ds1 was telling me about a dream he'd had, ds2 butted in and told me what happened next. Ds1 said "But ds2, it was my dream!" and ds2 said "Yes but I was there!"
They also talked about a person called a "dream-maker" who would appear in both their dreams and change them from bad dreams to good.
All stopped when they were around six and four.

My sister, who I've always thought was a bit more in touch with the spiritual side of life than me, (which is not saying much i admit) had a dream where my Nan, who died several years ago, was hanging out the washing on the line. She was hanging up a big sheet to dry and it was blowing about in the wind. My sister felt panicky in the dream and asked her where Daniel was as she couldnt see him and my nan said it's ok he's here. But my sister couldn't see him and Nan just kept saying don't worry he's here, ie behind the sheet. I liked hearing about this but I also feel a bit sad that I haven't dreamed about my boy once or had any signs whatsoever. I don't feel his presence. Just his absence. I wouldn't say I'm someone who's very in touch with that side of things...I wish I was now as it would be a comfort I think.

Chip, I love that story about your boys sharing dreams. It just reminded me that I experienced something similar with my sister a couple of times when we were sharing a room as children. I'd completely forgotten about it until now. I can't remember the details at all but I remember her describing a dream and knowing that I'd been in it too xxx

Oh, people share dreams! People will say it is woo and that there is a rational explanation for it, but the supernatural is only the natural which our powers aren't able to explain yet. No less real, no less valid, because well, our powers just haven't caught up.

'She said that in the dream my Nana was very young and beautiful.'

Of course she was, because she is. And I'm not a jot bothered by anyone who says I'm woo, or a dumb ass or ignorant, thick, ill-educated (ha!) a 'God botherer', etc.

I used to be afraid to go up my own flight of stairs, because Kenny '96 hanged himself from the light fixture there in 2006 after his girlfriend and her kids left him.

I'm not now!

I'm woo, stupid, thick, whatever to some.

Doesn't matter a jot to me.

Because those of us who have lost our children, you see, there's not a lot that can really hurt us now. There's nothing, nothing worse, than losing your child.

Morning ladies...from grey, rainy, cold Lancashire!!

morning

ive been listening to this song alot lately rio diamond, i believe.

Good morning all

thought I'd pop back. It's lovely reading about these dreams. I've not had a significant dream lately. I had an awful dream that I was told I had less than 6 weeks left. I was really sad about leaving DD1 (and DS of course). I did then (in the dream) think that at least I would be with Tamsin, but that wasn't enough to lighten the feeling, then I felt guilty for wanting to be with DD1. I also had a dream about chip, where I went to see her, as she needed my help - there is nothing I can imagine that chip would ever need my help with - but it was nice meeting you in the dream world :)

Miasmummy I did think we had a lady on team 'blue' here, but now I've said that, it's probably wrong. I can predict an amazingly bonny baby though :)

white I don't believe I've met you on here (apologies if I have & have forgotten), so welcome, but I do wish none of us had to be here.

Made a less than stellar impression at my new GPs surgery today. I was fine, until a baby came in... so used to babies now, so they don't usually affect me. But when the mum took her out, she had thick black hair, and looked like Tamsin. I started to well up, and by the time I was called in, I was in full sobbing mode. I apologised, as I never randomly cry anymore, but it just caught me out. The doctor was kind, but then asked if I had anyone at home, and told me to tell my psychiatrist. I now fear that they have me down as emotionally unstable (well I am, but more so than I really am)... urgh!

Hope you all enjoy the beautiful autumnal sunshine xx

hi tamisara, i think we may have met before on sands website.
i think it may have been you, i havent been on that site for a while as i find it tricky to follow the threads as there doesnt seem to be a threads im on section same was as there is here, unless i'm missing it?
do you still go on that site?
do you go to any of the meetings?

i'm thinking of going to, not the next one as its the day before my birthday, and i can'r cope with the emotional outlet that might happen, but i might go to the oct one
if i feel strong enough

ikwym about the drs thats the sort of thing i do, esp at the drs then i worry they will think i can't look after dd or something, so i tend to try to appear to be coping fine when i go there iykwim.
bonkers really as they should be there to help, and most of them are

white we probably have met on Sands. I also don't tend to go on there much. I haven't been to a Sands meeting. I've thought about it, but just never got round to it.

Funnily enough though, I did get an invitation to a memorial service today, from the bereavement office at SMH. It is to remember all babies who died before, or after pregnancy, and is next month. I'm really glad they sent it, as we were given a form to fill in, to be invited to events like this, but I couldn't remember filling it in, or where it was. So I'm very pleased to have received this, and will (fingers crossed) be attending. It will be lovely to meet other parents in the same situation. It's not a Sands event, it is arranged by Buckinghamshire NHS.

It's horrible worrying that they may think you're not competent to look after your other children, I think it's how we feel, rather than the facts of the situation. As you say, the doctors are there to help xx

oh we had an invite to a church memorial service in the summer, we went and i found it helpful was lovely to have that hour or so just to sit and purely think about our son, there was poems and reads and hymns.
al the babies names where read out, and we all lit a candle for each baby.

theres going to a christmas service for all of us that have lost babies, and i will def be going to that
i guess its the same sort of thing
xx

Tami, we should meet up sometime in RL!
Honestly, though! You see a baby who looks like Tamsin, you well up, and your doctor thinks your psych needs to know? Since when is missing your baby a psychiatric illness? It's normal, Tami, or as normal as anything is, these days!

Hello all. I was also thinking of you today, tami as I was back to SM for a gestational diabetes test - runs in the family, unfortunately.

After feeling ok and keeping busy all week, now feeling very sobby. The lovely woman who conducted the celebration of Mia's life rang me this afternoon, to say that she was remembering Mia's birthday tomorrow. That set me off... a lady who didn't even meet Mia alive remembered, and cared. I guess being back at the hospital too, with all the memories of her birth, probably didn't help either.

In the middle of my sob-fest, DH rang to say that Mia's Wood is finally ours. We will go to a local nursery this evening to pick out a tree together.

It is great that this is all happening at the right time, but I can't feel somehow diminished. This is not how I want to mark Mia's birthday. But it is all I've got.

mia how lovely of that lady to remember.
i really really hope someone other then me and dh remember my sons birthday, that would mean suchalot ot me
great news the woods are yours now.
willl you be planting anything like snowdrops and bluebells, i always think they look fantastic in woods.
thining of you for tomorrow

Happy Birthday, beautiful Mia xxx

Happy birthday beautiful red haired girl x x x x

Morning girls - Happy Birthday Mia xx

Happy birthday Mia, I hope the sun is shining in Mia's wood today xx

Hi alyak2011, my son was born sleeping on 25th July 2012. I had to arrange my own 6week check up at doctors. I think more than anything with the check the doctor wants to talk with you. Not to give tmi but i was exactly like you had already had my first period after birth before my check up so it was more a chat. Also my consultant said they would call to discuss post mortem results but didn't so I called her. Our results are back and we are just waiting for appointment. If I was you I'd call, I feel I need these results as part of my grieving process. Take care.x

Miasmummy It is a beautiful autumnal day. There are red & orange berries on bushes, the leaves on my cherry tree, are turning a burnished gold/red colour, the sky is brilliantly blue - Mia's presence abounds. Ethereal signs they may be, but they are still magickal. I wish you a gently day, with lots of love, and a very Happy Birthday to a very special, flame-haired beauty xxxxx

happy birthday mia.. hope the day passes peacefully for you miasmummy

I have just found this on facebook .. its published by the why 17 campaign.. its 17 pictures of pregnant ladies who will go on to tragically lose their babies ..thats all there is to it so please dont click on it if it will upset you ..

i just found it poignant and wanted to share... was tempted to put it in chat to annoy all those who want to pretend we dont exist

[ why 17]

lets try that again

FM It is a very poignant video - all those poor women, when they were safe (that is how I think of myself this time last year).

I know what you mean about wanting to be 'hidden' away. Not everyone at our toddler group knows about Tamsin. I saw one of the mums at bounce & rhyme the other day. I hadn't seen her over the summer, and noticed this neat little bump, and she asked if I knew she was having another one. I said I didn't before then, then told her I'd had Tamsin last year. The poor woman - she said "just goes to show, things can go wrong even when you think you're past the danger point". I felt so dreadful - this poor woman, sharing her 'happy' news, and old muggins here lowers the tone. I do feel upset though - that I should pretend that Tamsin didn't exist, because others don't want to know about 'sad' things... even though that 'sad thing' becomes the most significant thing to you.

On the bright side - my psychiatrist wasn't at all fazed that I'd burst into tears, seeing a baby that reminded me of Tamsin. She, in fact, said it was a "good" thing, that it is sad, but it is "good" for me to remember her, and have such strong feelings :)

The bad news is - now I've changed GP surgeries, she can no longer see me, as I now fall under a different team. She suggested I considered re-registering with my old GP again. I feel torn on this - I changed because I had such strong memories, and wanted a change. I also feel it would look odd trying to re-register just a few weeks after leaving... of course they may refuse to take me back.

Hope the sun remains & Mia's love shines down on her wood, her family & all those who love her... that little girl has captured so many hearts xx

oh FM - beyond sad.....way beyond sad.

Am lighting my candle that is inside my beautiful jewelled candle holder. I asked if I could 'steal' it from our hotel in Greece and was given full permission It is beautiful. Have got a blueberry scented tealight in it and will keep the light going over the weekend in honour and with love for all our lost babies (no matter what age) and also to remember my MN and RL friend Estar - tomorrow is Daniel and his twin brothers birthday. The first twin birthday without Daniel. xxx