"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

whiteandyellow, the reason I believe the white feathers are a sign is that I never, ever saw white feathers before she died. When I was a child I used to love finding feathers but only found big black ones.
After she died I so wanted signs and in frustration one day, I sat on my bed and said to her "You know, the odd feather wouldn't go astray!"
A couple of days later, One descended in front of my eyes in the middle of the lawn. It was a hazy, frosty morning and the whole scene was magical.
I also fpund one in my wallet one day!

Also, rainbows. One tbe day of her funeral. One the day we buried her organs that the hospital returned to us. One the day of her birthday.

None of us knows what this place is or why we are here, why such terrible things have happened to us or if there is a reason at all.

But I do believe there is more than this. Our children are not permitted to tell us, that would be like helping us to cheat on a test. But they are allowed to give us clues. Or that's what I think anyway!

i do like talking to other parents that have lost a child, but i find it very intersting talking to people further down the line as its interesting to me to see how thing are going for them

i'm glad youve gone onto have two more boys, i bet the pregancies were tough after losing your ds1

do you or did you find they how many children do you have questioon difficult?

i have a five year old dd, she talks about my son alot.
she asks why jesus and the angels can fix him and send him back, she asks if she has a poorly heart too
shes even woken up at night crying and saying she has a broken loveheart
she likes taking him flowers at the grave

And me you shabs x love the name BTW .

All went a bit odd there for a while but all better now !

chip wow that is amazing, i can picture you sitting down saying the odd feather wouldnt go amiss
how amazing to see one fall down right in front of you
and as for one in your wallet.
to me that must must be a sign, as how could it have got in there otherwise

dh has just got in, hes gettign some food at the moment but im excited ot tell him about the feather incidents
he will kindly humor me im sure

that is fasinating about the rainbows
ive only seen one since my son died though.

I am ashamed to say that friends I have made since my boys have been born probably don't know about harry , I have never been comfortable or brave enough to tell them . Weirdly the Mums find out when their children come to play and ask about photos or when my boys mention him .

This is one if the few safe places I have to say his name out loud other than some brilliant long term friends .

How are you doing ? I never thought I would smile or laugh without guilt again but I do .

white, my 6-year-old daughter suggested we have a picnic at A's grave. She choses flowers for her and she drew a picture to put in her coffin. She talks of her often and says she will always be her sister.

It was good to speak to my friend today. She lost her sister when they were teens and tells me she still thinks of her every day, we're in our 40s now, and told me about when they were teens and she found a list her sister wrote, of all the things she was going to do, like get a boyfriend, pass her driving test, go to college, have two kids. And every time my mate did one of these things, she'd say, 'I did it for you, C'.

I haven't had a feather yet, that would be lovely! My friend Suzanne gets white feathers from her mother every now and again.

But 11 years ago, I lost my dear friend, Rich, in a RTA. He was 32 and did not live long enough to marry or have his own daughter, which he said he'd have loved.

I saw him once, shortly after he died, and then never again. But about two weeks ago I dreamed him, so clearly. Ever in his white tshirt and olive green nylon climbing trousers, smiling and his blue eyes shining. He didn't speak, he didn't when I saw him the first time. But he let me know A was safe and with him.

I believe him.

Expat that is gorgeous to know she is with a much loved friend .

The white feathers will come I know it .
I still see them in the strangest of places and always well timed .

How you doing ? It is such early days for you , the hardest of times and believe it or not I sometimes want to be back there ,

tw no need to feel ashamed, we are all just trying to deal with this the best way we can
im glad you have a safe place here and with long term rl friends to talk safely

i'm very up and down, today my mum and dad have been over and taken me out ofr lunch and we did have a noce time, ive grown closer to them over the past year, even thpugh my mum will say the odd thing that hurts overall they are very good.
and they do encourage me to talk about my son, which is nice
but today ive been fairly ok, although i was in tears this morning
then at various point today been actually having a nice time
i do hope it gets easier to cope with in time
i worry alot about the effect it could have on my dd, but all i can do is support her as best as i can, can't really do anymore than that really

Oh, I'm up and down, travelling, you know how it goes. My other two are so young, they keep me very busy now DH is back at work.

Thanks for asking!

And don't ever be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

It does get easier I promise and if shabs boys are any indication then growing up in a house where people are walking this crappy path to adulthood has just made them into sensitive and delightful men .

I am glad you have had an ok day , that is good enough .

expat, it wonderful your 6 year old will be able to remember her sister, the picnic sounds lovely, when i was pg my dd did pictures everyday for the baby, i have alot saved in my sons memory box
perhaps you should do a chip and ask for a feather to be sent to you an see what happens

how wonderful to find that list and say i did it for you c

what happned when you saw your friend rich?

i totally believe in something but im not sure what that is.

yes i do think this experience/life wil probably also give a certain depth to dd, a certain sensivitiy that can often only come from going through such shit
so sensitive and delightful sounds great to me

I've seen Rich only twice. Each time he's standing up, in his white shirt, olive green climbing trous and Salomon approach shoes - his uniform when he wasn't at work, he was an amazing climber - and he smiles, he had THE most beautiful blue eyes, and I can hear him, but he doesn't speak. The first time he told me he was allright and that there was indeed an afterlife. Then he went. This time he came to tell me she was allright and safe.

Thanks Expat and glad to hear you are doing ok (ish anyway ) I never mean to keep harry a secret but the school gates during talking about the weather just doesn't seem the right time and then you get friendlier but it is just a conversation stopper so I keep it in .

wow how comforting
you describe him so clearly

i was thinking of planting some snowdrops inthe garden, we have a mini apple tree in mmeory of our son, and we have a nice fushia where our tiny but lovely baby we lost when i had the miscarriage is buried.
but i was thinking of planting snow drops as lots of things in my sons memory box is based around snowdrops, as its the sands symbol
so i was thinking of planting a long row of daffodils, then hyacyths the snow drops.
but im not sure if i can plant them in the grass and if i can just not cut the grass until all the flowers are gone

thank you TW - My lads are brilliant.

Did you know that Danny & Em got married in August? Was a wonderful day xx

I knew it was due then , very glad it went well after the numpty they dealt with before . I bet lew was the star attraction !

Evening all, hope you're all as well as you can be.

That bloody thread earlier - some people really don't have a clue.

Love that you've had a dream about your friend looking after Aillidh Expat.

I'm another big believer in signs, lots of feathers from my lovely girl.

Shabbs I now have the Zorba the Greek tune playing in my head

Sorry LOL - I have been humming it to myself since we came back from holiday. xxx

mrsk have there been any specific times you've seen the feathers.
or do the feathers come along at anytime?

shabba, you're such an inspiration to us all! I hope your enjoying your grandchild and congratulations to Danny and his wife. It must have been such a happy day for you all, including Gareth and Matthew, of course :).

What the hell is going on with all the insensitive threads tonight? :(

white, my friend Suzanne, who was Rich's fiancee and lost her mother when she was 15, gets them at random times. She finds them on her car, on her porch, they float down to her as she's hiking (she's an amazing hillwalker), once she even found one in her locker at the gym.

She has her mother's ashes still with her, and puts them all in her urn along with anything she finds on her travels that she thinks her mother might like. When she was in Scotland, she found some beautiful bits of rare-coloured seaglass (I'm a seaglass hunter, and believe me, finding a red one or cerulean blue piece is rare here, but she found both). She also writes little notes to her and puts them in.

Rich's ashes were scattered - Rich didn't understand the taboo around death, either, and, being a high-end traditional climber and alpinist, was well aware of the risk his passion carried, so made his wishes clear - on the wind on the trail to Pear Buttress, before The Diamond, a rock formation on Long's Peak, Rocky Mountain National Park. He'd say that he actually wanted them scattered at the lake at the base of the peak itself, but as his mother would be unable to make the hike, he chose that instead.

His ultimate goal was to climb The Diamond and, two weeks before he died, he did, with my ex. It's such a comfort to know he fulfilled that dream.

It's illegal to scatter remains in the form of ashes in US national park, and sure enough, we got found out. A ranger showed up and threatened to fine us all. A wealthy friend ushered him to the side, whipped out his cheque book and paid a $3000USD fine to the parks service then and there, then we were left to get on about our business. :)

I send his mother a card for his birthday every year, and she's been such a rock to me. As she puts it, 'He was my son for 32 years, he didn't stop when that car left the road.'

expat, i find that really intersting hearing about your friend suzanne, i bet the locker one was a suprise
a very nice one

ive not heard of seaglasss before, i shall google that and look out for it next time i go to the seaside

sounds like rich lived life to the full

that was very thoughtful of you to send his mother a card every year, i would be so touched of anyone does anything like that around my sons birthday.

expat what amazing dreams about Rich, especially that he came to tell you that A is safe with him. My mother had a similar dream about Mia at Christmas time, and she found it immensely comforting - she says she never dreams of the family.

whiteandyellow you might be interested to know that the Child Bereavement Trust do snowdrop walks around the country each year, usually in February, to remember our children. You also asked about Mia's Wood - it is a wood that DH and I decided we wanted to create in her honour, as she loved nature. In the words of DH "Planting saplings that will grow and mature over a lifetime, what should have been Mia's lifetime, into mighty trees - repaying the care and love invested in them with beauty, a lasting joy to everyone". The idea is that it will be a magical nature experience for children and families who have lost a child. Eventually, we'd like to do environmental education too. Lots of friends have donated money, and after much searching we have found a small piece of land nearby, and are in the process of buying it right now.

tw don't feel guilty about not talking about Harry at the school gate. There's a time and place for everything. If it had felt right, you would have spoken about him. Guilt is a totally overrated emotion - such a waste of energy!