"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

oh that 17 video is powerful.

wonder if there will be one this year? i would llike to see that in person

Thinking of you Miasmummy. It's a beautiful day for a beautiful girl xxxx

Happy birthday Mia, I hope that your wood is full of dancing butterflies and birdsong today.

FM that video is just heartbreaking. Too many every day.

Happy Birthday, beautiful girl x

how do you guys feel and respond when someone tell you to be graetful for what you do have
my mum said this to me this week, she said it to me in anice kind of way, meaning well.
but it really really got my heckles up
and i didnt really know how to responed, i think i said somehting like i am grateful for what i have dd and dh but doesn't mean i'm not sad about baby orchid.

just think i could have responed clearer.

I dont respond to those sorts of comments white
I cant be arsed.
If I did I would say the sort of thing you did (well that would be the polite version)

I am amazed that people feel its ok to say it to us but feel no way about having a good old moan about their own children.

Somehow bereaved parents are expected to be saints.

Happy Birthday MIA x

Oh white (((hugs))) orange is right, it is best to just not respond. It never ceases to amaze me, the insensitive BS that is bandied around. I think probably the worst I had, was a woman telling me that 'it was probably for the best'... best for who? My friend died of a brain tumour months before, and no one told her DH that it was 'probably for the best' - and nor would they... as it could never be so, nor would anyone say such a abhorrent thing. Yet it was fine to say to me, that my perfectly healthy baby, who was failed by my body, was not significant, that her life wasn't worth anything...

Of course we can count our blessings, but there is no way - even Pollyanna, could look on the bright side, if you lose a child xx

mrsd yeah we are expected to be saints, we always have to be understanding about how other people feel
as if we should swallow are own feelings to spare others

tami, so sorry that some idiot told you it was for the best, what an idiotic untrue thing to say, you are so right noone would say that to someone that had lost a husband say.
nor would anyone who lost a husband be told to be grateful for what they do have, just don't know why people think its ok to say those things to us.

ive also been told not to be morbid[mum again] and best not to dwell on things [a normally sensible friend]
and if i have another baby it won't be as bad if that one dies wtaf
another normally sensible and nice friend
actually i could list off alload more really but perhaps i'd better stop before i wind myself up

Everyone here, all my friends, thank you so much for your love today. I have been brought to tears by you all. It has been a beautiful day, sunshine and laughter, love and friendship. And sadness, of course, but the greatest feeling I had today was that I felt blessed - by having the enormous and amazing privilege of having had Mia in our lives, but also for the wonderful friendship which has been shown to us, yet again. xx

Tami, you were right to mention Tamsin. I remember hearing news of babies who had died before I lost Sylvie-Rose, and I would feel sad but never actually lost any sleep thinking it would happen to me.

white, people do come out with platitudes. My own Mum is the queen of the platitude! I think people try to find the silver lining for you but there are times that I feel like saying "For every silver lining, there's still a fucking cloud!"
I am usually too polite though!

Mias, I'm glad the day went well. I know Mia will have been with you through it, giving you strength xx

white I think you were very polite. chip You too!! I would probably give such a person, regardless of who they were, a hard Paddington stare, and say "I'm sorry, that comment REALLY isn't useful" or maybe "If you can't say anything nice, please don't say anything at all" or simply a withering "You have no idea, do you?"

Tami I don't think you could have said anything else to your pregnant friend. Tamsin should not be hidden away, never. It sounds like she was able to deal with it all quite calmly, and wasn't offended though, although I am sure she felt so sad for you.

Happy Birthday, Mia! Thought of you today. :)

I don't respond to comments like that, either, white or, like MAM, say, 'That was a really hurtful/insensitive thing to say.'. We get a lot of 'but at least you have two other children'. Thanks for that. Also had one lady ring me and say she didn't come to the cemetary because she had a 9-year-old child, too. Thanks for that. I hadn't even noticed who was there.

Went to reel/ceilidh night with R. Had such a good time, danced wonderfully. Only one person didn't know and said, 'Didn't you have two?' I said, Yes, still have, but that A had died of leukaemia in July. Poor lady was mortified and apologised.

thanks for your advice, perhaps i should try to toughen up a bit more, instead of letting people get away with saying hurtful things to me.

expat glad you went to the dance. that must have been very bittersweet
i think you did really well to go

that comment by mrs devere really struck a cord with me.. bereaved parents are supposed to be saints

so true.. dont talk about your child who is not here, dont cry in my presence, dont have pictures of your child in your home (for those who had their child beyond new born how could you not?)
Remember that other pregnant women dont want to hear what might happen

can you tell i'm in annoyed mode at the moment

Oh, we have pictures of A everywhere and of her hand and feet prints taken at the funeral home, a bookcase with her art and schoolwork, her jewellery, pictures of her in both the kids' rooms, watch video clips she made of herself and others have of her, etc.

She is still their sister, and as her next youngest sibling was 6.5 when she died, they had a lot of memories together.

She's still part of our lives, she's still our daughter and sister, forever.

Anyone who has a problem with that won't be in our lives.

expat, that woman who wouldn't come to the cemetery! What, its catching is it?
And fm, there is this perception about that pregnant women should not be upset so best not tell them your baby died. Even though their baby is still alive and we're the ones with empty arms.....

I didn't know what to say to that, chip, but that's how I felt. Especially because there were 4 people there who buried their own children and many more with children who were her age or other children.

Yeah, it's catching.

But, it is along the line of not telling pregnant women.

Childhood death is a taboo.

I think that's quite true expat. I do think people are uncomfortable, not just because they are sad for you, but also they fear that it may be catching. If it can happen to someone they know, it makes it more real, and there is the possibility that it could happen to them.

I don't believe that I've ever really been like that myself. My first experience with child death, was when my cousin died at 6 (I was 11 at the time). I don't remember the aftermath of his death so much, but I do remember his sister crying (she stayed with us, when his parents were in hospital).

I had a friend whose second son was stillborn, a year before DS was born. I wasn't scared that it may happen to me, on the contrary, she was a wonderful comfort, and strongly advocated going to the hospital with every tiny niggle. Still, knowing about monitoring movements didn't make me immune :(

That said, I'd never visited this part of MN before Tamsin died. I'm not sure if I was even aware of it's existence. That wasn't because I thought bereavement was catching though.

I've been on threads - not so much on MN, but more on it's 'rival' site (which I don't go to now), and had the most heated (almost) arguments with other women, when advising other pregnant women to go to hospital immediately with reduced movements. I have been accused of 'scare-mongering', and had people tell me that "my midwife says..." and it gets me, it really does. To be honest I'd rather be scared and seek out advice sooner, rather than listen to soothing reassurances and go too late.

I think that losing a child is so scary, so very scary, that people would rather hide away from it... pretend it doesn't happen. And if it does, to someone they know, they'd rather not think about it. They also want to know it's survivable.

My mum noticed that on FB some people don't comment on posts where I maybe say how I'm really feeling, yet do when something is upbeat.

Yet so many people get upset at watching documentaries about dying children. My (probably rubbish) theory is, to them it's the same as watching a horror movie, they get to 'test out' their emotions, in a safe way. Damned different if someone they know experiences it though, then empathy weariness soon sets in xx

'My mum noticed that on FB some people don't comment on posts where I maybe say how I'm really feeling, yet do when something is upbeat.'

Most of those people have now been deleted from my friends list. Because they aren't friends.

"Yet so many people get upset at watching documentaries about dying children. My (probably rubbish) theory is, to them it's the same as watching a horror movie, they get to 'test out' their emotions, in a safe way. Damned different if someone they know experiences it though, then empathy weariness soon sets in"

100% spot on and correct

I have a friend that I want to delete. She didn't contact me after Sylvie-Rose died. But.. I have heard rumours she is in an abusive marriage and if it all goes tits up I still want to be there if she needs me. That probably makes me a total mug, doesn't it?

chip not a mug, just a generous spirit. tami 100% right about people feeling it is 'catching.' Despite having such a special day for Mia's birthday yesterday, I am hurt and upset by a few people who, while they made the effort to contact us, yet they couldn't actually mention Mia's name. What is that about??

Mias, it is strange, isn't it? As though, even in this age you mustn't speak the name of the dead.
Therere are times I feel like saying, "Her name is Sylvie-Rose, not You-Know-Who or She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."