MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Hello Hokey

I'm ok, thats as much as I can say. I'm finding it really hard, James' girlfriend and one of his best friends are off to uni on thursday. I'm so excited for them both, next chapter in their lives and all that but it feels as though they are leaving him behind. They are moving forward with all the anticipation and excitement that brings.

The big news story last month was hard as well, Hannah Smith in Luttterworth hung herself after being bullied online. Her sister found her after she done it. Too many parallels with us, I cried so much again.

I still have days where I don't belive that James is dead, that he did something so stupid and left us. I don't understand any better now than I did 14 months ago. I don't think that I ever will.

James dying was dreadful (understatement there) but its living without him that is the hard bit. Its getting up every morning and getting on with living. It is meeting people and them asking 'how are you now?' I want to say that I'm struggling and grieving but that isn't what they want to hear now is it? So I say 'getting there' Where am I getting to though?

How is this my life? How is this where we now live? How can he not be here?

hi mumof2teenboys,

I have only just found and read your thread. I have absolutely no words to make this post even worth posting really.
But i have sat here and read your life and what's happened in the last twelve months, and just want you to know that I have read it, and my heart is so sore for you. I wish i could help you in some way, but want you to know that I am thinking about you. I am so sorry, and if there were something i could do or say i would do it.
In 1999, a bloke i knew of 21 died suddenly, on the 9th July, and this year i was especially thinking of him. Where had the time gone.
I wasn't close to him, but knew his family. That's my only true experience of young people coming together in grief and shock.

I just wanted to say hi really. xxxx

Hey Michelle, good to hear from you.

Glad to hear you are doing ok, ok is ok and better than not ok i guess.

It must be hard to see James' peers going off to do the stuff that he should be doing now and must feel like they are leaving him behind and it must make you very sad and angry i would imagine. FWIW they have always sounds like a lovely bunch of young people and i bet they all carry James with them, even whilst moving forward.

As you know my brother hung himself and i still don't understand, i don't understand how he could feel so bleak and not reach out for help, how he could do something that has left so many more questions than answers, how he could just go without me saying all the things i should have said to him whilst he was alive. It makes me so very angry and so very sad all at the same time and i think it always will. I can only imagine how much stronger these feelings are in you. I guess the only answer is that you find a way to carry on and cope with it in your own way.

I am sure most people have the best intentions and want you to say you're doing ok and getting on with things, not that your heart is broken and you struggle everyday but i guess they feel that they should say something but don't understand what an honest answer to that question would be.

You are often in my thoughts and i always check the thread in case you feel like posting.

Sending love and strength as always xxx