MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Things are not good here. Moon and I have agreed to split up, things between us are impossible. I don't understand his thought processes and he certainly doesn't understand mine.

We had friends over last night and after they left things were said and none of them can be taken back. I have spent all week trying to be more cheerful and positive. Moon has been struggling with my misery and grief so I have tried really hard all week.

He has managed to catch this horrible cold and I think is growing a chest infection. He picked me up from work, we nipped to the supermarket and he was very quiet. I got quite panicky and shaky about this. I am struggling with anxiety atm.

After our friends had gone, I tried to explain that I felt as though I had been trying all week but he was still grumpy and short with me. I don't know what else to do and how else to make him happy.

Very unhappy this morning, I haven't slept all night. how do I tell Sam that things are about to change again and not for the better?

Oh Michelle, i am so sorry to hear that.

Have you thought about counselling again? I am no expert but surely things will only improve with you and Moon once you are coping better?

Are you still going to work?

When is James' birthday? I know you said his friends wanted to do something to mark the day.

Your post has really made me cry, i wish i could give you a big hug.

I am sure Sam can see that things are not right and he just wants what is best for you. xxxxxxxx

I can't face counselling, if the counsellor had lost a child to suicide I might be able to relate with/to her. She is lovely but she doesn't even have children so cannot relate to my grief.

I am at work every day, I come home and do all the housework, cooking, laundry and the bulk of the food shopping on my own. I am trying to keep the house clean and tidy, I am keeping on top of the day-to-day stuff but it doesn't seem to be enough. I am not sleeping very well, I am fighting the grief and exhaustion all the time. I don't have enough energy to cope with anything else.

James' birthday is in 4 weeks, everyone has decided what they want to do, we are going to release chinese latterns in his favourite park and then go and have a couple of drinks for him. He wasn't a person who enjoyed a fuss on his birthday, so low-key seems appropriate.

I want things to go back to how they were, I want things to feel right again. I want our old lives back.

Thinking of you this morning Michelle. You know i pm'd you and there are people out there who may be better placed than your counsellor to understand what you are going through.

Do you have anyone in rl who knows how you really feel, a good friend?

It's must be hard for Moon to see you in so much pain and feeling so helpless, not knowing how to help you and at the same time missing James himself.

I can't imagine how you ache for time to go back, to change what has happened and bring your lovely James back, i wish i had a magic wand.

The chinese lanterns sound lovely, as do James' friends.

Always here when you want to post.

Michelle, your last posts... oh my, you break my heart. No-one deserves this, no wonder you want your life back.

Listen to everlong and hokey, they truly both have your best interests at heart. I also really hope that you and Moon can work things out, you are both struggling, in different ways.

Can you not ask for compassionate leave from work? There is not an expiry period for grief. Even if you could reduce your hours temporarily, just to give you some breathing space, some space for you and James, it might be helpful to you.

In my thoughts today.

We are going to try and make things work, we do love each other and have been through so much in the past; this is just one more obstacle to navigate. (although its the biggest and hardest one ever)

I think that I am partly (mostly?) to blame, I want everyone around me to feel exactly as I do. That is not likely to happen, I don't feel exactly the same as other people so how can they feel the way I do.

I have been reading Mias posts and she is so strong and inspirational, I need to be kinder and more forgiving of myself I think. I'm trying too hard to be 'ok' I need to be more honest with the people around me and let myself lean on others if I need to.

Once again, thank you ladies, your support is so very important to me.

Michelle xxx

I am so so sorry. Words can't express xx

So sorry. X

I just read all your posts and had to just say I'm thinking of you.

You're right about no one being able to understand unless they've lost a child to suicide. I know a lot lose children tragically or through health reasons but suicide is different. I imagine the frustration is immense. Why couldn't you stop it? But really how could you? Your son, James lived his life in the moment. Some of those moments were fantastic. He'll have felt exhilarated and full of life. Had laughs and fun with you all and his friends. He was very special and yes, different. You noticed this at his birth. He did have reason. You may sometimes feel it was a waste of life to go so young but look what he brought. How many he touched. It is horrendous. It is wrong. It is a huge scar that you cannot seem to heal right now? Nor should you. That scar will change though and turn into a constant reminder of him but hopefully be bearable? Life won't be the same again but you can mould a different life with you, Moon and Sam.

His energy is still around. You'll feel him or hear him in a song or words said. His force was too strong to be extinguished.

Be kind to yourself. Perhaps, if you don't already, start a creative project? Express yourself this way? He'd like that I bet?

You are such a great mother and it does shine through your posts.

There was nothing you could've done. An individual like James does what he wants, answers to no one. He lived life in the moment.

Michelle, i am so pleased to hear you and Moon are going to try to work through this, i hope you get there.

You're not to blame for any of this. Your world has been blown apart, everything has changed. It's must be so hard to see people going about their lives and people grieving in different ways to you, when you feel such devastation and miss James with all your strength.

Although it must feel like a lifetime when you miss him so much it has not been very long since you lost James at all, i can't imagine anyone expects you to be "ok".

Don't be so hard on yourself, i hope you have lots of friends you can lean on and cry to when you need to. Would what Mia'smummy said work, could you take some more time off work or does it help to be occupied during the day?

I'm sure you have a long road ahead of you, one step at a time, give yourself a break.

Sending much love and strength as always x

Michelle, your last post about you and Moon staying together, and your reasons for doing so, gave me a huge sense of relief.

And as hocuspocus said, your world has been taken away from under you, and has become such a frightening, unfamiliar place without James. No wonder you want to wrest control back, in whatever shape that takes, even though it is obviously taking its toll on you.

I do not feel at all I am strong - but thank you. I rely so much on others here for their wisdom and courage, such as everlong and many of the women on the bereaved mothers' thread. And I have been fortunate that RL friends have been willing to understand and support me too. I do hope you have similar friends with whom you can be honest. Mostly though, I just allow myself to feel. I can't keep it in, unlike so many others, which might be considered a weakness, but that is who I am. I do find writing on MN a tremendous solace, not only for the kindness I receive, but also as a way to address and work through of my feelings.

We have no choice in the path that we are now on. I suspect that you are like me, even though you are confused and sad now, that you will choose to remember and rejoice and live in James' love, because it remains so very strong within you. Everyone here can see that.

There are no rules in grief. What you feel is true. But be gentle on yourself. As one of the lovely and incredible women on the bereaved mothers' thread says - One breath at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.

Michelle

My little boy died in March. The first thing I read in one of my many many grief books, was that women and men grieve differently, there is no right or wrong way, and that for couples to be able to get through it together, they need to realise that there are differences and be accommodating of them. Easier said than done.

In the very early days, I completely fell to pieces and my husband picked up everything and took over, he was amazing. I have only seen him cry once, he prefers to do this in private. I spent most of my time howling, and he would come in and comfort me, but then he would start saying all this stuff, and his thought processes were so different to mine that I started to get really angry, and argue with him because I just didn't see it as he did.

We had a good chat and decided that we would try and respect the others opinion and listen to it, but not necessarily agree with it. Still now, 7 months later, we are very different. I cry a lot, especially in the evenings, and now he doesn't even come in and see me, because what else is there to say, we have been over it 1000s of times before. I try and respect that he finds my lack of hope and joy very hard when he is more of a positive nature.

Our relationship in general is fine, and I am sure that we will be able to work through it and stay together, but its just so overwhelming isn't it. To me, it seems a myth in some cases that the loss of a child pulls you closer together, I don't think in my case it has. If you both grieve in the same way then fine, but not everyone does. I have been surprised in the way I have dealt with it, its not how I would have expected I would behave in this situation, but it is what it is.

I think you are so right that you need to give yourself a bit of a break, you are dealing with something that is so horrendous that the best we can do is navigate it as well as we can. I expect people to feel the same as me, and when they don't I get really angry. There are some people in my family that I can't bare to even see, because it pains me that they are just getting on as normal, that he meant so little to them that they don't even think of him. I know rationally this isn't the case and they are probably grieving in their own way, but its not my way and I don't understand it.

Anyway, I am rabbiting on, but just wanted to say that I understand how you feel, and I think you are much stronger than you think you are.

xxxxx

I went to the doctors at Moons' insistence yesterday. I haven't slept through the night once since James died. We both think that this is not helping my low mood and feelings of exhaustion.

The doctor was lovely, gave me some sleeping tablets and a low dose of anti-anxiety meds ( I was given these at a higher dosage but didn't take them) I took a sleeping pill before bed and did manage about 6 hours uninterupted sleep. I have started taking the other meds this morning, will see what happens.

The dodtor also gave me the contact details for another type of counsellor, this one is more psychological in basis. I'm not too sure about this, but am willing to give anything a try.

I also have a sicknote to hand in , it covers me for upto a month, I don't want to use it all all, but gives me a bit of space.

So hopefully baby steps forward.

Positive steps, I think. And definitely some much-needed breathing space for you. Having some decent sleep will make a difference.

How are you doing Michelle?

I hope you had some more decent sleep last night, that can only help.

The doctor sounds like they were supportive and helpful.

I hope your work are understanding and you have had the day off, hopefully just having some space to breath and just be will help.

It does sound like positive steps baby steps.

Sending love and strength as always x

It is James' 23rd birthday today. I don't know how to get through today. We are meeting friends this evening to set off latterns to send him our hugs and kisses.

I love you my beautiful boy, you should be here. Its all so wrong.

Morning Michelle, you have been in my thoughts often and i always check the thread in case you have posted.

On Saturday it was dh's best friends birthday, the first since he died. We met with his family and some other friends, had a meal and remembered him in happy times.

On reflection they were all very pleased we had done something to mark the day.

The lanterns sound lovely, i hope you will feel as they do that it was right to mark James' day.

Sending you much love and strength and thinking of James on his birthday.

Hi, I lost a close family member to suicide in the Summer. There is an organisation that may help. They understand that this is not like any other kind of bereavement. Here is the link.

www.uk-sobs.org.uk/

Michelle, I am so sorry I missed your post yesterday about James's birthday. A very tough milestone for you.

What did you end up doing? I seem to remember that his friends had plans for the day, did you join in, or was it simply too hard?

I do hope you were able to remember all the beautiful moments he gave you, and smiled at funny incidents, as well as cry...

Haven't posted for ages, just been plodding along and trying to get on with things.

His birthday was good, it was nice to do something positive and fun for him.

Sam dreamt about him monday night, I don't think it was the first time but it was the first one he has told me about. I think that he is struggling with things, he misses him so much.

I'm crying a lot again, I miss him so much, the pain is worse than it has been for a while.

I'm sure it is because christmas is around the corner, I usually love getting ready for christmas, but the only person who really liked my christmas cake isn't here to eat it, whats the point of making one? What's the point of putting the tree up and pretending things are normal? Sam and Moon aren't bothered either, if I could go to bed and wake up on the 1st of January I would.

I miss my beautiful boy, I miss his smile, I miss his laughter, I miss his tears. I just miss him.

oh Michelle.

Christmas is hard, your first Christmas without James is always going to be especially sad. It's just another time of year but somehow it creeps under your skin and you can't help but miss them that little bit more.

Just do what you must to get through it. There's no right or wrong way, just a way that helps you.

I took Oliver a little Christmas tree down to him yesterday. I couldn't help but cry. So so wrong. I hope our boys are together

Much love to you xxx