MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Mia

You didn't upset me, please don't think that you did. I have been worrying about the inquest for weeks. It was receiving the paperwork that tipped me over the edge iyswim.

Everything you said about the inquest is true, I know that the official people will be lovely and considerate, but its hearing everything being said by strangers that upsets me the most. No matter how kind and gentle they are, they are still strangers who don't know us and certainly didn't know James.

Part of me feels that I have to go, that I 'owe' it to James to be there, but a bigger part of me wants to run away, hide in the cupboard and not come out until its all over. The cowardly part has the upper hand atm.

Thank you once again ladies, you make an awful situation slightly less awful. You have been my extended support network over the last 11 weeks. I couldn't have got though this without all your posts, love and thoughts.

Michelle, totally understand your feelings about the impersonal nature of an inquest. We have been sent all kinds of medical reports about Mia which I haven't read. Like you, I want to remember her as the vibrant, gorgeous little person I love. But I hope you realise this - The inquest will not change your love for James. How could it? It is just a legal procedure. Whether you are there or not, you will always know the truth and depth of your feelings about James.

I am not sure if you want us to encourage you to attend his inquest or not. Certainly, we are here to listen to your fears, which are totally natural. Whatever you decide will be right for you - whether to go, attend the parts you can, or not go along at all. We will be here to support you.

MiaAlexandrasmummy, i never saw your original thread, i am aware of the thread that you and some other mums share to support each other. I'm afraid to say i only managed to read the first couple of posts on it before i broke down and cried. May i just take this time to say how sorry i am for the loss of your beautiful girl. It is amazing that mum's in your situation have the strength to come on here and support other mums

Michelle as long as posting here helps you we'll always be here to listen. Do Moon or Sam feel like they should go to the inquest?

Losing your child is the worst thing to ever happen, and if I can do anything to help ease mumof's pain, I will only be too glad to do so. It is just a terrible place to be. So many lovely people on MN have helped, and continue to help me, so it feels very natural to try and pass on that kindness.

Michelle, so will any of you go along to the inquest? Or is there a friend you trust who could represent you all, if you feel that there needs to be some sort of family presence? But you don't need to. Like I said previously, it is a legal formality, and it can't change anything for you.

But how I wish I could help fix that deep need, that terrible ache you have to see James again. I am not sure it will ever disappear for me. It does lessen though, as acceptance grows, as you gradually realise that your love will never change. I cling to the notion that we will see them again one day, even if that wait seems unbearably long. It's not enough to really console me, but it is all we have...

Guilt at feeling any sort of enjoyment is very, very natural. But when I think of all you have told us about James, and how his friends are determined to live life to the fullest in his memory, then it seems right that you should try to do the same. He would not want unhappiness and guilt to be his legacy. That's not to say it is easy. I hear your fear about Sam too. Again, very natural.

As another bereaved mother says, we are left with a lifetime of loss. But we have no choice but to move forward, taking our children's love with us. My aunt gave me some beautiful words, which I'd like to share with you (and hope I haven't already done so) One breath at a time. Give yourself time. Not to get over this loss because you will always grieve but to somehow weave his beauty, his love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love.

Miasmummy has said it all i think, give yourself time Michelle, it is still so soon.

I cannot imagine there can be any wrong or right in your situation, you have to grieve for your James in the way you need to, you cannot put a time limit on that.

I can only try and imagine how angry you are, as i mentioned my brother took his life the same way as James and i want answers to my questions, why, why, could you not see any other way, i am so angry with him that i will never know what in the world he was thinking.

Am sure this week must be even harder with the inquest looming on Wednesday.

We're still here for you xx

Michelle, thinking of James and your whole family at the moment, with tomorrow looming over you all. Sending you love and light. xx

Morning Michelle, just wanted to let you know you are all in my thoughts today. Thinking of you, James, Moon and Sam x

Thank you for thinking of us.

I can't stop crying this morning. I know that this is just a formality but it feels so 'final' This is the last time James will figure in a legal sense. Why does that bother me so much? It isn't as though the inquest is suddenly going to give us answers or a reason.

James I love you so much. It hurts without you here. We all miss you so much.

Holding your hand, Michelle, and sending big hugs to you, Moon and Sam.

James lives on in all the important ways - he lives forever in the hearts and minds of those who know and love him.

Ah Michelle - let yourself cry. As far as going to the inquest is concerned, as you have said, you know what happened - the nitty gritty of it isn't going to make any difference to you or James so there's no need for you to put yourself through it if you don't feel up to it.

I think you're feelings about other things are likely to change slowly - it's still not that long since James left you - but Moon needs to give you space as well to let you come around to living life more fully again.

I hope that you have resumed the counselling because I think that it will help you to move forward in the grieving process - while there is no set time period for anyone to grieve, if you feel at all like you're getting "stuck", then help may be necessary for you. Ditto Moon and Sam.

I wish that I could say something more useful to you but in reality, there isn't much - I wish I could give you a big hug too but it wouldn't be the one you need. Love and strength to you for today. xxx

Just writing to say that I am thinking of you. xx

Thinking of you Michelle x

You're in my thoughts today x

Michelle, also wondering how you are, and just thinking about you. James' inquest is well and truly passed now. Whether you attended or not, I hope that the knowledge that it is behind you is affording you some peace, in some way, although perhaps that sounds trite. Just when 'big days' like this are over, there can be a sense of relief.

Thinking of your gorgeous son, and the mother who loves him until the end of time.

Thank you all for thinking of us. James' inquest was exactly what we expected. He took his own life.

We got his journal back through the post last saturday. That hurt; his writings are so poignant, self-aware and desperate. He talks about bi-polar and insomnia so clearly and honestly. (he had suffered from insomnia on-and-off for years) There are funny comments and observations all through the journal. It is like hearing him talk, he wrote the way he talked. He was aware that his illness was killing him, he didn't want to live like that, he says that 'I don't want to live this life, it is a roller coaster I wish to get off' (exact qoute)

That is probably the singularly most painful thing I have ever or will ever read. My boy wanted to die, I have read it in his own words.

I picked his death certificate up on wednesday, wasn't expecting it to cost me four pounds. It was just as well that I had my purse with me, I had only nipped out of work on my lunchbreak. I didn't make the connection until later, it was exactly three months to the day since he died. I got really upset when I realised that.

His friends are beginning to look towards his birthday, they want to know what to do to mark the day. I understand that they want to do something but I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, its lovely and touching that they want our input. On the other hand, I don't know if I can 'do' the day. I don't know how I feel about it.

So, things are plodding along, good days and bad, seems like more bad than good at the moment.

I am so sorry to read of your loss. I felt very close to tears as I read through and cannot imagine what you have been through. I visited James's Rethink site - he sounds amazing. Take care.

Oh Michelle, i can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to read James' most private thoughts.

Seeing it in black and white must be heartbreaking.

It sounds like he has wonderful friends and that they want to do something to mark his birthday shows just how much he means to them. I am sure they will understand if you don't feel able to be part of it though.

I hope things with Moon are ok and Sam is doing well. x

Michelle, your last post was so raw and painful. It must have been so hard to read James' diary - yet so very necessary too. I hope though, that this new knowledge isn't causing you to have more questions.

It's the stupid factual details that hurt - completely understand your shock about cost of the death certificate. I was surprised to learn that we only managed to wangle a room with a kettle at Mia's inquest next week because I am pregnant. Thoughtless mundanities, which could be treated so much more respectfully with just a little care.

Do look after yourself, Moon and Sam. In whatever form that takes. xx

I'm broken, I hurt so much that I am barely functioning. I can just about manage day-to-day things, going to work, doing the shopping, etc. Anything else floors me.

I cry everyday, there isn't a day that passes without me crying over something. Mostly its James, but can be anything.

I don't want to go out, or see people. Its too painful to be around people who aren't grieving. I want to hate people who are laughing and happy. I want to scream and shout about how unfair everything is, but I know that it would be irrational and pointless. So I bottle it all up and keep pretending to the world that I am coping and that I am getting on with things.

People have commented on how strong I am and how 'well' I am doing. All I can think is you don't see inside my head. I am a mess, I feel like a failure.

I let James down and now I'm letting Moon and Sam down.

It's easy to "function" on the surface. People do only want to 'see' that, and feel that you are coping, because otherwise, they don't really know what to do. They certainly find it hard to help, despite the best intentions, because our experiences scare them. Bad things do happen.

I still cry most days - in shops, at home, with friends, alone... it is just part of me, and a way to honour my love. That is exactly what you are doing for James. Don't take it as a measure of weakness, or not coping. My husband calls tears "liquid love", and he is exactly right.

Being irrational is perfectly understandable. In any normal world, your circumstances, living beyond your son, is irrational. However, if I can suggest, it isn't good to bottle it all up. Perhaps it is time to revisit your counsellor and find some ways to work through these feelings?

But please, please - of course you aren't failing James. You have his diaries, you know how self-aware he was. He was in the grip of a terrible illness, one which distorted his view on life. Neither you, your family, or even James himself is to blame. He was just desperately unlucky.

Dear Mumof

I do not have any children of my own so I can only imagine how hard it is for anyone to lose a child and in particular in such a way , but I do send you good thoughts . Twelve years ago, my sisters and I buried my mother and at the graveside was one of her friends. Some weeks earlier, her grandson had found his father lying beside an oven, having gassed himself. As this happened in France, I believe the reason why this lady rushed forward to throw some soil into my mother's grave was because she had been unable to say goodbye to her own son. You were able to take James' ashes to Brighton to scatter them.
None of us have any control of when we come into the world or how we leave it, but it's the living in between that costs. What you say about James makes me think he was a fine young man and Sam seems to be following suit. It is really hard dealing with a death in the family but you will all find a way of being able to cope with it, maybe not today, next week, next year but when you feel ready. It's 45 years since my father died and I still cry sometimes if I think about him. Sometimes it's just a case of getting through the next 5 minutes Clare

Oh Michelle, sending you such love.

I can't imagine Moon or Sam feel let down by you. You are not a failure, you are a mum trying her best to cope with life in the most unbearable of situations.

That you are carrying on one day at a time shows how strong you are, you are doing it in spite of the fact you are grieving for your darling boy.

Always here when you feel the need to post xx

Oh my goodness, words cannot possibly describe the utter sorrow and depth of devastation that I feel for you, Michelle, I can't begin to imagine the pain. I've read most of this thread and cannot comprehend what you and some of the other posters have been through. Samba - what an utter tragedy you have been through, I have literally sat here sobbing, I wish there was some sort of miracle grief cure that could just mend your hearts but I know they'd only mend if you had your babies back. Tonight I was really annoyed with my older boys because they'd been mean and selfish to their younger brother. I wasn't going to give them their 'Saturday sweets' as a punishment. I read this thread and gave them their sweets. I wish you all the strength in the world, my heart goes out to you all, I just hope that this life isn't all there is and that one day it all makes sense. God bless you xxx