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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

MY son died

778 replies

mumof2teenboys · 04/07/2012 04:13

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

OP posts:
foofooyeah · 06/12/2012 14:47

Michele. II hope you manage to get through christmas somehow. It wont be the same but maybe use it as a time to remember what he enjoyed about it, and try to hold on to those bits for his sake.

Its so hard and so sad.

And please buy yourself a present from James x

SaintVera · 06/12/2012 15:27

mumof2, I have been reading and crying over your posts since my beautiful 16-year-old son Sean died a few days after your darling James on 9th July.

I am so sorry. I am also finding myself feeling terribly depressed and tearful at the moment. Life is a struggle. As kind people have reminded us, these are very, very early days in this grief.

I struggled to put the Christmas tree up, but I did and my younger son decorated it last night. I feel better that it is up, than just sitting in a box in the attic. Some things are such an effort, but worth it when they are done. I hope you find the energy to do a few nice things for yourself and your family this Christmas but be kind to yourself if you don't xxx

RatherBeOnThePiste · 08/12/2012 15:07

Am thinking so much about you mumof2, and sending you my love.

Big hugs

Pistey Xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 12/12/2012 05:52

Michelle, don't feel obliged to "do" Christmas if it doesn't feel right for you, Moon and Sam. I am sure well-meaning friends and family will encourage you to keep to your "normal" traditions, but without James, it can never be normal - and sounds like an unnecessary emotional hurdle for you all. Have you spoken with Moon and Sam about It, and what they might prefer to do instead? Escaping Christmas is perfectly acceptable. That's what we did last year. I couldn't have managed otherwise. Xx

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 12/12/2012 09:11

Mias

We have spoken about it, Sam doesn't seem to be bothered about tree, decorations, mince pies etc. Both him and Moon have said that they want to have a nice dinner on the day. Moon has suggested that we ask his mum to cook something (they are Indian so it wouldn't be christmassy) She is a fabulous cook so I'm leaning towards that option.

If I could go to bed tonight and wake up on January 1st, I would be happy but it isn't going to happen. I just want the whole festive season to go away. I usually love wandering around the shops looking at the decorations etc but can't get any enthusiasm for it. I want this year to be over. I'm feeling so low atm, I keep dreaming about him and can't stop thinking about him. I don't understand why he isn't here. I don't understand why our love wasn't enough to save him, I don't understand why he didn't talk to us. I miss him more now than I did when he first died. I want my our old life back, I hate this one.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/12/2012 09:16

Michelle, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 12/12/2012 09:19

Thanks expat, I often think of you and your family. It's shit isn't it? This life we how have, not the one we want or deserve. All my thoughts and love to you xx

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/12/2012 10:23

Yes, I think it's pretty shit now. And I'm paranoid it might get even more shit. I'm a magnet for shit.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 12/12/2012 16:28

I get that bit about being paranoid about it happening again expat it's a horrible feeling.

I used to think my bad shit was losing my mother aged 4 and sort of never expected any more bad luck. How wrong could I have been!

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 25/12/2012 07:24

So sad this morning.

Sam has spent his time off from work in the pub, staying at mates' houses, anywhere rather than here.

He says that we aren't a family anymore, that we don't talk to each other, just shout Sad
I did try to explain that Moon and I are always here, we eat together every evening, we sit in front of the TV every evening, Sam is the one excluding himself from us.

I do shout at him when he doesn't come home all night and doesn't let me know where he is staying. I don't have a problem with him staying out, just want him to tell me that is what he is doing. I worry about him, but I'm trying not to smother him with my worries and fears. I'm trying to let him be a 'normal' 20 year old.

What do I do? It feels as though I have lost both my boys, one has gone somewhere I can't get him back from and the other one doesn't want to be part of our broken family.

I want today to be over already, I can't stop thinking about christmasses past, lots of laughter, joy, excitement, good food and my family around me.

James, I love you my beautiful boy. Happy Christmas wherever you are xxx

OP posts:
HollyMadison · 26/12/2012 14:45

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain Mumof2teenboys. I am sending you love across the oceans. I hope Sam will be able to spend more time at home with you. Please take care xx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 09/01/2013 13:54

Hey Michelle, i'm sorry i missed your last post.

How are you and Moon doing?

Have you felt able to go back to work?

Have things with Sam got any better?

I think of you often and hope you are ok x

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 15/01/2013 09:09

Hi Hokey

It is so overwhelming when people post on here and ask me how I am. No-one really does that in real life.
I have been back at work since september, but got 'let go' just over a week ago. It wasn't really to do with me, just last in, first out type of thing.
It hasn't helped at all. Moon is now hyper-stressed about money and is not losing his temper just sighing and looking haunted.
Makes me feel like an even bigger failure, he has managed to get through this whole thing still holding down his job and being 'normal'
Sam has lost his job as well. I don't even know where to begin with that one.
Moon wants to sit down tonight and produce a spreadsheet so he knows how much he is going to have to pay out until I am working again.
I am so angry with James atm, I mean really incandescent with rage. How dare he do this, how are he be so fucking selfish. Didn't he ever think about the knock-on affect of his actions.
I honestly feel like running away. I am such a mess. I don't want this life, I want a new one. I haven't felt this low ever since he died.

OP posts:
carameldecaflatte · 15/01/2013 09:12

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sad

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 15/01/2013 14:16

Hey Michelle,

I guess people in real life are worried about the response they will get from anyone who has been bereaved when they ask how they are.

Sorry to hear about your job, you're not a failure, unfortunately it's the world we live in at the moment and no job is secure. I guess it wasn't just a job but a focus and a distraction for you too. I can imagine that the last thing you need is more pressure, i am sorry.

Sorry to hear about Sam too, is he spending more time at home or still at his girlfriends a lot?

Maybe Moon is not just stressed about money but worried about you and how you will cope being at home and not having that distraction?? Although sometimes don't you wish they'd just moan rather than having "that look" though i have been known to do it to dh, sure fire way to get my own way!

Did you manage to do the spreadsheet? I hope you have enough coming into cover your outgoings.

Anger is natural i'm sure, i know i have felt that since my brother took his life, i can only imagine how it feels for you.

Hoping today is a better day for you x

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 21/01/2013 08:47

Had an awful few days. It has been so cold here, James lived in a flat with electric storage heaters that he couldn't afford to run very much so he was always cold living there. All I have been able to think of was him being cold and miserable. I know he isn't cold anymore but I want him to be, because then he would still be here. How selfish is that? I want him to be miserable because at least he would be alive.

I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be a person who is grieving. I really don't want to carry on but I know that I have to and that pisses me off. I want my old life back, this one is just too hard. Sorry for being so negative.

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SaintVera · 21/01/2013 09:54

So sorry you are feeling dreadful mumof2. I can't offer hope, only empathy as I'm in that really miserable place too. Someone said somewhere that you just get sick of yourself feeling grief stricken. Last night, I sobbed to DH that I didn't want to live, over and over. I don't want to die either, I just feel that if a large meteorite appeared in the sky, I would be waving at it and shouting 'I'm over here. Please take me out'!

I was always trapped in the house in the snow with Sean because he couldn't walk well and hated being cold. His behaviour would get worse and worse, the longer we were trapped. I got hit a lot. It was always dreadful and lonely and unseen. I would have that misery back in a second, just to have my son back.

I wish we could both have our sons back xx

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 21/01/2013 10:34

Thats exactly how I feel, if an accident happened I would embrace it. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live.

I have followed your posts and never knew what to say. It just feels as if I am wading through treacle, I can't keep going, I am so very tired and heartsore.

OP posts:
SaintVera · 21/01/2013 10:48

At times like these, I can only cling onto the knowledge that grief comes in waves and this intensity will pass, as it has done before. That time will in some way lessen the vicious pain. That grief will always be with me but it will become a smaller presence one day. That other people have trodden the same path as us and got through. That the dawn will break eventually - please xxx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 21/01/2013 12:40

I am so sorry things are so awful for you, for both of you.

I hope, as SaintVera said that that dawn will break for you both x

expatinscotland · 21/01/2013 12:47

mum. ((())). Been very low here, too. Keep thinking about how this time last year, A was ill from the chemo, but after that she rebounded, and was well, well, as well as a person undergoing her treatment, could be from about Feb. till that transplant that killed her (so from Feb. to about May).

Sad And knowing that, no matter how good it gets, life will be tinged with sadness.

sazpops · 21/01/2013 13:30

Oh Michelle, you are being so hard on yourself. I've only just seen this thread, or I would have commented earlier. It's early days, your dear James has only been gone 6 months and you must expect your emotions to be all over the place. I lost my daughter (21) in a car accident 6 years ago and I still get periods where I am on the verge of tears for days at a time. You won't ever 'get over it' but you WILL learn to deal with it. I know how you feel when you say you don't want to live, as living is so painful, but you don't have an option - you still have Sam and Moon and you WILL have good times again. Not as carefree and wonderful as before maybe, but there will be giggles and fun in the future. It's not being disloyal to James to enjoy yourself.

I know that Christmas will have been a dreadful time for you, but soon it will be Spring, new buds will be appearing on the trees, the days will be getting lighter and you will hopefully be able to gain some pleasure from little things, like seeing the first daffodils. Just get throught the days my love and eventually you'll realise that you don't feel quite so bad, that the thump that hits you in the chest every morning when you wake up and remember what's happened isn't quite so strong.

Look after yourself,
xx

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 21/01/2013 15:51

sazpops

Thank you for your words, they are helpful, I know that I have to carry on and I will do. It's just so hard somedays to gather the strength to do so.

expat

I think of you and A all the time, I read your posts over christmas and wished that I was half as brave as you. I don't know how you found the strength to do everything that you did.

SaintVera

Thank you, just that really xx

OP posts:
NeitherShreddedNorSmug · 21/01/2013 16:00

mumof2 - no words of wisdom, but I wanted you to know I think of you often.

I'm so sorry to hear how tough it's been for you over Christmas and the New Year. (((())))

everlong · 21/01/2013 16:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.