''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

To be honest he wasn't living at home, he hasn't for a couple of years, he's been in a hostel (his choice, he wanted to be independent, and was 'angry' when living with others). He's been very happy where he is, so I think that coping with change is difficult.

I've missed him since we've not been together, really missed him. He will be just down the road from me, so (hopefully) I will see even more of him :) xx

Tami, you made me sound like I had shrunk two feet! Which would be a disaster for me! Poor ds1 but I think in a way it can help to learn to manage money at that age. My brother is 30 and still expects my mum to bail him out! But he has gotten used to her doing it and I think runs up debts knowing she will bail him out in an emergency. Your ds sounds much more sensible if a tad stressed.

Really need some advice, did anyone see their children (after?) We are still in the hospital and we have a memory box with their footprints and handprints, two tiny teddies, hospital tags, little lockets, measurement cards and photos. We haven't actually seen the babies yet ( we decided we didn't want to as they were being born) we have seen their pictures though and it was very shocking to see them like we did ( we weren't expecting their skin to be so bruised and transparent). All I keep thinking is that I should say goodbye to my babies, I don't want to regret not seeing them, but im not sure, I don't want them to think I don't love them and I Feel like I am being so selfish x any advice.

Kate My second DD was stillborn, at 37 weeks last year. It took 5 days to deliver her, so she was very macerated, her eyelids were worn off, she had marks around her neck where her cord tore off her skin etc.

I didn't want to look at her to start with, but I so, so glad I did. I took lots of photos of her, lots & lots (with my own camera) and am so happy about that.

Take your time lovely, but if you feel that you may regret it, then do see them. I wish I'd taken a photo of DD1 & DD2 together, but I didn't, and the problem with this is you only have this chance.

Can you see them, see how you feel, then maybe pick them up if you are able? Maybe ask for them in the same room, so you can take your time, you can go over and be with them.

I'm so sorry this is hard, but if you are feeling you may regret it, then it's maybe best to just have them in the room. Don't worry about the marks, you will be able to see through them. They are your babies, and they know you love them

I don't regret seeing Tamsin if that helps, I just wish I'd had more time xx

I saw both my sons after they had died...but my DTwinS was 7 months old and my DS3 was 7 years old. I didn't know what to do but eventually decided I had to go and see them. They still looked the same but different IYKWIM. It was obvious to me that their 'souls' the part that made them who they were had gone. It wasn't scary but it was surreal. I think it is a very personnal choice. Even if you decide you want to see them, even if you get to where they are and then change your mind that will be fine.

Hi kate, so sorry to hear about your boys.

I lost my daughter, Constance, when she was 2 days old on NYE 2011, she had been starved of oxygen due to blood clots in the placenta. I feel lucky that we had those 2 days (well, it was only 1 day with her really because they transferred her to another hospital the day she was born and couldn't transfer me until the following day because I'd had an EMCS), and when they took her off all the machines, we were able to hold her and she died in our arms.

You can only do what you think is right for you, but I would have really regretted not having pictures with her etc - I look at them all the time. I do believe though that it's better to regret things you have done, than things that you haven't. And there is no way they would think that you didn't love them with all your heart whatever you decide to do.

A friend of mine lost twin girls at 22 weeks 4 years ago, and she says now that she regrets not having any pictures of her holding them - she did see them though, and held them.

Feeling very low at the moment - in 3 weeks time I would have been returning to work from my maternity leave, and I guess it's the first 'anniversary' that I've had to deal with (apart from her due date etc, but that all passed in a blur because it was the day of her funeral).

Also, we went to see her at the chapel of rest when the funeral directors had brought her back from the hospital - I wanted to dress her in her own clothes (not the ones we dressed her in just before she died which we chose at the hospital), but I couldn't do it - DH did though. Although I couldn't dress her, I'm really glad that I saw her again.

Hi Kate, I saw my son, who was born at 39+5, and I felt very strange about seeing him and holding him. Luckily, a friend of mine was there with us and almost gave us no choice, she said we'd regret it if we didn't and she's right. We spent three days with him, and then left hospital, and my husband went back with his mum and my mum and I chose not to go. I regret that. Don't worry about the marks, you get used to them very quickly. But really there's absolutely no right or wrong, the only thing you can do is what feels right for you. I hope you don't find it too hard to make the decision. Love, strength and peace to you and your husband, and your lovely boys. x

Hope your son is ok, Tami, my sister had a wibble when she moved into her own place, it's very daunting.

Kate, it is hard but I think you are more likely to regret not seeing them than you would seeing them. I saw and held Sylvie-Rose a lot after she had died and I'm glad I did. I had dressed her up in the only dress and tights she ever wore and after that she was wrapped up in a blanket so I could just see her face.

Kate I'm so sorry that you lost your precious boys. I can't help you with whether to see your boys as it's so personal and my circumstances were different from yours. I just hope you come to a decision that you feel is right.x

Tami thank you for your comment about Jude. It made me smile and cry at the same time.xx

Kate I know they don't look quite as much as you expect them to be at that gestation. DD2 was 20 weeks but only measuring 17 weeks when she was born, so very tiny and very red. I did see her right after she was born and held her as well. If you feel like you need to say goodbye to them, please do! Can you ask for them to be brought in in a moses basket, so you don't feel like you need to hold them, but can if you want to?

Hi, me and my husband have now seen them. They are still in the room with us in a blue Moses basket together. The picture that we have of both of them (in the memory box) was a lot more scary than seeing them in person. They look so peaceful and me and my husband have held them took pictures with them and have been talking to them like they were still here. We have written a note to them both to have with them when the fd comes to take them and our two year old has drawn a picture for them as well. I am reticent to put pictures on here but they really are the most beautiful babies (although they are very red) and I hate that my body decided to do this to them.

I'm glad you did Kate it will be a memory to treasure forever of your beautiful twin boys! take care love, you've got a some difficult times ahead! x

Crying so much today, I've given myself such a headache.

It's my wedding anniversary tomorrow, and we're due to go for a meal tonight. I don't want to go. I don't want anything apart from to rewind back to before my life collapsed. I want my husband, my daughter, my son and I all to be together to celebrate.

Kate, your body didn't do this. tttt is just one of those dreadful things that can happen between twins. I know two ladies in RL that this happened to. One had a good outcome after a very rocky start and the other sadly didn't.I'm so glad you got to see them and to hold them, although it's not the way any of us would have ever wanted. And how lovely that they were snuggled together in the Moses basket.

Kate, I'm pleased for you that you are spending time with your boys. I hope you can create some positive memories - tell them about you, thier daddy and big sister. Play them music you love and read them a bedtime story. These memories are the only things I have keeping me going at the moment.

kate I'm so very sorry to hear about your twins Nathan and Stanley, such lovely names. I'm glad that you felt able to see your babies, we saw little B who we lost at 21+5 almost 7 weeks ago. We kept him with us at the hospital overnight and have many many photos and video (which I can't yet watch). I do look at and treasure the pictures. We brought him back to the house before his funeral and had pictures of all 5 of us together which I'm so very pleased about. I hope that you will be able in time to gain as much pleasure as I do from looking at your babies.

orion mia's and tami I'm glad that you get some release from writing and talking to your little ones. Thank you for sharing, glad it's not just me (cos I thought I might be going bonkers!) Can't really discuss this with my husband as I think that that's what he'd think too.

MrsY good luck tonight. Hope you feel up to going, if not, don't be hard on yourself.

Just a quick update from from phone, 18 months today since Scarlett died. I don't feel as bad as I thought but it's early yet and we've kept busy all day so far. Took the kids to the natural history museum which was an hour and a half away, great day though, they loved it.

Beautiful Scarlett. So many regrets. Lighting a candle for her xx

oh god Kate... this just brings back so many memories.. our little boy was stillborn 8 years ago .. i remember being scared to see him and hold and yet when he was born it seemed like the most natural thing in the world

If I may be really bold when you take piccies of your gorgeous sons and you... try to smile.. I know that sounds harsh and unfeeling.. I have lots of piccies of my little boy but I am really unhappy in all of them and my biggest regret of my life is that I dont have one of me smiling with my boy

take care of yourself sweetheart ...

Thinking of you cheese and Scarlett tonight xx