''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

MrsY I do have bipolar. I was on anti-depressants (from January) but came off them as I went too high. I then stopped taking my mood stabiliser (I know how naughty that is). I have re-started it, but I have to build the dose slowly. Antidepressants do send me too 'high', which I like, but my psychiatrist thinks is more dangerous.

It's also that we were told to wait 6 months before TTC (due to having a second caesarean & womb rupturing, should have been longer, but my age is against me). DH won't consider having more, in fact he said the other night that he is glad we only have one. I wonder if this realisation that I will never have a rainbow baby, coupled with the fact that no one has ever loved me enough to want to have babies with me, is making me so despondent

MrsY The movements thing is very odd. What I mean is, I was well aware of the importance of fetal monitoring. I had a friend whose son was stillborn in 1990. When pregnant with DS (21 yrs ago) I was at the hosptial constantly. With DD1 I went in when I didn't feel her move (which was a lot). With Tamsin, I never felt her movements strongly, but they were regular. I bled twice in late pregnancy, and went in each time. She moved mainly at night, and I'm sure I convinced myself she'd moved during the day... that DD1 was being so active that I hadn't noticed... I now think that I knew. I'm sure she'd died overnight, and even if I'd gone in the morning, she'd already have gone. I can't know that for sure, and that haunts me, but I'm pretty sure it's true. xx

Oh I see. I don't really know much about bipolar, but from your posts it did sound like how I felt when I was at my lowest. Hope your meds help soon, how much longer till your at the correct dose? I guess whether or not to have another child is such a big thing, and it's hard, because it's not aomething you can compromise on. I assume a rainbow baby is a baby conceived after a loss? (Never heard of that before).

Everyone keeps telling me I did everything right, but I know that they say that automatically to stop me from feeling bad. But I do feel bad. I know I failed him. I'll never get over that guilt. I don't think I could ever go through the emotions of pregnancy and labour again.

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day!
For all us beautiful Angel Mum's, I wish us all a gentle day! x

sending love and hugs to you all today.
MrsY, am so glad you came over and found these lovely ladies. Although all your friends are here for you on 'our Feb thread' and on FB we cannot fully understand what you have and will go through so I'm so pleased you are on here and hope you get the support you need. (((((hugs)))))

PS, your MIL sounds a piece of work.

Thank you Blue love the pic of you all snuggled on the sofa - even the cat!

Feeling a bit strange today. I bumped in to a mum of a little boy Katie used to do pre school gymnastics with last year. She was due her 2nd the same time I was due with Erin. Turned out her little boy came a bit early at 35 weeks on 23rd august - just 2 days before I went in to the same hospital and had Erin. They were in the nicu with her son the night Erin was born - apparently a cot had been all prepared for her and she said how all the mums in the nicu cried when the nurses came in later and said the cot wasn't needed because the little baby hadn't made it. That cot was meant for my Erin Just so strange to hear a different perspective on that that horrible night. Threw me a bit to see her little boy as well, just 2 days older than Erin should have been now, sat up in his pushchair gumming a ricecake and cheesy grinning to everyone. Jeez this is all so bloody hard.

How is everyone doing? x

wtw thanks :) it was a nice snooze!

It must indeed be strange to hear your story from another perspective. :(
We prayed in church for an angel baby and her family in church today, and it always throws me when I hear of other families having to go through the same :(
I prayed for all of us as well while I was bottle feeding my friend's little boy who is about 6 weeks younger than Sterre should have been.

what threw me today was my parents and parents-in-law were all at our house after church today, my parents on their way home and PILs and SIL coming from the wedding we missed yesterday and taking us out for lunch. They were talking about how many greatgrandchildren our grandparents have and they both forgot Sterre :(
Made me sad.
While my SIL was really nice and looking at the pics of DD1 and Sterre on the wall and saying to DD1 about the picture of Sterre, that's your baby sister. That was so nice.

Whatever How awful that must have been! So very sad to hear about Erin's cot, and must have been so poignant to see the little lad, and imagining what Erin would have been like xx

Blue Again - so very hard (or it would have been for me) to see a little one the same age as Sterre. Very brave of you to feed him. I understand what you mean about hearing of others, I always have a lump in my throat when there is a new grave, and there has been one baby a month, since Tamsin. So sorry about you PILs, it must have made you . So sweet of your SIL though xx

Evening everyone. Had a tough couple of days. All the girls came round for our regular pot luck dinner and one of them is pregnant and due in September. She had a tough first delivery and also had a mc at 10 weeks last pregnancy. She's pretty anxious and was asking about having a doula, how much money was too much, what to do about childcare, what if she can't bf again blah blah blah. I managed to do about ten minutes before going into another room where I sat quietly sobbing until another friend found me. We sat talking for a while, she looked at some photos of Benedict with me and we talked about options for the gravestone etc. I wouldn't expect this friend to not be excited, or talk about things, but she seemed to have no perception that just over a week ago, I burried my son, ffs! Then when I went back in the room, all the other girls found various ways of acknowledging I had been upset without making a big thing of it, but for the rest of the evening, she didn't even catch my eye. She barely said goodbye either. I'm fairly sure it was her feeling guilty/uncomfortable, but it just left me feeling bad, which I can kind of do without.

Then at church today, everyone kept coming up and asking how I was - as if there's any way of answering that honestly. It's nice to know peope are thinking of us, but I felt totally bombared. After the service, a lady who goes every now and then with a son of a similar age to my daughter asked how things went and where was the baby? So I had to explain. All I end up doing is reassuring her that I'm ok because she was so embaressed and upset to have asked.

Blue, my mum and I were talking the other day what she can say when people ask if she has grandchildren. She would want to say three, but explaining it all is a bit much for small talk at a meeting or dinner party, isn't it? Do you think your PIL's didn't mention Sterre on purpose in case of upsetting you or getting upset themselves?

WLW It must have been really hard being confronted by another perspective of your own story. My husbands best friend and his wife had their daughter two days before we had Benedict. For the rest of my life she will be the 'if only'.

Tami, how are you feeling today? Has your anxiety over the GP appointment eased at all?

Hugs to all on IBMD. xxx

MrsY I'm much better now, I think I was just in a really panicky mood. Last week was hideous, it was the 6 month anniversary of Tamsn's birth, the last time I saw her etc, it just brought back the grief as fresh and intense as it was, at the time xx

I think you're right about your friend being embarrassed, not that it makes it any better. The worst thing I've found, since I started this horrendous journey, is the inability for others to truly empathise. Having to apologise for others, who feel "sorry" for our loss, often leads to us, apologising to them, for 'us making them feel bad'. It shouldn't be like that, it should be them reassuring us. I have a theory about this - I wonder if it's because they 'want' us to be OK. Unlike a parent/grandparent dying (which everyone can relate to), what has happened to us is every parents worst nightmare. I think they'd rather avoid us, than have to face the fact that children do die. I think they want us to be 'OK' because if this happens to them, they want to know that it's survivable.

Your friend probably has no real concept. I've had people who've had early miscarriages, who 'understand' how I feel, and tell me that life goes on, and you get over it. I guess that it's the worse thing that's happened to them, and maybe your friend thinks her miscarriage is the same as you losing Benedict, and for her it must have been awful, but it's not the same is it?

Of course there is no way of answering honestly how you are. It's a stupid question in reality, and from saying 'fine', I now just don't answer. I thought I was being rude, but I now don't care so much about others feelings. I'm not impolite, but I clearly draw a line, and change the subject. it's such early days for you, and at times you may feel a bit better, but then you do have days where you go back again.

I think you're doing great MrsY, you really are xx

Glad you're feeling better Tami.

Had a nice day today, so feeling a little better. Out of interest, I've been approached by the lovely MOSagain about a WoolyHug blanket, and had a bit of a nose on the fb page and website. Someone with the initials CP posted recently about their blanket (with teddies) and I noticed they live close to us, I wondered if it's any of you?

it wasn't just my PILs, it was my parents as well, totally forgetting about Sterre. I had a good cry last night in bed and talked it over with DH.
I just have the feeling that because I am pregnant again, they have all forgotten about Sterre, and that this pregnancy makes everything better.
On top of that my mum has also told my grandparents I'm pregnant without asking me whether it was ok. I wanted to give them a ring myself today to tell them, but hey not necessary anymore. Was very cross at her, but didn't tell her, as that will cause a big scene.
I had explicitly not put anything on FB so I could tell them myself... ah well...
I wonder how many of my family and friends will remember Sterre's birthday in June :(

MrsY so lovely you have been offered a WoollyHug blanket! :)

No, I got one but my initials are OM and I'm in Ireland. My ds4 is there lying on the couch under the blanket. I think CP, if I'm right, is a lady who's husband died, so not on this thread.

Blue, I'm so sorry they forgot. Or maybe they didn't but you know people have that funny way of thinking that talking about your child will upset you, whereas we all know that not talking about your child upsets you more.

Tami, I thought I posted a couple of days ago but don't see my post so I must have gotten distracted and not pressed post! If no-one has wanted to have dc's with you, it's because you haven't met anyone who has been good enough for you. . I'd happily send my dc's to live with you! ( not that you'd thank me, mind!)

Blue - I didn't realise you're pregnant again, congratulations. Do you know what you're having?

Sorry, I am officially rubbish at putting the right post to the right person, it might take me a little while to catch up. What date is Sterre's birthday?

The blankets are just so amazing, I think the ladies that make them re wonderful. I knit, so really should have been involved before, but never knew about them before now.

Thanks chip. I saw your blanket on the fb page, it got it's own seat on the plane!

blue I'd be upset too, very upset at that omission by Sterre's grandparents. And furious with your mum... it is definitely only your news to share, especially given the circumstances. Sterre should be acknowledged when you do decide to tell people, so that they understand she holds a unique place in your heart, just as this baby will. They are not interchangeable, never!

Mrs Y What a horrible situation for you. I think you were courageous even holding that dinner. What was that woman thinking?? Or not, as the case may be. As for your church people's insensitive questioning... I totally agree with tami - people desperately want us to be 'ok' because being not ok is so very threatening to them. Too bad if people are embarrassed by our situation - I'm sorry, but what we have to live with, the loss of our beautiful children, is a million times worse.

I have been sent two beautiful pieces of writing of memories of Mia by my parents this weekend. They made both DH and I cry, the memories were so evocative and poignant, and brought back such strong emotions. They both mentioned just what a complete little unit the three of us were together, a grouping of love and joy. My father wrote The axis was perhaps the most complete, and complementary, association I have ever known... we just adored Mia, and I had no idea how very evident it was to our families.

whatever your story about Erin's cot waiting for her, and all those unknown women crying for you both made me cry...

MrsY thanks! :) I'm only 12+1 weeks so don't know yet what we're having... hopefully the consultant can pick it up at my extra 16 week scan... Sterre's birthday is 20th June... no idea yet what to do to mark the day...

Blue, how about releasing some balloons for Sterre? You could get dd1 to draw a little picture and attach it to the string?
btw, my Mum can't keep anything to herself. My dsis got married but it was a very quick and secret affair and neither set of parents were invited. ( or siblings, humph!) My dsis told Mum first but told her not to tell anyone else till her dh's parents had been told. So Mum told my aunt, who told my uncle who told my cousin, who posted congratulations on FB! Luckily my dsis's MIL didn't see it and dsis was able to remove the comment but dsis read my Mum the riot act! She wanted to tell her MIL in person and thought it was only fair that her MIL should know ahead of lots of random relatives.

chip that's a nice idea! We've released a balloon on her due date in November. :)
I was also thinking of baking a small birthday cake with lots of stars decorated on top...

Balloons are a nice idea, and so is the birthday cake. I just looked at your pictures, that stone is beautiful. We had No Matter What as a reading at Benedict's funeral, it's such a lovely story, and I'd been able to read it to him when we were in hospital.

MiasM I think you and Tami are right. People do just want to make you feel better, and that makes them feel better. I think I'm already hardening up though, other peoples feelings matter so much less. It's amazing how you end up reassuring people. One of our neighbours came round with some flowers and asked what had happened, she was obviously really uncomfortable, and so was I, so I totally dismissed what had happened in an overly jolly way. After she went I felt so appalled at the way I had trivialised my boy.

Hello, I have been following this thread since I lost my baby 3 weeks and a day ago.

I had my wonderful boy at 21 weeks and he lived for 2 hours. He was amazing having a heartbeat for that long and I was so proud of him hanging onto life. We made the hardest decision of our lives in terminating our pregnancy due to severe and multiple abnormalities. He may have lived but for an uncertain amount of time and without doubt would have suffered greatly.

I am hurting so much and am struggling with our decision although I know that this is probably par for the course.

I just wanted to say hello to you all and wondered if I could join you? Some of you were so kind to me on a thread I started and I wanted to say how grateful I was for that.

Welcome, FirstToBed I am so glad you found us but as we say here, so sorry you had to. I remember your thread about your darling boy and how much love you have for him. And it was a dreadful, dreadful decision you had to make, one no parent should ever have to face. We will be a listening ear. We can't take away the hurt but we can walk alongside you.

welcome to our thread First glad you found us! x