"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

Aw, that is brilliant news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shabs Your grandson sounds lovely. I'm sorry that it knocked you though, I guess that there is a small piece, however small, that hopes against hope. I don't think I've ever said it to you, but I think you're pretty amazing. I can't imagine the pain of losing two treasured children xx

Whatever what is this rainbow baby thread? I'm guessing that it refers to conceiving after loss? In which case, and considering the comments, I'm very happy for Blue. I hope I'm not way off mark here.

Caz Aww bless you. I often think of you, as we're sort of opposites - with DD1 being born the same month as Belle, and Tamsin being born the same month as X. I want to ask for my maternity notes, as I can't remember my first scan. I know it was pretty early, as I had some bleeding xx

I know I should be happy in this weather, and Chip gave me some sage words about the sun, but I'm finding it hard now. I keep thinking "this time last year". And this time last year Tamsin existed. I was going to be a mum of two little girls (OK I still am but ykwim). I was happy. I'm kind of dreading this year, as it's all comparisons, comparisons to when I was 'safe'.

It's stupid, but all I ever wanted was a family. I'm stupidly unambitious. I was a single parent for 18yrs, went to university, even had my own business, but none of it, none of it compared to my little dream of being a family. I used to have little fantasies about preparing for Christmas. Having the 'kids' making mince pies with me (like I used to with my mum). When pregnant last year, I started baking - for the first time. Those on facebook can see the cake I baked for DD1's birthday - I was about 20 weeks pregnant then. I'd never baked except for DS's first birthday. Yet, with the prospect of two little children, I discovered a new passion - doing "mummy" things, which I didn't do so much with DS.

I'm sure this all sounds silly, and I shouldn't really bare my soul on here, but I find it hard to talk in RL without someone butting in, or trying to make me feel better.

It's stupid, because except for the fact I was pregnant this time last year and had dreams & hopes, nothing has really changed. I've still got what I had before. Except Tamsin has left a gaping hole, that can never be filled, and I'm just not as satisfied now.

Fab news isn't it It was her only stipulation on her lent break was that she could get an email to one of us if she got her BFP, and she did!! You weren't off the mark at all Tami

I do identify totally with what you're saying Tami I spent the whole of my pregnancy last year thinking how our family would be complete with our 2 children. I'd wanted a 2nd since K was about 1 but financially we knew we had to wait until she started school so we started ttc make it coincide. We could believe it when I fell so quickly and she was due just a few weeks after K started. It all seemed so perfect. Now, even though (hopefully,praying) I might get my 2 earth children this year I'll still feel like there's a huge whole in the middle where Erin should have been.

Caz X sounds such a delight and he looks just so happy and contented. I can imagine just how utterly loved he is xx

Went to my 16w mw appt today. Got to hear the heartbeat, so so relieved. Mw was lovely and booked me in again for 2 weeks time to hear the heartbeat again as a stop gap between today and my 20 week scan. It's so emotionally draining, am supposed to be working but I can't concentrate am too tired!

whatever lovely news about the baby's heartbeat! And so glad that the midwife was understanding with you.

Shabba your story about Lew recognising the truth about Matt and Gareth made me so sad for you, especially your comments about the house of family that you wanted. That loss of innocence and suspension of reality destroyed for you both. Not fair. Very crap indeed.

Caz X is so cute and cuddly!! Nothing wrong with missing Belle though. I can totally relate to the whole time "comparison" situation that you and tami describe. I have a whole series of videos of Mia taken exactly a year ago, and have been going through them a tiny bit obsessively...

lumps also thinking of you. Don't be across to write here if it helps.

There is no getting away from the should-bes. I have ten or so little outfits, mostly pink, hanging up in my wardrobe that Sylvie-Rose was supposed to grow into. There's a bouncy thing in ds3 and ds4's room that you sit a baby into with little activities for them to play with. She'll never sit in that. I'll never read her a story. She'll never have a baby of her own.

chip yes, just too many wishes and should-bes... I can't go there, otherwise I will never stop wishing.

Just wondering something. Do you imagine your child as growing up, or do they stay the same age? For me, in my mind, Mia is now a cheeky, busy toddler, who is using a few words and running around the house.

afternoon girlsx

Miasmummy I think of my boy as he would be now, try to imagine what he would look like, be saying, doing etc. Like when I take things to his grave, I try not to take things that are too 'babyish' now as he would be 8 and I can almost hear him say 'I'm not a baby Mum' and laughing. So unfair that all we can do is imagine, a whole lifetime of the joy of watching them grow and develop taken away, just like that. I've been thinking about you a lot Mia'sMummy, was telling my own Mum yesterday about her and you and how your story has really touched my heart. I have a 15 month old boy and every time he gives me a cheeky grin or does something funny I think of you and Mia and squeeze him extra tight. Hope you don't mind me saying that xx

When I want to get an idea of what Sylvie-Rose would be like, I look at Poppet45's profile on FB. Her little girl was born at 27 weeks and was due around the same time as Sylvie-Rose. They were preemie-buddies.

It's horrible isn't. The 'what if's' are so seducing, and tortorous. I feel that we've lost a bit of naivety, we know - only too well - that life is so unexpected, and precarious.

I'm slightly buzzing. Just got back from the theatre (get me being all 'cultured'), having watched 'An Inspector Calls'. I know the story well, so the twist was no surprise, but I've always loved it, and to see it live, was... well fantastic! We were on the front row (in the stalls), all on our own (cue lots of paranoia as to whether people avoid the seats due to some superstition), but the theatre was packed with kids from several schools; it must be on the literature curriculum for GCSE or A Levels then I guess.

I have to say it was the first time, since Tamsin died, that I didn't really think of her and pine. I did think of her a couple of times, but it was a real distraction. I feel like I'm coming down now, and the guilt - of going out & enjoying myself has hit.

lumps I don't know if you're still lurking lovely, but I really hope you're OK.

I've uploaded some photos of Tamsin's memory box, and her hand & footprints, under my profile, first time I've looked in her box, since I filled, in late November

Tami, do you know that it's supposed to be a good idea to scan the hand and foot prints into a computer as apparently the ink can fade with time. Someone on MN told me that, Caz maybe? Just thought I'd say it as I wouldn't have known.

The memory box is lovely! I got a lovely personalised one from MNers but it's already full so I need another.

chip Yep, I just haven't got a scanner at the moment, so have to rely on someone to get their arse into gear and do it. I've got loads of photos of my grandparents & DS that I need to scan too (all of DS young were 35mm films). Must get it done soon xx

lumps Hope you're OK, and you're getting enough RL support lovely xx

Morning xx

Whoopee it's Friday This is my first full time week at work after my phased return and boy has it felt long!! And it's payday and the sun is shining, hurrah!

I'm very much enjoying the short lived relief of hearing the heartbeat yesterday Everlong

Am helping with a sands fundraising event tomorrow as well and we are doing a big balloon release so the nice weather is very timely.

Snoring husbands need to be sent to the sofa! Hope you can get some rest today x

Has anyone heard from Dee? randomly woke up in the night and thought about her and little Celyn.

Morning all.

Feeling so down today. Ds1 is struggling in school, PTA meeting last night and then a phone call from school today to say he's not getting into transition year ( I know you don't have transition year in the UK but it's something he really wanted to do) And I feel some of if is my fault as I haven't really been pushing him the way I would have done if Sylvie-Rose had lived. And then I wanted to scream at the teachers that it takes me all my energy to just get up in the morning, never mind all the paperwork they want me to do, on top of also working and having three other children.

dee seems ok whatever, she is posting on fb regularly xx

Oh chip It's bloody unfair! I'm so sorry - these are events that have far-reaching consequences into all the family. I totally understand what you mean about pushing him harder, if Sylvie-Rose was still here, but you're doing the best you can, and I think you're a remarkable woman. Is there any support the school can offer?

My GP was a bit when I got pregnant with Tamsin, she thought that I'd struggle with two, but I do think that DD1 has been adversely affected by Tamsin's death - it's inevitable.

What is transition year? What long-term effects will it have if DS1 doesn't do it? Can he do it next year, or can you appeal?

I hope you enjoy your coffee & hug from everlong & you can have an extra hug from me (would offer you coffee, but we've run out of Sainsbury's & only have Morrisons ) xx

To be fair, Transition year is not terribly crucial to results. A lot of parents feel its a lazy year. Over here they do the Junior Cert at 15 and the Leaving Cert at 17/18. In between the two curricula, there is the option to do Transition Year which is almost like a Gap year. They do projects and work experience, things like that. I was a bit iffy about him doing it but he really wanted to do it and will be disappointed he didn't get it. But there are limited places and he didn't get in.

What I am more concerned about is that I know he's bright, but due to ADD, his grades keep slipping. The school's approach is to keep making things easier and easier for him, but then he gets more laid back and the grades slip again. Whereas I think they would be better to challenge him a bit more. Academia is not the be-all and end-all but I am afraid he is going to be left with fewer and fewer options.

Aww chip (((hugs))) I remember worrying about my DS. He, however, was really lazy. Did manage to get good grades in his GCSEs, but stopped being so bothered about AS Level, passed though, then (for various personal reasons) didn't complete the A2 year.

Of course academia isn't the be all and end all, but the economic climate & employment situation being what it is, I think it's right to be concerned about making the most of every opportunity. That said, some degree courses are about as useless as toilet paper, and I doubt do little to help one along the career ladder, except for leaving the student in debt, and further behind than those who went straight to work... it's so bloody difficult.

You're a great mum chip, I think the school should listen to you. If you feel that 'challenging' him is better than enabling his grades to slip, then they should listen to you.

Sadly though, I think this is the lot of a mum of a teenager. I remember my dad trying to get me to buck my ideas up at 14, then I did it to DS; it seems to be the job of a teenager to let the parents worry.

I'm sorry I can't offer anything constructive. I hope you do get through to him, the importance of grades, without making it the be all, and end all, of life xx