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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My Mum died last night

150 replies

winnie · 12/01/2006 12:42

My Mum died last night. She was 54 and had lung cancer which she has bravely battled against for three years.

I feel lost. I will miss her so very much. My dd (16) is brokenhearted although my ds (5) is taking it all in my stride.

Life is going to seem so very empty now.

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Redtartanlass · 17/01/2006 09:34

Oh Winnie, my heart is hurting for you. My mum died 10 years ago at 49 after fighting cancer. It would have been her 60th birthday this month. I miss her so much.

There is a great website where you can search for the names of roses, so maybe you could plant a rose bush.

Find a rose

If you want to CAT me, for a wee bit of support, feel free. I can remember falling apart when I took a frozen pie that my mum had given me, out the freezer!!

Winnie, thinking of you at this sad time.

winnie · 17/01/2006 11:38

thanks guys, you are all so lovely. It is so helpful to offload here.

I went to put a notice in the paper this morning walked into the offices, spoke to the receptionist and burst into tears... am having to go back later today to meet the deadline.

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gravity · 18/01/2006 03:31

hugs dear winnie xx

SecondhandRose · 18/01/2006 08:15

Winnie, so sorry to hear about your Mum. Find a special photo of her that she's happy in and gets some copies for your family and of course one for yourself. I did this after my Dad died, it's still nice to look back on him when he was well.

I do hope things are calmer for you now, expect you've had the funeral.

WideWebWitch · 18/01/2006 08:49

RTL, that's so poignant, your feelings about the pie. Winnie, crying all the time is normal, don't be hard on yourself. And please do feel free to email me.

Hausfrau · 18/01/2006 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winnie · 18/01/2006 11:21

Ds was at his Dad's last night, dd was out and I sat and played music (trying to decide what music to have at funeral) and ended up playing the music that was played at Dad's funeral and I wailed... I think it's definitely hit me now.

WWW, will email you. Thanks.

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choccywoccydoodaa · 18/01/2006 16:01

Winnie,
Have tried to email you but message has bounced back. I'm still on the old email address which I will CAT you again.

Thinking of you and I know it's old hat but you just have to give yourself time. You are coping with so much at the moment and I think it has to be healthy to let it out. It's sad that the funeral director isn't being more helpful. You should be able to do the minimum, not get stressed with a long list to do. Can you delegate anything?

I read your post about crying and can see myself a few weeks ago. Fits of crying still happen now (in the most bizarre of places like Lloyds bank on Tues) but there are good bits in between too. I figure that you have to have loved to feel loss, and I'm glad I loved however painful it is now.

The sense of surrealness is still around for me and I'm still not able to have photos up yet but I know I will in time and so will you.

I'm with you on this one...

diddle · 18/01/2006 18:31

Oh winnie, i am so so very sorry for your loss. My mom lost her mom, my nan a year ago, and i remember it like yesterday. i remember how alone she felt, she is an only child and only really had my sister and I to turn to. It is a horrible horrible thing to go through, especially when your mom was so young.
Please give yourself time to grieve, if you feel you need to or want to have a good cry then do it, it always does wonders for me.

winnie · 18/01/2006 20:55

choccywoccydoda, thank you.

I do still have your email address. Mine has changed. I will mail you. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

diddle, thank you.

I've seen the vicar this afternoon and he was just so lovely. People are being so kind sending cards and notes. Still feel very alone
and very exhausted...

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winnie · 21/01/2006 11:35

feeling strangely calm once again. Which is weird. Took dd to chapel of rest yesterday... she was glad she went. I am dreading funeral. I am giving a reading and there are expected to be a lot of people there. Everything just feels so surreal.

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WideWebWitch · 21/01/2006 11:40

Winnie, I got through the reading at my dad's funeral by concentrating on the words I was reading and the paper, looking at the people would have been too much, I couldn't have done it. This in between time is very hard I know. Do you have anyone who could come and stay with you, just be another supportive adult around you? Thinking of you. x

WideWebWitch · 21/01/2006 11:41

And I also think you don't have to read if you don't feel up to it. Could someone read the words for you if you want them read but can't do it? A friend of my dad's read one of our tributes, I read the other. But I needed to do it, you may not.

006 · 21/01/2006 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

choccywoccydoodaa · 21/01/2006 12:46

I couldn't read at Dad's and asked the celebrant to read in my place.

We were desperate to try and take something positive from our loss and ended up reading this poem.

?He is Gone?

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes,love and go on.

Anonymous

I hope it brings you a little comfort x Choccy

winnie · 21/01/2006 14:37

choccy, that is one of two poems that I've been thinking of reading. Am writing one myself but it is too personal to read to such a vast array of people some of whom I don't know.

006, thank you for your thoughts they are not trivial at all. I must admit to feeling rather angry about an awful lot at the moment.

I know the shock thing returns again and again and again because my Dad died suddenly four years ago on 25th January and I am sometimes quite overwhelmed by the fact.

I know I will survive this and continue to function and get on with my life and I will even learn to live without Mum as I have learned to live without Dad but I will never accept it and I will never fill the void left by their absence.

I read this a long time ago and it utterly sums up how I feel:

^time does not heal
it makes a half stitched scar
that can be broken and you feel
grief as total as in its first hour^
Elizabeth Jennings

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WideWebWitch · 21/01/2006 14:52

Winnie, I agree, I don't think you ever get over it as such, you just learn to live with it and find a way of carrying on. I like the verse.

mears · 21/01/2006 14:53

I am sorry to read of your loss Winnie.

There have been some lovely messages posted here. I hope you find comfort from memories of the good times. Take care, mears x

aprilgirl · 21/01/2006 15:43

i cant begin to imagine how u must be feeling, my thoughts are with you and your dd's we all have to accept some time we will loose our parents ( and just the thought of that destroys me) but 54 is so so so young and its so unjustified... please although it will be hard try and be strong and just remember im sure you mum likes the happy smiley winnie not the upset one, and she will be looking donw on you!! my thoughts are with you and wishing you strength in the next few days .... dunno if i have worded this the way i wanted to come out just hoe u understand what i mean!! take care and remember smile at all the fond memories of your mum and all the special times you shared together!! xxx

willow2 · 21/01/2006 15:56

Dear Winnie,

Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. xxx Willow

winnie · 22/01/2006 22:02

thanks guys for your kind words.

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winnie · 25/01/2006 15:24

Funeral was yesterday and it was lovely (iYKWIM)
Managed to give a reading & everyone said I seemed very composed. Am desperate to get back to work and some form of normality now... but keep looking at photo's of Mum and cannot believe she is gone forever

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choccywoccydoodaa · 27/01/2006 10:15

I'm sure you will find yourself sinking in and out of these feelings over time. Having had a relatively good couple of weeks, I was shocked to find myself raw and weepy again yesterday when I came across one of Dad jumpers. (Which I ended up putting on, and shooting off to a friends to have a good blub.) I feel much better today again and think this is probably how things will be for a good while.

It's the finality of it which is so painful isn't it?

Marina · 27/01/2006 10:19

winnie, I wondered when the funeral was and had missed the latest on this thread.
Sending you lots of love and complete agreement that very few people articulate grief and bereavement like Elizabeth Jennings. We had a poem of hers, For a Child Born Dead, at ds2's funeral.

winnie · 27/01/2006 14:38

choccy and marina, thank you.
have had a bizarre week one way and another & am now feeling exhausted and quite emotional... am back at work at least (although I don't feel like I am doing much work this afternoon )

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