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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My Mum died last night

150 replies

winnie · 12/01/2006 12:42

My Mum died last night. She was 54 and had lung cancer which she has bravely battled against for three years.

I feel lost. I will miss her so very much. My dd (16) is brokenhearted although my ds (5) is taking it all in my stride.

Life is going to seem so very empty now.

OP posts:

Original poster

winnie · 12/01/2006 21:58

thankyou me23. Your post made me cry.

I feel drunk for the first time in months and months I just needed to ease the pain of feeling so alone and missing Mum so very much

OP posts:

galaxy · 12/01/2006 21:59

winnie. I dont know you nor was I aware of your mum's ilness but my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time.

God Bless

me23 · 12/01/2006 22:05

I'm so sorry, it is so hard but you need to cry it's so much better out, share your grief with your dd too I'm sure you can be a great deal of comfort to each other. and of course you have a lot of support here too if you ever need to talk I'm here, I know we've never spoken before but I understand what your going through, don't bear the burden of dealing with everything yourdelf you need support xx

Original poster

winnie · 12/01/2006 22:12

me23, the problem is I am dealing with a marriage breakup (his decision but he has been messing with my mind over xmas/new year)& this.

Friends are all far away and the one person I thought I could rely on has been an utter bastard (which I would never have expected of him)

If I let myself go, with regards to my Mum, I am am scared i won't be able to stop myself cracking up and I won't be able to function. as next of kin I have so much to do and I have(& obvously want) to keep my dd afloat.

This feels liek such a lonely place to be.

OP posts:

me23 · 12/01/2006 22:23

I'm so sorry, bad things do all seem to come at the same time dont they?
when my mum died I was 2 months pregnant and the father was messing me around big time, he left me, didnt even care that my mum had died.
I was lucky in that I had my brother to organise the funeral. could you perhaps call one of your friends and ask them if they could stay for a bit? if theres any time to ask for help it's now.
I know how you feel about thinking you will crack if you let it all out, I felt the same I thought i would have a breakdown, but I had to carry on for my baby like you do for your children.
but dont feel you have to hide your grief esp from your dd she will know, and you need each other.
your mum is free from pain now, all her suffering has ended. she is at rest and at peace, you can and will get through this x

Original poster

winnie · 12/01/2006 22:27

me23, you are right. I am thank ful that her suffering has ended heartless as it sounds I was praying for her to die in the end

OP posts:

me23 · 12/01/2006 22:35

winnie, That doesnt sound heartless at all.
it's so hard to see someone you love in so much pain I totally understand. go easy on yourself it will gradually become easier everyone on mumsnet is here for you cat me if you need to.
i have to feed dd now
hope you manage toget some rest tonight, i remeber feeling exhausted by all the grief. It's importnant that you look after yourself.
take care my thought are with you x

Janh · 12/01/2006 22:41

Aw, Winnie, I had missed this. So sorry to hear about your mum. Mine died aged 50, from mesothilioma (a PM found ovarian cancer too, which might have been the primary, but she was ill enough from the lung thing, and glad to go ) when my younger brother was only 8. She never met any of her grandchildren.

The timing is rotten for you - hope we can all support you - hope you will come on here when you feel at your wobbliest and let us help as far as we can. XXX

edodgy · 12/01/2006 22:59

so sorry , My mum died in 1998 aged 55 from breast cancer so I have some idea of what you are going through. Try to keep hold of the good memories and remember whatever you're feeling at this time is entirely normal. Thinking of you. xxx

Original poster

winnie · 12/01/2006 23:02

you are all so lovely.
i've not been here for ages because 've had so little time and still you all have words of support and comfort. thank you x

OP posts:

Callmemadam · 13/01/2006 00:04

Winnie, it's so hard when your mum has been ill for so long, and you have had other traumas to deal with too, as have your children. Remember she loved you all, and knew you loved her and were there for her - a hand to hold. Now it's time to look after yourself; so be kind and not too hard onyourself, whether you fall apart for a while or hold it together. The sun will rise again for you. Lots of love.

ScummyMummy · 13/01/2006 00:09

I'm so very sorry to read this, Winnie.

makealist · 13/01/2006 00:27

Winnie, really sorry to hear your news

My mum has also got lung cancer, diagnosed beginning December, they cannot operate, but she was meant to start a course of chemo last friday to help slow things down a bit, but unfortunatly she has been very ill with pancreatitis and they have had to postpone the chemo for now.

It all seems so surreal, how do we keep on going? It just all seems so unfair, she is also quite young, 59.my dad also died of lung cancer 6 years ago, it makes me feel so frightened that I'm going to be all alone without my parents.

I hope you have some really lovely memories of special times with your mum, and you know that she'll always be with you.
x

Copper · 13/01/2006 05:40

Winnie
I like what Callmemadam said - the sun will rise again for you. There may be a lot night beforehand but there will be cracks in the darkness. You have always been such a strong and good person, you will get through this awful time. It's been obvious from reading your posts over time that you and your parents had a deep love for each other, and that this framework of love extended to your dd and ds. The framework is still there - they live on in you.

I can understand how you wanted her to go in the end: I did when my mother died of cancer too, not because I didn't want her but because she had suffered more than enough.

Part of your dislocation now must be because of the huge focus you have had on your mother recently: its very difficult to step back into the old pattern of doing things. Was your dd very involved in her last days? Because maybe you need to talk to each other, help each other let it out, talk it through. Is she 16 or 17? Old enough to be emotionally supportive and in need of support. Your ds will be sad on and off but not in the same way. I remember howling with an animal-like grief - not all the time, but as it overcame me. I think that you and your dd could grown together by helping each other through this grief.

I am really sorry that your ds's father has been behaving like this. Do you think it is in any way caused by your mother's illness and death? A lot of people who are insecure in themselves find it very difficult to cope with bad things happening, especially if these take attention away from themselves. I found my own dd to be much more supportive and understanding than my dh, who resented the time I spent with my mother and did not behave as I would have hoped. I let this go: he was doing the best he could. It took a long time before I felt good about this, but in the meantime I acted as though he had been supportive. He had done what HE could. Don't know enough about your circs to say more, except just to leave that problem aside for a while if you can - you need to concentrate on you and dd.

Lots of love and don't forget we are here for you.

beep · 13/01/2006 07:01

Winnie I am sorry to hear about your loss, will be thinking of you.

bloss · 13/01/2006 07:06

Message withdrawn

Pip · 13/01/2006 07:49

Winnie, I don't know what else I can add except that I'm sorry. At the same time I'm glad your mum's suffering has ended and I hope you find some peace. Your children will help you find strength and you've always got support on here. Take care and a big hug.

fairyjay · 13/01/2006 08:20

You will get strength from somewhere, for your children.

Thinking of you.

ggglimpopo · 13/01/2006 08:21

Message withdrawn

batters · 13/01/2006 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

winnie · 13/01/2006 11:17

thank you so much for all of your lovely messages. And thank you for sharing your experiences too.

I was quite drunk last night (for the first time in a very long time)!

This morning dd went to school and ds at school and I am on leave and I just feel completely empty and alone. Went and looked at fruit trees as I am thinking of planting a tree in the garden with the children in memory of Mum.

I can't believe she has gone there will be such an absence now. I do know however that, like my Dad, she will live on through us. I am going to make two scrapbooks with dd and my neice (9) to remember their Nanny by. I am looking forward to doing that.

I am going to register her death this afternoon and hopefully once that is done I can get on with funeral arrangements.

OP posts:

katierocket · 13/01/2006 11:20

god winnie, so so sorry to hear this. The fruit tree sounds like a lovely idea.

MarsOnLife · 13/01/2006 11:27

Sorry for you loss

muma3 · 13/01/2006 11:46

how are things winnie ? silly question i know but have you got any more support with the funeral yet ?
thinking of you xx
tree is vvvery good idea

lucykate · 13/01/2006 11:49

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