Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

My Mum died last night

150 replies

winnie · 12/01/2006 12:42

My Mum died last night. She was 54 and had lung cancer which she has bravely battled against for three years.

I feel lost. I will miss her so very much. My dd (16) is brokenhearted although my ds (5) is taking it all in my stride.

Life is going to seem so very empty now.

OP posts:

tamum · 13/01/2006 11:54

I'm so sorry winnie. It's no age, is it?
xxx

polly28 · 13/01/2006 12:03

so sorry winnie,I can't imagine what you're going through but I hope you get the support you need.

Dinosaur · 13/01/2006 12:14

winnie I'm sorry for your trouble. Thinking of you.

Original poster

winnie · 13/01/2006 14:06

thanks guys...

OP posts:

puddingandpie · 13/01/2006 14:20

Dear Winnie,

thinking of you and wishing you lots of strength to get through this sad time.

me23 · 13/01/2006 21:49

hi winnie, hope you are as well as you can be thining of u

me23 · 13/01/2006 21:52

sorry 'thinking of you' x

gravity · 14/01/2006 08:21

hi winnie, thinking of you and hope you are managing to stay strong. x

i also wanted to say thank you, from one of your posts here i was finally able to take some comfort in not feeling so bad for hoping at the end that my dad would pass. to put an end to the pain. i felt awful for thinking that when i sat next to me poor dad in his last three days. by god, i love him and miss him

thankyou winnie, huge hug x

Original poster

winnie · 14/01/2006 09:37

gravity, it is only human to want suffering to end. I am glad that you have been able to take some comfort in knowing you are not the only person who has hoped and prayed for the end to come. It is the most hideous thing to watch a loved one suffering so knowing that there is nothing one can do to ease their suffering other than be there holding their hand and making them as comfortable as possible. My Mum went through this with my Nan 12 years ago (Mum nursed her Mum at home with lung cancer) so she/we had no illusions about what was coming or how difficult it would be for my brother and I. Even in her last hours, when she wanted to die, her concern was for us

At the moment I remain quite calm (although feel utterly empty & lost) but I am wondering when it will hit me, as I know it will.

OP posts:

Original poster

winnie · 15/01/2006 08:36

I am beginning to feel guilty because the calm, empty and lost feeling remains but I've hardly cried... I know it will hit me... but life feels so surreal right now

OP posts:

tigermoth · 15/01/2006 08:41

oh winnie, I have only just seen this. I am so sorry. I remember you talking about your mum before she was ill and you seemed so close to her and valued her so much.

As you may remember, I lost my mum too. You are so right about the gap. Six years on there is still and will always be a gap in my life. No matter how much love and support I get elsewhere, the special love my mum had for me and I had for her will never be replaced.

Take care xx

tigermoth · 15/01/2006 08:45

winnie, I felt exactly like that when my mum died - calm but empty. The tears never hit in at one big time - just at odd moments when some detail or small memory reminded me of her.

winnie · 15/01/2006 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cathyspam · 15/01/2006 09:05

When it is less raw and you have had the chance to grieve properly you will have lovely moments sharing memories of your mum with your daughter - I do this with my brothers and it is really comforting and warm somehow. Sending hugs.

Copper · 15/01/2006 09:05

Winnie
remember too that you have probably done quite a lot of grieving on the way. Don't feel guilty about how you react on any one day - there is no single way to grieve. How is your dd?

Original poster

winnie · 15/01/2006 09:13

Copper, dd is reacting as I am: calm but numb.

I don't know if you remember but I was having real problems with her a few months ago but bizarrely over Xmas she has reverted to the old dd she always was, which was such a relief. I was so grateful because Mum had been worrying about dd but Mum died knowing that dd was back on track once again. Thanks for asking.

OP posts:

Copper · 15/01/2006 09:16

I do remember - you really have had an awful year. Very glad your dd has come back to herself again - must have been a hard year for her too. Let's hope she is through the worst of her teenage years, because if she has turned out anything like the example you have set her she is going to be a really good person. I'm so glad you mum knew and was happy for you both.

WideWebWitch · 15/01/2006 10:10

Oh winnie, I've only just seen this, I'm so, so, sorry.

WideWebWitch · 15/01/2006 10:17

Winnie, I've just read the rest of the thread and realised how awful other things have been for you recently, I am sorry. My dad died of lung cancer too, aged 59, in 2001. I know there's nothing any of us can do, really, because we can't bring your mum back but please do post if it helps. Or feel free to CAT me if you want to 'talk' by email. I know that fear of losing it, believe me.

tigermoth · 15/01/2006 15:56

winnie, I have just read your thread all the way through and wanted again that you really are in my thoughts. I can really sympathise about the sense of isolation you feel.

I have no original family now as my mum and dad are both dead. I have no siblings and the few cousins I have live either a long way away or do not want regular contact (I have tried). If my dh parted from me, I would have absolutely no one around in London who was 'family'.

I do have friends (good ones) but all my very old friends from way back no longer live here. And my friends all have their own busy lives and families. As my dh approaches 50 years it has struck me how very alone I'd be if anything happened to him. Our family might be happy but it is a fragile unit. So for 2006 I have resolved to see more of my friends, and build a closer relationship with them.

This situation is not unique - that's a sort of comforting thought. You've lost your parents, so have I. In the next 10 years, so will many more of our contemporaries. It's just happens sooner to some people. And the same with partners, and no longer sharing a home with them. That's going to happen to lots of women sooner or later, for whatever reason. And our children will fly the nest. I look at my family, my home life as it is now, and it seems so permanent, but really it isn't.

I don't know if you find this line of thought depressing (hope not), but for me realising that so many others I know will go through this sort of helps.

choccywoccydoodaa · 15/01/2006 19:05

Dear Winnie,
Just to say I'm keeping track of this thread and am around if and when you wish to chat.
I so recognise the sense of isolation you feel and the calm one minute / chaos the next feeling. If it is any help at all, 11 weeks after my Dad died, I feel able to be positive again (most) of the time and that ache that was with me all ofthe time is there only part of the time. It's still very painful when it is but I guess that is the price of loving and being loved. I know dh is offering you no support but draw on those that can, knowing how well you have supported others in the past.
Dear Winnie, hang on in there and give yourself lots of time, knowing that you are in everyone's thoughts. xx

Original poster

winnie · 15/01/2006 22:48

Copper, Tigermoth, WWW, & Choccy thank you for your kind thoughts.

www & choccy brace yourself for emails

It has been a dismal day. I have been to tell my Mum's sister today (she suffers from schizophrenia and is very ill right now)I am not sure she took the news in but I am glad she had someone with her when I left is something to be grateful for.

Going through mums paperwork I found she'd left a poignant quote... and also a notebook with advice about life written on each page. (Found that very heart wrenching)

OP posts:

Original poster

winnie · 17/01/2006 07:50

the wake is turning into a pantomime ... funeral director has been utterly discouraging and the list of things to be done grows by the day... Am desperately trying to think about what Mum would want but suddenly I just don't know what is the right thing to do

OP posts:

Radley · 17/01/2006 07:52

Hi Winnie,

I had to sort my dad's funeral from start to finish(dad died 5 years ago today) and know how you will be feeling sorting your mum's out.

If you want any advice, please free to cat me.

Frizbetheexpansionset · 17/01/2006 08:57

So sorry to hear this

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6