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Original poster

Lost my baby son this week

107 replies

Treats · 02/12/2011 21:01

Starting a thread so that I've got somewhere to 'go' when I need to talk about this.

I lost my baby son this week. A prolapsed cord during labour deprived him of oxygen so that he was born severely brain damaged. The doctors managed to revive his heartbeat and get him breathing on a ventilator, so we were able to spend a precious six hours with him - our families came to see him and we had him baptised. We spent the last two hours in our hospital room with him, detached from the wires and tubes, and I was able to hold him and stroke him and tell him how much I loved him.

There's so much to think about and take in. DH and I are being a great comfort to each other - and our 2-year old DD is a huge source of consolation. Friends and family are being amazing and we are getting through by focussing on the practicalities, such as organising the funeral. But I'm frightened of how much sadness there still is to feel and what I will do when the initial shock fades and we have to adjust to our new normal life again.

I've been a regular MNer for a few years, but much more lurking than posting. I know that there are many many people here who have experiences to share and advice to offer, so I thought it would be helpful to have a thread here that I could post on to ask questions and get support when things are hard.

Thanks in advance, MNers. I will be back with questions and updates.......

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 03/12/2011 20:42

treats please join us angels mummies here we have a very supportive thread of angel mummies ttc, pregnant with and having rainbow babies after a loss! very welcome when you are ready! :)

pookiecat · 04/12/2011 13:59

So sorry for the loss of your precious Felix .XXXXXX

QOD · 04/12/2011 14:01

Oh I am so sorry :(

sunnysunnyshine · 04/12/2011 14:15

I'm so sorry Treats. Sending you and your family love and strength x

Original poster
Treats · 04/12/2011 23:15

Lots of funeral planning today. Had a meeting with the priest at our church and have been discussing hymns and music with musical friends.

Organising a funeral for your baby does bring home to you just how WRONG it is to be burying your own child though - nothing fits, nothing's right, all the suggested hymns and readings and poems are just wrong. OTOH, it has forced us to think carefully about what we really want, rather than just following the same old conventions. We've got some lovely music planned. Thanks to volunteer friends, we're going to have a soprano soloist and an oboist - which will have a lighter, purer and more uplifting sound than a full-on choir or organ.

I've written a few words to say. I wrote them on Thursday evening when i needed to get it all out of my head. It will probably need some rewriting before this Thursday but I really want to stand up in front of everyone and say "THIS was my son. He was only here for 6 hours, but he mattered to me and always will."

OP posts:
MrsJangleBalls · 04/12/2011 23:37

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and yes you're right, it is all so wrong but give him a lovely send off, you will be glad that you did. Sleep tight Felix. Smile

Get0rf · 05/12/2011 00:05

I am so so sorry for you treats. How utterly heartbreaking.

Felix is a beautiful name. I am glad you were able to have 6 hours with him.

I know it is a stupid thing to say, but please try not to do too much - like you say you had a brutal delivery. Please look after yourself as well.

Wishing you well x

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 05/12/2011 21:22

treats your service for Felix will be wonderful, I can tell. Full of love and pride for your beautiful boy. You are right to feel proud and declare your love for him to those around you.

LunaticFringe · 05/12/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 05/12/2011 22:09

Treats, look up "Light" by Hugh O'Donnell . We used it as a reading at Sylvie-Rose's funeral. Dh read it beautifully. Sorry, I would cut and paste but am posting from my phone.

Original poster
Treats · 05/12/2011 22:19

I will lunaticfringe.

One of the reasons that a funeral feels right for us is that we've had such an overwhelming response from friends and family - all expressing their shock and sorrow and wanting to help. We've asked for donations to the charity at the hospital that helped us through some of the worst bits (and we've already raised a tidy sum) but it seemed right to give people the opportunity to express their own feelings about what's happened, and a funeral is a good way to do that.

I think we were aware, when we emailed to tell all our friends what had happened, that it would be very upsetting news for everyone. Most of our friends are at the time of their life when they're having children and one or two are expecting to deliver imminently. It's awful to have to confront the reality that - not only can these things happen - it happened to somebody you know well.

I had an awful moment today. DH took a call on his mobile and, from what I could hear from his end of the call, he was told something that came as a surprise to him. For the briefest of seconds, I had the crazy thought that it had all been some horrible mistake and the hospital were calling to say that Felix was alive after all. My rational brain woke up after that and I had a little weep........

OP posts:
Original poster
Treats · 05/12/2011 22:23

I've just found it chipmonkey

My little man, down what centuries of light did you travel to reach us here, your stay so short-lived;
In the twinkling of an eye you were moving on, bearing our name and a splinter of the human cross we suffer; flashed upon us like a beacon, we wait in darkness for that light to come round, knowing at heart you shine forever for us.

That's so beautiful. Thank you. I will think about whether we can use it in the ceremony.

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chipmonkey · 06/12/2011 11:00

That's it Treats. I hadn't realised it originally began with "little man" rather than "little one". Our priest found it for us.

Alibobster · 06/12/2011 21:19

Treats I am so sorry to hear about Felix. I wish I could say something that would ease the pain. Love to you and your family

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 06/12/2011 21:33

treats I know you want to tell everyone about Felix, which is wonderful. I think it is totally amazing that you are also thinking of others' grief at this time, and that you are willing to allow them to share this special day.

On what will be a highly emotional day anyway, it can be very draining to be the focus of grief for so many people who will want to speak and cry with you. On Thursday, please make sure that you and your DH have someone to ensure that you eat before and afterwards, maybe someone to stand with you, and a place where you can go if things become too much. No-one will mind, everyone will understand.

I completely relate to those moments of excitement and relief when you think it's all a mistake. And then the sickness and pain which envelops you when you realise that it's true. Maybe it is our brains protecting us, because this is such a hard, unreal time of our lives.

eyestightshut · 06/12/2011 21:39

So sorry to hear about the sad loss of your little boy. Felix is a beautiful name.

chipmonkey · 08/12/2011 14:18

How are you doing, Treats?

SantasSnowilocks · 08/12/2011 20:35

Thinking of you today. I hope you had some precious moments with Felix over this last week and that your ceremony today was all that you hoped it could be at such a sad time.

Big Hugs and wishing kindness comes your way

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 08/12/2011 22:50

Treats, I have been thinking of you and Felix today.

Original poster
Treats · 09/12/2011 20:39

Thanks for all your messages. I haven't been on for a few days because it was the funeral yesterday and we've been busy organising that.

The funeral was lovely. There were loads of people there - all sorts of friends, work colleagues and most of our extended family. Some had driven down from Manchester and Yorkshire (to Surrey) to be there with us. It was really overwhelming.

I managed to say my tribute without any tears. In fact, neither DH or I shed many tears at all during the service or the ceremony (just the two of us) at the crematorium. And we were fine afterwards at the lunch we held at our house. I think it was the nervous energy we were both experiencing and the fact that it was the first time we'd really seen anyone since it all happened (apart from close family).

One thing really stands out. It was really miserable weather all day yesterday - cold, windy and heavy cloud - and yet, just at the end, as we were singing the final hymn, a little slant of sunlight came through the door and bathed Felix's coffin in light. I'm not particularly sentimental or superstitious, but it was almost as though it was a sign that now we had said our final goodbyes, God was ready to take him and look after him for us.

We did go to the Chapel of Rest on Wednesday and I'm so glad we did. He wasn't very attractive to look at, or very nice to touch, but it was so precious to spend those final few moments with him. We took a photo of the three of us, taken at about the time we found out we were expecting Felix, to put in his coffin and a Christmas card that DD had made for him.

Today was much harder though. Now that we don't have the funeral to plan, and there's nothing more we can do for Felix, we've got to focus on getting back to our normal lives, and it was really hard just being the three of us. We got the Christmas tree and decorated it today, which was a useful distraction, but we still spent the day feeling very sad.

Thank you for all your lovely messages. It's lovely knowing there are people out there thinking of us.

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 09/12/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Treats · 09/12/2011 21:34

Thanks lunaticfringe - we've got lots of plans for Christmassy things to do over the next few weeks, so hopefully that will get us through the most difficult bit. Although we've had to put the second stocking back up in the loft.......

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MiaAlexandrasmummy · 09/12/2011 22:45

treats, it sounds like you gave your perfect boy a perfect send-off, and I am so glad that the ray of light appeared. I can imagine how comforting that must have been.

As for the days to come, it might make it easier to think of living a 'new normal'. As much as the daily routines will continue, you will be changed by Felix. Well, that is what I have found...

chipmonkey · 09/12/2011 23:01

You sound like you gave him such a lovely send-off Treats and the Ray of light sounds like you were getting a lovely message from Felix.

aleene · 09/12/2011 23:18

I'm so sorry for the loss of Felix. I hope the thought of the sunlight shining on him comforts and sustains you through the time ahead.