Lost my baby son this week

[Treats]

Starting a thread so that I've got somewhere to 'go' when I need to talk about this.

I lost my baby son this week. A prolapsed cord during labour deprived him of oxygen so that he was born severely brain damaged. The doctors managed to revive his heartbeat and get him breathing on a ventilator, so we were able to spend a precious six hours with him - our families came to see him and we had him baptised. We spent the last two hours in our hospital room with him, detached from the wires and tubes, and I was able to hold him and stroke him and tell him how much I loved him.

There's so much to think about and take in. DH and I are being a great comfort to each other - and our 2-year old DD is a huge source of consolation. Friends and family are being amazing and we are getting through by focussing on the practicalities, such as organising the funeral. But I'm frightened of how much sadness there still is to feel and what I will do when the initial shock fades and we have to adjust to our new normal life again.

I've been a regular MNer for a few years, but much more lurking than posting. I know that there are many many people here who have experiences to share and advice to offer, so I thought it would be helpful to have a thread here that I could post on to ask questions and get support when things are hard.

Thanks in advance, MNers. I will be back with questions and updates.......

How are you doing Treats?

DH and I took DD away for a few days at the weekend and we had a really great time. I was glad to get off the treadmill of everyday life for a couple of days - especially so close to Christmas. We went on some long walks and we were able to leave DD with PILs for the afternoon on Saturday and go off by ourselves.

But I am finding that - now the initial shock is over - I feel teary a lot more often. When DD isn't here, I spend much of the time crying. It's not so much the having to adjust to a life without him - it's a more fundamental sadness about not having my baby to hold.

We collected the ashes today. it was strangely comforting being able to finally bring him home - even though it's not quite the way we thought. We haven't made any arrangements to have them scattered yet, so we'll keep them on the mantelpiece for now.

I had a letter from the paediatrician at the hospital last week, inviting me - if I wanted - to a meeting to discuss what happened. I've been very indecisive about whether to go or not. I couldn't decide whether it would just be raking up things that were better left in the past, or whether it wo3uld be helpful to talk about it. I've decided that I will go - even though I'm fairly clear in my own mind about what happened. I figure that I owe it to DD to get the full picture so that I can answer any questions she has about her brother in the future.

treats, I have been wondering how you have been.

Your weekend away sounds like it really helped. I hope you and your DH are allowing yourselves an easy Christmas.

That fundamental sadness, which is now a part of you - oh yes, I know that terrible feeling. I also became very teary last week, 7 weeks after Mia died, simply because I was finally alone at home, just with my emotions and no little girl, and it all struck me all over again, and wow, did it hurt.

The offer to discuss Felix with your paediatrician is up to you. Some people find more information useful, some people don't... and some people (like me) can only deal with some of the information. But if you do have any questions, this is a useful opportunity to ask them. Again, if you decide to go, maybe take your DH or someone close with you, so that they can also listen and ask questions on your behalf if you suddenly find it's too difficult.

Thanks miaalexandrasmummy

Like you, it's when I've got the time and space to think that it's difficult. Otherwise, life carries on pretty much as before and - on the surface - nothing has changed. It's only when I'm on my own (or just with DH) that I remember that there SHOULD be a baby here, that I SHOULD be cuddling/feeding/rocking to sleep, that I get very sad.

I'm always worried that I'll find out some information about the delivery or neonatal care that will suggest something could have been done to save him. But I'm fairly clear in my own mind (and I know we had this message from the doctor) that there really was no hope. So I'm not too worried about hearing the information. But we were only able to talk about it in the hours immediately after giving birth - not a great time - so it would be good to talk about it again now that I'm in a better frame of mind - even if he says all the same things he's already told me.

Difficult times at DD's nursery Christmas party yesterday - lots of the mums had little babies with them. But it was also really joyous to see how much she enjoyed herself and the three of us had a lovely walk home afterwards.

Christmas is going to be mixed, I think. There'll be times of great sadness that our little boy isn't here, but also we'll enjoy DD's excitement all the more because we know how precious she is and how we shouldn't take her for granted.

Hello Treats, just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your family.

You are so right that you should be excited about Christmas with your DD as life is so precious. It sounds like you have wonderful support in RL and here on MN. I hope that 2012 will be your year and bring you the happiness that you and your family deserve.

santastophere - thanks for sharing that. I do wonder about DD and what she will think and feel about Felix when she's older. DH and I have told her as much as she can understand and will keep talking about him as she grows, so that he will always be a part of her life, even if he's not here.

I'm interested to hear that you miss him even though you never met him. And it's such a shame that your parents were so badly affected. You remind me that - even though we grieve for Felix - our priority should always be her. Ther e is nothing more we can do for Felix now, but DD is still here to be loved and cared for.