Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Lost my baby son this week

107 replies

Treats · 02/12/2011 21:01

Starting a thread so that I've got somewhere to 'go' when I need to talk about this.

I lost my baby son this week. A prolapsed cord during labour deprived him of oxygen so that he was born severely brain damaged. The doctors managed to revive his heartbeat and get him breathing on a ventilator, so we were able to spend a precious six hours with him - our families came to see him and we had him baptised. We spent the last two hours in our hospital room with him, detached from the wires and tubes, and I was able to hold him and stroke him and tell him how much I loved him.

There's so much to think about and take in. DH and I are being a great comfort to each other - and our 2-year old DD is a huge source of consolation. Friends and family are being amazing and we are getting through by focussing on the practicalities, such as organising the funeral. But I'm frightened of how much sadness there still is to feel and what I will do when the initial shock fades and we have to adjust to our new normal life again.

I've been a regular MNer for a few years, but much more lurking than posting. I know that there are many many people here who have experiences to share and advice to offer, so I thought it would be helpful to have a thread here that I could post on to ask questions and get support when things are hard.

Thanks in advance, MNers. I will be back with questions and updates.......

OP posts:
whostolemyname · 02/12/2011 21:42

So sorry for your loss. I wish you lots of strength over the coming days x

Whatevertheweather · 02/12/2011 21:44

Oh Treats I am so so sorry for the loss of your little boy. Just six precious hours on Earth but he will live for a lifetime in your hearts.

Like Chip I lost my little girl recently. She died shortly after she was born to. Life is very cruel. Please please feel free to ask away any questions you have, practical or emotional there will be someone here who will be able to help you. You can PM me if you would like.

Huge hugs the early days are so raw and so painful. I'm glad you and DH are supporting each other. Like you I have an older dd and she has pulled me through the last 12 weeks and been a huge source of comfort. I'm so glad your family got to meet him. We did the same and it's so nice to be able to talk about her without people who met her.

Take all the help and support offered, people will want to help but may well wait to be guided by you for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing. Be gentle with yourselves xxx

ElfOnTheShelf · 02/12/2011 21:48

Felix is a lovely name and i love the white heather analogy, very fitting. Thankyou for coming back and posting again, it must be so raw for you - be very gentle with yourself and stay close to your DH and DD, they will be your strength and you theres x

Bossybritches22 · 02/12/2011 21:58

Nothing to say but biggest of hugs from another MN who doesn't know you but feels for your loss.

Lots of other ladies here with more relevant advice, sadly, but do what you have to, to get by in these horrid early days.

Sevenfold · 02/12/2011 21:59

so very sorry for your terrible loss
xx

Original poster
Treats · 02/12/2011 22:00

Whatever - many thanks for your kind post. It's what comes after the first few weeks that worries me most - once the rest of the world has moved on and the funeral's over. Fortunately, my DH can be home for the rest of December so we can focus on giving our DD a wonderful Christmas before having to worry about all that.

I am so glad that we thought to ring our families and tell them to come to the hospital once we knew that he wouldn't survive. There are other people out there who held him and knew him and loved him and who we can talk to about it.

We haven't told our DD anything yet. That might sound odd, but she's only 2 and she never knew Felix, so it's quite hard to explain. She's been at nursery every day since he was here, so we haven't had lots of time together. We're going to sit her down tomorrow and tell her that 'the baby' we had been talking about isn't going to come and live with us after all, that he was called Felix and that we still love him very much, and that Mummy and Daddy are very sad and will be sad for a long time, and she might see us cry. I think it'll be in the months and years to come that we'll need to answer her questions and talk to her about death - she won't understand any of that now.

I have to confess that I find it quite hard to be with her at the moment. It's not that I don't want her, but that she's not enough. I was supposed to have two children, and right now I really, really, really want to be with the one that's not here.

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 02/12/2011 22:07

One day at a time lovely.

And how you feel about your DD? Absolutly normal and natural and understandable.

Honestly.

Original poster
Treats · 02/12/2011 22:13

MrsDeVere - thank you for that. I think I was looking for some validation.....

My GP very kindly rang me yesterday to see if there was anything he could do. I think I will make an appointment on monday to get referred for grief counselling. DH and I are bearing up very well at the moment - and I may find that the grief counselling doesn't add anything - but I'm very concerned that if I don't discuss some of these difficult feelings about my DD that they won't get resolved. She's my number one priority.

OP posts:
LemonEmmaP · 02/12/2011 22:14

So very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are able to take comfort from those few precious hours that you were able to spend with Felix.
xx

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 02/12/2011 22:17

I think we all worry about the siblings treats I know I do. Even now.
We can only do our best for them. I am so sure you will.

Grief counselling can be very helpful. Sometimes, if you go quite early on, you may feel you need to go again later. Grief evolves over time.

The thing to hold on to is that whatever you feel, whatever you do, its OK and its the 'right' thing.

You poor darling, I am so sorry x

AugustMoon · 02/12/2011 22:21

Treats so so sad for you. My baby boy was stillborn nearly four months ago, i know there's nothing like the pain you must be suffering now. Just be kind to yourself. I wish you strength and courage to get through these coming weeks. Each day is a hurdle, there are sadly lots of us here who will try to help you through each one. Felix is a lovely name.

Whatevertheweather · 02/12/2011 22:25

Treats I get it. I do. It's total normal and understandable to feel like that about your elder dd. When I lost Erin she was all I could think about I couldn't cope with my elder dd's emotions too at first (she is nearly 5 so we did tell her and she met Erin). But these feelings passed within about a week and she began to be my distraction and focus again. Don't underestimate what your body and mind have been through. It's catastrophic and you will be in 'survival mode' right now.

Trust yourself and do what you need to do. My dd also went to nursery, she then started primary school 2 days after the funeral. I truly think it's best for them to continue their 'normal routine'. It also gives you space and time for yourself and you do really need that.

Felix is a gorgeous name and your plans for his funeral sound perfect xx

chipmonkey · 02/12/2011 22:28

Treats my little girl was called Sylvie-Rose. We think she died of SIDS but have not officially been told that yet.
I have four boys and was actually shocked to find that I felt like you do about your dd towards my younger two sons. For a little while I was hugging them because I knew I should, rather than because I wanted to. It was as if there was a massive hole in the centre of my heart that they couldn't fill. It's almost two months on now and my feelings for them have returned to normal or near-normal. I now take comfort from their hugs.

Your feelings are entirely normal.

maxpower · 02/12/2011 22:28

So sorry for your loss x

GRW · 02/12/2011 22:29

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and I hope you will find the support on here helpful.

Bluetinkerbell · 02/12/2011 22:37

so sorry for you loss treats! Can I echo what the other lovely ladies of our bereaved mummies thread have said!

I wish you much strength to get through the difficult time that is ahead of you!
Please do ask whatever you want, we are all here for you to support you!

((hugs))

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 02/12/2011 22:41

Treats Just so so sorry to hear about Felix - sending love from MNHQ and echoing that hope you find support here and in RL as and when.
x

crazycrackernanna · 02/12/2011 22:45

So,so sorry Treats Sad Sending you strength

RachelHRD · 02/12/2011 23:07

So sorry for your loss. Felix is a beautiful name, rest with the angels little one.

Thinking of you ((hugs)) xx

Original poster
Treats · 02/12/2011 23:11

You're all so lovely - this thread has evolved so quickly. Thank you everyone for all your messages.

Thank you to all of you who have talked about your feelings about your other children after the loss of a child. I was a bit nervous about posting that in case I got flamed - it's an enormous relief to find that I'm not alone, and also that the feelings didn't last.

One of the complications is that I spent my entire first pregnancy thinking that my baby was a boy (no reason - I didn't find out the sex - I just had a 'feeling') and actually felt a huge sense of shock and - I admit - disappointment , that she was a girl. I had - I'm sure - totally gotten over this by the time of my second pregnancy, but found out the sex this time round so that I didn't risk going through that again. I was obviously pleased that it was a boy, but honestly thought that I wouldn't have minded another girl (having found out in the meantime how totally awesome it is to have a daughter!). Now that I've lost my boy, I'm worried that the feelings I had about having a girl when she was first born are resurfacing. I was anxious throughout my pregnancy in case I should find that I hadn't actually resolved that disappointment and would find that I preferred my son. Now that I've lost my son, I'm worried that I'm actually feeling resentful towards her that she isn't a boy.

I'm not sure that that makes a huge amount of sense.... Possibly this is a passing feeling that will fade - as some of you have described - and I don't really need to worry, but it still haunts me that I found her 'disappointing' when she was first born. I can't begin to describe how amazing she is to me now.

I'm off to bed - still extremely tired after the delivery - but I will try to log on tomorrow if anyone wants to leave further messages.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 02/12/2011 23:46

Treats, I always wanted a daughter. I had four wonderful sons and then got Sylvie-Rose. I was over the moon. I hadn't dared to hope that she would be a girl and deliberately made myself think she was a boy. To complicate matters, I had a hysterectomy when I had her.

But oddly enough, when she died, I was devastated but when I made myself think about it, if some angel had appeared the night before and made me choose one of my children, I don't think I would have kept her rather than one of the boys. ( have to stress, I would hate to have to make a choice!) Although I believe a lot more people have a preference for a boy or a girl, as mothers in the end we know they are all little people and the little person I miss is a little soul, rather than the tiny person I dressed in pink rather than blue.

FestiveFriedaWassailsAgain · 02/12/2011 23:52

Treats, so sorry to hear you have lost your son. Thinking of you xx

bumpybecky · 03/12/2011 00:02

I'm so very sorry for your loss xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 03/12/2011 00:59

treats, your little Felix sounds lovely, and yes, he is a lucky boy to have you as his mummy. But words don't come anywhere near your loss.

I lost my beautiful Mia in October, and it doesn't make sense in the least. Like you, I have found posting here really helpful to vent, to grieve and to be heard. I'm just so sorry you are here. Too many precious babies. It is so unfair.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 03/12/2011 07:44

So sorry to hear about Felix, sending you and your family much love x

Swipe left for the next trending thread