Lost my baby son this week

[Treats]

Starting a thread so that I've got somewhere to 'go' when I need to talk about this.

I lost my baby son this week. A prolapsed cord during labour deprived him of oxygen so that he was born severely brain damaged. The doctors managed to revive his heartbeat and get him breathing on a ventilator, so we were able to spend a precious six hours with him - our families came to see him and we had him baptised. We spent the last two hours in our hospital room with him, detached from the wires and tubes, and I was able to hold him and stroke him and tell him how much I loved him.

There's so much to think about and take in. DH and I are being a great comfort to each other - and our 2-year old DD is a huge source of consolation. Friends and family are being amazing and we are getting through by focussing on the practicalities, such as organising the funeral. But I'm frightened of how much sadness there still is to feel and what I will do when the initial shock fades and we have to adjust to our new normal life again.

I've been a regular MNer for a few years, but much more lurking than posting. I know that there are many many people here who have experiences to share and advice to offer, so I thought it would be helpful to have a thread here that I could post on to ask questions and get support when things are hard.

Thanks in advance, MNers. I will be back with questions and updates.......

So very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious boy. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

chipmonkey - thank you for sharing about Sylvie-Rose. What an utterly crushing blow to have lost your only daughter. And then a hysterectomy...... But I'm glad - for you - that the gender didn't really matter that much in the end. And you're right - my daughter is a Person, not just a Girl, and after the first few months, it really didn't matter anymore, so I'm sure these feelings will go away in turn.

We told her this morning. We tried to explain that the baby mummy had had in her tummy wasn't going to come and live with us like we hoped he would and that mummy and daddy were very sad about it. We told her that his name was Felix and gave her the present he'd bought her. She was kicking and restless, and didn't take in much of what we were saying, but the important thing is that we've said the name and she knows that there was a baby called Felix. at least we can use the name in conversation now and she can get used to hearing him talked about.

I've got one major issue that I need to resolve. The funeral is on Thursday and Felix will be at the Chapel of Rest at the Funeral Director's on Wednesday and we can go and see him if we want to. When I was first told this, I experienced a massive wave of grief and sobbed for ten minutes. I realised that there is nothing I want more in this life than to see Felix again, even if only for a few minutes. But DH thinks we've said our goodbyes and that we should leave him there.

Does anybody else have any experience of this? Will I always regret it if I don't take the chance to spend some time with him while I still can - even if it's his lifeless body? What did other people do? I'd be very grateful if there is someone who feels like sharing their experience.

BTW - I realised last night that I had been MNing when I should have been with my DH. I will try and carve out time each day to come back to the thread, but DH and DD need me and I mustn't spend time here that should be spent with them.

I am really, really sorry for your loss. I am sorry I don't have advice for you other than to trust your instncts and do whatever feels right for you and your family.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you have to do what feels right for you. The bond between a child and their mother is different to the bond with a child and their father. You spent nine months getting to know Felix when he was growing in you. You are also a different person and will grieve in a different way. Many people seek comfort it visiting before the funeral, many people don't. Do you have a close relative who could go with you because your dh feels he can't visit? Do not feel bad about MNing, I think it is important to know you are not alone and other Mums have lost their babies and understand what you are going though. Please take care and my thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry Treats.

treats I had a similar experience. I felt very strongly that I needed to see Mia again before the celebration of her life, and my DH really didn't want to. We had seen her at the hospital, and he felt he had said goodbye then.

However, I just wanted to sit with her in a quiet calm place and tell Mia what would be happening the next day, talk about our dreams for her, and just hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her. My DH realised how important this was to me, and we went together. He just didn't want me to be alone.

In the end, he sat with Mia and I, and was glad he did. We both talked to her, stroked her red curls and touched her. She looked like she was asleep, but there were small differences in her face that made me know she wasn't. We cried, but we also smiled at our lovely memories and hopes for her.

I'm crying now, and just told my DH about you. He says to tell you that from his point of view, despite initially not wanting to see Mia, he was so glad he did. It gave him a chance to say goodbye to our beautiful girl in a quiet, private way before the lovely public celebration we had planned the next day. He also says that you shouldn't hold it against your DH if he can't go with you, but in that case, please take someone else.

Hello Treats. I went to visit Billie just once before her funeral. I am glad that I did. I could see she wasnt there and that my girl had gone.

I probably should tell you that I didnt lose a baby. Billie was 14. I only say this to avoid misunderstandings. I dont know the pain of losing a tiny baby so I cannot imagine what you are going through.

But I went to see her. My husband didnt and that is fine. It is ok to do things differently. It is ok for you to go and him not. We do things differently and its important that we accept this of each other. If we dont it can cause more strain and stress.

Do you have someone who can take you? I went on my own but I was somewhat crazed at the time and really shouldnt have.

You are in my thoughts today. Take care of yourself x

So very sorry for your loss treats, wishing you strength and peace for the time ahead :(

I'm so sorry Treats. take care. x

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss, Treats.

You, your family and Felix are in my thoughts. x

Treats Erin was was the funeral directors for a week before her funeral. I went to see her every day. To hold her and to talk to her. My reasoning was once she was buried I wouldn't have the chance and I didn't want to regret not taking it. One day my mum came, another my cousin. Twice I went on my own and I'm glad I had that time just me and her. It gave me the chance to say everything I wanted to say. Some things I wouldn't have felt comfortable saying in front of anyone. I read her a story. My dh initially felt he didnt want to see her again, that he'd said his goodbyes at the hospital. I respected that totally. We each have to handle this in our own way. But the night before her funeral he decided to come with me to tuck her in to her casket with her teddy, blanket and a photo of all four of us. We know we were the last people ever to touch her and that gives me comfort. No-one can tell you what is the right or wrong way, everyone is different. I just wanted to share with you what we did. Erin was in a Moses basket in the chapel of rest and she looked really snug and peaceful and I will hold on to that memory forever. It gave me the chance to drink her in and commit her features to memory. I was in such shock in the hospital I didn't do it properly there. If you are scared of how Felix will look you can ask the funeral director to describe him to you so you can make your choice. Big hugs my love. Trust yourself that you will make the decision xxx

I'm so very sorry for your loss xx

So very sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. Sleep tight baby Felix x

DH has just taken DD out for a walk with the PILs so I've taken the opportunity to come back on here.

I'm overwhelmed by all the kind, supportive messages - thank you all and sorry not to mention them all individually.

I spoke to DH earlier and told him that I really felt that I had to see Felix again. I pretty much repeated what I wrote here earlier - it's the one thing I want more than anything in my life and I would always regret not taking the opportunity. He understands and is going to come with me. We're going to take a photograph of the three of us and a painting by DD to put in the coffin with him.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. You've helped me to see that we've got to follow our instincts and ignore what might seem wise or rational right now.

LunaticFringe - actually, on that note, I told DH on Wednesday evening (the day that Felix was here) that I wanted us to try for another child as soon as we could and he hugged me and said that that was what he wanted to. I've got more stitches than the Bayeux Tapestry down there right now (it was a BRUTAL delivery) so it's not something we can even contemplate straightaway but I asked the mw who came to see me yesterday and she said that it would take about six weeks to heal and for my periods to come back. It will be my 35th birthday in the second week of Jan so hopefully we can celebrate by getting started...... Again, I don't know if it's wise or rational, but it's what our instincts are telling us.

So not insensitive at all. Thank you in fact for mentioning it. It's something else that I need to deal with and am thinking about.

Oh my darling my heart goes out to you. Sending you hugs and "be strong" vibes. xxx

I'm so, so sorry. Wishing you strength, love and support to deal with each day.

Oh I am so sorry to hear this! My thoughts are with you and your lovely Felix. xxx

I'm so sorry for your awful loss. Felix is a gorgeous name. I'm so sorry you & your DH are going through this. Do cuddle DD a lot, breath her in, love her. Cuddle others, talk only when you want to. Don't let the future overwhelm you- one hour at a time, one day at a time. I will say a big prayer for you.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think that a lot of people ttc very soon after a loss and it can be hard but it's also a healing thing to do. I'm so pleased you've decided to go and see your boy again. If you feel a need for that, it's definately the right thing for you.

I have had two since losing Billie. I found out I was pg with DC4 almost a year to the day after losing her. It was hard even though I was desperate to have another child.

After DC4 I thought I would give it another go because 'it'll never happen at my age'
Took a week

They are wonderful, beautiful children but both pgs were very tough emotionally. But worth it of course.

X

treats my DH and I feel exactly the same as you about ttc ASAP. It's a very weird mixture of emotions - LunaticFringe summed it up perfectly... and there are also other threads on MN to help you with this if you want.