My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

The trouble is, I don't want a new focus. All I want is my baby girl.

{{{}}} I don't know what else to say, but I'm thinking of you.

Mia, it's been a month now. The longest, most terrible, saddest month imaginable.

You would be walking properly now, with such a look of pride in your new accomplishment. You would be showing us your belly button. You would be pointing, quizzically, at things you wanted me to tell you about. You would be saying words. Most of all, you would be loving us, and give our life meaning. We love you so.

Of course you don't want a new focus yet, I didn't mean to upset you further, just in time when you feel ready. {{{{hugs}}}}

Not upset by you. Just hate the fact that my beautiful little life focus isn't here.

Ok, I got through today. Exhausted and emotionally drained.

Words fail me, Mia's Mummy.
Keep talking to Mia, through here, if it helps. I feel for you so .

Like others u cannot read and run (tho I am running out the door as it happens) I am so sorry for your loss xxx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

Just one day at a time. (((((hugs)))))

So sorry to read about little Mia. So unfair. Such a waste. My thoughts are with you.

I have so many 'what-ifs' whirling through my head... It seems Mia had every bad piece of luck going. Even one little change may have been enough to have her here with us right now. What I wouldn't do for that! I feel like I am going to be sick.

I am so sorry to read about your beautiful daughter. {{hugs}}

I have so many extreme emotions when I think of Mia. Highs of extreme joy and happiness, then the depths of despair and desperation.

It's as if I put my hands in a coat pocket. At the top, the realisation that she is gone. But when I dug deeper, there are many, many wonderful happy memories of her little triumphs, her smiles and her adventures. I try and keep my hands and heart buried deep in this part of the pocket.

That's a nice way of thinking about it Mia'smum, hang on to those treasures in your pockets.

I just wanted to say hello and how much I feel for you. I also know doing the what-ifs is human nature but you could not have loved or protected little Mia any better than you did - noone could have. I remember my first-born stunning doctors when they did a chest x-ray and her lung was compromised due to pneumonia. They could not equate the active normal bubbly robust child they had in front of them with what she had/was presenting with. She ended up in hospital for several weeks. I was just very very lucky. You were not and my heart goes out to you - it is so bloody unfair. My youngest currently has drops for bronchitis - I got her checked out after reading your thread - we wanted to thank you for that. I know you are suffering right now and just wanted you to have a hug and keep talking and know that complete strangers care about you.

I'm so sorry your beautiful daughter Mia died. You will always be Mia's mummy and her your daughter.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. xx

mybrain I'm so glad Mia's story helped your daughter.

My DH assures me that one day, we will be happy again. I'm sure it will happen. But one thing that won't ever change is that we will never see our little girl again. And that just seems so impossible.

Oops, better dig in my pocket again, tears are flowing once more.

Brave friend = coming out with DH and me tonight. They have a DS the same age as Mia, and just had a DD. I know that they feel so conscious of the gaps in our two situations, but feel so grateful that they are so willing to be with us. A lot of people would just hide away.

That's shows what good friends you have there, & how much they value your friendship despite the gaps in your situations.

You are right its so much easier to avoid a grieving friend, thinking your own situation will upset them-it still might but I'm sure it is good to still see them.

I hope you have an evening that brings you some small comfort in their company.

We did have a good time, and were able to talk about Mia in a positive way, laughing at her ability to scream so loudly and all the different food she ate. Our friends were glad we were willing to share our delight in her.

But hate so much that we use the past tense about our baby girl. We should be laughing about latest antics, swapping 'mischievous toddler' stories with our friends about their DS. That is hard.

It's just that Mia was so alive and vibrant which makes her death so very incomprehensible. Babies aren't supposed to die, out of the blue.

Darling girl, you are supposed to be with us. You should have convinced me to take you out of your cot, so that you are snuggled into a careful space between your daddy and I, touching his face with one hand, and your soft cheeks gently on my shoulder. I am supposed to wake up with the delicious feeling of your hair on my neck, seeing you smile as you wake, and knowing I am the luckiest person in the world because you enrich my world immeasurably. Both your daddy and thought that.

We are so unbelievably proud of you Mia. We always will be. But why did this happen? Why doesn't love, the greatest power in the world, provide immunity?

So so hard for you both, you're right babies aren't supposed to die.

As a parent we want to protect our babes from everything, but we can't always and that hurts so much.

Really heartbreaking, I am so sorry. x

It just hit me this morning that we can't buy Mia any Christmas presents any more. Logically, I know this, and have half thought of buying things she might like and donating them to charity. But not sure I can when it comes down to it. I want her back.

If you can & you think it might help then there are several charities who would ensure your kind gifts go to the right place.

See how you feel nearer the time, what does your DH think?

He would be fine with it, but probably would prefer for the money to go towards Mia's Wood. However, he would do anything to help make things easier for me.

More kindness... Found out this morning that a rose grower in Australia has named a beautiful new rose 'Mia' when my sister's MIL was seeking one to remember our little red headed girl. He had bred it himself, and hadn't yet chosen the name. She explained the sad circumstances, and wasn't sure if he'd really do it. However, she went back to buy another one, and all the others of the same colouring were now named 'Mia'.