My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

This is so very sad . I beleive you can set up a Just Giving page for free with photos/videos as a tribute and way of raising money in memory of your child. Not sure if that only works for Registered charities though....

We are figuring out how to establish a charity for Mia's Wood.

I would do anything to have Mia back though. While a beautiful, colourful wood will be lovely, it pales next to her. But I so want her life to have significance in some way.

I felt so incredibly lucky and blessed every day with Mia. She wasn't a perfect child, but she didn't cry unnecessarily and she was such curious, inquisitive and happy. Mia super-charged our lives, making us appreciate each moment. I knew having a baby would be fun, but I never guessed just how much fun I would have with Mia!

I know some mothers find their babies challenging, and feel overwhelmed. I honestly had very few moments like that. I just figured that Mia was trying to tell me something if she was crying or wouldn't sleep, and it was up to me to interpret.

I certainly never resented the time it would take to make Mia's food, play with her, dress and change her. Yes, there were times when I'd be trying to write an email or cook a meal and she'd clamour for attention, but her cuddles and her content at being held made up for any momentary irritation.

My days are far too empty now.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You clearly got so much joy from being Mia's mummy, and were a fantastic mum to her, close to her and in tune with what she needed.
I am sure you will find a way of making her short life significant through the establishment of a charity in her name x

So much joy from a wonderful little being! We created her, yet she is gone. It's just crazy and unbelievable. I love you so much Mia.

New poem tonight - don't know the author, but it sums up the confusion in my heart.

She is gone...
You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and move on.

Not easy to do. Not in the least, not when it comes to Mia.

Hello MiaAlexandrasmummy
I find myself very much missing my lovely Billie tonight. Its been over five years for me but sometimes it seems like yesterday.

This is the poem that chip referred to earlier. I thought you might like to see the whole thing.

We fall to the earth like leaves
Lives as brief as footprints in snow
No words express the grief we feel
I feel I cannot let her go.
For she is everywhere.
Walking on the windswept beach
Talking in the sunlit square.
Next to me in the car
I see her sitting there.
At night she dreams me
and in the morning the sun does not rise.
My life is as thin as the wind
And I am done with counting stars.
She is gone, she is gone.
I am her sad music, and I play on, and on, and on.

Your Mia sounds such a delight x

Such lovely poems.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere, thank you for sharing this lovely poem. I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting as you miss Billie tonight.

I really don't understand how so much love and joy can be taken away from us. Our babies live in our hearts, but that's not how it should be...

Beautiful poems ladies. Tears flowing here xx

That's a beautiful poem MiaAlexandrasMummy - it always reminds me of my dad, and gives me a wee bit extra strength every time I read it as it so captures what his philosophy was.

Just have to say I think you're amazing - Mia has a very special mummy x

I have another very special one and I have shared it often on MNs but I hope you dont mind me sharing it on your lovely Mia's thread.

The Recall - Rabindranath Tagore

The night was dark when she went away,
and they slept.
The night is dark now,
and I call for her,
"Come back, my darling; the world is asleep; and no one would know, if you came for a moment while stars are gazing at stars."
She went away when the trees were in bud and the spring was young.
Now the flowers are in high bloom and I call,
"Come back, my darling.
The children gather and scatter flowers in reckless sport.
And if you come and take one little blossom no one will miss it."
Those that used to play are playing still, so spendthrift is life.
I listen to their chatter and call,
"Come back, my darling, for mother's heart is full to the brim with love, and if you come to snatch only one little kiss from her no one will grudge it."

Much love and strength to you x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I tried to read the whole thread but I can't I'm in tears for you and gorgeous mia.
And you always have me blubbing Mrs de vere.
You are both very special mummies.

I wanted to add my heartfelt sorrow for you with the sudden passing of Mia. I've a DD myself, she's just turned 2, and I can't imagine my life without her. You are incredibly brave to be going through what you are, and I pray that your grief and hurting will pass, in time, and you will once again smile knowing your little darling Mia is holding your hand from afar.

Life is incredibly unfair and cruel and babies shouldn't be without their mummies. Take care, to you and your DH and family. With tears, SF x

O wow. That is beautiful. Just how I feel. Surely it wouldn't hurt the world if our babies were with us again?

I'm not brave. I hurt so much. I hate going through life without my beautiful girl. I cry as I think of the future, I smile when I think of the past.

My sister had a similar heartbreaking time last year. You really have my sympathy. It's so hard. I hope that you get the support you deserve here. You sound like a wonderful woman x

It is perfect and beautiful isnt it? Like our girls.
The poet who wrote it suffered a great deal of loss. Including the loss of children.

X

You are brave. You just don't realise it yet. One breath, one day, one step at a time. Much love to you.

Every morning, I wake around sometime after 5am, heart thumping, sweating. Mia's dead. Dead? Dead. No!!!!! Then I try to get back to sleep, to shut out the pain in sweet oblivion.

I wake again later, and remember. Yes, my gorgeous girl is not here anymore. It's true. Terrible and true. I look at photos of her, smile at the videos where she is giggling at balloons, walking proudly with her trolley, squealing with delight... then I cry with my DH, and then we hold one another, and talk about Mia and how very much we love her.

Finally, we both take a deep breath, and start the rest of a very long day.

I've been reading this since you began and I'm so sorry for you. My heart breaks for you it really does. I don't have any words, just tears for you. Keep going, one step at a time. Mia is watching and would be so proud. x

Oh how I identify with you - the 'falling into a black hole that I used to call sleep.' The waking up in a morning and thinking, for a split second, was it all a dream? You are in the early stages of grief for your precious girl....I wouldn't go back to the early days emotions even if I was offered a million pounds.

The loss of a child sends ripples out to include family, friends, neighbours - even strangers. It touches everyones hearts and makes those who still have their children realise just how lucky they are.

When my sons died I was given a card (dont know now who it was from) with a little scrap of paper in it that said, quite simply, ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND DONT FORGET TO BREATHE.....even now, many many years down the line, I still have days when I have to follow those 12 small words. xxxx

I'm so sorry for your loss, hope you can get some comfort from this thread and MN. Another one in tears at your thread. Wise words from shabbapink.

I can move, I can breathe. It hurts to think and to remember. I wish I could hold her.

Dear all (and there are so many of you who are listening), your words of support help so much. They don't take away the pain, as you know, but feeling I can reach out, and know that I will be heard and understood, matters.

It has been a very weird day. I had to join the RW for a moment when Mr Tesco arrived today. A chatty guy, who has delivered before. Who was doing so well until he asked that question "And how's the little 'un?" I whispered "She died." He saw the pain in my eyes and heard the tears in my voice, and spontaneously gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I lost two" he said, "I'm so sorry." Oh no. I'm so sorry for him too.

However, I also felt both so very sad and a little bit proud, because I realised I had managed to say those terrible words to a stranger. Also, I realised for the first time, that Mia is living in my heart. I can feel her there, tucked in safe. While I don't feel happy, it was an immensely comforting feeling that she lives on with every beat of my heart, and she is part of every thought I have. My darling girl.

I told DH about the Tesco moment, as he is sick at home, probably a manifestation of grief as much as anything - he has spent the last three days working on his submission to the coroner, and creating a timeline of events from hospital notes. (I found it all extremely hard to sit by, knowing that he was immersing himself in the terrible facts of Mia's last hours. I cannot go there yet.) He burst into tears, for the first time in several weeks, saying how much he missed Mia, how she made him so happy, how he loved us being a family. Much needed tears, I think... I cuddled him, and reminded him that our love for her will never disappear.

Then this afternoon, I received a call from Mia's nursery, who had wanted to do some fundraising for Mia's Wood. The response from other parents, people we have never met, has been astonishing. So many sent their condolences, one even offering to organise a food rota for us if we needed it. And they have raised a lovely sum of money for Mia's Wood too. People can be so amazing sometimes.