Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

999 replies

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 19/11/2011 14:12

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 24/12/2011 08:41

Miasmummy, wherever you are I hope you are enjoying just being together with Miasadaddy & relaxing a little in the sun.

Biggest of hugs to you both & your lovely family.

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 24/12/2011 18:28

Thank you Dad and everyone here. We have arrived safely.

Mia died two months ago today. My precious child. My world stopped. My 'new life' began.

I have to find some peace to relieve my grief. I don't know how, but I must.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 24/12/2011 18:44

It will come in time Miasmummy probably when you least expect it. Nothing will ever stop you being Mia's Mum & Dad, but one day hopefully the pain will ease, it will still be there but maybe not so sharp.

Remember your aunts lovely words that you shared upthread

"weave her beauty, her love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love"

Big hugs to you both.

Sariska · 24/12/2011 20:17

Hugs from me, too.

I think your love and memories are such that you'll find you weave that shawl without realising that's what you're doing. It will wrap around you tightly and keep you warm and safe as you travel on through life - and, in so doing, Mia will be with you every step of the way.

I don't know what your beliefs are but, even as a not especially religious person, I believe that this life, as vividly beautiful and as appallingly sad as it can be, is but the beat of a butterfly's wing in the face of eternity. And eternity - in whatever shape or form it may take - in the company of those most dear to us ultimately awaits us all with smiling face and open arms. In the meantime, that shawl, and the love and support of your family and friends, will give you the strength to keep going and, one day, to take enjoyment in day-to-day living again.

nicenivea · 25/12/2011 13:50

Miasmummy, just checking in to let you know that we have thought of you today and prayed for Mia, you, DH and your family. Much love, strength and hope xxxx

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 26/12/2011 02:39

Christmas has almost passed now. Unobtrusively, gently. Soft tears for our red-headed flame here. Rain and tears from the family around the world, but also the promise to love as much as we can, and to take advantage of every second of precious joy.

OP posts:
magicwoodyallenzombiejesus · 26/12/2011 03:54

Mias Mummy
Hi there my lovely. Have namechanged since my last post on here (my brains..) but just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you and wishing you a way of finding some peace, any peace in 2012 and i will be here on this thread along with many others whenever you need us. Your post above has brought a lump to my throat and i hope anyone reading it learns from the last line - what we should all be striving for. You remain in my thoughts XX

Bossybritches22 · 26/12/2011 06:56

Mia'smummy as ever what lovely thoughts, hugs to you both.

TanteRose · 26/12/2011 06:57

thinking of you and your precious girl {{hug}}

Flubba · 26/12/2011 14:02

Thinking of you. I lit a candle for Mia and for you and your husband yesterday.

GranddadofMiaAlexandra · 26/12/2011 17:23

After the figurative and literal storms of Christmas Day in my part of the world, Boxing Day brought the first moments of peace in more than two months.
I can conceive calmer seas although they will never be eternally smooth, but I do not think Mia's Mummy or Daddy have yet entered these waters. I know there are rocks and shoals ahead. Please pray for us all.

nicenivea · 26/12/2011 17:49

We are praying for you all miasgrandad, and will continue to do so. Wishing you strength and hoping 2012 brings some peace to you all.

Miasmummy I googled the "ball in a jar" analogy mentioned up thread...the concept is that whilst grief will remain, your life will expand to allow in joy and happiness. Holding much hope that this expansion begins for you in times not too far ahead. Much love xxx

Bossybritches22 · 26/12/2011 19:06

GrandadofMia I'm so glad you have found some moments of peace today & pray you all find increasing moments like that to sustain you in the less calm moments that inevitably come.

Big hugs to you all x

PlasticFlamingo · 27/12/2011 09:29

Mia's family, thinking of you and be assured that prayers, all over the world, are being said for you and your beautiful girl.

I wish I could wrap you up in that shawl of love and hug you until the pain stopped. & Hope xxx

habbibu · 27/12/2011 21:36

Thinking of you all. Let your grief run the course it needs to take. The smiles will start to outweigh the tears, but in their own time. There's no time limit or set way to do this.

Much love. Was thinking of your wee beauty today.

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 28/12/2011 16:03

Hello friends. All your thoughts and love is helping me so much. I have decided I can't look too much into the future, as I still can imagine too much loss and pain yet to come. Instead, I am concentrating on the next few months, and how I have to expand my personal world again beyond being Mia's mummy, although I will always be so very proud of that title. Yet I have to be more than that, and somehow redefine my life, and shape it to accommodate my love for Mia yet allow for more. I think it will be hard, but necessary. Maybe that's what the book you have described means...

I realised yesterday that Mia's curiosity, her little inquisitive look, and interest in her world comes directly from my DH as I watched him eagerly observe the green landscape as we travelled. That made me smile.

OP posts:
Treats · 28/12/2011 16:13

My thoughts are with you MiaAlexandrasmummy. We've just celebrated a very nice Christmas with my family - the first time that DH and I have hosted - and somebody started talking about "next year". I realised that I just couldn't think that far ahead anymore. I've got plans for January and I'm going back to work at the beginning of February, but I'm not thinking any further ahead than that.

I know what you mean about being unable to imagine the loss and pain to come - I get frightened when i think of the sadness that still needs to be felt. I don't like even having good days because i know it's just delaying the inevitable moment of sadness.

And the loss of a role - I was all set up to be a mummy on mat leave right now. I've made plans to go back to work because otherwise I'll have no purpose. But I'd still very much rather be a mummy at home right now.

I won't forget how kind and helpful you've been to me on my thread. Sending my blessings and I hope that 2012 brings you comfort and new beginnings.

nicenivea · 28/12/2011 17:11

Miasmummy, I m glad that you have something of a plan. Plans help, I think. I hope the holiday is going as "well" as it can. Thinking of you, as ever. Lots of love x

Flubba · 28/12/2011 19:08

MiasMummy I think that sounds a very sensible (if that's the right word?) to do ~ and it will be a focus for you which, although not the focus in your life that you would wish for, a focus all the same. Children are all-consuming, and the gaping hole she has left behind must be vast. She was lucky to be so loved by you, your DH and your family.

It's lovely that you are recognising traits of Mia in her daddy. Hold on to those precious thoughts, and hold on tight to each other.

x

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 30/12/2011 17:14

My mother and my sister both had dreams of Mia last night. She was happy, and my sister said she was walking. In Mum's dream, Mia was in my arms, just enjoying being with me, and she was so real, despite us knowing that this couldn't be. Mum had the very strong feeling that Mia wanted to let us know that while she was with us, she was happy wherever she was. Within her dream, Mum has a sense of comfort at this. I so want to believe.

OP posts:
newpup · 30/12/2011 18:24

I think that your mum is right and that sense of comfort will come to you in time too. Thinking of you.

Whatevertheweather · 30/12/2011 18:32

Those dreams do sound comforting Miasmummy. How are you holding ip? Are you back from your break now? xx

BabySenses · 30/12/2011 19:37

So sorry for your loss, I too have lost a baby, although my Harvey was stillborn at full term, so never got to meet him properly.
There is a Baby Bereavement Group at Ipswich Hospital the last Tuesday evening of the month run by some midwives who have also all had a loss of a baby at various stages.
I am finding it helpful and comforting. I also saw a bereavement counsellor Eric Leggoe who was great and a real help with all the massive emotions I had. Let me know if either of these are of interest to you. x

nicenivea · 31/12/2011 16:13

Just wanted to stop by and wish you love and light for 2012. Thinking of you tonight x

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 31/12/2011 20:38

Love and light. That is a beautiful mantra for 2012. Thank you nicenivea.

We are still away for a few more days, whatever and it has been so good for us. Some awkward moments, like when a friendly American guy asked DH if we had children... And didn't quite comprehend the answer....A beautiful hummingbird which crashed into the windows of a chapel as we visited it, and lay there, stunned. Such a symbol of our life path.

So a few more days until I have to return to face the world again. But I will do it. With my head held high, probably with tears in my eyes, and a huge hole in my arms where Mia should be, but I will do it.

Mia is worth it. My red-headed flame of my heart will live forever.

OP posts: