My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

Miasmummy you say that there are so many who hide their grief - all too often (and tragically) the death of a child.

I wonder if the reason for this is other people's fear? That it makes others uncomfortable?

The loss of a child is (I think) the most feared event, that can happen to anyone. Children are supposed to out live us, they are innocent, they represent our future (as our grandparents/parents represent our past. Our children hold our hopes and dreams, older relatives hold memories.

The loss of a child screws with the natural order - and it is criminal that they are denied the wonderful things that life holds (which of course depends on how old the deceased child is)... for instance first steps, first time they kick & catch a ball; first day at school, last day at school; first kiss, first child of their own.

People don't know what to say, they come face to face with their own worst nightmare, and it makes them uncomfortable, and at the same time terrified at saying the wrong thing, and upsetting us - then they'd see the pain in our eyes, which confirms just how terrifying a loss must be.

Oh dear. Big regression. Today, I really don't believe that Mia isn't coming back. She's just ... well, somewhere else... Surely she'll be back soon, my heart says. We love her so much, it's not possible. Then my head interrupts - Sorry, afraid not. There is too much evidence, too much pain, to think otherwise.

How can such a vibrant, lively, noisy little girl disappear just like that? So quickly, without warning. One day Mia was playing with her cousins, squealing with excitement, blowing the candles out on her daddy's cake, and the next, she is still, her long eyelashes on her cheeks as if she is asleep.

Darling, let me hold your hand, kiss your cheek and make it better. If only I could...

miasmummy it is so bloody hard , it is such early days for you and everything must feel so raw still and physically painful . I can remember just being so completely tired all the time but I couldn't sleep .

How is your dh doing ? I hope you are managing to keep each other company through this , we all grieve so differently and I know that for a good year he got all my anger aimed at him .

miasmummy I come to your thread often and think of you every day. I don't have the same way with words that some posters here do but I hope that one day the thoughts and prayers we all have for you will give you some solace. Much love x

On windy days like today, I can see Mia's swing moving back and forth at the bottom of the garden. She did love the movement. I can almost hear her giggle of delight. It is quite eerie. It hurts and makes me smile at the same time. Such a happy girl.

karma you are right, people do fear death. They also fear being awkward or making others uncomfortable. And yes, the death of a child is their worst nightmare. However, true friends are willing to subsume their own fears and help us address our own, regardless of how awkward it might be, because we are having to live through this. That being said, as too many of us sadly know, it is sometimes easier to share with people who are hurting from a similar loss, simply because they understand.

tw my DH and I are pulling together. We are escaping Christmas on a holiday in the sun, to try and regain some warmth in our heart from the sunshine, as life right now feels so very bleak. However, he is finding it hard to look at photos of Mia, because he misses her so much.

Miasmummy
I so wish I could write words which could be of some comfort to you. I really am truly sorry for the loss of your beautiful little Mia, I can't imagine the pain you must be going through

Please remember that you and your family gave Mia all the love in the world and the happy memories you shared can never be taken away.

I also think Mia's Wood is a lovely idea.
Take care xx

Miasmummy just wanted to come by and say I was thinking of you today. There was a lovely candle called Autumn Leaves burning in a shop today and it had a pictures of some gorgeous red leafed trees on it and it made me think of you and Mia xx

Miasmummy my heart aches for you when I read your posts. I think you and DH are doing the right thing to escape for Christmas.

Thinking of you both and your beautiful little girl xx

It is the 'foreverness' of Mia not being here which is so hard. She isn't here today. She won't be here tomorrow, nor the next day, nor ever again. That pain stretches into infinity.

Yet the paradox is that sometimes, I do feel that she is here with me. Mia is tucked into my neck, looking at all I see, her presence helping me to do what I need to do to get through the day, and I smile with her.

Mias I was going to suggest that you book a holiday away but then decided not to say it in case you had other family commitments and couldn't. But I am so glad you are going away and escaping Christmas. I would love to do the same but can't as the boys would be very upset.
Dh can't look at pictures of Sylvie-Rose so we don't have any of her pictures on display in the house although we hope we can in the future. I have pictures on my phone and I look at them when I'm by myself.

Mia equalled joy. Unparalleled joy.

That's what I have to capture in my heart, and hold tight, when the grief and loss threaten to overwhelm me. I look at her photos, watch her videos, and see what I have written about her in emails, and I know that she was loved immeasurably every day of her life.

My DH says that even now, every time I look at a photo of Mia, my face glows.

Wise and beautiful words. Whenever I think of my sons my face cracks into a big smile....the smile may be accompanied with a few blobby tears but the smile lasts a thousand times longer. So many children never experience that precious love from a parent....our children have been lucky and we have been a million times luckier being their parents. xxxx

Miasmummy I just dropped by to say that I've been thinking about you. I read what you wrote about Mia's swing moving in the wind, and it made me gasp, I never knew her, but could imagine her laughing as she was swinging in it, picturing her little face, from her photos.

Much love xx

A lovely anecdote I want to share from a wonderful friend...

She had been mentioning Mia's Wood to a few people and yesterday, a work colleague especially came over to tell her of a beautiful flower commonplace in Oz called 'The Winter Iris'. Her favourite variety is called 'Mia'. The petals are a beautiful blue/white colour with a spine of gold.

The woman then sent on this description of the flower -

^"In ancient Greek mythology, Iris was the messenger of the gods. She travelled on the arc of the rainbow bearing messages between earth, sea and sky. Our modern iris flowers still echo the glowing spectrum of Iris? aerial pathway and the rainbow?s symbolic message of hope?

The dwarf Winter flowering Iris (or ?Winter Iris?) are one of the true treasures of the Winter garden. They?re simply charming and make a most welcome and colourful addition to an otherwise dull Winter garden. ?Mia? has dwarf foliage to ensure that the intense deep blue flowers are highly visible and enjoyable. There are few pleasures that compare to one enjoyed when you see a clump of these delicate blooms in full flower on a cold and dull winter day."^

My friend said that she knows that they are describing a flower, but that she felt the description also fits Mia perfectly. Despite being small, she had such presence, delighting those that met her. She really would brighten any dull day and bring so much colour. Grown with pure love.

So perfect.

How lovely, Mias

Miasmummy, we lit candles for Mia, you, your DH and your family at church today. We are on the other side of the world but I am hoping our prayers, thoughts and love reach you. Giant hugs xx

We also remembered Mia tonight with light... thank you nicenivea

Tonight our neighbours held the bonfire and fireworks which had been postponed to honour Mia. It was a beautiful evening, with a grotto of lights to welcome us. And what was really touching was that the teenage sons of a friend wanted to send a lantern into the air for our wonderful little firefly. Everyone there wrote a message to Mia on the lantern surface, and then the boys lit it, and we watched as the lantern slowly and gracefully rose, glowing bright and luminous, floating high across the fields. It finally burnt out.

Mia darling, the fire of love burns strong in our hearts forever.

It sounds like you are surrounded by amazing people Miasmummy, I am glad of that. Your evening of light sounds like a wonderful tribute x

I am so sad today, so very sad. This week, I had been able to focus on the love and joy of Mia, but today my defences have come tumbling down, and the tears are falling. My heart hurts so much. All I can think of is how I want her back.

Last night at the bonfire, a little two-year-old friend innocently asked me "Where's Mia?" They loved playing together, and he still sings "Happy Birthday Mia" and waves goodnight to her as he looks at the stars.

She's gone. I don't know where. I just know she isn't here when we wake up, and she isn't here when we go to bed.

How can a baby girl disappear when there is so much love yet to give?

Hi, just wanted to say something that might in some small way ease the pain, for a moment anyway. I have a great friend, who is godmummy to our youngest child. She has three beautiful teenage boys, the eldest of whom is away at Uni. She also has a darling daughter, Hannah, who died of viral epiglottitis in her Daddy's arms at the age of two, 21 years ago. . At the time she was their only child, and the light of their life. They too went on a holiday to escape everything, and actually have fond memories of the trip, although they said it was a bit of a downer if people chatted to them and they mentioned why they were travelling over Christmas! Anyway, the point is, I got to know my lovely friend about eight years later, when she had two little boys. It had taken her over two years to conceive again: the doctors thought it was the shock. I know that Hannah is always in their hearts, and she had a very sad day a while ago on what would have been Hannah's 21st birthday. But she is a beautiful lady, a wonderful mum, and (as it happens) a successful and well known artist. Life did go on, and they have gone on to have many many happy and wonderful times as a family. I hope and pray that you two will as well, and that although Mia will travel with you in your heart, that she will be balanced by even more love and life here on earth. x

Have just seen this, and am so dreadfully sorry to hear your beautiful little girl has died. An utter tragedy.

I wish you and your family love and strength.

Mias, sorry to hear you're having a bad day . But Mia is always with you and will never leave you, even on the bad days when you can't feel her.

Thank you all for the messages tonight.

I so want to have Mia with me, but I know that this is impossible. That is what makes me hurt.

I want to remember the happiness, and somehow recapture those wonderful feelings. How can I, without my girl?

We have managed to book a trip away, to a beautiful, warm destination, and I try and tell myself that it is therefore a fitting location for a holiday to remember our warm, beautiful girl... but right now, my heart is not in it. It is firmly planted here, and it feels so very cold.

We went on holiday after dd1 died, and it was actually the best holiday of my life. Time away just to be peaceful together, to talk or be silent, to work on finding that place for the pain, the confusion and desolation. And going away also made me realise that I was never going to be away from her, no matter where I went - she's always right here with me. She would have been six this year, and I miss her, and there has not been a day that I haven't thought about her. But I have made my peace with her death, though it did take a long time.