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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

999 replies

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 19/11/2011 14:12

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

OP posts:
GRW · 01/12/2011 19:49

Very wise words from Everlong who clearly understands what you are feeling from personal experience.
You are not biased in thinking that Mia was beautiful, and I am so sorry for the pain you are going through now.

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 01/12/2011 23:14

Thanks for the helpful ways of thinking about Mia, Rue and everlong. The pain of losing Mia feels all-consuming, and I will have to trust you both that life will continue in some fashion. Right now, that's all I feel I am, a huge dark mound of pain, grief and sadness, and it is hard to find meaning in anything.

The words I am clinging to today are these -

The love and devotion that Mia and I shared was an utter joy, a bond unbreakable and eternal - nothing that was more intense or indeed so perfect.

Eternal. Oh, please let that be so.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 02/12/2011 14:26

My love is here for you Mia. Why do I only have memories instead of your sweet smile and warm arms? I miss you darling.

OP posts:
tiredmummyof4 · 02/12/2011 15:43

I read your post a few days ago and havent stopped thinking of you since. Sending lots of love and hugs to you both and pray that you stay strong for each other x

whimsy · 02/12/2011 20:24

I just don't know what to say. I am so sorry that you have lost your beautiful little girl. Sending you both love and strength xx

TrinityRhino · 02/12/2011 20:31

I hope you don't mind me posting
I've only just found this thread so feel like I am barging in

I would just like to say I'm so very very sorry for your loss

she is a beautiful little girl

I've lost a husband and I remember thinking and still believe that the only thing worse is to lose a child

I'm so very sorry

I wish you and your dh all the strength in the word x

ilovesprouts · 02/12/2011 20:42

gawjuss lilttle girl im so sorry ,but would love to send some money for a tree

Chicksy · 02/12/2011 20:54

I am so sorry for your loss, she sounds like a wonderful little girl. I think the idea of a wood in her memory is a fabulous idea.

stripeybumpsmum · 02/12/2011 22:00

Sending you hugs. What a beautiful girl. I'm a red head so always have a soft spot. I don't know if it will help, just a suggestion: please get a book to write to Mia in. write to her, write about her, write how you feel. Whatever you think - stick in autumn leaves, pictures you wanted to show her, whatever. Don't be afraid to write down what you think, as you think it.

Don't be afraid to just feel, just be, try not to qualify it. There doesn't need to be any logic. Just be how you need to be.
x

maxpower · 02/12/2011 22:06

So sorry for your loss.

Heebiejeebie · 02/12/2011 22:39

I have looked at your photos and she looks gorgeous and funny and sparkling. I am so sorry that she isn't in your arms.

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 03/12/2011 01:06

We are taught so many things in life - to work hard, to solve problems, to do our best, to do the right thing, to help others... But nothing, nothing prepares you for losing your amazing child. Not that anyone would voluntarily learn this lesson... But I am so ill-equipped. I have love. And that wasn't enough. Mia.

OP posts:
jomorgan · 03/12/2011 02:08

I have been following this thread but havent posted until now. I am so sorry for your loss, I cant even put it into words, as i know that no words are enough IYSWIM.

Thank you for sharing the photos of your lovely little girl...she is just as i pictured from your descriptions...especially the main one with her sweet cheeky grin! She looks so gorgeous, carefree and happy and those red curls are just adorable...

Sending lots of love and strength at this awful time xxx

LalasMama · 03/12/2011 10:42

Your little girl is absolutely gorgeous! I love her hair! She is so special!

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I simply cannot imagine it! Life is so unfair. I think you are so so brave. I'm sure that Mia is so proud of you.

I would love to buy Mia a tree for her woodland area!

Wishing you lots of love and strength in the time to come.

stegasaurus · 03/12/2011 11:03

I have read your thread in tears. I haven't been through anything like what you have, but wanted to say that Mia is a beautiful little girl so full of love for you and from you. Thinking of you and your family and Mia. Ihope you get some answers to what happened to her. I think Mia's Wood of acer trees is a great idea. Acers are one of my favourite trees.

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 03/12/2011 20:23

trinity I am also sorry for the loss of your DH. I can't what that must be like either. A whole lot of pain, and a whole life of happiness stripped away, and having to rebuild once more.

To all of you also posting, thank you, thank you.

It is bewildering that our loss of Mia has revealed so many similar sad situations in people around us. I never knew. So many people carrying the burden and pain of losing someone they love dearly. And far too often it is a child. Why do people hide away their grief? Just to be brave? Perhaps it's too personal? I just hope it isn't because society feels that death is a taboo subject, although I realise it probably is.

We can mourn loss, but far more important is to celebrate the life and hope and love which is entwined in the wonderful person who is gone. A little friend attended the celebration of Mia's life, and when she saw adults crying, she said that we should all be singing and shouting, not crying, as that is what Mia would want.

Sing and shout as we remember Mia. She is right. Such wise words. Sometimes it is so hard though.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 04/12/2011 19:15

Officially, I guess people would now say I am 'doing well'. I can go out, talk, socialise, do everyday things. In reality, I am only just managing to do these small things, and they cost a lot of effort, and bring about so many tears.

I don't want to be 'doing well', coping with the loss of our lovely girl, that is such an inane thing to be doing. Do I get top marks for coping? Do I get Mia back if I perform well? No. Not sure why I need to try and do this then.

I want Mia back. Pure and simple. Surely not too much to ask?

Yet I am beginning to understand that I can't make this wish come true. No matter what I do. Acceptance is so hard.

I can see my life so clearly. I was on one happy, beautiful path, one which I loved with a great husband, good health, and of course, my much-longed-for daughter, Mia. I appreciated my life. I felt lucky, fortunate, blessed.

Yet now that path has disappeared over a hill, and no matter how I scramble, I can't reach it any longer. I am being taken against my will on a terrible dark road because Mia isn't here. I still have all the other parts of my life, and while I know I should be grateful for those, life feels such a bleak, meaningless place.

Baby girl. You don't deserve this.

OP posts:
GRW · 04/12/2011 20:34

I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. People who see you coping well on the surface often have no comprehension of how hard it is.

The only comfort at the moment would be to have her back, and accepting that isn't going to happen is so hard. Having other good things in your life will help you through in th elong term.

Please keep talking to us on here; you express how you are feeling so well x

Emski76 · 04/12/2011 20:41

Miasmummy, you put your feelings and emotions into words so well. Your strength and honesty brings tears to my eyes everytime I read your messages. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and pray I'll never know. Your and so many others experiences remind me how blessed I am to have my two boys.

smartyparts · 04/12/2011 20:47

MiaAlexandrasmummy what a beguiling little girl.

Your love for her leaps out from every post, I wish you strength and comfort.

Original poster
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 05/12/2011 21:12

I find myself bargaining. It is quite frightening what I am prepared to do, giving up on ideals and principles I have always believed in, if it meant that Mia could live out a full life. I shock myself at my selfishness, but then try to rationalise by saying I am motivated by love.

Give up on world peace? Yep.
Poverty? Yep.
Climate change? Yep

In my heart, if I felt that my loss of Mia would somehow, crazily, magically, bring about any of these worthwhile ideals, it might provide some small solace. It would give me some meaning and understanding as to why she was taken away when she was loved so very much, and had so much yet to give and learn.

Instead, I have to say that it will never make sense.

Love you, sweet girl.

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Four4me · 05/12/2011 21:45

Thank you for sharing the photos of your beautiful little girl. You are in my thoughts and wishing you great strength through these difficult difficult times. I don't suppose you'll ever be quite the same person again, but if you keep taking one step at a time your feelings will become less raw. Big hugs my love x

Hassledge · 05/12/2011 21:54

She is so pretty - what a smile! I wish I could give you some words of comfort - I've lost my parents but it doesn't begin to compare. I know that their loss took me a long hard slog back to any sort of normality and even now, years later, the grief takes my breath away sometimes. But I cope with the grief better these days. You and Mia will be in my thoughts.

Whatevertheweather · 05/12/2011 21:54

Miasmummy I had a dream a few days after Erin died. A faceless stranger told me I could have Erin back alive and healthy. But to do so would mean someone else would have to lose their child. In my dream I said 'Yes, do it' I didn't even hesitate. It shocked me when I woke up and recalled how quickly I would have inflicted this pain on someone else to have Erin back. I was quite disconcerted by it as it was so out of odds with my usual character. I don't think I'm a selfish person. I don't think you are either. We just desperately want our children back xxx

Everlong · 06/12/2011 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.