My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

Another difficult day. Should. This is such a hard word, as it holds so much untapped potential.

This morning, we sent Mia into the future... we added photos and information about her into a local time capsule which will be opened in 30 years' time. She should be a glorious woman at that time. But no.

This afternoon, I met with a friend whose daughter is the same age as Mia, who is walking and learning new words, and was so pleased with herself as she danced to the music in the cafe, and managing to push over the Christmas tree. Mia should be getting into mischief with her, playing with her, showing off her new vocabulary too. Again, no.

Why?????

Habibu and BCBG thank you for your words of encouragement. I will hold onto them as we run away. I am sure you are right, it's just that Mia feels so far away right now.

Oh, I don't know, love. I really don't. It makes no sense at all, and I think what happens down the line is that you add the senselessness to the list of things to live with. But it is a very long hard line, but I think (with hindsight) you wouldn't want it to be otherwise; the pain seems unbearable, but the idea of "feeling better" just as bad - disloyal, maybe? and just unimaginable that you could accept such a thing as having happened, and of staying real.

And oh gosh yes to the feeling far away from her. But I think that what happens later is that those feelings of joy Mia brought you start to crowd out the pain, and memories start, very slowly, to hold more smiles than tears. The tears never really go away, and I, for one, don't want them to - they are part of my connection to my first baby, and the first baby my DH ever held, poor love. But they don't overwhelm me any more, and have their place in the very changed picture of my life.

I read your words with tears for Mia, for you and DH. I'm so very sorry xx

It's so hard seeing the empty space at the end of the table now. So quiet.

Meal times used to be so happy. Mia beaming in her highchair as my DH came home to her kisses, and she'd then play on the floor or sit with us as we ate, pointing to food she wanted to try, singing and giggling as she tried to give us her food. Then it was bedtime, where they would play on the bed, read stories and eventually, he would watch in love as she fell gently asleep.

I hate this.

Miasmummy, you and your dh are clearly such loving people, this is all so desperately unfair, once again I am so sorry, I wish I could help with your pain.

Forgive me if you have covered this already, but do you plan to have some bereavement counselling? Maybe arranging this could be some small focus between now and going away.

Mia was so so lucky to be loved by parents like you x

MiaAlexandrasMummy I have just read through your whole thread and am in floods of tears at your terrible, terrible loss. She is a beautiful girl with a beautiful name and it is not right that she was taken from you so very, very early.

You have spoken such wise and wonderful words on here and, if you haven't thought about doing so already, can I suggest that you copy the thread and take all your posts (and any of those that have been helpful or touching to you) and put them into a lovely font and pretty format to print out and keep forever. It seems like this has been a good place to express some of your feelings so far, and it would be comforting (? I'm not sure that's the right word), to be able to read back over your words and thoughts again at a future date.

My heart goes out above all to you and your DH, (and also to all your family and friends), as you try to make your way in this life without Mia's physcial being.

x

I am just so lonely without my little girl to clamber all over me, to cuddle and to kiss, and to be the centre of my world.

I really can't see any hope or joy in my future at the moment. Just an all-encompassing, relentless pain. So much sadness welling up in me, manifesting in stomach pains, tears, and utter exhaustion.

However, nicenivea and flubba thank you for your kind advice. Both are good ideas, and it's probably the right time to act on them both, as much as I would like to curl up in a ball and ignore the world around me.

I am already writing as many memories as I can about Mia, and have also asked our family and friends too, so we can capture the essence of Mia in all her sparkly, giggly, inquisitive glory.

As for counselling, I discussed it with my DH tonight, and we thought we might see if we can start next week before we go away, as he will be finished work, and we can go together. Must admit, not really sure how being around others like us will help - guess they can tell me that the pain will become more bearable, and right now, I feel a very long way from being in that position. But every situation is unique, and I feel I could easily reject their advice, simply because they didn't know Mia, and what she means to us. Crazy, but grief isn't supposed to be rational...

Little baby girls dying without warning isn't rational either.

Miasmummy, you absolutely illuminate Mia when you write about her (so many light analogies for your little flame haired girl) - I feel I almost know her and I am sure many others reading this thread feel the same. I am glad you are writing everything down, it will bring her back so powerfully in time to come.

I am sure counselling will help in the long term, though in the short term I suspect it won't, but it's another movement through your grief, I think.

Once again, love, giant hugs and many prayers xx

Oh and great idea from Flubba x

How are you doing tonight Mia'sMummy ?

Today has been better, with better being relative, I guess... but I have no idea why. I just have to go with whatever I feel.

We have bought the most beautiful hand-made leaf pendants for each of the family for their Christmas trees, real leaves plated in silver, gold or copper. We had colourful autumn leaves at the celebration of Mia's life, and that day, it seemed the autumn colours came out in all their glory, so they are perfect. Delicate and unique, these leaves will glimmer and sparkle, and in them, Mia will be with us all every Christmas.

Like Mia, but not Mia. Nothing can ever be as beautiful as my girl.

Some days will be 'better' then some will be worse again.

The pendants sound perfect. Really beautiful. You have put so much thought into it and your family will love them. Did you get one for yourselves ~ even if you don't use it this year.

Yes, we want to keep a leaf for ourselves, and display it in the living room alongside a photo of Mia when it isn't Christmas.

nicenivea, I didn't realise that I used so many words about light when I write about Mia. Thank you for pointing it out. She is indeed light, joy, happiness and love, all the best parts of life. I have to share these feelings, because I am simply so proud of my amazing daughter.

miasmummy nicenivea is right - you do make Mia come alive with your words. You do paint a picture with your narration - it's so easy to see and hear her. Us saying this will mean nothing really, but please believe that she does become alive when you write about her.

I said to you on FB (and I hope you didn't mind), that when I (and I'm certain others too), read about Mia we can't help but fall in love with her too.

No one can ease your pain - that pain is borne from love, and love cannot be dulled, it brings the greatest joy, but also the deepest pain.

But your love shines through, and it touches others - it's infectious; it brims with vitality, and can never be conquered.

Mia was, and will always be a very special little girl, and you are a very special mummy - Mia's mummy xx

If people fall in love with my gorgeous girl, then I am happy. She deserves so much love. I just want to tell everyone how amazing she was, and she still is, and she will always be. Her little face, shining with excitement, as she showed me something new, would thrill me every day. I miss her so.

miasmummy I truly wish that you didn't have to start this thread. Your pain is so evident, your love for Mia so strong that it's heartbreaking - and yet Mia was so happy, so confident of your love for her - watching her learn to walk... she was joy itself, buzzing with excitement.

Of course you miss her, you always will - but in her life she brought you such joy, and the pain will hopefully become more bittersweet in time.

I truly wish I could say something to help you, but I've been thinking of you a lot, and I've looked at Mia's photos, and I've cried with you.

Lovely lady (((hugs)))

Mia is very like you btw xx

Likewise I've been thinking a lot about you and your beautiful Mia since I came across your tragic story. Life is very, very, very unfair and there's nothing we can say or do to take your pain away, but we will listen to your wonderful descriptions and stories about her, and we will cry with you when we do.

How is your DH? Have you shown him this thread?

Earlier you said you were a bit of a tecnophobe. If you would like, I would be more than happy to do as I suggested earlier and put together all your posts into one and send it to you. It's the least I could do if you would like me to?

Hi miasmummy

You ve definitely linked mia + light in my head...last night I saw the most amazing sunset (over the orangy red desert in abu dhabi) and I instantly thought of Mia. DH saw a tear in my eye so I told hom your story and he wants me to send you his love (and your dh too, he wondered how he was coping, he ll be in his thoughts a lot now, I know). The sunset was magnificent, so many shades of amber, gold, red, orange - I hope you see some lovely sunsets on your holiday.

With love, as before x

Ps apologies for typos, on my phone herem

flubba what a lovely thing to do xx

miasmummy how are you today? Like nicenivea I told my mum about Mia, and cried when I did. What a conicidence what nicenivea said about the colours of the sunset she saw - she made me smile thinking of your leaves xx

Today, I am feeling better, although I had a few tears this morning at your thoughtful posts, and I have shown this thread to my DH. He also had tears in his eyes as he read them, and is very glad that I have found a safe haven to voice my love for our little girl.

I do have so many stories to share about Mia, if people are willing to listen. Even if no-one listens, it helps me to record my feelings and show my love in this way. Of course, I am delighted if you all find her even as half as entrancing and magical I do.

flubba, wow, what a truly lovely offer. Thank you, yes, that would be lovely. I was thinking that I would have to download it all before I go away next week, as I don't know if I will have access to MN while away.

nicenivea Mia in Abu Dhabi, what a well-travelled little girl she is. Mia in a glorious, glowing sunset over the sands, that sounds absolutely magnificent. BTW, your DH sounds lovely.

karma I think I am only putting down the love that every parent feels.

It's funny how my DH and I are dealing with the loss of Mia. He wrote an absolutely stunning, touching tribute for Mia's celebration, yet it is me who now writes everyday. He is focussed on finding a piece of land for Mia's Wood, despite various setbacks this week, whereas I am looking into creating the charity itself. He is the one brave enough to ensure that all the facts are correct about Mia's last hours for the coroner, whereas I simply cannot bring myself to revisit those memories, and instead focus on finding symbolic ways to remember our beautiful daughter with Christmas leaves and Mia irises. Yet it works for us. We both cry. We both cannot fathom why Mia was taken from us. Neither of us feel brave or strong, but together, we muddle through. I can't say we are moving forward, but we are existing together as a unit.

We both love Mia with all our hearts, unreservedly and proudly. We are so diminished without her in our lives.

Sending my love to you and your DH. I hope you manage to find some peace during your holiday.

I'm so so sorry to hear of Mia's passing. She looks like such a little poppet in your picture!My heart is aching for how you and your dh must be feeling now. Thank you for reminding us how precious, how fleeting the "ordinary" moments of life are, the mealtimes, the going-to-bed routine... I hope you and your dh will be able to cleave to each other, I hope that you will find peace down the road a little.

MiasMummy I've formatted it all for you. If you want to PM me your email address, I'll send it to you in Word document tonight.
x