Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
youarekidding · 31/08/2011 14:25

whatever my neighbour and good friend is a pathologist. He said they find it heartbreaking themselves having to PM a child and newborns are the worst. He assures me they are gentle and also said they are thorough as they understand the need for bereaved parents to have some answers. He said the 'why'' is often as big a cloud as the 'loss' for parents.

Lovely choice of songs for the service. One of my favourite songs is 'somewhere'.

What about this

frasersmummy · 31/08/2011 14:54

hi whatever thats shocking what your undertaker said.

We didnt know what to do as we felt no-one had met Fraser and to hold a full blown funeral in the church wasnt appropriate

they suggested something christian at home. So it was just the family and the minister for a very personla service where we all got to say what we wanted

As there wasnt many of us we didnt have hymns but my aunt played some hymns on the piano and recorded them to tape for us. We played them as they were taking all the flowers to the cars

we had jesus bids us shine and jesus loves me and an irish blessing. We didnt expect anyone to sing but all the grandparents stood up with tears running down thier cheeks and sang jesus bids us shine.. still brings to tears to my eyes wen I remember

We were told that they thought his little coffin would be lost in the hearse ..we could have it if we wanted but they suggested he ride in the limo with us on his own seat..thats what we did

its ok for you to cry in front of Erin's big sister.. it will reassure her thats its ok for her to cy too

take care we are all here for you

ComeWhineWithMe · 31/08/2011 15:00

Hello WTW, the blanket thread is well underway the response is amazing.

At dd's funeral we had the first part of this song dp carried her into the service with it playing

it is not everyone's choice but dp used to sing it to her when we were in ICU with her and although it is a rock song the first bit is quite soft and beautiful.

Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 15:01

Ah, Frasersmummy, that's lovely. Jesus bids us shine was one I was trying to remember earlier and couldn't - such a lovely little hymn, used to sing it in Sunday School.

crazynanna · 31/08/2011 15:02

Sorry,I don't to post inappropiately,but what is a 'Blanket thread'?

ComeWhineWithMe · 31/08/2011 15:06

CrazyNanna

crazynanna · 31/08/2011 15:12

Comewhinewithme thank you Smile
What a lovely thing to do!

hairypotter · 31/08/2011 15:14

whatever I can't begin to imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your loss and words just aren't enough.

Your beautiful daughter will always be with you.

Sending you love and hugs for you and your family

ComeWhineWithMe · 31/08/2011 15:22

I have only donated wool for magic and am going to donate some for Erin too, I can't knit but think the blanket ladies are amazing.

Solo · 31/08/2011 15:37

Wtw, I'm so sorry for your sad loss.

I haven't read every post on here, just yours.

I wanted to say that I'm sure your beautiful Erin was not afraid at all as she was wrapped in your arms and in your love.

My prayers are with you and your family. God bless you all and your lovely, perfect little Erin.x

sunshineandshowers13 · 31/08/2011 15:57

Have no different words to any of the others before me but just want to add my deepest sympathy to you and the rest of your family.

Love is felt by those we love and I know that your beautiful dd2 Erin knew how loved she was and how loved she still is.
I can only hope that your visit today with the funeral directors is an improvement on the first set and that the pm can in some way can offer you some answers.
sending lots of love and support to your whole wtw familyxxxxx

cardamomginger · 31/08/2011 16:16

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Besom · 31/08/2011 16:23

I'm so sorry. Erin is a beautiful name. XX

nametapes · 31/08/2011 16:56

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

pookiecat · 31/08/2011 16:58

What a beautiful name for a precious girl, Iam so sorry for your loss, sending love and prays to you and your family. XXXXXXXXXXX

Sleepyspaniel · 31/08/2011 17:12

So very sorry for you and your family xxxxxxx

CheerfulYank · 31/08/2011 17:30

Just thinking of you and beautiful Erin today. So sorry.

PeachesandStrawberry · 31/08/2011 18:12

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you. xx

OverthehillsandfarawayNL · 31/08/2011 18:22

I hope the meeting with the undertakers has gone ok.

This thread is the best of mumsnet. Lots of care and love and lots of practical help. Makes me proud to be here.

BlondeG · 31/08/2011 20:48

I really hope you had a much more sympathetic funeral director today. Ours were lovely, very sympathetic and they made DS2 look so comfy and snug in his casket.

Have been thinking of you all day. Sending you much love.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 21:35

I have added 3 photos of Erin to my profile if anyone would like to see. I won't leave them up too long I just wanted you to see where your thoughts and prayers were going. For the amazing ladies on the blanket thread - I wanted to put the one of E and K together on there for you to see the lucky little girl who will be snuggling under your blanket. The one of them together is the day after birth which is why Erin looks as she does - just wanted to warn anyone before you look it is a bit sad. But K was so so proud of her sister and didnt want the blanket covering her up.

Funeral director today was amazing - made us feel so much better about the funeral and I now feel fully confident that Erin will be well taken care of and that they will help us to arrange the perfect day for her. It is booked for next Friday so some time to prepare

xx

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 31/08/2011 21:40

Glad you had a good meeting at the funeral director!
Can't see the pics, as your profile is not public!

much love x

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 21:45

Should work now?

OP posts:
Scootergrrrl · 31/08/2011 21:49

Oh your girls are beautiful. I hope you find some comfort in that fact they are both so very loved.

BlondeG · 31/08/2011 21:51

Oh both your girls are absolutely beautiful. The pure love shining though from you and your DD1 towards Erin is just so so moving.

I am very relieved for you that today's appt went well and that you feel more confident about Erin's funeral. I have very fond and in a funny way, positive, memories of DS2's, that gave me a lot of peace in those first horrific weeks and months.