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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
jugglingwiththreeshoes · 31/08/2011 09:06

Another good one is "The day thou gavest Lord ..."
( To Thee our morning hymns ascended, thy praise shall sanctify our rest )
I googled "Evening hymns, popular" and it took me to a good church hymns web page. I'm so glad to hear of your plans for the service. I hope that it will be a great support to you all.

charl2503 · 31/08/2011 09:18

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have been sitting here sobbing reading through all the lovely messages everyone has left for you.
My best friend is going through exactly what you are going through now. Her beautiful DS Alfie was born and went to sleep an hour later on Saturday.
I hope that Erin (beautiful name BTW) gets the send off she deserves. I'm sure her very brave Mummy will make sure of that.
Life is so cruel. Sending big hugs to you, your family and your little angel in the sky.

SquongebobSparepants · 31/08/2011 09:21

Whatever, I have only just seen this, I am so sorry Sad

I ahve noa dvice to give but can see the lovely ladies from the beareaved mothers thread have found you. Massive hugs xx

speculationisrife · 31/08/2011 10:28

whatever - been thinking about you all morning - so glad you are here.
On the subject of songs, the one juggling mentions has a gorgeous version by Eva Cassidy. It has the feel of Amazing Grace, I think, and is very joyful and spiritual at the same time. Eva Cassidy's Songbird is also beautiful:

'For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining'

I always think of place where there is golden sunshine and no sorrow when I hear it.

I hope the funeral director today will be able to understand and give you what you need for your darling daughter.

xx

shabbapinkfrog · 31/08/2011 11:05
Pinner35 · 31/08/2011 11:13

So so sorry for your loss. I am another who has sadly experienced the loss of a child. For our DD's funeral we had 'even though you're gone' by Angelis.

Sending love and strength to you all xxxx

TheOriginalFAB · 31/08/2011 11:21

I am so very sorry.

Would you be able to bring her home today for a bit if you are worried about her being away from you?

pixiestix · 31/08/2011 11:25

I'm so very very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Erin.

saffronwblue · 31/08/2011 11:26

Thinking of you and your family. I hope you can find a director who will help you give your Erin a beautiful, dignified and loving service. The most moving song I have ever heard at a funeral was Barbra Streisand, "Somewhere".

There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to look, time to care,
Some day!

There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere

Charleymouse · 31/08/2011 11:43

Whatevertheweather I am so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter Erin.

Take as many pictures as you can and give her as many cuddles as you can; footprints, handprints, cast, a lock of hair all will become so precious to you. I could not cope with looking at mine in the immediate aftermath but now go to them occasionally and can look at them with sadness but not such overwhelmingly sobbing grief.

Please remember you have done nothing wrong, you have tried your best for baby Erin and there was nothing more you could have done for her.

There is some useful information on the old thread I am linking to below. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

funeral information old thread

monkeybumsmum · 31/08/2011 11:51

I'm so, so sorry to hear of your devastating loss Whatever. Have just been reading through this thread and am sat here with tears pouring down my face. Beautiful Erin was lucky to have you as her mummy.
I hope the funeral director today manages to give you and Erin the support and respect you both deserve. I will be thinking of you and your family xxx

SongBirdsKeepSinging · 31/08/2011 12:16

So very sorry for your loss whatevertheweather. Erin is a beautiful name. I hope the funeral directors you see today are more supportive and respectful. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers and I will log a candle for Erin at mass this weekend. God bless.

SongBirdsKeepSinging · 31/08/2011 12:22

*light

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 31/08/2011 12:29

Just wanted to say how desperately sorry I am. An absolutely beautiful name, and don't take any sh*t from funeral directors, you'd think in their line of business they'd have sensitivity and kindness down to a tee, clearly not.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 13:01

Just a quick message to say thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. I have read this through so many times and every post is an enormous comfort to me - more than you could know.

Me and dp have just spent a tearful few hours listening to songs and sorting the best photos to send to my sister in Canada. Think we have decided on Somewhere and Baby Mine just want one more. Your suggestions have been an enormous help.

Erin's grandad has written the most beautiful poem/story/eulogy to read in the service. I will post it later it's perfect.

Off to the funeral directors now and can't get out of my head Erins pm is today. My brave girl I hope they are gentle with her.

Thank you all again - if I can take anything from this horrendous experience it is that there are just so so many good, kind and amazing people in the world. I just wish this didn't have to have happened to make me realise that x

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 31/08/2011 13:07

Sorry meant to say charl2503 - please pass on my heartfelt sympathies to your friend. She will need you right now.

If she has any photos and you feel able, ask to see them. I'm afraid to show people unless they ask as im conscious people may not want to see them but i like showing them because I am proud of her. She may feel the same x

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 13:12

Whatever, if you want to post them on your profile, it would be lovely to see them. CheeseandGherkins, who was sadly in a very similar position to you around Christmas time last year, posted pictures of her little Scarlett and she was beautiful.

bonkers20 · 31/08/2011 13:14

Doing a pm on a newborn baby must be the hardest thing for a coroner to do. I'd like to believe that someone going into that line of work would be of a compassionate nature.

AitchTwoOh · 31/08/2011 13:18

i would love to see a photo of Erin, and would imagine that most people would be delighted to see your lovely wee girl.

crazynanna · 31/08/2011 13:20

Whatever....if it helps,do it. I can only imagine how beautiful she was xxxx

LilRedWG · 31/08/2011 13:24

I'm so sorry for your loss. Words just cannot convey how sorry. x

peterpansmum · 31/08/2011 13:33

Whatevertheweather I am so so sorry for your loss of your daughter Erin. I am another one of the mums on the bereaved mums thread that was linked to earlier. My son died very suddenly and unexpectedly aged 2, two and a half years ago... At the time my older son was 4.5. I did chuckle when I read your older daughter's choice of song for the funeral - There are no rules for planning a funeral - if it feels right for your family then go for it. I found planning Gregor's funeral sooo important. Many of my older son's friends came along (if it felt right for their families for them to do so) and somehow that helped many of the adults including my DH and I get through the day.
Winston's wish helpline were amazing and helped with specific practicalities of helping our older son. How to explain cremation to a four year old? What to tell him? How much to tell him? etc etc... We gave our older son the choice to see his brother after he died and he wanted to.
Please PM me if I can be of any help/support.
Thinking of you and yours, Love n hugs PPM xxxx

GreatNorksOfFire · 31/08/2011 13:40

Dear Whatevertheweather, I am so truly sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful girl Erin. The songs you have chosen for her funeral are just beautiful, perfect.

There are a couple of charities I know of which specifically help children who have been bereaved - Winston's Wish and SeeSaw. I think Winston's Wish offers online and telephone support although it is based in Gloustershire (and that's where support groups are held). SeeSaw is based in Oxfordshire and I think help support children in that area. Cruse also offers some excellent help and advice for children. And for adults.

So devastating for you. I hope that this undertakers are more sympathetic than the other one you saw. I would also write to complain tbh, in your own time.

All the love in the world to you, your DH your DD1 and your beautiful Erin xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 31/08/2011 14:05

Both my boys had PM's. My DS3 donated his corneas and I saw him before they took him to theatre and then after. Please believe me when I say they had been very gentle with him - he looked exactly the same as he did before the donation. My twin baby was also treated with great care and tenderness. He looked no different either. I have also been a cleaner at our local childrens hospital....one of my jobs was to clean the mortuary Sad the whole of one wall was filled with thank you cards and pictures and teddies from parents who had appreciated their gentle care...Erin will be treated with great care and respect xxxx

FebreezeYourJeans · 31/08/2011 14:08

Whatevertheweather you are an amazing woman; lucky lucky dd1. I hope today you in find a funeral director who will do the right thing by all of you and your beautiful dd2, Erin.

I can't imagine your pain but I am holding you all in my thoughts today.