Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByaBear · 05/10/2011 10:28

Thinking of you today Whatever. Agree with what others have said about crying being cathartic. It must be there for a reason.

Maybe see today as another mountain you have to climb; and that every mountain you manage to scale takes you one step nearer to a plateau where you may eventually find some form of peace.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 05/10/2011 23:36

Thank you for all your lovely messages. Well the day is nearly done. I cried what feels like a lot this evening whilst having a good talk with dp. Feel better for that as I felt he didn't want to talk about her so we haven't for a week or so and I think I really needed to talk to him as he was the only other person in that room. I think he feels better too.

SIL bumped in to the paed consultant who worked on Erin at work today. She told him she was Erin's auntie and he remembered exactly who we were which is really lovely. He expressed again how shocked he was and how unexpected it was. He won't be at the pm meeting as he covers a few of the local hospitals so isn't part of our hospitals official obstetric team but asked my sil to update him on the pm results and asked her to pass his email address to us so that we can arrange to see him if we want to. How kind is that.

Cannot believe it but AF showed up today of all days. Almost exactly 6 weeks after - is that fairly normal? I ebf Katie so I'm sure it was a good few months before it returned.

Bluetinkerbell have pm'd you re fb x

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 06/10/2011 04:25

I have been thinking about you whatever and what a hard day yesterday must have been. What a nice paed- it must help you a tiny bit to know that the medical staff were also shocked and distressed by what happened. I think you should perhaps make a time to see him because it sounds as if you and your DP were very traumatised by the way it all unfolded as well as by the tragic loss of your darling daughter. It might help to talk through with him.
Take care.

Bluetinkerbell · 06/10/2011 08:29

whatever I pm'ed you back!

It's nice when people remember what happened and when they show that they care!
Really good he will explain the pm results to you!

Yeah 6 weeks for AF to show up is quite normal!

jugglingwithpumpkins · 08/10/2011 09:48

How are you whatever? Are the weekends a little easier for you all ? Do you have anything nice planned over the weekend with DP and Katie ?
Lots of love, juggling x

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 08/10/2011 13:55

Hi Juggling, yes I think weekends are easier. Went to our friends last night for dinner was lovely and a good distraction for both us helped along with Wine Smile. Off to see Lion King in 3d shortly Katie is very excited! Theres a memorial service in the hospital chapel tomorrow for babies that have died in the hospital in the last year so we are going to that. Sounds strange but it will be 'nice' to be amongst other people who are going through the same thing rather than being the odd ones out. I find my head is so full of Erin it's hard to concentrate very well on anything else.

I hope you have got a nice weekend planned x

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 08/10/2011 14:02

Oh enjoy The Lion King whatever I bet Katie will absolutely love that!
Much strength for the memorial service tomorrow! I've been looking out if our hospital does one, but can't seem to find it. Did they send you an invite?

jugglingwithpumpkins · 08/10/2011 16:16

That sounds like a good weekend whatever. I hope you are all able to enjoy "Lion King" - it's a very good film I think, and I'm sure Katie will love it !
The memorial service sounds very healing too.

We're having a pretty quiet weekend but going to a friends this evening for a chocolate fountain birthday party which should be nice - must go and wrap little present, and possibly even re-pot it as it's a wee plant ... Thanks

cupofteaplease · 09/10/2011 08:38

Good luck for today x

Thzumbiewitch · 09/10/2011 09:55

hope you enjoyed the Lion King, whatever - and that it was useful too. And I agree that the memorial service in the hospital will probably be helpful - we used to go to the cemetery memorial services, twice a year, for my Nanna (Grandad found it most beneficial) and then my Grandad, and finally my Mum. My Dad still goes with my sister - puts their names down to be remembered. It is oddly comforting.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 09/10/2011 16:43

The memorial service was lovely. They had some very poignant readings and hymns. There were quite a few people there including the co-ordinator and other people from our local sands group. It was nice to meet them before we go to the meeting on Wednesday makes it a bit less daunting. We all light candles for our darling babies and there were a lot of tears. Feeling quite drained from it actually. The bereavement midwife who looked after us the night Erin died was there too and it was nice to see her again and talk a bit about Erin. She said she will always remember what a pretty little face she had with her little snub nose and rosebud lips. also saw Erins entry in the remembrance book. Bluetinkerbell if you contact the chaplaincy at your local hospital they should be able to tell you when they are holding it. Apparently it is often in October as it's babyloss awareness month.

Lion King was fab. Katie thoroughly enjoyed it and has been singing Hakuna Matata all day! Id forgotten what a lovely film it is.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend x

OP posts:
Thzumbiewitch · 10/10/2011 12:29

I'm so pleased she enjoyed it - it really does have some wonderful bits in it, as well as the sadness.
Glad the memorial service was comforting too and how nice of the MW to tell you those lovely things about your beautiful baby. She sounds wonderful. Drained is normal after all that group emotion - rest and recover.
Look after yourself lovely xxx

Thzumbiewitch · 13/10/2011 15:37

Hello Whatever - how are you doing this week? Still thinking of you. xx

This week has had its poignant moments for me - a thread buddy has had her baby this week, and it reminded me that if my first pg this year had stuck, it would be around EDD time for me too. Hey ho, it wasn't meant to be but it just struck a chord. These things do and will for some time to come, I'm sure - for you especially.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 13/10/2011 18:16

Hi TW - loving the halloween name change Smile. I'm plodding along just taking it a day at a time. It's 7 weeks today - have no idea how that happened. Proof I guess that no matter what happens the world doesn't stop.

We went to a sands meeting last night and they were a really nice group. It was sad but also good for a few hours not to be the odd ones out.

It must be a strange feeling for you knowing it would have been your due date. Are you okay? One of my friends had an early miscarriage when I was pregnant with Erin and she would have been due this week so I sent her a little message. She was feeling a bit low as no-one else remembered and they've been trying ever since with no luck. Having something like this happen really does sharpen your sense of other people's losses and I think it will make me a better, more compassionate person because of it.

I found the lovely ladies on the bereavement thread. They are an inspiration and it's truly a really good part of mn.

Thank you for thinking of me. Be gentle with yourself this week xx

OP posts:
BOOareHaunting · 13/10/2011 21:20

Hi, thought I'd come here a to chat - we have just crossed paths on the PROM thread.

I meant what I said about support - you may or may not have read my reply yet but I am in the same town as you.

You are being so strong and Erin will be incredably proud of her Mummy.

Anytime you need a shoulder, to scream, cry or even a babysitter feel free to PM me.

Keep strong and allow your heart to feel what it wants too. There are no rules or timescales.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 13/10/2011 21:34

Boo have PM'd you!

OP posts:
BOOareHaunting · 13/10/2011 21:38

WTW, I've not received one. Confused It may be stuck in cyber space and on it's way?

I'll let you know - It's like Halloween come early - spooky!

Thzumbazombiewitch · 14/10/2011 08:13

Glad the SANDS meeting went well - hope you find some congenial souls there. I am ok really - just had a few "moments" - no doubt I will in April next year as well (EDD of the 2nd MC this year) but that's a way off yet. Glad that you were able to remember your friend's situation as well - I think you're right, it does make you more sensitive to others' losses too.
Have another (((hug))) just because. x

saffronwblue · 14/10/2011 21:03

I've been thinking about you, WTW. Hope you have are having some nice moments in amongst the grey.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 15/10/2011 00:15

Thank you saffron. Yes there have been some nice moments - it's hard not to smile, despite what's happened, when you have a lovely, funny, crazy 4 yr old keeping you going x

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 21/10/2011 14:23

Just checking up on you, Whatever - hope you're doing ok under the circumstances, and K too. x

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 21/10/2011 16:07

Hi TW - I'm doing 'okay'. K just finished her first half term at school - can't believe its gone so fast! PM results on Tuesday. Unbelievably anxious as we've been asked to go to paediatrics to see the the consultant so we're scared that means it was something congenital/genetic that they'll want to test K for. Don't think I could cope with that right now Sad

Is it brilliantly hot and sunny over there? I've got friends in Perth who've been moaning about the heat on fb!

OP posts:
Tutti · 21/10/2011 17:01

Hi... hope you are ok ... try not to worry too much for tuesday .. easy for me to say I know.
I may not always 'talk' on your thread but you are in my prayers every night whatever xxxxx

Thzumbazombiewitch · 22/10/2011 10:49

It's starting to warm up - it's been a while coming this year (Yay!) Did some housework today and worked up a sweat, yup, summer nearly here. When it's real summer, I won't be able to do the washing up without breaking into a sweat! Had the ceiling fan on for the first time this season today. What I would really like is a couple of months of low 20s with low humidity - but in reality we're lucky to get a couple of weeks of that, on and off. We'll soon be into the 30+ temps, with high humidity and zillions of mozzies .

I expect that they want the consultant to explain it to you rather than just give you the results without proper explanation and are working on the principle that the consultant will be best placed to answer any questions you may have. Although it might have been something genetic, it could have been a one-off genetic error, rather than something passed down from both of you; there are so many variations of what it could be that I can only say "Put it out of your mind until Tuesday". Fretting about it isn't going to change the results - but you are "borrowing trouble ahead of time" and you may not need to.

I hope you can relax and enjoy this weekend with K and I hope the results will be straightforward and not indicative of any potential issues for K at all.
Take care xx

Four4me · 23/10/2011 21:00

Just checked it to see how you are doing? Will be thinking of you on Tuesday, please don't try and second guess what the results being given in Paediatrics means. It just might be where that Consultants clinic is being held on that day. Massive hugs xxxxx