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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 03/10/2011 00:33

whatever.....my gran bought three graves many moons ago...she and my grandad are in one and then the thinking was that the next plot would be my Mums and the last one my Aunties. When Gareth died my Mum gave us her plot and everybody moved down one - I know its not funny but it reminds me of the song 'there were 10 in the bed and the little one said!!'

We have a lovely brown headstone on - it is made from marble so has little flecks of silver in it. On the headstone it gives my sons details. Right at the bottom it says 'Only a whisper away.' We have two pictures - one of Gareth and one of Matthew - we had to send our favourite pictures to a company in Italy....they have somehow transferred them onto marble and they have been placed on the stone. They have guaranteed that they will not fade. They cost my parents a fortune....I think they were £400 each. My parents said that would never cover the cost of Xmas presents and birthday presents.

I am very drunk....and going on and on and on Grin Have been up to my best friends house and we have been talking about all our relatives that have died and all about their special qualities.

Oh life is a pile of shite poo at times isin't it? xxx

carantala · 03/10/2011 01:01

whatevertheweather So dreadfully sorry about baby Luke; heartwrenching for you all, especially you after your devastating loss of Erin.

Thumbwitch · 03/10/2011 01:41

Whatever - so sorry to hear about your sleeping nephew Luke - hope that you and your cousin can be of mutual support to each other, but only as much as you feel you can give.
(((hugs))) for you all XX

Bluetinkerbell · 03/10/2011 16:14

how are you today whatever? how was your gp appointment?

crazynanna · 03/10/2011 16:25

Checking in Whatever. How was it today? Smile

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 03/10/2011 18:15

shabba That was a lovely thing your Mum did to give her special resting place to Gareth. I like your song idea - it's a wonderful thing in the human spirit that it can keep, if not laughing, then at least smiling and hoping sometimes.
The photos sound a precious gift too.

whatever Hope things were OK today. So sorry to hear about baby Luke.

shabba is right that life is so tough sometimes Sad
Other times it can be lovely. You never can tell. Tis a fickle though wonderful thing.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 03/10/2011 19:27

All fine at doctors thank you for asking. The scar has knitted together well he said.

I asked him to see if he could see any of my blood results from the hospital and they were all normal including all of the tests for infections like parvovirus which the consultant seemed to think was most likely the cause. So now I'm wanting the pm results even more. I guess I can take some comfort that I didn't 'miss' anything in me though.

My sweet baby Erin I miss you so so much x

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 03/10/2011 21:25

Glad you're healing well!
Good the doctor could check on your blood results! So no infections! That's good! But I hope they can still find a reason why your precious Erin died!
Have you got a date yet for your consultant's appointment? Shouldn't be long now...

I bet Erin and Sterre are having fun together! Supposed to be my due date in a month's time! we should have both been sitting here with huge bellies and all we've got left are achy arms longing for our precious babies!

Four4me · 03/10/2011 21:57

WTW thinking of you, especially on Wednesday. Glad the post natal check went well. XXXXXXX

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 03/10/2011 22:51

No not heard from hospital yet. Am hoping it will be soon though. It is literally occupying my every thought at the moment - is that 'normal'?

I know what you mean about we should have big bumps now bluetinkerbell. That's what I keep thinking. I was looking at a picture of me taken a week or so before Erin was born. My bump really wasn't very big - same as with Katie I was quite small with her until about 36 weeks despite her being 8lb 10ozs. I just want to feel her kicking and wriggling around again. What is Sterre's due date?

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 03/10/2011 22:58

Very normal! I hope you get a letter through soon! Set yourself a date by the time you should hear something and if you haven't give them a ring, you wouldn't be the first to get lost in the system.

Sterre's due date is 3rd of November, 3 days after DD1's birthday... she was going to be a (late) birthday present. She was very cute this evening, we were doing prayers and she was saying thank you to God for having Sterre in her heart. Then she asked me where Sterre is now, so I said with Jesus, then she asked where Jesus was, so I said he is everywhere together with Sterre, but we can also feel them in our heart. She pointed at herself and said yes I have Sterre in this heart (on the left) and Jesus in this heart (on the right) very funny. Had to point her out, she only has one heart, which is for everyone.

How is your Katie? Does she talk about Erin often?

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 03/10/2011 23:13

Yes I think I will do that, if I haven't heard by next Wednesday I will ring. Glad to hear it's normal I literally can't stop thinking about her, the delivery, what I should be doing now....

Ah your other dd sounds lovely. Katie does often talk about her it will just come out of the blue; a little comment about missing Erin, or having another baby - one that can stay with us or she will pop into the nursery and give her Moses basket a kiss and a cuddle. It's really quite sweet but breaks my heart as it shows me how wonderful she would have been with her. Sounds like your dd would have been as well. I'm glad she feels able to talk about her though x

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 04/10/2011 10:09

That's good that you will ring them!

It is indeed heartbreaking to see DD with other babies, thinking she should have her little sister to look after!
I hope your DH is coping at work!

CamperFan · 04/10/2011 17:43

I am so sorry to hear about another tragedy in your family whatever. I hope you can help each other. Thinking of you.

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 05/10/2011 01:02

So here it is 5th October. Nearly 6 weeks since we lost Erin and her due date is here. Didn't realise quite how hard it would hit me. I just cannot stop thinking about what happened in the delivery room. I think it will haunt me forever.

I'm scared to give in to the tears properly as I don't think I'll ever stop. As soon as they start coming I distract myself on here, on facebook, on bbc online, anywhere, thank goodness for iphones. I just want to force the awful thoughts out of my head. I don't want to feel this pain anymore but I know it's not going anywhere Sad

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 05/10/2011 01:04

i'm so sorry, whatever, it's such a rotten tragedy, she is so missed.

Thumbwitch · 05/10/2011 01:21

Whatever - I would say today just give yourself the space to cry your heart out. You will stop again and you might find it eases some of the awful pain, at least for a while.

Candle is lit here for Erin - it's a beautiful handmade one scented with lime - it is a delightfully sweet scent, perfect for your sweet little girl.

Take the greatest care of yourself and all of you today - lots of hugs and love.
xxx

sqweegiebeckenheim · 05/10/2011 01:46

take it easy on yourself today. Thinking of you and beautiful baby Erin xx

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 05/10/2011 01:58

Thank you. Thumbwitch that sounds just perfect. I'm so scared to give in to it. I haven't looked at any pictures of her for days or opened her memory box. A couple of weeks ago I could do both without completely breaking down now I don't feel I can.

Someone said to me today 'Well maybe after her due date you can get some closure?!' WTAF! Closure - like it's an American sitcom. I know it's just a platitude and no harm was meant. I know everyone just wants me to feel better but seriously closure on your baby dying. I don't think so.

Think I might climb in to bed with K now. Have to be up to get her ready for school in a few hours. Thank you again it's nice to know when most people are sleeping there are mnetters around the world that are awake x

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/10/2011 02:30

Hope you get some sleep, Whatever - and once K is in school, please give in to it for just a bit. Crying is scary but it can be very cathartic - much more so than trying to squash it all down. Think about how other cultures go into paroxysms of grief at funerals - wailing and rending their clothes, throwing themselves around etc. - it seems very OTT to us British with our stiff upper lips an' all but to be honest, they probably do better getting it out of their systems like that. Roll yourself up in a duvet or whatever and just go for it. Beat up a pillow at the unfairness of it all. Shout and scream and rant and wail - you'll be exhausted at the end of it but the pain will be easier to bear.
Will be thinking of you until I go to sleep xx

cupofteaplease · 05/10/2011 04:45

I'm so so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Life can be so bloody unfair and cruel. I agree that crying is a good thing. I hate doing it too, for fear of not stopping, but actually the release can be helpful in a small way. I'm thinking of you lots x

shabbapinkfrog · 05/10/2011 06:53

I recognise and understand your words so much. Please, please cry....give in to it......scream, shout and cry. I used to feel like I was in a suit of armour and if I dared to cry the whole thing would come tumbling down around me. I have found out since that we have to cry - the more we try to do the 'British stiff upper lip' the more poorly we feel. Take care my friend. xxx

Bluetinkerbell · 05/10/2011 08:47

Dear whatever please take some time today to cry, scream, whatever...
I had a really emotional day yesterday, looking through Sterre's memory box and cried for a while. I was emotionally drained and felt extremely tired in the evening, fell asleep cuddled up with DD on the sofa watching Cbeebies.
If you want you can add me on Facebook, and we can have a chat later today?

Four4me · 05/10/2011 09:29

Xxxxxx thinking of you xxxxx

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 05/10/2011 09:51

I've lit a lavender and geranium candle in a small glass to remember Erin and think of you all today. It's flickering with a gentle, lilac, glow xx

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