My baby daughter died. I want her back

[Whatevertheweather]

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

Just wondering how 'things' are going for all of you. Please remember that every emotion that you are experiencing is totally, totally normal.

Wanted to send my thoughts and love to you. xx

Ah Shabs thank you for asking - am feeling a bit of a mess to be honest. Keep thinking I'm doing okay - have been for 2 long walks in the woods with K, baked rubbish cookies together and taken her to swimming lessons this weekend. But then find myself sobbing uncontrollably when it all comes crashing back. I just keep seeing the paed consultant coming over to us and uttering the words 'I need to let you know things are looking very grim' - the first time we really knew how serious things were.

I also keep having moments of thinking I am still pregnant. Then other moments where it's like I 'forget' I ever was pregnant. In sainsbury's yesterday I turned and ran like a loon away from a mother pushing a trolley with a new newborn in. Makes me feel a bit like I'm going mad.

K's first day at school tomorrow - she is very excited bless her. I just keep thinking about the huge bump I should have been moaning about whilst walking the 2 mile round trip and the pram I'm never going to get to push there Gah need to get a grip and concentrate on K.

Sorry for long post just feeling pretty all over the place.

cheese I hope things have calmed down a bit for you. I just can't imagine how simultaneously scary and hopeful it must be to be pregnant again after the loss of Scarlett. You are so brave and theoriginalfab is right your messages have given me comfort and hope. Thank you xx

Oh sweetheart - I remember those early days and how very, very hard they are. I wish I could help you with some 'wise words' - words that would help. You are in the horrible early days - when you feel like you are living in a parallel universe, where the shock keeps hitting you hard over and over again.

I promise you that, with time, things change a little and you learn ways to cope with your loss' I used to want to hit people who said that to me......that, and the old chestnut' 'time heals!!' I still think about my boys a hundred times a day, its 29 years since my twin boy died and 19 years since my DS3 was killed but they are constantly in my thoughts. The early feelings of shock have been replaced by the longing to see them again.

Every emotion you describe is totally normal my friend.....I am thinking about you and wish I could help more. xxx

Dear whatever I think it's really good that you've been able to get out and do so much, especially with K. The cookies sound great too, even if they were the worst ones you ever made Trust yourself, I think you're doing really well ( though of course wish you didn't have to be tested by life in this way)

Hope you have a good first day at school for K tomorrow. Am very pleased to hear she's looking forward to it so much. Perhaps it might help a little to focus on K and her starting school over the next few weeks as much as you're able - as you say. But only if it helps.

Much love, juggling xx

I think it is normal not to be able to handle seeing a newborn after losing Erin. I was a wreck seeing pregnant women when I had only had a miscarriage so for you it is unfathomable how much harder it will be.

My advice for tomorrow would be to make it all about K until you drop her off at school, go where ever you need too to have some time thinking about E and then psych yourself up to pick up K and hear all about her first day at school. Easy tea, warm bath and early to bed.

You only have to get through each minute at a time and whatever it is that you need to do to get through, is okay.

I'm glad my messages have helped a little, I was glad of people helping me when I lost Scarlett so just trying to share. Things haven't really calmed that much but I'm plodding on.

I found it impossible to see babies at first and even now it can be hard but it's more bearable. The doctors was difficult too when there were babies there, dh went there in the early days and had to walk out because of newborns being there too.

Take it easy on yourself and be kind to yourself also, it's still such early days and I'm sure you'll be feeling an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions in the coming weeks and months.

I talked and talked about Scarlett and losing her and it really did help me I believe. Getting it all out and even being repetitive; everything helped. I vented a lot on here, it was a good outlet for me. I found that starting a blog also helped after a little while. I've used mine a lot but haven't really updated in a few weeks but before that the regular posting of my thoughts and feelings really helped; like a diary I suppose.

I hope K's first day at school goes well and that you manage ok, don't be scared of how you feel or of going mad; I definitely felt and still feel that some days. I had a terrible day a week or so ago where I thought I was losing my mind but it was just a bad day and then I felt more "normal" again. My ds2 starts his first full day tomorrow at school, he did 2 half days last week but his first thought about it was shock at the lack of food they gave him as they finished before lunch :)

I find reliving it all happened to me a lot, all the time at first and even now I need to go through events in my head over and over again. I've just spent the last hour talking about things with dh as well and that does happen most days. I'd say it's totally normal to be doing.

How is your sleeping and eating going? Thinking of you and your family a lot xxx

I'm not one of the useful crew on here I'm afraid WWTW.

From reading your posts though it sounds like you're doing incredibly well through such unfair and tough times.

I really hope that K enjoys her first day at school tomorrow and that you can use the time doing whatever you feel you want or need to do.

Still thinking of you all.

xx

One small thing that has just occured to me, W, is the idea to wear sunglasses tomorrow. I find that they give you a bit of protection when you are feeling vulnerable.

Two good suggestions fab thank you. I shall do both!

Sorry to hear things not calmed down cheese why does life have to be so hard. Eating I just seem to pick at things but can't be bothered with eating full meals. Just put a little on my plate so
K doesn't notice anything weird. Sleeping; I fall asleep exhausted around 1am but am awake again 2 or 3 hours later.

My mind is racing with what ifs, where had I been, who did I see, what did I touch, what could have caused such a catastrophic infection to get in. I can't help blaming myself I feel like my stupid wretched body should have prevented this from happening somehow. I can't understand how dp doesn't hate me for allowing this to happen to our baby. I should have been able to keep her safe. I know it's irrational and it was nothing I knowingly did but I can't help it the guilt is there and no amount of reassurance can make it go away.

whatever

Hope K has a good first day!

And as with everyone you are all still in my thoughts and prayers xx

Whatever - probably a bit too late to suggest this now but if you have some Rescue Remedy, use that. It will help steady you, can reduce the stress levels and may help you to sleep longer. I used it when I was pg and my Mum died, it helped me and my Dad to cope far better than we otherwise would have.

Even better than Rescue Remedy is this stuff but it's not as easy to find as the Rescue Remedy is.

Again, and I am sorry if it sounds patronising, it's not meant to - let go of the what ifs. They change nothing. It was a tragedy that happened and there is nothing you could have done differently. Can I suggest this "trick" - write them all down. Sit with a pen in your hand and a piece of paper - and let the thoughts just flow onto the paper. Forget about grammar, spelling, even clear writing - just get it all out onto the paper, all the 'what ifs', the 'how could it have happeneds', the 'what could I have done differentlys' - all of those, get them out.
And then burn it.

Hope K has a great first day and I think FAB's idea of the sunglasses is an excellent one. :)

Whatever (((hugs))) I don't care if they're not allowed here, tough.

My dd was stillborn 20yrs ago, and there are times when nowt will do, but to have her in my arms again.

I can't tell you how sorry I am that this has happened; and even sorrier that there are so many of us, in the same 'little club' to keep you company - but even though it is hard, you have to look after yourself, and let those who love you look after you too. As much as you have cried, cry some more. Sod those tactless ejits out there who say daft things - only you know how you feel, how you are able to handle things.

It took me a year, and a good course of a-d's to return to work; I miss her now so very much, and always will.

I just want you to know that my thoughts and wishes are with you and your family.

Good luck to K on her first day at school

Sending you love and strength xxx

K's first day at school went fine. No tears from her - she skipped in happily and was very excited to bring home her first reading book. I held it together too despite having to explain to one mum who remembered from induction day that I was expecting around now, my lack of bump or baby

Sorry if this is a tmi question but what is 'normal' blood loss after a c-section? Mine was heavy for about 4-5 days then tailed off to pretty much nothing. However for the last 2 days it's back heavier than ever. Bright red fresh blood coming out and soaking through maternity pads very quickly (sorry tmi) also fresh large clots too. I've been signed off of community midwife care and I declined any follow up hv visits. Is this normal or something I need to mention to someone? Dp thinks I'm looking very pale and I feel quite light headed today but that could be other things. Don't remember it being like this after K.

Going to buy some thank you presents tomorrow for the midwives at the hospital and for our lovely funeral co-ordinator. Am thinking a swarovski angel figurine for her - want something more than chocs/flowers as she really was amazing.

I still can't believe Erin is gone, I want her back so so much

WTW, you sound as though your haemoglobin levels are low. You ought to be checked out by your GP or a MW really.

I didn't have a CS, but I did end up with post partum haemorrhage and needed treatment for it. I was light headed, pale and felt slightly unwell. I got to the point of passing out, so please, get a check up sooner rather than later.

Just checked my discharge notes and there is something there about pph 900ml blood loss? Erin was severely anaemic but think that was due to the hydrops. My last bloods taken about 10 days before she was born showed my iron levels were normal but lots more was taken at the hospital. I haven't heard anything back on them at all. Think I will follow up on that tomorrow. I've just been assuming if they'd found anything major from them they would have contacted me. Thank you horsehairs.

I am in no way medically qualified but remembering what my blood loss was, 900ml sounds a lot so I definitely think you need to see someone and be checked over.

I had an emergency section with DS1 and my bleeding lasted quite a while but tbh it had stopped but restarted as I was doing too much.

whatever, I am glad K's day went well at school. From what I can remember, I had the same blood loss with a c-section as with a regular delivery. However, with the regular birth I had some bright red bleeding after it had prevously cleared right up. This coincided with some longer walks I had been doing, so perhaps you need to slow down a bit?

I am sorry you had to explain your situation to a mum today, must have been very hard.

Hi wtw, glad to hear K had such a good day at school.
Sorry to hear you're worried about the bleeding. Promise me you'll talk to someone about that first thing in the morning. If you need information, support, or advice NHS Direct could be an idea ? Though I'd understand if you'd rather wait and see your doctor.
I hope you have a good night x

Hi WtW,

Sorry to hear about Erin. As with many others, I am finding my local SANDS helpful - just to meet face to face with someone who knows where you're coming from, who isn't just mouthing platitudes (admittedly with best intentions) can be useful.

My Allan only lived for apx 40 mins. He died on Christmas Eve (he shares his birthday with me). I am not finding it easier as time passes. I ache to hold him. DD talks about him every day and sometimes says she wishes she could die soon so she can see him faster (we believe he's in Heaven). Allan never opened his eyes either as he was too ill, so I can see your point there. It hurts v.much. I am ok around babies (where we live, if I wasn't I'd have to become a recluse as they really are everywhere - no getting away from them), but find it hard around pregnant women.

I totally understand you wanting Erin back, not a day passes that I don't want Allan for another cuddle. We knew he was sick from 20 wks. I wish he'd lived, I wish the Docs had tried something, anything but then maybe I'm selfish.

Not mumsnetty I know, but big hugs to you & feel free to PM if you want.

You're not selfish Karen, or perhaps we all are when it comes to our DC's.
Sounds as though your experience is very sadly similar to wtw
Love to both of you xx

Isn't 900mls almost a litre? that's not good, surely? I have no idea how much I lost as I was bed bound after delivery and only discovered I'd haemorrhaged when I had the catheter removed and walked to the loo and passed a great big clot.
Do get yourself checked first thing if you haven't already.x

Phone the doctor/ hospital and ask them. If you are soaking through maternity pads really quickly it sounds like you need to get checked out, so rather than just go to the GP, I'd contact whomever they asked you to contact in the event of post-event bleeding. And yes, you need to do it tomorrow - no point waiting.

Light headedness could easily be due to sudden blood loss - if you are still bleeding heavily DO NOT drive yourself, get someone to take you, just in case.

Glad K's first day at school went well

KAren - so sorry to hear of your loss as well.

(((hugs))) to all (entirely acceptable on the bereavement board, as they should be.)

Think I will phone midwife tomorrow and talk it through. It has come after my long walks at the weekend and the school walk today (couple of miles round trips) so hopefully like Camperfan this is what's caused it. Horsehairs the 900ml was immediately after the section before I was stitched up from what I can gather from the brief notes they gave me to bring home. Don't think they were overly concerned about it at the time. Bleeding seems to have slowed a bit now. Bit more resting might be needed. I do find being busy helps though.

Karen - so sorry to hear about Allan and that things are still tough. tell us about him if you feel able/feel it would help. I totally understand the aching and longing for another cuddle. I think I am 'lucky' that I do feel the hospital/doctors did everything they could to save Erin. I can't imagine how awful it must feel to think that not enough was done to help Allan. That must leave a lot of questions for you. How old is your DD? Hugs back to you x