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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
HenriettaFarthingay · 09/09/2011 08:41

I am heartbroken for you and your family, whatever. Your daughters are so beautiful, and I know Erin will always be in your heart.

Will be lighting a candle for Erin at 9.30.

FlubbaBubba · 09/09/2011 08:47

Have followed this thread but couldn't find the right words.

Thinking of you and your family today on this most difficult and most tragic of days. All your preparations sounds as perfect as they could be for this day.

friggFRIGG · 09/09/2011 08:56

lighting a candle here too.
im so sorry.
i wish there was more i could say or do.

sending love to all of you.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2011 09:10

Candle lit early. Hope you get through today with lots of support and love from all your family and friends (and all the MNers thinking of you from around the world)
xxx

GiantUnderCrackers · 09/09/2011 09:15

I am so sorry for your loss. Erin is a lovely name and I am sure she was also beautiful. You are in my thoughts.

DuchessEm · 09/09/2011 09:19

Your photographs are beautiful. Your DD1 looks so proud holding her little sister. I just wanted to say that I am sending you love and strength and I hope that you have lots of support today. I have lit a candle and I am thinking of you all. x

mamalovebird · 09/09/2011 09:46

I'm so sorry for the loss of little Erin. Sending all my biggest hugs your way.
I hope you have lots of RL support. I'll be thinking of you.
:(

saffronwblue · 09/09/2011 12:31

Another candle here in Australia for Erin. Thinking of you all today.

speculationisrife · 09/09/2011 18:09

wtw - thinking of you, your family and your beautiful daughter Erin. I hope you had a peaceful day, and that K was a comfort to you. xx

imogengladheart · 09/09/2011 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseandGherkins · 09/09/2011 20:56

We've had a candle lit for you and for beautiful Erin, I hope today went as well as it could. Huge hugs. Talk when you need to xxx

Iamjustthemilkmachine · 09/09/2011 21:37

Everything has already been said but I want to express my sadness, today you've been in my thoughts all day.

sunshineandshowers13 · 09/09/2011 21:49

you have been in my thoughts today WTW. I hope the funeral for your Erin went as you needed and wanted it to

be kind to yourself

GiddyGertie · 09/09/2011 23:10

My thoughts and prayers have been with you and Erin today. xxx

Original poster
Whatevertheweather · 09/09/2011 23:40

Thank you all for your thoughts, messages and candles. Today was really hard but we got through with a lot of support from our friends and family, some of whom travelled a long way and we had no idea they were coming. We were in bits but we feel pleased we gave Erin the day she deserved. Her casket was just beautiful and everyone that wanted to do readings managed to get through them. Erin had lots and lots of gorgeous flowers and people even thought of K; one friend bought her an angel necklace, another a cushion to cuddle, another a pack of sweets. Lovely lovely people.

K was utterly amazing all day - from slipping her hand in to dps after he'd carried Erin in to the church and whispering 'very brave daddy'. To her gorgeous giggle of pleasure when letting off a dove for Erin. We are very very proud parents of both our girls today.

I feel completely exhausted now and at a complete loss as to what happens now. We've lived in semi limbo for 2 weeks waiting for the funeral, now it's done, now what? Back to normal life? I'm not pregnant and I don't have a baby. How can we go back to normal.

I just pray that last night and today are the hardest things we ever have to do Sad

OP posts:
jugglingwiththreeshoes · 09/09/2011 23:49

You are amazing Wtw
I'm glad to hear you have many special memories to take with you from today.
Today of all days you don't have to think about tomorrow.
Get some rest.
Tomorrow will look after itself.
Each day has enough troubles of it's own.
Much love, juggling x

Charleymouse · 10/09/2011 00:00

Whatevertrheweather, glad to hear everything went as you wanted it to. Take each day as it comes, try not to think too far ahead. Much love CM xxx

Thumbwitch · 10/09/2011 00:08

Oh whatever - your K is fabulous! Although that brought instant tears to my eyes, what she said to your DP.

So glad that today went well and you were so well supported.

You will find a new normal, and it will involve the memories of little Erin. Which is how it should be - you will always remember her.

Remember to ask for help when you need it - no point in struggling along. Ask parents, family, friends, GP - whoever - but ask.

Hope you get some sleep now/soon - and let the future take care of itself for a bit, just do one day at a time for now.

xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 10/09/2011 07:53

Im sat here typing out messages, then deleting them, then typing them again....searching for the 'right words' even though I know there are no 'right words.'

If you are anything like I was you will feel totally exhausted now. Just try to take every day - hour by hour, minute by minute.

Keep talking about what has happened. The more you tell your story the better.

xxxx

AitchTwoOh · 10/09/2011 08:17

it sounds beautiful and wonderful and sad, whatever, my condolences, and my congratulations on having done your very best by Erin.

morrisseysquornmince · 10/09/2011 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseandGherkins · 10/09/2011 08:36

That sounds like a beautiful service and day. I agree with Thumb and shabs keep talking and take it an hour, day at a time.

You do learn a new kind of normal, "normal" won't ever be the same again. I'm 9 months down the line now but things are never the same. Some of the ladies have been in this position for years and feel the same way too. I found the funeral very emotionally draining and final. After that I found the grieving easier to do as I knew there wasn't the funeral to "get through".

At first I didn't visit her grave very often (every few weeks) but as time went on that became easier to bear and I now go about once a week to tidy things up and leave her new things. When we take the other children out and get them anything we pick something up for Scarlett too so she's always included in our days.

For now just concentrate on trying to rest when you can and eat when you can, that I found extremely difficult and lost weight and barely slept but that gets better with time I found.

I don't want to say too much and overwhelm you but remember there are people here that understand and can listen when you need to talk, what you will be feeling (whatever that may be) is normal. I learnt that from here which was a great help; knowing that what I was feeling was normal and that I wasn't just losing my mind. Massive hugs xxx

janedoe25 · 10/09/2011 10:07

whatever Erins service sounded just perfect. K sounds like such a beautiful little girl, a real credit to you and DH.
I found the days following Zoe's funeral very hard to deal with, before I was busy arranging the funeral and then all of a sudden had so much time on my hands. Take things easy and go with your grief, if you want to scream then scream, don't hold it in. I agree with others about a new "normal", you will learn to live with the grief and it does get better. Please take care and keep talking about Erin, we are all here any time. xx

ExitPursuedByATroll · 10/09/2011 12:01

It sounds like a beautiful service, and Katie is wonderful - she must be such a source of comfort and strength for you.

I am sure you will find loads of support on MN.

Small steps.

TheOriginalFAB · 10/09/2011 12:12

I haven't read this thread lately as I am rather pathetic and knew I would cry. I have now read the post about the funeral, WTW, and it sounds like everyone was strong and showed love for Erin and you all as a family. What lovely people to make the journey and to think of your other DD. I am so sorry that you have been through this and wish you all the strength and support you need to carry on.

Cheese - I think of you often as yours was the first post I remember reading about a late pregnancy loss of a child and you continue to amaze me with your strength and I am sure WTW is helped and supported by your posts.

I am so sorry for you both.

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