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Bereavement

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My baby daughter died. I want her back

672 replies

Whatevertheweather · 30/08/2011 11:22

Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.

I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.

I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'

I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet

OP posts:
janedoe25 · 07/09/2011 21:14

whatever I have only just came accross this thread, I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful little Erin. Life is so bloody cruel at times. I too am on the bereaved mothers thread, my daughter Zoe was stillborn 6 moths ago at 41 weeks. I know too well what you are going through just now, please be easy on yourself, minute by minute day by day. I will be thinking of you, your family and your precious Erin on Friday. I hope the comming days will be gentle for you. xx

Bluetinkerbell · 07/09/2011 21:22

wtw still thinking of you and your family! I hope you will have the funeral you want for Erin on Friday!
much love! x

Thumbwitch · 08/09/2011 14:34

Whatever - thinking of you in advance of tomorrow. Will light a candle for Erin to see her safely on her way - what time is the funeral service?

love to you all.

Janedoe - you too - so hard, so :(.

charl2503 · 08/09/2011 16:06

WTW - been thinking about you alot today. My friend had baby Alfies funeral today. It was so saddening, but it was beautiful. My friend said it was the hardest thing she has ever had to do but she feels more at peace now that she knows Alfie has been laid to rest.
I hope your other DD is settling in at school. I'm sure she will.
Lots of hugs to you and your brave family. xxx

Whatevertheweather · 08/09/2011 17:29

janedoe so sorry to hear about Zoe. You are right life is bloody cruel.

charl2503 glad to know Alfies funeral went well (well as well as can be expected) I am dreading tomorrow but am hoping I will feel the same as your friend afterwards.

thumbwitch church service is at 9.30am then on to the cemetery after. We went there today to see where Erin would be and she has a lovely space in the children's area.

Dp and I are going to see Erin tonight for the last time and to lay her into her casket with her blanket and soft toys and a small photo of the four of us together. I can't believe it's the last time I will see her. My heart feels like it's breaking.

OP posts:
Yorkresidentandalumni · 08/09/2011 18:59

I think it is breaking.

Have you got hand and footprints from her? If not you could still get that done I'm sure.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 08/09/2011 19:41

Thinking of you this evening and tomorrow xxxx

Whatevertheweather · 08/09/2011 19:59

The poem Erin's grandad wrote for her:

To Erin

How quickly the world turns,
from expectation to despair,
from posies to garlands,
from life to death;

and life will never be the same again’

But Erin is not gone, for even when the busyness fades
into new routines of life,

even then, and forever, wtw will remember and know the feel of that tiny life within.

As grief fades from the unbearable,
with the bitter sweet blurring of sharp focus,
She and Dp will wonder sadly on what might have been:
“If only and what if'

And in proud sister Katie, what may now feel a passing rite,
only partly understood – for the joy of childhood cannot stay locked away in grief – as years go by, will ponder on games they might have played, and the friends they would have been.

And you and I; family, friends, and fellow voyagers;
adrift as we are on a sea of tragedy,
we feel the depth of love, of empathy, within each one -
a well from which we draw in our eternal quest for love.

Erin is not gone. The pebble that was her birth and death has touched us all with the silent ripples of that tiny pool.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 08/09/2011 20:03

Thinking of you tonight and tomorrow :( We wrote letters to go into Scarlett's coffin with her and the children drew some pictures for her, we also left a teddy with her and she was dressed in what was to be her coming home outfit. A lovely pink dress with tights and a hat. We kept copies of the letters we wrote too for her memory box.

The hospital took hand and foot casts which were done free of charge and are now hanging on the dining room wall, they came in a frame and we chose the colour that we wanted.

On the day we each had a single red rose to lay on her coffin and then the flowers that were sent also. It was a difficult day, one of the worst ever, but we did get through it and that was partly due to the fact that I knew we had lots of people thinking about her and supporting both in real life and on here. I took great comfort in that fact.

I'll light a candle for you all, huge hugs. It's something you never think you'll do and that you should never have to do, bury your own child. I certainly never thought I'd have to do it but you do get strength from somewhere. I didn't think I could do it but I did. Someone advised me to get some rescue remedy and while I didn't use it, just having it helped a little.

There have been so many dark days since we lost Scarlett but times are becoming better and easier to live through. The numbness took a while to go away and the feeling of disbelief.

Holding your hand in spirit tomorrow xxxx

CheeseandGherkins · 08/09/2011 20:04

Cross posts, that's a beautiful poem :(

ExitPursuedByATroll · 08/09/2011 20:09

What a wonderful, wonderful poem.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

All my love.

IceCreamCastles · 08/09/2011 20:23

I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how heartbroken you must be.
That is such a beautiful poem.
Wishing you all lots of strength for tomorrow and hoping it helps in some way.
Will be thinking of you.
xxx

CamperFan · 08/09/2011 20:24

My heart goes out to you and your family, how very strong you all are, even if you do not feel it. I am in floods of tears thinking about you seeing your baby for last time, and I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You sound like an amazing mum.

Bluetinkerbell · 08/09/2011 21:34

what a beautiful poem! I pray and hope that Erin's grandad will have the strength tomorrow to read it at her funeral!
Much love and strength to all of you! It will be extremely hard, but you will get through!

After Sterre's funeral our both families went down to a nice country pub for a meal and just to be together, which was very nice! I hope you can have some time with your family and friends to feel their support!

Just know that a lot of people here on MN will be thinking of you and your family and of your precious Erin tomorrow!

Four4me · 08/09/2011 22:04

Amazing poem. Will be thinking of you all tomorrow. We will all be 'there' with you holding your hand. Big hugs.

Solo · 09/09/2011 00:16

Beautiful poem.

Wishing you all the very best for tomorrow.x

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2011 00:32

What a wonderful poem that is, Whatever. I hope he has the strength to read it.

I am glad you got to see her again - but even though you might not see her in the flesh again, her image will be with you forever in your mind and in your heart - take comfort from that.

Love and strength for you tomorrow (today by the time you read this, I expect)
XXX

shabbapinkfrog · 09/09/2011 06:46

Will be thinking about all of you today. I have just lit my candle in honour and with love for Erin. Sending love and hugs from Lancashire xxxx

janedoe25 · 09/09/2011 07:22

Such a beautiful poem, Erin will be so very proud of her Grandad. I wish you all the love and strength in the world today, it will be the hardest thing you have ever gone through but remember you are doing it for your Erin. She will be so proud of her Mummy, Daddy and big sister.

I will be "here" holding your hand and lighting my candle at 9.30 am in honour of your beautiful girl. Sleep tight Angel Erin xx

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2011 07:27

Candle lighting set for 6:30pm here in Australia - which is 9:30am for you.
Love, strength and (((hugs))) for you all. x

deemented · 09/09/2011 07:36

Thinking of you and your family today, my lovely.

Tutti · 09/09/2011 08:20

Lit a candle here in Dubai.

All the best for today.

I am just so sorry you and your family have to go through thisSad

Pinot · 09/09/2011 08:26

Thinking of you all today and hoping Erin has a beautiful service xx

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 09/09/2011 08:35

Lighting a candle here for Erin, with all my love, and thinking of you all today.
This one's in Cambridgeshire - lovely to hear of them all over the country and around the world x

crazynanna · 09/09/2011 08:38

Sending love and strength xx

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